Stayingsassy

sounds like most of you did have an awakening. I don't mean the "I'm never drinking again" after a hangover or a bad bender, I don't even mean the attempts to convince yourself weeks or months into a quit, the "why am I wanting a drink, I wish I didn't want it, I quit drinking, I cant, I don't want these thoughts.."

I mean that deep, soul shaking, bricks in the gut, body mind and soul knowing. After that there doesn't seem to be craving, or negotiation, or wavering or ambiguity. sobriety just IS.

There is still pain and loneliness and difficult times but there is no mental anguish and no "wondering"about "whether to drink again" or "hoping" or "trying." The language changes.

so many of you have experienced this and I didn't expect that when I posed the question. I'm clearly not the only one. I'm thinking about whether this is the turning point that has to happen. I've never experienced that feeling before. I've been to rehab and quit many, many times but this kind of knowing wasn't there before.

MissPerfumado

Sassy, this a really good thread you've started, this uncovering - plus all these examples - of the "in-the-bones" knowing as a platform for lasting sobriety. I'd thought about previously but could never put my finger on.

I think AA refers to this as a spiritual experience ... I don't know precisely as I'm not an AA person. But I always connected to that part of the AA literature for this reason, that I could identify the moment when it all clicked for me and it felt imparted by something higher.

Stayingsassy

thanks missperfume. funny I could always relate to the spiritual awakening also. Something so profound happened to me on the day I quit that I can't describe it. It was like a divine act. Like some great force came in to my body and simply said, "that's enough." But not in a language, just in a knowing.

I think both AA and avrt both strive to instill that very thing in people. that belief that it's over. It occurred to me today that it matters not If other people don't believe in my sobriety, but my belief in my sobriety is everything.

I'm not a religious person, but my belief that I will remain sober is the closest thing to faith I've ever had.

JeffreyAK

I felt that sense of knowing too, the day I quit. I had been drunk for 3 weeks straight, my wife had left me and was visiting just after Christmas and telling me it was quit or we're done, I was a physical wreck and hadn't showered or shaved in those 3 weeks, it was really a horrible place and even through the alcohol haze I was disgusted with myself. I had woken up from brief sleep after drinking my last beers, and I was at the point of either going to the store for more - and watching my wife leave for probably the last time, and with her my only remaining support - or not going to the store and going through what I knew would be the mother of all detoxes. I just kinda gave up the battle right then and there, and I knew that was the turning point. I don't understand it, why then and not 3 weeks before, or 3 years before, but my gut feeling at that moment was, this is it, and I'm making a choice right now between life and death. I chose life, and that last beer really was my last, coming up on 8 years ago.

waynetheking

That morning of Feb 22 2013 I woke up and knew I would never want to drink again. For me my higher power granted me my life back. I just felt it. It was such a relief. I knew I would have to do many things to ensure my daily sobriety. But the sickness was gone. The fear was gone. God and sobriety was "thrown" into me somehow. That morning, I just knew. A freaking miracle SS. I have no other way to describe it.

Stayingsassy

Yes, mine felt like a miracle too.

I find the responses here fascinating.

I've often felt a sort of possession when I was under the influence, a sense that I was chemically soaked but also that I was no longer holding the reigns, that someone or something else was. That darkness when it starts to leave the body is unlike anything else either, it's a kind of despair that has no equal. The 3 am horrors. Alcoholism is a horror show.

And being free, but also knowing you are free, is a cleansing of all of it but also, hard to describe. The flip side of the darkness, only light and relief and hope.

It was new to me.

Mac4711

It started when I got the call that a good friend of mine has just died in a pub - from a stroke, while pouring himself a drink.
Then a few days later, after a beer bender, I had yet another gout attack: Limping around, I finally came to the conclusion that this was no way to live.
Fast forward 11 months, everything has changed: I am making amends and rekindling lost relationships, my career has done a 180, my health has soared and just recently I passed the final exam: I attended a weeding back home, in our culture steeped in alcohol, and kept my resolve, despite dozens of invites to join in on beer, wine, and spirits.
For me it wasn’t so much an ‘aha’ moment, but more an evolution. I started to understand what drinking had done to my life, how it was undermining me, and how much better I was off without it. Looking back I’ve missed countless opportunies, but no regrets, what’s done is done. There’s only one way, and it is forward, working every day on becoming a better man.

