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He's throwing it in my face during a fight

Old 11-04-2018, 11:07 AM
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He's throwing it in my face during a fight

But at 14 months of sobriety, I am impenetrable.

Those of you who have acted in ways you regret as a drinker: I can't tell you what it feels like after a year of sobriety to wipe your own slate clean.

I have never felt better about myself during a fight with my husband than I do today.

He's bringing up all the nights I was passed out on the couch or in bed. Yep, female alcoholics who drink at home do that.

Guess who is now a sober alcoholic?


💗💘💝💛💚💙
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Old 11-04-2018, 11:34 AM
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Itís a great thing being in recovery isnít it?
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Old 11-04-2018, 11:39 AM
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I love having these moments when I realize what an amazing and beautiful thing I've done. I couldn't be more tuned in with my kids, and they are my life right now. What happens in the future when they leave the nest I don't know. but it feels good to be HERE!
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Old 11-04-2018, 01:08 PM
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Yep, once you "clean up your side of the street" it's a lot easier to to let petty BS roll off of your back. Now days when I'm wrong about something I own up to it immediately, and when I'm not there is no one in this world that can lay a guilt trip on me. It took me over 20 years to finally become free of the guilt and shame I carried around and I'm not about to let it start accumulating it again. Living with a clean conscious is one of the best rewards I've gotten from getting sober and taking responsibility for myself.
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Old 11-04-2018, 05:26 PM
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Old 11-04-2018, 07:17 PM
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yay, Sassy, it's great to be in a spot where you know the truth of what you did and accept it without being vulnerable to have it thrown at you in ugliness.
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Old 11-05-2018, 04:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Grungehead View Post
Yep, once you "clean up your side of the street" it's a lot easier to to let petty BS roll off of your back. Now days when I'm wrong about something I own up to it immediately, and when I'm not there is no one in this world that can lay a guilt trip on me. It took me over 20 years to finally become free of the guilt and shame I carried around and I'm not about to let it start accumulating it again. Living with a clean conscious is one of the best rewards I've gotten from getting sober and taking responsibility for myself.
Love this
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Old 11-05-2018, 10:31 AM
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He might have deep seeded issues that he needs to deal with now that you are stronger.

I was never alone in my alcoholism.
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Old 11-05-2018, 11:27 AM
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The hardest thing for me is remembering the terrible things I did.

Even my evil ex-husband (and he is bad) never throws it in my face ever.

My eldest does but in the context of what it did to her, which I get but does not make it any easier.

Not sure what the fight was about, but not cool of him to do that.

I would not be able to let it run off my back as easy as you are.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!
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Old 11-05-2018, 12:10 PM
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We were headed to his family's party. We haven't been speaking, so I told him I'd go but I wanted to take a separate car. He got so upset at the prospect of taking a separate car that I told him it looked like he wanted a designated driver so he could drink, and I wasn't willing to do it.

He then launched into how he knows he is an alcoholic who has not quit, but that I "abused him with my alcoholism for years" and "countless nights he'd come home and I was already passed out" etc and that it was "laughable" that I would accuse him of needing a dd. It dawned on me that I haven't done that for almost 14 months, and that I have no plans to ever do that again.

I calmly reminded him that I had achieved firm sobriety, that it was no small feat, and that what was "laughable" is someone arguing about my alcoholism which is now resolved, especially since he has not resolved his own.

And then there were, and are, crickets. As grungehead said, I move forward in this life with a clean conscience, no matter who I interact with, or what happens in my daily life.
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Old 11-05-2018, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Dropsie View Post
The hardest thing for me is remembering the terrible things I did.

It's harder for those that had to be around us.... putting up with our drunkenness and all the fun things that spill out when we are.

So I politely disagree... I feel like after all we have done we need to let them heal too and often times them bringing it up is much less than what we've done to them.

Being angry is apart of recovery too.

In this case... this in an active alcoholic that can't cope with a partner that has moved on.... so I have no opinion there since my partner just not find of the drink.
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Old 11-05-2018, 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted by TnTPoP View Post
It's harder for those that had to be around us.... putting up with our drunkenness and all the fun things that spill out when we are.

So I politely disagree... I feel like after all we have done we need to let them heal too and often times them bringing it up is much less than what we've done to them.

Being angry is apart of recovery too.

In this case... this in an active alcoholic that can't cope with a partner that has moved on.... so I have no opinion there since my partner just not find of the drink.
That's what occurred to me when he brought it all up, which he hasn't really done so far in my sobriety. That it's fair for him to bring it up, even to throw it in my face, because it was indeed something I did that was neglectful and hurtful. But the point of this post (despite the feisty title) was that *I can handle it now.* As a sober person, who is comfortable in sobriety, I can handle him bringing it up. A year later, I can look at it like wow I had a big life problem, I'm so grateful I fixed it. Even in the heat of anger, that blessing of sobriety gently reminds me that I am alright. Peace in the heart, rather than pain, guilt and anxiety.

