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Powerless

Old 01-24-2019, 10:17 AM
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Powerless

My doctor dialed back my benzo prescription yesterday because he says it's not sustainable. He didn't add anything new. The world sort of shut off when he said those words yesterday.

I have so much anxiety, I can barely drive a car or do Walmart.
I feel like I'm just complaining on this website but not actively able or capable or motivated to follow through with recovery.

Yeah. I feel like a trash human. I can't comprehend going an entire day unless I accidentally poisoned myself the day before. I have no recollection of my days or conversations. Zero memory recall. I couldn't tell you what I had for breakfast, supper, or what I did in the middle of the day yesterday. I just sort of wake up and **** off all day, ruining my mind and body.

Why am I not grateful just to exist? How can I be so close to death and feel absolutely nothing? Why do the demons come knocking almost exactly 4 hours after I've been awake every single day? It's so much. I need help. Like, someone to help me make the right phone calls. My brain feels like sludge. I know what cures it. I feel so powerless.
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Old 01-24-2019, 10:50 AM
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Hello there,

If I were in that situation, I would check in to a rehab. Today.

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Old 01-24-2019, 10:51 AM
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Hi Arthox, I also have issues with anxiety and I think anxiety does affect your memory. The following may help:

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH ANXIETY (the American Assoc for Anxiety & Depression)

Take a Time-Out. Try some yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage or learn relaxation techniques. Stepping back from the problem can help clear your head.

Eat well-balanced meals. Do not skip any meals. Keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand. Limit caffeine.

Get enough sleep/rest. Exercise daily to help you feel good and maintain your health. Use an iPod or exercise buddy to help you stick to your routine.

Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly. Belly-Breathing: Sit comfortably with shoulders, head and neck relaxed. Breath in slowly through your nose so that your stomach expands. Tighten stomach muscles, letting them fall inward as you exhale slowly through your mouth.

Do your best. Instead of aiming for perfection, which isn’t possible, be proud of however close you get.

Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?

Welcome humour. A good laugh goes a long way.

Maintain a positive attitude. Make an effort to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

Get involved. Volunteer or find another way to be active in your community, which creates a support network and gives you a break from everyday stress.

Learn what triggers your anxiety. Is it work, family, school or something else you can’t identify? Write in a journal when you’re feeling stressed. Look for a pattern.

Talk to someone. Tell friends/family you’re feeling overwhelmed and let them know how they can help. Talk to a professional.

Books

Amen, Daniel Change Your Brain, Change Your Life
Bassett, Lucinda From Panic to Power
Burns, David MD When Panic Attacks
Chodron, Pema [/B]The Places that Scare You
Doidge, Norman MD The Brain that Changes Itself
Dyer, Wayne Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life
Orsilla, Ken Mindful Way Through Anxiety
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Old 01-25-2019, 02:26 AM
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Woke up on the floor.

Didn't even know it was Friday. I thought it was Wednesday.

My bedroom looks like a junkie heroin pad except filled with beer cans.
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Old 01-25-2019, 02:56 AM
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I would have sworn that I did not suffer from anxiety when I was drinking. Then I went to rehab; after several weeks of sobriety I could see how much better I felt. Benzos and alcohol have similar effects on the brain, especially in terms of withdrawal (the 4 hour thing you mentioned) - it was excruciating some days.

Here's the most important part: withdrawal from alcohol and benzos is far more dangerous than opiates and other "hard" drugs. Seizures and major cardiovascular events are not uncommon. I strongly suggest inpatient rehab; I doubt I would have made it on my own without the intensive medical and behavorial support I received during those six weeks.

Good luck!
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Old 01-25-2019, 03:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle View Post
I would have sworn that I did not suffer from anxiety when I was drinking. Then I went to rehab; after several weeks of sobriety I could see how much better I felt. Benzos and alcohol have similar effects on the brain, especially in terms of withdrawal (the 4 hour thing you mentioned) - it was excruciating some days.

Here's the most important part: withdrawal from alcohol and benzos is far more dangerous than opiates and other "hard" drugs. Seizures and major cardiovascular events are not uncommon. I strongly suggest inpatient rehab; I doubt I would have made it on my own without the intensive medical and behavorial support I received during those six weeks.

Good luck!
Thank you.

I think I lack the courage to go to an in-patient thing.
But I have absolutely nothing left to lost in life.
I really need someone to be with me in real life and not just assume I can be responsible for myself. God. It's so pathetic.

Please. Someone force my hand. I need to go to a facility or I'm going to be dead in less than a week.
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Old 01-25-2019, 05:47 AM
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The actual act of going to inpatient rehab feels scary, and it's disorienting in the beginning, but I think it's exactly what you need -- medically supervised detox and an entry point into being away from what is poisoning you now.
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Old 01-27-2019, 05:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Arthox View Post
Thank you.

