ttamelbon

Hi Everybody,

I hope it's not an abuse of anybody's attention to use this forum in this manner, but I want to plant a flag here and say that I'm quitting drinking again.

Some of you might know me for my old PAWS posts. My symptoms were rather unique and long-lasting. By the time I picked up a drink again, my physical symptoms had waned quite a bit but had been replaced with bouts of depression.

I was clean for almost three years, and felt that I wanted to incorporate social drinking back into my life. Smart, right? So I drew myself some parameters: no more than two drinks and never two nights in a row. I got pretty playful with the definition of two drinks. Technically, a 650ml of beer is *a* drink. Even if it was 8%. I did that a lot. One of my less glorious moments was drinking a beer in a public washroom while my wife and kids waited in the car for a table at the restaurant to open up. But it was rarely like that, to be honest. I'd have six or seven drinks, often less but never more. Until I got hammered one night at my in-laws. I must've had at least 15 drinks. I promised my eight-year-old son that I was done for good.

I'd had PAWS all during this six-month period of "social drinking", but not as bad as before. Also, the depression went away, but the more physical symptoms reappeared.

After that one big night, I quit for almost two months. After a two-week bout of PAWS that included a no-reason fever of 38.7C for two hours (no sickness) after two bouts of zero-emotion crying, sleep disturbances, stomach in knots, mania, and a host of others, I told myself that PAWS would never go away so I might as well enjoy myself.

So I sit here on Father's Day having betrayed my son, hungover, and feeling like a dirtbag. Back again, counting days. I could'nt break his heart to tell him. I'm not avoiding it for my sake at all, but a child deserves the security and stability of a father who can keep his word, or at least the appearance of it. That's what this post is for. I won't do it again, my guy. I'm so sorry.

Day one.

fini

ttamelbon,
you have learned something useful, seems to me, about your condition.
so that is a goid place to go forward from.
so put your energy into finding your way forward from here.
way to go on returning and starting!

Dee74

Welcome back ttamelbon

D

Stayingsassy

Most of us have made a fair shot at moderation. It's one of the steps that leads people to sobriety. I have known for years and years that I can't stick to two, and I also knew I was an alcoholic returning to drinking so I did "drinking days" and "nondrinking days" during my last attempt. The terrifying descents into that black hole on drinking days are hard to put into words.

It's ok. sometimes you have another moderation experiment that needs to be done. You know now. Welcome again to day one.

See your doctor. If your psych problems are running you ragged because of sobriety that's really not worth it, it's not quality of life. Many here use antidepressants or anxiety meds If they are needed. that's ok too.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back ttamelbon. Glad you've decided to come back and make another attempt at sobriety.

I have to ask - did you speak with a mental health professional at any time during your last sober period? You mention depression and a lot of what you speak of could be related to anxiety as well. "PAWS" is not a diagnosable condition from either a mental or physical standpoint, but many of the symptoms that "PAWS" can encompass ( which is just about anything really ) do have treatable causes.

I wish you a happy fathers day and the courage to make some major change in your life.

ttamelbon

Thanks for anybody showing concern. For my job, I require yearly physicals and have had a psych eval. I've been to the hospital when these symptoms occur, and I'm given a clean bill of health. Squeaky clean, in fact.

My depression is self-limiting and goes away with even moderate alcohol consumption. It seems to be a symptom of prolonged cessation. I imagine I will need at least six months out for it to act up again.

All of my symptoms (except for depression) decline with prolonged abstinence. As an empiricist, I've put two and two together: no diagnosis of any illness + symptoms decline with abstinence = PAWS.

I was foolish for not putting it in the OP. I should've known better.

Cheers

Obladi

ttamelbon,

I'm glad you're back.

You're right to not say anything to your son - he is too young to bear the burden of your confession and new promise.

I agree with Scott that there may be something else going on with you. Your calculations are no doubt true, but there may be a factor missing. I'd encourage you to seek out a psychiatrist/therapist team who specialize in substance abuse. My team has been amazingly helpful - and understanding. Medication may benefit you, even if you only want to take it on a short-term basis.

Happy Father's Day and congratulations on your decision to be there for your son.

O

ScottFromWI

That's certainly a very logical though process, but I would recommend you get a second opinion. Depression is a very treatable condition and all of the things you describe could also be a result of that, or anxiety, or a whole host of other things. PAWS is merely a term that was coined by an individual, not a medical or psychological diagnosis.

Certainly the concept of PAWS seems to make sense, and there are certainly recovering addicts that are prone to many of the possible symptoms. But to just resign yourself to the idea that you are feeling bad because you have "PAWS" and can do nothing about it is selling yourself short.

trachemys

Flag planted like a conqueror.

doggonecarl

As an alcoholic, I put it together differently:

drinking x kindling = plain old withdrawals

D122y

Tt,

Ime....might be closer to yours than I care to admit, exercise is key. My PAWS is present still, but I call it getting used to normal. When I feel messed up, it.s PAWS. To me, PAWS is brain damage that may never fully go away.

You had 3 years of sobriety w increased depression. I have technically ever only made it 14 months or so before a snort of the mind destroying stuff.

I don't feel depressed, but I do obsess. But, not like a year ago etc. I have healed a bit better because of my exercise.

My wife was at the point of ignoring me when I was drunk. My son was not really catching on yet, but that was a freight train coming. My work life has been damaged.

Physically and mentally are my biggest improvements. Mentally I was having many problems that have all but disappeared.

I can totally relate that booze has a medicinal effect for you, but I would find a new drug.

Considering you wrote this post with a hangover, I can only pray you continue on a clean path for the rest of your days.

Your experience further cements my belief that folks...always....regret relapse.

Thanks.