Jackierab

Hello everyone, I am just beginning my journey to recovery and I wanted to ask how becoming sober effected all of your personal relationships? I realized yesterday that the majority of my friendships were made while intoxicated. All events, lunch dates, conversations, etc were all done while I was intoxicated. Im only 23, I've been drinking for 10 years and I'm not sure who I am without drinking. So my question in you all's experience were there friendships/relationships you had to let go of after becoming sober?

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR Jackierab. I understand exactly what you are asking, I asked the very same thing myself before I quit. I also stared drinking at an early age - around 13 or 14, but I didn't quit until I was in my 40's - so you've got a BIG head start on me ;-).

It didn't take long to find out that many of my "Friends" were really just drinking buddies. Once alcohol was out of the equation, we had nothing in common anymore. So yes, I had to end some of those relationships. But I can tell you that the people I have met and the relationships I've made since I quit are far more meaningful and long-lasting. It definitely takes some time, but you'll soon find the the majority of people don't focus on activities that involve drinking alcohol.

fini

it's not so much that i HAD to drop some relationships but that i CHOSE to . after i was sober a bit, the dissatisfactory and screwy -ness of some relationships became more apparent

welcome, Jackierab!

WaterOx

I hope to hear some insight into this.
I find this one of the more challenging issues when it comes to the quit. It's the socializing with friends that is the ultimate trigger.

I find myself avoiding some of my friends more than I used to and I know it's because I fear relapse in their presence.

Berrybean

It was quite interesting (if at times disappointing) to realise who my real friends were, and who were just drinking buddies. I'd say 90%of the people I drank and partied with I didn't really have much to do with once sober. Others, although they drank with me, were not problem drinkers themselves. They were, I think, quietly relieved that I was sorting myself out, and were happy to go along with different, sober plans for meetups and days out. Others, people who I'd thought of as best pals, turned out to just be drinking friends, and weren't interested in sober dates, or would agree to it and then try to sabotage my sobriety. I thought this was happening at the time and wondered if I was being paranoid, but one told me about the sabotage attemots when I hit 6 months sober and she realised I was serious about this quit.

I was another one who didn't know who I was, socially, sober. I started at 13 and carried on to my 40s.

Turned out though that like most people in recovery, the relationships that I was going to have in sobriety would be so much better quality that I wasn't going to miss those old drinking buddies for long. I've mended my relationships with my mum and brother as well. And I've made lits of new friends in AA and at new activities that I wouldn't have got involved in if I was still drinking. I also reconnected with some old school friends who'd been very close until I started drinking and I became a pain in the proverbials.

BB

PeacefulWater12

I found my choice of friends changed over time.

Interests in life change. I think is part of our growth. We meet new people who we relate to better as time goes on.

Gottalife

Welcome Jackierab.

I got sober when I was 22 years old. Alcohol had destroyed all relationships. Recovery, utilising the 12 steps of AA enabled me to restore all worthwhile relatonships and have a whole lot of new ones in sobriety.

August252015

Welcome!

This is a big thing for a lot of people. I had largely isolated by the end, so I didn't even engage much with drinking (read, often enabling) friends.

There were three categories for me: friends who hadn't know how deep the problem was so we almost had a clean slate; friends and fam who knew or pretty much "knew all" who were thrilled to see me start and keep on my recovery journey; new friends I have chosen since.

I often use this to describe my approach to relationships: I only give a seat at my table to those trying to live their own best lives, alcoholics or not. I just don't spend time or emotion on other kinds of people - the negative, the wallowing, the .... [still wanting to sabotage their lives by drinking]... There are even a few people to whom I have NOT made amends because I do not want to open the door for them to come back into my life.

Like others said, figuring out what I like and don't has made it fairly clear whom to approach or try to reconnect with - and if I am rigorously honest, who would be bad for me. I can't afford to go that route bc recovery is a life and death matter for me.

Take care of you, then bring others into your life. There were a few people who were glad to know I quit drinking but didn't have a place for me in their [own, healthy] lives anymore, and I had to accept that. There are plenty of good, positive folks out there to make up a strong network, if we seek that out.

NYCDoglvr

What I learned is I cannot stay sober if I associate with people I drank with. I couldn't go to bars because doing so triggered a craving for a drink. A few good friends were non-alcoholics; in AA I met lots of people.

MindfulMan

I went through a LONG period of extreme partying and drinking in my 40s. The four of us at the core of this time were all alcoholics. One is dead, two (including myself) are sober, and one is a father and has gone to more normie drinking (he was always more of a stoner). I still see him and his wife and gorgeous baby!