I think I lack the courage to go to an in-patient thing.
But I have absolutely nothing left to lost in life.
I really need someone to be with me in real life and not just assume I can be responsible for myself. God. It's so pathetic.

Please. Someone force my hand. I need to go to a facility or I'm going to be dead in less than a week.
I was exactly in the same boat when I decided to go to rehab. I figured that I had nothing to lose, and was certain that on my own I would never be able to stop drinking. That was December 2009, I went into treatment on December 20th, and last month celebrated nine years of sobriety.

In that time, I have re-established a career that is challenging and rewarding, regained my health, established a circle of friends that I both like and admire, and got married for the first time at the ripe old age of 48. None of those things were possible while I was drinking, and all of those things are built on the foundation of my sobriety.

AA folks like to say "first things first" - for you, that first thing is to do whatever it takes to get sober. It sounds to me that inpatient rehab is something you should consider like your life depends on it... because it sounds like that is not hyperbole - that is your reality.

This can be the day that you will look back on as the best day of your life. I hope you can find the courage to seek the help you need, no-one could do this for me... I had to take that leap on my own.

Good luck, please stay in touch.
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Old 01-27-2019, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Arthox View Post

Please. Someone force my hand. I need to go to a facility or I'm going to be dead in less than a week.
LOVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES

All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.

ó TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49

"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there." I don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.

I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is "the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear." Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.


none of us can force ya to do anything. hopefully,though, something typed can give ya the courage to make the call and get into rehab.
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Old 01-27-2019, 08:28 AM
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I had a turning point moment once when a therapist said to me, "Why don't you cut your losses?"

Right he was.
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Old 01-27-2019, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Arthox View Post
Please. Someone force my hand. I need to go to a facility or I'm going to be dead in less than a week.
I can relate because I was exactly where you were. At the time, I didn't realize that my soul was forcing my hand and crying out to me. When in total desperation, I listened, the door to recovery cracked open. Help was there the whole time but I had to do my part and reach out in order to receive it. When I did that, it was not over though, only the beginning. I had to hold on tight to the help in order to continue the climb out of the hole, because if I let go, there was nothing the help could do to save me.
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Old 01-27-2019, 09:39 AM
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Arthox, at this point you have everything to gain from in-patient and nothing to lose by moving forward with it.

Do you have insurance that will cover it, or do you need to look into free in-patient options?

Baby steps--call your insurance tomorrow and get things rolling.
You can do it.

Once you get out of the fog of dual addiction, things will become so much brighter--truly
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Old 01-27-2019, 10:06 AM
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Choose to die, or choose to live.

Youíll die trying to do it on your own. Youíve reached the kind of desperation I had, but thereís not a shred of evidence that you have a spark in you to get it done, Damned thing has got a death grip on you. We canít give you an intervention. But you can go in yourself and give it all up to get sober.

Some people decide to drink and die. Some people decide to get sober and live. I had to choose that myself.

But you need to know those are your choices.

Check out sober living. Youíll be housed with people getting sober, but you can still work or go to school in your community. People can help you at home that way. What do you do for a living?
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Old 01-27-2019, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Arthox View Post
Thank you.

I think I lack the courage to go to an in-patient thing.
But I have absolutely nothing left to lost in life.
I really need someone to be with me in real life and not just assume I can be responsible for myself. God. It's so pathetic.

Please. Someone force my hand. I need to go to a facility or I'm going to be dead in less than a week.
Call 911 if thatís what it takes. We canít force your hand Arthox, youíve been coming here with the same story for quite some time now, and you get the same advice each time. Pick up the phone and call.
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Old 01-27-2019, 12:29 PM
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Benzo withdrawal is no joke, and most doctors taper far too aggressively. The longer you have been taking a benzo and the higher the dose, the worse it is.

My final drinking binge was triggered when an insurance screw-up cut off my supply of lunesta, a z-drug and benzo relative. Within a few days I was chasing the withdrawals by drinking around the clock. My doc put me back on the lunesta, but the damage had been done. The only solution for me at this point was inpatient rehab, where they put me on valium and discontinued the lunesta, then VERY gradually over two weeks decreased the valium. It worked.

I was terrified of inpatient, but in retrospect it was one of the best experiences in my life, although not one I'd care to repeat. I highly doubt I'd have even tried longterm sobriety without it.

Previously I'd self-detoxed off of Klonopin using an extremely aggressive taper schedule. It was hell, absolute hell. Heroin junkies say that an untapered benzo withdrawal was WORSE than cold turkey from heroin, and in my experience, was significantly worse than alcohol alone WD.

At the very least, go to a doctor that will taper you very slowly. But doing this as an inpatient will be far easier and more comfortable than trying it yourself. Prior to inpatient, we tried a self-administered librium (another benzo) taper, it didn't work and I ended up worse than I started.

If you have the means and possibility of inpatient, given my experience I'd strongly suggest taking it. It will also give you tools to stay sober as a hugely added bonus!

I so feel your pain, good luck and keep checking in.
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