Pathwaytofree

I went out with a few girlfriends for drinks & dinner. They still haven't figured out I'm not drinking anymore, which is crazy, since I've known them for a couple of years already. They headed straight for the bar when we all arrived. I was the only one who didn't have a drink. I was fine with it. They acted weird about it.

My friend had picked me up since my car is at the shop. She had told me she was just going to have one drink with dinner. She's been a heavy drinker since I've known her. She didn't just have one drink with dinner. She had one at the bar, two with dinner, and one after dinner. She holds her alcohol well because she drinks so much, but I'm sure her blood level was up there.

I had a really awful time. I was quiet. I just wasn't enjoying myself. They were all buzzed and just acting stupid.

The worst part was, when I ordered a non alcoholic drink, one of my friends made a rude loud "joke" to the waitress to slip in a little alcohol in there. The waitress joked back something like "that could be done". I had to sit there and wonder, "Should I run into the back and find her, and say 'you were just joking, right?'" It really wasn't funny to me. Also one of my friends kept offering me a "taste" of her drink.

And then there were the many selfies, most of them with their drinks and stupid comments.

They were all dressed up. I was under dressed, although neatly dressed. It didn't bother me, though, even though they were all looking at me like "odd ball out". It's ironic, since I used to be the one most dressed up. It just doesn't really interest me anymore.

They wanted to stay around late. I was tired, so I asked if we could go home. A few of them were a little annoyed, because they were busy flirting with the bartender who looked tired and like he wanted to go home, too.

I cried when I got home. My husband doesn't really understand, but I guess he's not supposed to.

I don't miss my drinking days, and I know they seemed "fun" in the moment, but I know that was just a facade and a big fat lie.

I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere socially anymore. I don't want to drink. I don't want to shop. I don't want to go out for 2 hour lunches or dinners.

This time, it wasn't about social anxiety. It was just plain discomfort.

I feel lost.

ScottFromWI

Yes, it's one of the hardest parts of moving to a sober lifestyle. I initially tried to hang with the same crowd just to prove that I could go the same places I did and not drink alcohol, but I found it not only boring, but that many of those people who were my "friends" were pretty obnoxious drunks and not really much fun to be around any more.

The good news is that the majority of people don't hang out in bars all night for "Fun". It takes time, but if you start exploring you will find a huge range of activities and people who do all sorts of things that have nothing to do with alcohol.

That's not to say it doesn't hurt at first though....relationships are relationships, even if they are bad ones.

least

For your 'friend' to joke about putting alcohol in your drink was reprehensible. That is not the attitude of a true friend. I hope you can find some new friends who truly are friends, and not drinking buddies. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Stayingsassy

I hear you, Path.

I have no answers. Ask mindful man, he's got it down. How old are you? My sober attempts were harder socially the younger I was (yeah I've been trying for awhile).

I've been avoiding. At least you went out and gave it a try. I'm still trying to figure out what variety of virus I'm going to tell my high school friends I have, the night of my reunion in august. I just don't know how to do it, frankly and now that I've avoided so long it makes me almost phobic.

So I say keep trying. Maybe a movie or coffee next time so it's a little less drink related. Although my favorite buddies never let something that wasn't drink related get in the way of drinking....

Anyway we all do understand.

MindfulMan

Just reading this thread and heard my name...

I pretty much do what I always did. Most of my friends are old friends who still drink. I can hang, but it's all out in the open. The friends who I used to drink with seriously were very supportive when I was in rehab, one came every Sunday for visiting day. They understand that I need to take my own car as I may have to bail.

Many of that group of friends are on serious weight watchers and have lost a ton of weight...so they won't have more than two glasses of wine in a long evening. (You know they're "normies" if something as minor as "calories" would get in the way of a night of serious drinking. Thank God). So the parties are far less drunken than they used to be. Lots of food and political arguing in a fun way. They are drinkers, but they are also thinkers.

I also have a group of friends in their early to mid 30s. They are all part of the Coachella Party Posse, and we had an annual tradition of 3 days of music, fun, love, and mountains of drugs. I remember being asked "Which drugs do we do today?" and my response was something along the lines of why does this have to be an either/or question. Anyway...they've all had babies. They're not sober, but their focus is on other things, and certainly not getting high or drunk. I love hanging out with them and end up playing a lot with the kids. Funny thing is....when I was drinking, kids didn't like me much. Now they all LOVE me. I'm like the cool gay uncle. They all were there for my birthday over the 4th of July weekend. One is a boy, just shy of two. Another is a girl who's about 15 months, and the last a girl who's about 8 months. I'm on the floor the whole night with trucks and stuffed animals and books, ignoring the parents. I really am a big kid. Again...without alcohol. Also the parents like having non-drunk Uncle around for the kids.

