MovingForward1

Apologies for the negativity up front.

I’m done. My bottom went too far and I can’t climb out and I’m exhausted from trying.

I’ll start with this, I’m sober but only because I have no access to alcohol. No job, friends gave up on me due to my drinking and they’re not coming back, AA is waning in assistance due to my distant rural location, I’m difficult to get to. No job, no prospects. Home going into foreclosure. Utilities being turned off one by one. No transportation. This is ALL because of my drinking.

The only person I had left killed himself several weeks ago. Ironically he’s the one who called 911 the last time I was suicidal.

Public services have not worked out, demand is too high in my rural area and better spent on struggling families and children than a 40 something alcoholic, as it should be. No qualms with that.

I’ve been a terrible person, mother, wife, friend, dog owner, employee - for 20+ years. I have nothing to offer.

Thanks for reading and please, keep an eye out for people like me so as to do what you can to help before they hit my bottom. I had the help staring me in the face for a long time and just didn’t care until it was gone.
Such a waste.

Dee74

I'm sorry things are so bad for you still Movingforward.
Is moving out of the distant rural location you're in a possibility at all?

D

Ghostlight1

I'm sorry you're going through so much.
I've been through the same thing, too. If it weren't for friends letting me sleep on their couch, I would have been in the street.

I came out the other side. I prayed a lot and my prayers were answered. Sobriety.
It didn't happen over night, but with the help of AA it did happen. I was saved from myself.
No matter how low we have sank, there is hope. and I was a bad, low bottom drunk.
I really feel for you. I've been in the same situations myself.
I really hope you can pull out of this. I'll be thinking of you.

MovingForward1

Dee, I don’t see how. No income, no savings, no friends, shelters can’t take me in, the streets are the only option I could see if I could walk the 30 or so miles to get downtown and that seems like a stupid plan. Not that my current plan is intelligent.

I’ve found a stash of change. I will drink one last time and be done with the burden I’ve become. It’ll be a 12 mile walk but it’s the last one. I’m just trying to get what I can in order as I know my ex will have to handle some things afterwards.

It’s a sad state, I just don’t see an alternative. I’ve tried so hard and just can’t get ahead, or even caught up for that matter.

SR is a great tool for people who use it, as with every other opportunity for help I’ve had, I never let it help, never took advantage. Stupid, I know.

MovingForward1

Ghost light, thanks for reading and responding. I’m glad things are going well for you. I have no friends couch, not even a car to sleep in. Just my filthy home that I won’t have much longer. I’m trying to straighten what I can for the sake of my ex as he’ll have to manage some things here.

AA helped me get sober, and I’ve been sober for some time but it’s too little too late. It had become harder and harder to get rides to meetings. Regular questions about when I’d get a car which is impossible in my situation. At this point, sobriety doesn’t help with the 6 figure debt, job, income, depression, remorse. Sobriety just keeps me feeling all of it.

It’s my own fault, the world didn’t do this to me, I did. Then squandered every chance I had for help.

ScottFromWI

There is always hope moving.forward. You still have the ability to walk and talk, for example - and the ability to access the wealth of support available here. Many people lost even those things for a while and still came back.

Instead of piling on the self pity, do something with what you have. You mention that You’ve had support staring you in the face for years, and you still do. Start using it right now and you can change, I guarantee it.

Most importantly please call for help if you are having suicidal thoughts. 911 is a legitimate call to make.

MovingForward1

I’m not calling 911. Being locked in a bare room for 48 hours then released is not going to help. Because of my income in the past 12 months, free services are not available to me. The income is gone but too recent.

I know this is a selfish post, as my title states, I just wanted to get it out. I see no way out, just dragging out misery. Nothing on a web forum will pay my bills, go to court for me, get me a job, help with transportation, buy me food, etc. The compassion only goes so far in my cynical thinking. There are folks seeking assistance that will put it to good use, I didn’t when it could’ve mattered.

For a change I don’t see it as self pity, there are truly no solutions but to sit and rot as the rest of the utilities get turned off. I’ve eaten the last of my beans and noodles. I’m making plans as best I can for my dog. I’ll get things in order today and wait for nighttime.

FBL

MovingForward, I really feel the desperation in your post. I was feeling very alone and desperate and had frequent suicidal thoughts before I found lasting recovery. None of us are truly helpless. There's ALWAYS a solution, no matter how bad it looks. Please don't give up.