Another group was known as the "Liquor Locusts" because we would descend on a party and drink all of the alcohol...then search for the next party. Nearly all of this group has become more normie drinkers. Two are still in active addiction. I will be seeing them for movie/dinner/fireworks today, I have a great deal in common with many of them other than alcohol, and they were all HUGELY supportive of my sobriety, visiting me every Sunday in rehab. When they have get togethers there is a fair amount of wine consumed. That was a big part of our friendship, and I was a leader of that pack, even getting certified as a somm. I will still attend, but don't stay very late, mostly because I get bored as people get drunker and I don't. It's SO nice to know that I can drive home without getting a DUI or hurting myself or others in a car wreck.

The people in my life who were primarily drinking buddies have changed their relationship to alcohol. Since I pretty much took drinking off the table, my social life hasn't changed all that much, as I can be around alcohol and other drugs and have little to no desire to actually drink it. If a situation turns into a drinking fest, I'll leave...out of boredom, and not feel like I'm missing out on anything.

This works for me. It absolutely does NOT work for everyone. I find that being brutally honest with myself about my complete lack of control once I have that first drink pretty much negated the desire to HAVE that first drink. Now it's just habit. I'm 14 months sober next week and it's worked so far. I cut myself off from all activities where alcohol would be consumed in early sobriety and I gradually reintroduced such activities into my life, with the express understanding that I would not myself indulge. I also had backup plans in place and sober friends at the ready in case I couldn't handle the situation. I also learned a ton of useful techniques in outpatient rehab for dealing with cravings.

I love my sober life so much that drinking isn't really an issue or a temptation. If that ever changes, I would immediately stop any activities pointing me in that direction and start doing 12 Step meetings again. I've gone wine tasting with friends as the sober designated driver, attended Coachella sober, and go out regularly with a friend who was a fellow wine tasting friend that I've known for years. Not a twinge. I am no longer a drinker, cannot ever have "just that one drink," really wouldn't enjoy "just that one drink" all that much TBPO, and realize that "just that one drink" would almost definitely lead me right back to detox, inpatient rehab, and have to go through getting sober again.

I'm not saying my way is the right way. Far from it. Just giving my experience. I'm more of a Rational Recovery person, I guess, and it's working for me. EVERYONE has to do whatever works for them and whatever it takes to stay sober.

Lpg

Hey welcome

I'm still learning which relationships will work with my soberity, I too was only 13 when I first experimented with alcohol so my whole social life revolved around this. Its interestimg as I'm now finding out who my truest friendships are with and I'm actually creating stronger more meaningful relationships with these friends. Others have distanced them self's and tbh it's suiting me that way, anyone who doesn't understand it possibly isn't worth explaining too. My family relationships are also alot stronger as I don't have to distance myself from people I love nowadays because of my behaviour. I'm 27 now and celebrated my 27th birthday sober. Wishing you well stick around here.

Lpg

NYCDoglvr

During the first years I asked my friends to not bring alcohol to the apartment. Since they were non-alcoholics it wasn't a problem. Later I didn't have a problem when they brought a few beers or wine. I've gone to plenty of restaurants where alcohol is served and don't mind others having a drink or two.

Lpg

I have to say my friends do still bring alcohol to come round but its much more tame if I have anything on at my place (my neighbours must notice the difference)
I do feel uncomfortable with this at times but I figure I'm going to have to learn to be around it, I can't control what others do I just have to be strong enough to know its not for me anymore. I always have a cut off time too and tbh my friends are sensible, I do t know how they ever put up with me.

MissPerfumado

Even when drinking, all my friends were friends because I liked them. So I didn't break any friendships. When I see the buddies I used to drink with, it might be in a boozy setting (one couple recently celebrated their marriage in a brewery). But that's fine with me. I go now to see my friends and socialise, not to drink. The friendships are in essence the same.

Family relationships are same if not better than they were before. My family members actually now drink less, partly because I quit.

There's one exception. I let go of one romantic relationship because it was not healthy. I quit that at exactly the same time I got sober. A double detox. He drank regularly (a daily drinker but apparently not a problem one). I don't think we would have lasted once I cleaned up. I would not date someone who drinks a lot - we just wouldn't be compatible.

SoberCAH

I still like my former best friend, who was also my best drinking buddy.

I certainly spent more time with him than with my first wife.

I have been saving a seat for him in the 12 step rooms for way too long, now.

He looks horrible and much, much older than me.

He's a good man, but the alcohol has taken him down awfully far, just not far enough from his perspective.

The rest of the folks I drank with i almost never see these days.

They don't represent the kind of people who interest me anymore.

Very good topic, Jackie.

And we're very delighted you're here with us and we hope you stick around.