I have a sober group from rehab, some from inpatient and some from outpatient. We're also all live music freaks.

An evening such as you've described sounds painful. Drunk people (or worse, people on coke) when you're not are horrible. I used to drink defensively when I lived with another alcoholic...followed him into alcoholism, fortunately didn't follow him to an early grave, he died at 49 from booze. If the focus of the evening is alcohol and drinking, I don't go, but fortunately most of my friends aren't in that place anymore. I've left my old job and there are some work friends from there that I used to drink heavily with, I haven't seen them.

Not all of your friends are drinkers like that, and if they are, make some new ones. Tell people you've stopped drinking. If it's awkward and they don't want to hang...well then, not people you should be around anyway.

Maudcat

Hi, Pathway.
Very sorry. It sounds like a pretty awful night.
You are not alone.
How about trying some new things?
Maybe join a hiking group, or pursue something you really like doing?
Learn to kayak, knit, volunteer somewhere?
We moved a lot when we were a younger couple, and I found that a good way to learn about the area and meet new people was to volunteer somewhere.
I was a docent at a zoo (very fun), worked at a nature center ( not as fun as you might think) and currently I volunteer at an environmental stewardship organization dedicated to protecting our local waterways.
I think it’s time to make new friends, yah?

Atlast9999

Pathway,

That sounds like a horrible night. It sounds like your drinking buddies haven’t accepted your decision to not drink. If you want to hang out with them in the future, is there any way for you to arrange your own transportation? Ride from hubby? Uber? Lyft? Taxi? Something?

All that money you save from not drinking can go to pay for transportation and you have a built in escape plan. I have made transportation the focus of my escape plan and insist on driving (or Uber, lyft) wherever I go so that I am in charge and not at the mercy of my drunk friends.

Pathwaytofree

I'm having that same experience, Scott. I guess I needed to see it front and center. Reading your post makes me see that although they looked like they were having fun, and I was the bore, that perhaps I was the normal one, and they were just obnoxious and embarrassing.

I think I am afraid that I will never make new friends. I don't mind doing things by myself in the least. But I do hope I will be able to make friendships with women who do similar stuff to the sober me.

I think that's what I'm going through. I know I need to let these friendships go for my betterment, but it's still a loss.

Pathwaytofree

Thank you so much Least. This response was so extremely validating. And the way she said it wasn't a nudge, nudge, just kidding. She meant it. It was her way of saying, "PTF used to be so much more fun when she drank" and "I need PTF to drink so *I* feel comfortable about my drinking."

Pathwaytofree

Thanks Stayingsassy. It helps to hear I'm not the only one who's experienced this.

Thanks for mentioning MM. He posted a great reply.

I'm old enough to know better.

I hear you. I've just not wanted to socialize much since being sober. In a way, it's been a good thing because I'm finding myself. But I'd like to move on and rebuild a social life of some sort.

I don't do reunions. I'm very different than when I was in high school. And I just would rather not be around people who I was never friends with in the first place, or who I was friends with back then but don't really have anything in common now.

I will. Thank you for that push. I would enjoy movies and coffee much more than a long pricey lunch or dinner at a bar/restaurant with drinkers.

These particular friends seem to always revolve social activities around drinking. I do not feel that I am being judgemental, either. I just feel that this is making me uncomfortable, and not because I can't be around alcohol anymore. But because my focus is no longer on socializing with alcohol.

Thank you. It's so nice to feel like I'm not alone in these recovery experiences and growth.

Anna

I know my experience in early recovery was that there were some painful moments. I realized that a couple of friends and also a family member were toxic to me. So, I stepped away and it was the best thing I could have done. A completely unexpected gift was, when I removed these three women, two wonderful women appeared in my life, as if by magic. They both became mentors and dear friends.

MyLittleHorsie

It sound tough Path and I honestly have no advice. My friends didn't know me to drink to excess, so it hasn't been too bad to go out and be around them. However we are having our first party here since moving in and building the barn, it is a kids party and one of the moms has known me well for over a decade and i don't think she knows i quit. I figure a simple I quit if it comes up will suffice.