PLEASE get some help. NOW!!!

ScottFromWI

You need to call for urgent care or assistance. You are not thinking clearly. I'm not sure what else we can do to help at this point but please call someone. It's never as bad as it seems.

MovingForward1

What help? Locked up for 48 hours? Suicide prevention number that gives me rehab or psych places to call that can’t take me in? Aside from emotional internet support there is nothing to change my situation. It can only get worse.

I’m going to my supervised visitation then I’ll work on my letters.

I appreciate this space to speak my piece. I understand the negativity I brought and apologize.

Edit: Scott, I am thinking clearly and have been thinking it through for some time. I understand I’ve gone beyond forum help and don’t wish to waste anyone’s time any further.

Mods, please delete this post.

Anyone still drinking and reading this, accept help before it’s too late and your options disappear. It truly only gets worse if you continue to my level.

Awake61

My older sister was in your position, years ago. She committed suicide.
Her children, who she did not have custody of, suffered for years and still mourn her loss. They loved her unconditionally.

ScottFromWI

Help to protect you from yourself. Internet support is the only thing a lot of us have, and some here have made it back from far worse than you using only "internet support". I understand that you feel like there is no way out, but there is. Please speak with whomever will be supervising your visit and ask them to get you someplace that you can get help.

You are a mother for goodness sakes - if nothing else take some personal responsibility for that. You freely admit that you choose to not take advantage of the help you've been provided - why not get mad at your addiction as you seem to be at everyone else and do something about it. You get to choose your course in life.

Think about for a sec - you've got ample time and resources to sit here and argue about why you can't do anything - why not take that time and do something?

FBL

Just by posting, you've reached out for help. Even if they seem insurmountable, your current problems are truly only temporary. Suicide is NOT the answer. It's ultimately a VERY selfish act. I know, I've lost friends and family that way. Your life has tremendous value.

MovingForward1

Scott, I appreciate your words. But I’m not angry anymore and I’m not arguing. I’ve thought long and hard about my daughter. He’s taking her out of state soon and once my phone service is gone, my contact with her will be gone too.

I know you don’t believe me or think I’m trying to defend my position but there is no place for me to get help. A bare hospital room, i.e. no toilet, no books, no pencil and paper, no tv, no therapy, just a 48 hour hold is the ‘help’ I would get.

Opivotal

MovingForward, there is always hope. I know you don't feel that way right now. I'm not going to chastise you for your feelings. I'd rather spend this time offering suggestions that may help you.

Okay ... obviously, you have internet access. How about posting on ALL the church websites in your area? Explain your situation ... ask for food for yourself and your dog. Start a go fund me page, post on the AA sites, call the helplines. Keep busy reaching out ... someone will respond.

Hang on ... you can get through this.

Never give up.

MovingForward1

I know the selfishness in my post and actions. It’s no different than the selfish nature of my drinking in the past. I’m not a good person and this isn’t a good solution but I’ve driven myself to this point.
I’m not reaching out for help, just another selfish act of wanting to get this out there in such a way that I won’t be locked up.
Sorry, but it’s honest.

Opivotal

MovingForward ... you can get a free phone.

Check out this link.

Lifeline Phone Bill Assistance - Free Cell Phone

ScottFromWI

You wouldn't be here if you weren't reaching out for help - whether you realize it or not. You are not in a proper frame of mind to be caring for yourself and that's why you need someone who can. You have the power of choice to come here and type these words, which also means you have the power of choice to do something about it. So in a sense, you aren't being honest with yourself at all when you say there's nothing you can do. Please reach out locally like you are doing here.

FBL

Please reach out for help. Even a 48 hour hold could change your thinking. As long as you're breathing, there's hope.

MovingForward1

I have reached out locally, churches, assistance centers, financial centers, job assistance, federal funds, AA, unemployment.

I’m certain I could go on living, but I’m too tired of trying. My electric will be off soon then water, I’ll be sure my dog will be cared for but that’s all I have left in me. I’m only spending time posting to ride out the daylight hours and wait for night.

You all are wonderful, caring people. With an enormous desire and aptitude to help others see their way through sobriety and strife. In retrospect I should’ve listened and accepted help years ago.