As for his problem, despite the fact that I think he's a grade A ***hole right now, I will state that his alcoholism is not, and was not, as severe as mine.
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Old 11-05-2018, 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy View Post
T But the point of this post (despite the feisty title) was that *I can handle it now.* As a sober person, who is comfortable in sobriety, I can handle him bringing it up. A year later, I can look at it like wow I had a big life problem, I'm so grateful I fixed it. Even in the heat of anger, that blessing of sobriety gently reminds me that I am alright. Peace in the heart, rather than pain, guilt and anxiety.
And that is a point very well worth reinforcing. It shows that you have made a lot of progress and changed yourself. Yes - you have literally CHANGED your thought processes in a permantent, positive way. Life will always throw us challenges, sober or not - but being sober far better prepares us to deal with it. Good job on handling the situation real time and also coming here to talk it through.
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Old 11-05-2018, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
And that is a point very well worth reinforcing. It shows that you have made a lot of progress and changed yourself. Yes - you have literally CHANGED your thought processes in a permantent, positive way. Life will always throw us challenges, sober or not - but being sober far better prepares us to deal with it. Good job on handling the situation real time and also coming here to talk it through.
Thanks scott...you know me, I always come here to talk it through! 😏

I value the opinion of many here, there are people here who have overcome an enormous obstacle: which means they've done their own self reflection and used their own strength to stay true to themselves.
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Old 11-05-2018, 05:17 PM
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Awesome stuff Sass. Inspiring and all that. You've clearly done work to get here and have earned the peace of mind you are able to exhibit in situations like the one your husband put you through.

My only qualm is that you said it was alcoholic wives passing out on couches or in bed - no respect for us alcoholic husbands!

Congrats and thank you for sharing. Here's to a better life for us.
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Old 11-05-2018, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
Awesome stuff Sass. Inspiring and all that. You've clearly done work to get here and have earned the peace of mind you are able to exhibit in situations like the one your husband put you through.

My only qualm is that you said it was alcoholic wives passing out on couches or in bed - no respect for us alcoholic husbands!

Congrats and thank you for sharing. Here's to a better life for us.
Haha after I wrote that I realized that alcoholic husbands (who drank like me) probably do the same! In our house that was me.
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Old 11-05-2018, 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy View Post
We were headed to his family's party. We haven't been speaking, so I told him I'd go but I wanted to take a separate car. He got so upset at the prospect of taking a separate car that I told him it looked like he wanted a designated driver so he could drink, and I wasn't willing to do it.

He then launched into how he knows he is an alcoholic who has not quit, but that I "abused him with my alcoholism for years" and "countless nights he'd come home and I was already passed out" etc and that it was "laughable" that I would accuse him of needing a dd. It dawned on me that I haven't done that for almost 14 months, and that I have no plans to ever do that again.

I calmly reminded him that I had achieved firm sobriety, that it was no small feat, and that what was "laughable" is someone arguing about my alcoholism which is now resolved, especially since he has not resolved his own.

And then there were, and are, crickets. As grungehead said, I move forward in this life with a clean conscience, no matter who I interact with, or what happens in my daily life.
Why wouldn't you agree to be a designated driver? Is it because you were upset with him over something besides his drinking? Or because he gets too loaded when he know he doesn't have to drive?

My wife isn't an alcoholic and there are no issues when she does drink. However, I am the one always doing the driving.

Even a few drinks can you get an DUI.
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Old 11-05-2018, 08:21 PM
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My wife used to do that. Early on, I think I let her steam roll me because I thought I deserved it.

Then it started to wear thin on me.
I let her have the wins until I was just over a year and then I asked her during an argument what had I done that was so bad since then.

She didn't have much to say after that.

We still bicker...but it's all harmless ankle grabbers. The really scary s#it stopped pretty early on.
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Old 11-05-2018, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx View Post
Why wouldn't you agree to be a designated driver? Is it because you were upset with him over something besides his drinking? Or because he gets too loaded when he know he doesn't have to drive?

My wife isn't an alcoholic and there are no issues when she does drink. However, I am the one always doing the driving.

Even a few drinks can you get an DUI.
He actually does not get that loaded. Usually I agree to drive him and he ends up driving because he didn't drink enough to get drunk.

I would never tell him this now (I used to in the past) because I would prefer he stop drinking, but he believes he is an alcoholic, and I don't think he is. Of course it's possible that compared to me, he looks moderate. I didn't set the bar real high there...

What he does do, is stay at parties way too long on school nights. I wanted to make an appearance, but get back home at a reasonable hour for my kid. I was giving him the opportunity to stay as long as he wanted to.

Also I was really pi$$ed at him.
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Old 11-05-2018, 08:40 PM
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Originally Posted by BullDog777 View Post
My wife used to do that. Early on, I think I let her steam roll me because I thought I deserved it.

Then it started to wear thin on me.
I let her have the wins until I was just over a year and then I asked her during an argument what had I done that was so bad since then.

She didn't have much to say after that.

We still bicker...but it's all harmless ankle grabbers. The really scary s#it stopped pretty early on.
Yeah I think that's fair. Let her have at it in the beginning to a point.

He would talk about it a lot in the beginning, but mostly with jokes (comparing me to Frank on Shameless, etc) and I felt mocked, it irritated me and I told him to stop. He hasn't done it all year.

Now we are in a bad one stretching for weeks....and he just now brought it up. Maybe he needed to bring it up more, I don't know: but it's been over a year. It smacks of him trying to find something bad to say about me and all he can think of is something I did 14 months ago. Or, maybe there is residual anger that he hasn't processed.

None of it matters, though. Because "I am sober now" is such a powerful statement there's really no response to it. It's a powerful statement for me personally, too and I find it interesting that this nasty event in my life ended up making me count my blessings. Life is funny that way.
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