I did an weekend away recently with the horse crowd and they are big drinkers, I don't think anyone noticed I wasn't drinking. I didn't have it in the trailer, we have living quarters in our trailers, so we all stay on site. People dropped by to shoot the breeze I just offered coffee or tea.

skyfullofstars

The realisation that the people I drank with were not real friends, in fact I doubt they would pee on me if I was on fire now I am sober, was a very, very bitter pill to swallow.

I am very lucky that I have other friends who hardly drink now and they are not the type to pressure anyone to drink. I feel bad that I kind of abandoned them when the drink took over because I was embarrassed by how much I drank compared to them. Like, they would enjoy a beer or glass of wine with dinner while I got so wasted I couldn't even remember my own name.

I'm sorry your evening was so rubbish, Pathway. It is just a fact of life that people drift apart and outgrow each other. You focus on yourself and your recovery. If anyone risks dragging you back to drinking then they need to gracefully be let go.

You will thank yourself later in time

NYCDoglvr

If you want to stay sober, be prepared to give up drinking buddies. This is a life or death proposition and it's too stressful to be upset around drunks. Go to meetings, get new friends.

Pathwaytofree

That's a good point. This is probably true for a lot of us.

I really hope I will someday find local friends like that. I am pissed at myself that I didn't have more self-respect to get up quietly from that table, excuse myself, and go home after the way they pressured me to drink. They fact that they wanted me to drink for themselves is really selfish.

I'm sure they didn't take it personally. They probably knew what the reason was. I have three acquaintenances who only made plans with me a couple of times. Once they saw that I wasn't a drinker, they stopped inviting me out with them, or answering my invites. At first I took it personally and was hurt & sad. But now I see that they don't want to look at their drinking, and I remind them of that. They're more comfortable with hanging out with people who drink like them.

It's so strange how much I've changed. I guess that was an issue, too. The way they were behaving was exactly how I used to behave. I think it was really hard for me to see my old self in their actions.

My head knows this, my heart doesn't know it yet. But I know the more authentic I am, the more content I am.

Pathwaytofree

Yes I will definitely do this in future. I will drive myself or take another way home.

The worst part of this, was that I was very tired by the time I got dropped back off at my car, but it wasn't even really that late. I think I was just emotionally drained from having a bad evening--and worrying about whether there was alcohol in my drink--even though I was extremely calm during it all. I was speeding and I didn't know I was speeding. I didn't know what the speed limit was where I was driving. I got pulled over and the police officer was extremely harsh, and I don't do well with authority figures. I started crying and was just really upset. It all hit me right then and there. I got a ticket and I was just a mess for the rest of the drive home.

That is a fantastic idea.

Pathwaytofree

That's a great idea. I should look into meetup.com

That is such a cool way to meet new people. It must be really fulfilling to do that sort of volunteer work. Were the people you met your age? I met some people at church but they are all much older than me. I'm sure I'll meet people once I get my dog certified as a therapy dog, but I don't know if they'd be my age, or if that'd even be a good way to meet people as new friends.

I also find that when you meet new people who revolve their social life around drinking, they don't want to hang out with you if you don't drink.

I have another couple of friends who are into long lunches followed by shopping, but I am not the type of woman to do leisurely lunches and shopping just for the fun of it.

Maybe now that I'm slowly getting back into working out, I will be able to find new friends that way. Unless I meet the type of people who workout to burn the calories from all their drinking.....

lessgravity

Poignant and moving post. I chalk it up to growing up, no matter what age we are. And it's hard to do.

Thank you for the post.

skyfullofstars

Pathway; what you said about having the self respect to gracefully walk away with dignity really struck a chord with me.

It has finally clicked with me that I am going to do that from now on. All my life I have either sat there and taken it or if I was hammered I would create a huge scene which just made me look like an unhinged pisshead. Not very dignified at all!

It is a good life lesson we all tend to learn the hard way. Next time we are in a situation like that we will politely excuse ourselves and get the hell out of there. Our self respect grows every day we stay sober and we are slowly but surely maturing when some poor people never do

Pathwaytofree

Your reply made me teary eyed.

I wish I could've grown up like this decades ago, but I'll take it now. Growth is bitter sweet, but it's so worth the growing pains.