Couldn’t sleep last night
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Couldn’t sleep last night
Or I suppose I could, I mean six hours is not too bad. Sleeping from 9:30 to 3:30 is a little weird though. I did that thing where you think, hm...if I go back to sleep now I’ll sleep too far into the morning, made a judgement call and got up. I was full of energy and had a bunch of work that needed to be in by 8:30 so I got up and opened my laptop, started coffee. Odd to be doing that at 3am but eh, whatever.
I had a sudden and severe flashback to my early morning drinking in that last couple years. It hit me that I was again wide awake at 3:30 and was planning to stay up, and it was January, a month where I did a lot of sedentary drinking by myself, and...I was completely sober.
3am was always a demonic hour for me, I’d drink all day and then pass out so usually I’d wake again with shakes and sweats and anxiety around that hour, and just figure I was off work for 72 hours or more so I’d start drinking again, then this pattern of drink, sleep, wake, drink, sleep, wake, drink....started and it was random and weird hours, it was the hours of a committed alcoholic.
But if I was off work the next day....which I am, today....and I woke with those gutter withdrawals, the shakes, heart racing and that deathly dark anxiety in my head, I would crack them open and drink them through, sometimes I could nearly finish a 12 pack of trulys or bud platinum (6% alcohol) between the hours of 3am and 9am, sometimes a half bottle of gin or vodka, before passing out again, that was after drinking until evening the day before. I had huge stashes for my long weekends. This morning in the dark of dawn, it was suddenly clear to me with my clear head and my clear conscience and my clear thinking, that I would yet again not be drinking today, that not drinking alcohol when I can’t sleep at 3am was normal and expected, and it felt like a miracle.
I couldn’t concentrate and I started looking through old photos, because I felt like I was BACK there somehow, the me I was then, only I was seeing myself habitually sober, and I was floored. Needless to say it took me until 6:30am to finish work I normally complete in an hour.
I am tired today but not sick, shaking, sweating, anxious or drunk again. It’s a good place to be.
I had a sudden and severe flashback to my early morning drinking in that last couple years. It hit me that I was again wide awake at 3:30 and was planning to stay up, and it was January, a month where I did a lot of sedentary drinking by myself, and...I was completely sober.
3am was always a demonic hour for me, I’d drink all day and then pass out so usually I’d wake again with shakes and sweats and anxiety around that hour, and just figure I was off work for 72 hours or more so I’d start drinking again, then this pattern of drink, sleep, wake, drink, sleep, wake, drink....started and it was random and weird hours, it was the hours of a committed alcoholic.
But if I was off work the next day....which I am, today....and I woke with those gutter withdrawals, the shakes, heart racing and that deathly dark anxiety in my head, I would crack them open and drink them through, sometimes I could nearly finish a 12 pack of trulys or bud platinum (6% alcohol) between the hours of 3am and 9am, sometimes a half bottle of gin or vodka, before passing out again, that was after drinking until evening the day before. I had huge stashes for my long weekends. This morning in the dark of dawn, it was suddenly clear to me with my clear head and my clear conscience and my clear thinking, that I would yet again not be drinking today, that not drinking alcohol when I can’t sleep at 3am was normal and expected, and it felt like a miracle.
I couldn’t concentrate and I started looking through old photos, because I felt like I was BACK there somehow, the me I was then, only I was seeing myself habitually sober, and I was floored. Needless to say it took me until 6:30am to finish work I normally complete in an hour.
I am tired today but not sick, shaking, sweating, anxious or drunk again. It’s a good place to be.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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0300 is my witching hour too. The thing about flashbacks- is I experience the emotions again, like I am back in that place. The trick is to keep reminding myself it is just a memory, and I am not my emotions, they pass- and memories cannot hurt me unless I allow them to.
Support to you.
Support to you.
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Join Date: May 2012
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I've had sleep problems for a lot of my life, even a couple of years after quitting drinking. Addressing my anxiety was a big help and I have eventually returned to a pattern where I usually get about 6 hours of straight sleep a night.
Having said that, I definitely have nights where sleep is hard to come by. Usually it's due to a combination of factors - but mostly when I don't keep all my anxiety tools sharp and something else happens externally that i'm not prepared to deal with. I actually had one of those days yesterday where everything that could go wrong did, I was extremely busy, and I overextended myself to have responsiblitiles literally from 6am until about 9pm. By the time the day was done I was so wound up that i couldn't wind down and then the cycle of worrying/trying to fix/trying to escape started. Very tired today too as a result, but I agree with you Sassy that i'm still far better off than the 'old" me. Hope your day is better and you do get some sleep tonight.
