DaniPistol

Hello I'm 22 years old, I just graduated from college. I have a drinking problem, but I am two weeks sober. Every time I would drink I would get so messed up to the point of blacking out. I did this every weekend (Thursday-Saturday) when I was in school. I embarrassed myself plenty of times. I am finally realizing all the dumb $h*t I used to do, I actually cringe thinking about it.

How do I stop thinking about all the messed up things I did while intoxicated. I realized that my drinking has not only affected me, but also everyone around me. It has affected all of my friends who had to carrying my ass home because I was so drunk I couldn't walk. It has affected my boyfriend who always tries cut me off whenever I started to get too drunk (but I always find a way to sneak and drink).

I am happy to be two weeks sober but I wish I could stop thinking about all the dumb $h*t I've done while blacked out.

OneofYou

Congrats on 2wks DaniPistol, that’s great! I know how you feel as I went to the airport recently the 1st time sober in 15 or so yrs and it took me back to all the things I thought about yep, got kick out of that bar and yep, was too drunk to get on the plane at that gate..

I definitely cringed a bit but I just try also thinking how great it is going back to those places sober and a completely different person. At 22, be so proud of how mature you are to realize early on the importance of being good to yourself and I try to remind myself not to think of all that’s been lost but all yet you still have to look forward to!!

Keep up the great work and try not to beat yourself up

Ghostlight1

Hello.
I've had the same experience early in sobriety.
If I compulsively thought about all the things I did while blacked out or too drunk to function it would drive me insane.
I've found that these thoughts of the past went away with time. In fact, I rarely think about them now.

Give it time. Time heals all wounds. Forgive yourself. You're sober now, there's no point in reliving the past. And I know those thoughts can be obsessive which we can't control. But keep your eyes on the future.
And you have a bright one quitting so young. I wish I would have had your smarts, it would have saved me a lot of misery.

Best to you, and keep you chin up.

resolute50

You are not your past.
It's tough sometimes, but you have to lose the ole baggage and pick up a new life.
Like my signature quote from the Duke:

AtomicBlue

Time and for me, working the 12 steps helped me forgive myself for past mistakes. I did obsess about them at times in early sobriety for sure. It can be hard. Reminds me of a song lyric “You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.”

Hang in there Dani. You at smart quitting at 22. My friend quit at your age and is now 13 years sober. I wish I would have followed his footsteps sooner.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Alcohol intoxication drastically changes your brain chemistry. The person you are when you're drunk isn't the same person you are when you're sober. Also, feeling remorse for drunken actions is an example of empathy; you're putting yourself in the shoes of others that had to see that. That makes you a good person. Keep your chin up and just keep going one day at a time.

Torii

Congrats on your 2 weeks. I admit, your post made me smile, I could've written the exact thing at your age.

Speaking from my experience only, I found that people at that age were usually more focused on their own issues, and although I was mortified about the things I did, to them they weren't a huge deal. Embarrassing, yes. Unforgivable, no.

I also found that 'shame cycle' to be my alcoholic voice trying to make me drink again. I'd be pretty hard on myself and turn to drinking to fix the problem caused by drinking. I may not have been super bright back then.

​​​​​The brain does love to torture us, though. It doesn't want you to forget the things that are upsetting you, so it keeps a running commentary going. I found it helpful to get a notebook, or even a phone app, and write down the things that keep getting repeated. You have them written down, so you are letting yourself know that you won't forget these important things, but that you don't need to be actively remembering them constantly. It was a trick my old psychologist taught me.

I also find/found it helpful to spend a minute or so every night to list at least 3 things from the day I was proud of/pleased by/thankful for/made me happy. It helps switch the negative talk to positive.

That all said, it's important to take responsibility, but not to torment yourself. Think of someone you love, a friend or family member. If you swapped positions and it was them feeling awful about their past actions and they were trying to make amends, what would you say to them? Would you be able to forgive them and be proud of their strength to make a change and admit their issues? Try to treat yourself as your own loved one, if you can't imagine talking to someone else in a certain way, definately don't talk to yourself that way.

Realest

I couldn’t stop thinking about certain things I did when drinking. Like being carried home by my friends. Or other stupid stuff. It’s natural to think about these things. But as you move forward in sobriety you won’t dwell on the past so much. And you can use it as a tool to help other alcoholics. In Gods economy nothing is wasted. Also the reality is no one is keeping score. I don’t dwell on the past anymore , it is what it is. It’ll get better keep your chin up.

Dropsie

What Toril said exactly. I mean E.x.a.c.t.l.y.

I won't bore with my details, but I think I am not only addicted to alcohol, but to the shame itself. I see that because I no longer drink but I still find lots of way to shame myself. Its my last addiction to break, but its a toughie.

But I have a daughter older than you are. You are young. You can fix this. Drinking fueled my shame cycle for 50 years. You can break the cycle now while you are still young.

Toril's advice is perfect.

You are worth it.

Fronting

Heavy drinkers always do stupid stuff. I could tell you a lot of stupid stuff I did drunk but some things are best kept a secret.

Unfortunately for me I lost many friends because of my actions while drunk. My new friends or friends I had all along but never acted stupid in front of are still with me today. But many have fallen by the wayside.

At 22 years old you have plenty of time to rebuild your life. You may lose some friends along the way but that's life. And I guess if you don't like people looking at you like you are a drunk stooge(not that they do but you know what I mean) then you got to cut off the booze, and I mean all of it.

I wish i was 22 again

SoberCAH

I have a friend who got sober at your age and has 35-40 years clean and sober.

I got sober at 31 years old and am grateful to have recovered at a reasonably young age.

Getting sober at your age is both a gift and an opportunity.

I hope that you treasure and grow your sobriety.

I sure don't miss the old days of spending all my money (and then some) on alcohol and riotous living and passing out and blacking out.

DriGuy

There are so many good replies in this thread that I stopped clicking the thanks button afraid that everyone would just think I was doing it out of habit.

DriGuy

I no longer know about the expense. I was watching a movie recently, actually it was a ten year old movie, where some guy ordered a beer at a bar, and the bar tender charged him $3, and it hit me how out of touch I was. I remember paying less than that for Schmidt Beer's "Dandy Dozen" (that was their trade name for a half case) back in the day. Friend's used to laugh about how bad Schmidt was, but I had discovered that my hangover wouldn't be any worse than I'd get from Lowenbrau.

FBL

The past is gone. If you want to move forward, you will have to just let it go and move on. The important thing is to stay sober, so you don't create any future regrets.

tomsteve

what worked pretty good for me was lookin at myself and learning what makes me tick. i learned the causes and conditions for how i acted, then worked at changing my thinking and actions. then i made amends to people. not an ,"im sorry" but went to them explained what i did, why i did it, what i should have done, and what i had done to change/correct it.
HOWEVER, first things first: i decided i was willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.

today? my past doesnt haunt me and its the most valuable posession i have. i can talk freely about my old drunken antics and laugh about most of it because im not that man any more.