ljc267

Believe it or not I have never told my two daughters I am an alcoholic. They knew I drank all the time. In fact they never knew me as a non drinker. Then two years ago I quit for good. I got sober on my own and didn't go to AA or anything so I was never away from home. I actually had to tell them I quit as they had not noticed. I guess I was good at hiding my problems. I did have A LOT of anxiety early on so I didn't leave the house much except to go to work for a few months.

My eldest daughter is getting into counseling as a career. We often discuss addiction and having read and gone through it, I have a wealth of knowledge on the subject. I really surprised she has never asked my why I know so much about it. I think she knows but doesn't say anything and I don't think my other daughter does know.

My youngest daughter is a lot like me which worries me. She does smoke pot occasionally but does not drink. I am torn on this as what to do. I don't think it is terrible for a kid, over 18, to have the occasionally drink or joint if they are "normal." But I worry about it.

All that being said my question is should I tell them and discuss it or not. I am the leader of my family, so to speak, and I don't want to let them down. Maybe that is an odd way of putting it but I can't find any other words to describe my feelings.

Thoughts?

entropy1964

Hmmm. I don't really know. But if you have concerns for the younger daughter, letting her know might be prudent. Its a balancing act. We don't want to instill fear, or the 'forbidden fruit' idea. But there does seem to be a genetic component to 'this' although whether it is nature or nurture is hard to say.

Do you have a family history of addiction?

hopeful4

Congratulations on your sobriety, that is wonderful!

My advise is to be honest, and to offer to answer any questions they have, and to listen to them. And to make sure they know it had nothing to do with them as children of addicts often blame themselves.

Again, congratulation!

ljc267

You're response is pretty much where I am. Not sure what to do. I don't worry about my older daughter. She is like her mom and will have a drink and that is it.

My grandfather died of alcoholism and my grandmother was an alcoholic but quit and lived to 90. My mom was addicted to pain killers and many of my extended family had alcohol addiction. So yeah a lot.

ScottFromWI

I worry that my kids will be like me in that sense too. I think drugs/addiction in general are a fine topic of conversation for older kids as they are definitely seeing it all around them. However it's their choice as to how they react, so i don't think horror stories or scare tactics help.

Guener

I grew up in a household that included an alcoholic father. He was functional at what he did about work, or at least that's what I saw, but I definitely noticed what was going on with people getting wasted, time spent waiting outside the bars for him to come out, and disputes between my parents over his behaviors. So, I would have to guess that at least your older children noticed this and may just not be acknowledging it with you. Back in my early days it was more common to "get away" with excessive drinking than it is today. I don't have any advice to offer, as I don't have children of my own, other than to say that we project an environment of proper behaviors that are potentially picked up by younger people.

Stayingsassy

I think it's up to you.

I wish I hadn't been quite so open with the kids. It got brought up a lot and there was some hyper-focus on it. I finally told them I'd rather not talk about it so much, so now it only comes up when it's relevant.

I don't think it's a bad thing to tell them. Especially an 18 year old. And honestly it s got such a genetic connection it could end up being important information to her as she makes choices through her life about how much and how often to drink.

August252015

Talk to them. They likely know more than you think, or suspect things, especially the daughter going into counseling. Hiding things like this has never proven healthy nor successful in my book.

For my fam, "no one" was worried about me as the uber successful etc first born...my brother was the one pegged to be an alcoholic or drug addict. I became the full fledged insane alcoholic (like my mom) and as of now, he'd still fall into the AA category of heavy drinker- we think he could stop but....

My husband is also in rcovery and we are appropriately honest, as we see it, with his 16 and 20 yr olds. Their mom is an alcoholic too, with a different kind of view on recovery even though she is in AA too. The kids are going to choose whether or not to drink, but seeing us happily living in recovery compared to before- and he didn't think they knew nearly as much as they did- is very important to us. Questions and conversation is good.,

ljc267

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

ljc267

I'm sure, like we do, I'm making much more out of this in my head then I should.

D122y

Ljc,

I told my son, wife, sisters, entire drinking close family as much as I could about my understanding about booze and the brain etc.

I wanted to give my family a chance to not get addicted or quit.

Unfortunately, nobody listened. My son is the one I work the most with. He claims to be drug free and wants to stay that way.

At his age, 15, I was already addicted. Nobody knew about this stuff in my circles.

Thanks.

fini

i told my kids after i had been sober a little bit. they really didn't know the alcoholic extent of my drinking, as i had spent tons of energy hiding everything.
secrets didn't serve anyone, except my drinking and hiding in shame.
secrets create un-safety for all concerned, add to any existing lack of trust. i say these things...but have to acknowledge i never told my parents, as that relationship had no trust in it to start with. but i wanted something different with my kids.

i am not sure where the line is between privacy and secrecy. but with grow-up kids and this...yeah, i'd tell.

soberandhonest

I think you need to choose what is right for you and your family. For me, when my kids get about the age of yours, I will tell them. I come from a long history of family alcoholism and I feel like one of the best ways to break it is by being fairly open about it. I want my kids to hear my story from me and hopefully learn from it. I want them to be more aware of the risks of addiction and the genetic link that runs so strong in my family. I hope I can do this without lecturing or telling them what to do. They will likely drink and I'm fine with that. I just want them to be more aware of where the road will lead if they are not careful.

Tynesider22

I'm learning that my family know about my problem more than I thought they did. I am actually relieved as it means I have less to explain.

I feel awful about what was basically my hidden life (for want of a better word), but am looking to the future. I have even said this to my loved ones "can't change the past, look ahead to the future".

I've made a deal with myself. I am never going to instigate a conversation about my drinking during normal conversation, but if I am asked about it, I will answer openly and honestly. This way I can take each day at a time getting better and better without the guilt of keeping secrets and basically lying to others.

Stayingsassy

I did tell my kids their whole lives from very early on, "don't start drinking. Don't even try it. You will never have to quit if you just don't start. It's in our family. The best thing to do is not start."

I was lax about a lot of other things, I have a very liberal outlook morally, so saying , "don't drink" made an impact. Like whoa, Mom told us not to do this, she must mean it. "

so my 21 year old has tasted alcohol, didn't like it, and never tried it again. She'll be 22 in January and has completed her bachelor's, so that's a lot of college temptation, but she never picked up. My middle child is 20. She has had one glass of wine rarely, once or twice per year. She got drunk in Peru on a summer trip once: called me from Peru crying and telling me she loves me..she said it was awful and she'll never do it again. But who knows.. She carries a full load at UC, writes for their paper, works at Starbucks and also is a volunteer tax preparer: not much time for party lifestyle. My 12 year old says often she will never drink.

I believe my kids are successful NOT because of my parenting. I loved them but I drank and I was way too relaxed with the rules. They are successful because they have what it takes PLUS they avoided the pitfalls of partying and so far have stepped around their genetic risk of alcoholism. May they never have this problem. My biggest wish for them.

Wholesome

If your kids are anything like mine then I bet they are just happy that you quit.

D122y

Kids learn from our words and our actions. You told them not to drink and you showed them what drinking does to a person.

Once they left the house and started to see more examples of drunks, normys, and non drinkers they were able to understand the damage booze can cause.

If you hid your drinking and never told them anything about booze, then you might feel bad.

You didn't do that.

Neither did I. Hopefully my 15 yo listens to me. He was pretty young when i quit.

But, recently he started screaming at my naggy wife. She works him harder than me.

When I told him that screaming like that was wrong and could lead to escalating issues, he said...you used to do that?

I responded, ya. But that was when I was drinking alot.

He seemed to understand.

Thanks.