Having said that, I definitely have nights where sleep is hard to come by. Usually it's due to a combination of factors - but mostly when I don't keep all my anxiety tools sharp and something else happens externally that i'm not prepared to deal with. I actually had one of those days yesterday where everything that could go wrong did, I was extremely busy, and I overextended myself to have responsiblitiles literally from 6am until about 9pm. By the time the day was done I was so wound up that i couldn't wind down and then the cycle of worrying/trying to fix/trying to escape started. Very tired today too as a result, but I agree with you Sassy that i'm still far better off than the 'old" me. Hope your day is better and you do get some sleep tonight.
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It used to really bug me when I'd go to bed at 9 or 10 and be up at 3. Now I call that a full night's rest. lol
Insomnia has plagued me in sobriety. It's just par for the course now. I know when I get up at like 2 or 3am I just take a unisom and try to go back to bed.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I do know how disconcerting it can be though. I hope you get a better night of rest tonight.
Insomnia has plagued me in sobriety. It's just par for the course now. I know when I get up at like 2 or 3am I just take a unisom and try to go back to bed.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I do know how disconcerting it can be though. I hope you get a better night of rest tonight.
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Thanks for your post Sassy I really enjoyed reading it, I think it's great when a sudden realization takes us by surprise and we see how far we've come. Sometimes things like this just get lost as we grind on with daily life. Very happy for you 
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy 
Hey you!!
My self care is in the TOILET. I’ve quit exercise and my food addiction is completely in charge. My back hurts, my feet hurt, my ego hurts, everything hurts, I am an old, old woman.
I peruse pictures from 2016 and I looked amazing. I looked 20 years younger. I remember the lightness of being. I remember exercise being so easy. Everything was easy, except my drinking problem.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fix this. I don’t feel like I have the strength to move forward, but after my daughters birthday I will try again: 1/17. I’ll just try again to live a balanced life. Which I do NOT know how to do.
So, hi there! Should start a “1+ year” thread. Bulldogs long thread down there was only 1+ ‘ers, it was cool. Because I’m still so incredibly stupid sometimes and I feel like I should have this all figured out by now.
My self care is in the TOILET. I’ve quit exercise and my food addiction is completely in charge. My back hurts, my feet hurt, my ego hurts, everything hurts, I am an old, old woman.
I peruse pictures from 2016 and I looked amazing. I looked 20 years younger. I remember the lightness of being. I remember exercise being so easy. Everything was easy, except my drinking problem.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fix this. I don’t feel like I have the strength to move forward, but after my daughters birthday I will try again: 1/17. I’ll just try again to live a balanced life. Which I do NOT know how to do.
So, hi there! Should start a “1+ year” thread. Bulldogs long thread down there was only 1+ ‘ers, it was cool. Because I’m still so incredibly stupid sometimes and I feel like I should have this all figured out by now.
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^^Agree!
And Sassy, your OP here resonated with me, too. Along with basically the same cycle you describe, I also recall that there was a certain "point" I'd cross where I'd effectively chosen not to go to bed, and knew I'd keep drinking. usually around 12-1....
I too struggle with sleep - my body seems to have settled (ha) into a 430-530 wake up, without an alarm....630 is late and 7 is shockingly so!!
Like you said, at least none of this is bc I've been drinking. I appreciate you - glad you are here.
And Sassy, your OP here resonated with me, too. Along with basically the same cycle you describe, I also recall that there was a certain "point" I'd cross where I'd effectively chosen not to go to bed, and knew I'd keep drinking. usually around 12-1....
I too struggle with sleep - my body seems to have settled (ha) into a 430-530 wake up, without an alarm....630 is late and 7 is shockingly so!!
Like you said, at least none of this is bc I've been drinking. I appreciate you - glad you are here.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
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Hey Sassy. Some thoughts on the original topic of sleep for your consideration.
For me a bad night of sleep w/o alcohol beats a bad night of sleep with alcohol. Over the years something changed in me so that when I drank I would wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats. I wish I could say sleep got much better when I got sober. But not for me. But when I wake up at 2:00 am sober I still feel better about myself than when drinking. I will say that sober sleep still beats drunken sleep.
Another item for all of us to consider. According the NSF sleep quality generally declines with age. So even folks who did not drink have more sleep problems when they age. My point is that if you are like me and drank for decades, do not expect your sleep patterns to ever return to the better sleep quality of your younger years. We need to understand the effects of aging on our sleep patterns so we don't use the experience of poor sleep in sobriety as an excuse to start drinking again.
https://www.sleepfoundation.org/slee...ging-and-sleep
For me a bad night of sleep w/o alcohol beats a bad night of sleep with alcohol. Over the years something changed in me so that when I drank I would wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats. I wish I could say sleep got much better when I got sober. But not for me. But when I wake up at 2:00 am sober I still feel better about myself than when drinking. I will say that sober sleep still beats drunken sleep.
