Marissa41

My eyes are a tinge yellow.
I have cirrhosis but still want to drink.
What is this compulsion for alcohol.
If I don't stop I'm going to die.
Today is my first day at another attempt and I'm about give in already.
I need to be locked up! My brain isn't making any sense right now.
I'm so addicted I don't even wait until noon to drink.
It's almost like I have a death wish, but I think it's major depression.

ScottFromWI

Glad you are back Marissa. I"m not sure what your history is but there's nothing to say that you cannot make today the day that you quit drinking forever.

Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, so most people who drink a lot are depressed right off the bat. If you do feel you have clinical depression or other mental health issues ( most of us did! ) then you should seek professional help for that too.

I hope we can offer you some support here as well - have you ever participated in a local support group or rehab program by chance? Extraordinary problems need to be solved with extraordinary measures...so don't rule out anything.

whitejay

Hello....I feel the same way Marissa
I need to be locked up too.

I think I have a damaged brain from alcohol and all I ever do is pray every day for God to remove my obsessions and open my eyes to good things in life.

It causes major depression in me when coming down. Its evil.

AA and my sponsor is making such a difference. God bless for your recovery and healing.

Marissa41

I'm looking into AA this weekend. I need to reschedule a psychiatrist appointment. I saw a counselor last month and going back soon. I'm making an effort for those things. Today is just not a great day. I haven't slept for the past two night due to anxiety. Plus I have no job or insurance.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like you are making some good decisions there Marissa. Looking into AA or any type of local support group is a fine idea, there's no cost and you could likely even get a ride or some support over the phone prior to going. Give your local chapter a call and see what they have to offer.

I had horrible problems with anxiety and insomnia for quite some time after I quit. I'm glad you are seeing a counselor again, there's some things you could try now too to help with the insomnia . Cutting back on caffeine and sugar was huge for me. Trying to eat some healthy food and getting a little exercise ( even just a walk ) helped as well. Staying away from stimulation like the internet and television/phones for at least an hour before bed helps too - all it takes is one comment on a webpage or a video to get your mind spinning again so don't give it the chance!

Stayingsassy

I'm sorry you're having a hard day.

Did the doctors give some hope for you if you are able to quit drinking?

AA should be able to give you the support you need.

SoberCAH

Marissa -

I hope that you find and hold onto AA with everything you have.

You sure don't need to die drunk, and that may be what your circumstances come to if you don't.

You sound like you need whatever help you can get.

If it's any consolation, I do, too.

But, it's worked for me for a pretty good while now, and I was in terrible shape when I joined it.

Keep us posted.

Marissa41

I'm not sure where my liver is at. I'm not really even sure I have jaundice. I can't really tell, and if I do it's very faint. I was in the ER in September and was dehydrated. They kept me and detoxed me and I also needed platelets. But you can't really get good labs when you're drinking. I need to quit then get them checked. Dehydration throws everything off, they weren't good. But could have been way worse. I don't have any others symptoms right now. If I stop I could be ok.

TY Guys for all of your support. I guess I need to be accountable for that AA meeting now.

PhoenixJ

Marissa- your words resonate with me. My story is well documented elsewhere at SR, suffice to say my rock-b was much worse than I ever could have imagined.
Go to that meeting. See a doc- just get out of your isolation/headspace and do something. Post here lost..join some threads here, maybe 'Class of November '18'?
Life DOES get better, slowly and yoo are worth the effort. Give yourself hope (I am a w.
My prayers and support to you.alking example of that)

Anna

Marissa, I'm glad you're feeling a bit better about your situation. It sounds like you are doing good things to help yourself. You may find that your depression lifts when you stop drinking. If not, then you might want to talk to your doctor about the depression. You can do this!

Stayingsassy

This is such good news, it means you can truly have hope. Stick close to SR, give sobriety everything you have..and go to that AA meeting!

entropy1964

So if you need to be locked up, do it. Even in the ultra conservative state I live in where the idea of 'helping those in need' is a bit of revolutionary thought, we have rehab for people without insurance. You can go to the ER and they can set you up with a social services person who can help. Or call your health department, google free rehab in your area. Its there.

I have needed to lock myself multiple times I'm proud to say. Haha. Proud because I did it. And I seem to be doing ok. You can do this.

sortofhomecomin

Marissa, I agree with frickaflip. I also think you would benefit enormously from in-patient detox & rehab in a medical/therapeutic/rehab setting. Is there any way for you to arrange this?

Marissa41

I don't think I need medical detox again after my hospital stay in September. I can't do 30 days because of my autistic daughter. She's 22 and high functioning but still can't stay alone. So I'm going to do AA, counseling, and the psychiatrist for now. Oh and check in here every morning.

PhoenixJ

post lots, M

Stayingsassy

I can relate to the mom thing keeping us out of inpatient.

Give sobriety everything you have. Commit 100%. It takes the kind of commitment you take on when you are keeping your newborn alive and safe in the first few months of life. Remember checking on her to make sure she's breathing? Early sobriety is like that.

Everything you do, say or experience must be felt through the lens of sobriety. the old you dies: the sober you is born.

We will be here for you. Use us, AA, your therapist and your own protective instinct to save yourself.

Marissa41

Someone tell me to stay off Dr. Google. I had a bathroom issue and it's freaking me out. Enough to make me get sober NOW!!!

Stayingsassy

If it's something concerning like blood, you should go in to get checked.

But yes, especially with an established medical condition, stay off Google and let the doctors handle it.

Healthyandsober

Hi Marissa, you need to get sober now regardless. It will only get worst. If you have no work at the moment then go to as many AA meetings as you can it will keep you busy.

Google cannot diagnose you there is a future prediction for all of us if we keep drinking it will get worst.

prayers for all of us and good luck

ScottFromWI

I used to go down the Dr. Google rabbit hole on a daily basis. If you think you have a health issue, see a health professional...Dr. G will just make your anxiety even worse.