noaddedsugar

Hi everyone - first time poster here!

So today will be my third day sober after drinking heavily everyday for 3 and a half years. What started out as a bottle of wine every night gradually escalated to anywhere from 350-700ml of vodka every day, around the clock.

I've been through serious withdrawals 3 times, ending up in the emergency room as an outpatient (severe shaking, auditory hallucinations etc.) God knows how I've managed to hold down a job but I've come to realise that if I carry on the way I've been going it won't be for much longer. My performance last week at work was absolutely shocking and my drinking is becoming more and more obvious.

Blood tests back in July showed I've already damaged my liver at 28 years old. You would think that would've deterred me but it didn't. Then last week I got a wake up call. I was at work and a client pointed out that I had the shakes. I've realised I could lose everything if I don't change. I'm already in debt and my health is suffering. I'm feeling unwell all of the time, my appetite is non existent and I'm pretty sure I've damaged my liver further. I don't want to have to hit rock bottom before I stop (although I'll admit at times it feels like I have) I have no mental desire to drink anymore - I was literally just drinking to stay alive and keep withdrawal at bay. I was absolutely terrified going through the process of detoxing myself (I tapered down) because I know how bad the withdrawals are and I promised myself if I could only get through it then that would be it for me. Day 2 was the scariest. I woke up 'sober' but so confused. My eyes couldn't focus on anything and my co-ordination was terrible. I felt like I'd permanently damaged my brain. Day 5 and I'm feeling pretty positive. I feel like it's miracle that I've come out of the worst of withdrawing and more 'normal'. Although I have no idea what normal is anymore after being under the influence for so long.

I suffer from severe anxiety and have all of my life which is why I started drinking in the first place. I'm on holiday from work at the moment and I go back next week which will be the real test because I have no idea what my personality now is without alcohol and how I will cope under pressure. I also have blood tests at the doctor's today to check my liver function which absolutely terrifies me but I need to know where I'm at.

Sorry for the long post, I just had to offload somewhere. Hopefully this is the beginning of a new start for me!

NulaMeansZero

First Off ! Congrats on taking the necessary steps , you can do this !
Everything in life is difficult in the beginning, but as you get more time under your belt , things ease up a bit. Same with when you stop Drinking , you fell like the you can't , but you can stop, obviously do it correctly.
The life you have been living has robbed you of a lot , alcohol has imprisoned you .

Getting sober will shock you !

You will live a life you deserve, you deserve better and guess what , you have the control to change it.

Go outside , go for walks or runs, get your blood flowing and your mind off the poison.

You'll have a lot of energy, use it, be positive.

You can and will turn this around.....

You have too!

Nothing will change unless you do...

Break the cycle and treat yourself to a new life..

noaddedsugar

Thankyou! I am already feeling as though I have a new lease of life and have been going out for walks and even managed to go to the gym and do some light exercise this week for the first time in a year

I know it will be a case of taking every day as it comes and there will probably be tough times ahead but I'm so ready for change. It's like somethings snapped in me and I just know I can't go back to the horror I was living. It's the first time I haven't craved alcohol in years.

Briansy

Awesome!!

Hevyn

It's great to have you join us, noaddedsugar. I drank 30 yrs. Be glad you were wise enough to take action at a young age. Congrats on your 5 days. You are never alone.

noaddedsugar

Thanks Hevyn It seems like there's such a great support network going on here and it's good to know I'm not alone. Helpful to have a place to vent because even though I've accepted I've got a problem with alcohol and admitted it it's still not something I'm all that comfortable with speaking out loud about at the moment..

Lorie1482

Dee74

Great to have you join us noaddedsugar
congrats on day 3

D

WaterOx

Hey that's great! There was a time not long ago I couldn't make it past a day sober. 5 days seemed like some sort of far out fantasy!


I had many of the same concerns. What I came to realize is that the cure is the cause. Alcohol causes the very anxiety it claims to relieve.
It's a real scam.

Be easy with yourself, especially the first week and month. The anxiety is produced from withdrawal and that can last for at least a few weeks. Try to be curious more than worried. I was worried what a horrible person I might end up being without alcohol. Turns out I was way better than I could imagine.

PhoenixJ

WELCOME NS!
Keep posting, reading, learning, joining and sharing.

noaddedsugar

Well a week down the line and I'm now craving alcohol so bad

I bought a bottle of vodka on my way home from work. I don't know what I was thinking. It was like a compulsion.

Now I'm just sitting here trying to talk myself out of drinking it.

Why am I like this?!

Briansy

Hope you make it to the end of the day sober. All the best.

Stayingsassy

It's just alcoholism, that is your answer.

Pour it down the sink. That's where the soul sucking, health destroying life ruining poison belongs. It's dangerous for you to have it in your home.

Do something else. Anything else. Visit someone who doesn't drink much. Eat something...did you eat before buying alcohol? In early sobriety our blood sugar is way down. Take an Epsom salt bath. Stay on this website. Visit an AA meeting just to be around other drunks who want to quit. Go on Netflix and watch movies.

That's all I got. At the end of the day what you've got to want is sobriety, and you've got to want to avoid drinking and all its trappings more than anything else and if you don't want it, talk yourself into it. convince yourself that you want permanent sobriety. It can be done.

ScottFromWI

There's no logical answer to that unfortunately, we just "are" that way.

That doesn't mean you don't have any say about it - far from it. You came here to talk it through before drinking - that's fantastic. Now just dump it out and find something else to do - hang out here all weekend if you need to!

August252015

Glad you are here! You can stop now and it will be absolutely worth it for the future you.

noaddedsugar

Thanks guys. I've come to my senses and it's gone down the kitchen sink.

I haven't ate so I'm gonna go and make myself something healthy to eat and then have a bubble bath. Probably put a film on afterwards to distract myself. Just feeling really low at the moment.. I've got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know having a drink would take it away temporarily but then obviously it would make it a million times worse in the long run.

The fact I've even bought alcohol after the horror of my last withdrawal is ludicrous

Dee74

Hi noaddedsugar - there's a acronym to help us remember common trigger points - HALT - Hungry Lonely Angry Tired - it's worth remembering for next time you feel that mad desire.

There's that and more ideas on cravings here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-cravings.html (CarolD's tips for cravings)

I'm really pleased you got through tonight tho - and that you dumped the booze

D

Stayingsassy

That "terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach" went away after awhile, for me. I remember it well, though. It was awful and frightening. Many, many many early mornings and day afters I felt like that and it was a good while into sobriety before the feeling vanished.

Hormones and brain chemicals out of whack, that's all, and it takes awhile to rebalance.

TnTPoP

I am very proud that you are on day 5. That voice in your head and all the happiness you are feeling will be one of your first traps.

You brain is like a spoiled evil little manipulator.... and you just took away its payday.

It will tell you lies, its not the shakes and the withdrawals I'm talking about...its the "Oh man I feel so good I think I'm better now...Ill just have one tonight be cause I deserve it" part of your brain.

You have 3 words you need to practice saying to yourself as you get stronger everyday "F...U.... Brain"....

Hold every embarrassing moment and anger you had close while you heal and use to to make you stronger than you ever thought imaginable.

Then smile and take your brain for a walk and curb train it.

noaddedsugar

I've drank again recently. I did get to a really good point and then I caved.

I absolutely hate myself and can't understand why I keep putting myself in a position where I feel like hell after everything I've already been through.

I need to stop before I lose everything. I just really miss the person I was before. She is lost to me now