Another item for all of us to consider. According the NSF sleep quality generally declines with age. So even folks who did not drink have more sleep problems when they age. My point is that if you are like me and drank for decades, do not expect your sleep patterns to ever return to the better sleep quality of your younger years. We need to understand the effects of aging on our sleep patterns so we don't use the experience of poor sleep in sobriety as an excuse to start drinking again.
https://www.sleepfoundation.org/slee...ging-and-sleep
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^^^True for me already at 42 and change 
I also know I'm someone for whom meds impact sleep. I've switched to taking my anti depressant etc in the AM and had stopped both sleeping meds bc they seemed to cause extreme night sweats that made them pointless bc I couldn't sleep! One (seroquel) has a significant anti-anxiety component so given my report this wk about heightened anxiety for a while now, she wants me to take it nightly, so I am risking the sweats again bc better/less anxious days will trump mixed-whatever sleep. She also thinks that the seroquel will ease my need for my Ativan.
I do believe these are all first-world, recovering alcoholic problems so I'm glad for them
I also know I'm someone for whom meds impact sleep. I've switched to taking my anti depressant etc in the AM and had stopped both sleeping meds bc they seemed to cause extreme night sweats that made them pointless bc I couldn't sleep! One (seroquel) has a significant anti-anxiety component so given my report this wk about heightened anxiety for a while now, she wants me to take it nightly, so I am risking the sweats again bc better/less anxious days will trump mixed-whatever sleep. She also thinks that the seroquel will ease my need for my Ativan.
I do believe these are all first-world, recovering alcoholic problems so I'm glad for them
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Originally Posted by AAPJ
OK Sassy - back on the self care horse. Your daughters birthday was yesterday. I pulled this from another thread you posted in last week and added it here because this is a thread you started. You have a lot of fans here at SR. I am cheering for you.
Cake, ice cream and chocolate yesterday and my joints hurt so bad this morning I couldn’t walk, can’t think well, I am a swollen mess.
This morning I made a small healthy breakfast.
I feel very addicted to sugar right now. But I also know sometimes you have to just make a leap in the direction you’re supposed to go. Even when you don’t feel like it.
Also: an OA meeting sounds really good right about now.
Going down to see my dying father after doing an hour of work this am...
Under a lot of emotional stress and the way I am treating myself right now is not helping.
Thanks for the support. Hi August, thank you too! I know you guys are in my corner.
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Sassy, I feel like we are pinky sisters or something right now because we are dealing with so much of the same stuff
Thinking of you today & know that I very much get the ice cream thing, and have the Dad worries starting to really niggle at my brain, so I am sending lots of support.
Thinking of you today & know that I very much get the ice cream thing, and have the Dad worries starting to really niggle at my brain, so I am sending lots of support.
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Good morning Sassy. I realize that life really dealt you some tough medicine with the passing of your father. Again my condolences. But on this food issue I have some information to offer. One of my SR friends SFL started a wonderful thread for folks who have food/eating issues. I read and participated in the thread because I am friends with SFL and because I see some of these challenges with my wife. Anyway the thread sort of died but the value of the posts in the thread are still there. What impressed me most was the constant flow of supportive posts from a small group of SR members. Anyway perhaps you can reach out to some of them by PM? I think most of them would jump at a chance to help you. That's the incredible nature of this site.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-support.html (Food Addiction- 24 Hour Thread/Support)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-support.html (Food Addiction- 24 Hour Thread/Support)
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Originally Posted by AAPJ
Good morning Sassy. I realize that life really dealt you some tough medicine with the passing of your father. Again my condolences. But on this food issue I have some information to offer. One of my SR friends SFL started a wonderful thread for folks who have food/eating issues. I read and participated in the thread because I am friends with SFL and because I see some of these challenges with my wife. Anyway the thread sort of died but the value of the posts in the thread are still there. What impressed me most was the constant flow of supportive posts from a small group of SR members. Anyway perhaps you can reach out to some of them by PM? I think most of them would jump at a chance to help you. That's the incredible nature of this site.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-support.html (Food Addiction- 24 Hour Thread/Support)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-support.html (Food Addiction- 24 Hour Thread/Support)
Sassy I am here to support you in any way that I can. I have 20 months of sobriety but am stilll struggling with food/sugar addiction. It definitely hard to tackle both at once but I was able to do so using a low carb diet. The diet didn’t last but that is because I stopped getting creative with my meals and when I feel bored with food I reach for the sugar. But keto did help me in that first year of sobriety. Maybe take a look at it and see what you think. There’s lots of info online.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
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You made me recall my middle of the nights, too! I shudder when I think back on that. Last night, I fell asleep early, woke up about 3, had a cup of coffee, played my video game for a few hours and fell back to sleep until 9 am. Nice to know I have no guilt or shame over this today!! I love being sober! Thanks for the reminder of how bad it can be.....
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The OA phone meetings are fantastic too, if there isn’t a physical meeting convenient for you tonight. I especially enjoy the ones called “A Vision for You” - a lot of recovery in that group.
https://www.avision4you.info/
https://www.avision4you.info/
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