Oh, and while I’m at it: Thank you all for being my brothers and sisters in this fight, you guys and gals here on SR!

Culture

I can't even put into words what happened to me, it didn't when I first got sober but about the 2 month point, up until then I was still struggling daily.
But it was as simple as asking God/Higher power for help and as AA suggests, turning my will over to him and just really a simple act of faith and belief.
I haven't had a day since, where I even remotely struggle with the idea of drinking, it really is like the desire has been completely removed.
Believe me when I was a drunk, I was so arrogant and cynical about everything, that if you had told me this could happen I would have laughed in your face.
When I gave up fighting everything and just let go my life changed.
As I said before, it is really hard to put into words but anyone who has experienced this will know exactly what I am saying (probably very badly).
I don't go to AA but the steps make perfect sense now.

Stayingsassy

I haven't mentioned this but a big part of my daily mental reinforcement is how I am different than others who drink. I always knew that, but I didn't internalize that fully. since my very last bender it somehow all came together how dark it always was for me and how the first part is such a lie. I now have written into my code that every first drink leads to disaster. Every time, every one. Believing that deeply means that there is no romance. there's no fantasy, only darkness.

Yes others will drink. Others will enjoy. And many of them will not wake at 3am with their entire body shaking and sweating and believing it's the end. They will have their glass at dinner and they are fine.

I am different. It's part of what makes me uniquely me, my inability to drink.

Returning to drinking is in a way, deciding you can drink like everyone else, deciding its normal to drink heavy, deluding yourself and lying to yourself about your alcoholism.

Because logically, if you have internalized the word "alcoholic," drinking fails to make any sense ever. The only logical alcoholic is a sober one. anyone anywhere would say that If they found themselves to be alcoholic, their first wish would be sobriety.

Failure to accept is big. It's in AA: good old step one! I know there are avrt people who don't follow the disease concept but I couldn't follow the concepts of avrt if I did not accept step one body mind and soul. Because if I wasn't different, if alcohol wasn't something my body couldn't handle, I could return to drinking at any time.

Wholesome

I felt it in my gut, my bones, my soul, 16 months ago when I quit for the last time. I just decided, no more fu*king around about it, it had to be over, for good. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally sick. I couldn't do it anymore. It was costing me the things I valued most, my family, my health, my peace of mind.

It felt good to finally give up the struggle to control it and surrender to the fact that I needed to quit - not take a break, not cut down, not ODAAT - but forever. It was leaving the door open that always allowed my mind to twist my own logic and reasoning and emotions against me to lead me back to picking up again. Every single day since I made that life changing decision to quit, I feel that freeing grateful good feeling inside that I finally did this. I did it! It makes me feel like dancing. YES! I finally did it!

It was scary because I hadn't lived without using some form of mind altering substances since I was 14, I was walking into the unknown. I literally didn't know who I was without being a user, it was part of my identity. But I decided to let myself be excited about finding out who I was without substances and the party life defining me. And it turns out that I didn't know what I was missing! Life is way better without all that sh*t dragging me down. I have all kinds of things that I'm into, and I go on adventures now. Life is far from the boring colorless existence that my AV used to tell me it would be.

It also feels really good to have peace of mind. I never had that when I was using. My mind was always in turmoil, either obsessing about my next high/drunk, or lamenting about what a loser I thought I was because of my bad behaviour and regrets over what I'd done and how I needed to quit. All that is gone and I can focus on getting on with my life. Pour my energy into my family or self improvements or hobbies or whatever... doesn't matter what. It's just great to have my head space back.

I also decided that it didn't matter who's feathers I ruffled or who I lost along the way. The people in my life could either get on board or jump ship, but I was going full steam ahead with or without them. I lost a few, I've gained a few, and all my relationships have changed. But that's life, the one guarantee is that nothing will stay the same, everything is always changing and evolving.

The one thing I am 100% certain of is that I'm never going back to it! I used to be an addict and an alcoholic, but I'm not anymore. I freed myself. Onward!