Planning to drink, but I don't want to???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 40
Planning to drink, but I don't want to???
Long time lurker, but I need to do more. Lately it seems as though I periodically forget why I started reading here and trying to quit in the first place. I'm struggling today, I want to ask for help from this community which I admire so much.
I don't think that I really want to drink, but I just checked online to see if the liquor stores in my area are open today for Memorial Day.
I was sober for 1.5 years late 2014 - mid 2015.
It was difficult, but I did it and was happy about it.
Unfortunately I thought that the lessening of the struggle meant I had regained the power to moderate/enjoy my drinking again.
I now truly believe that the concept of moderation is not possible for me.
Since then, I've been able to stay sober 3 - 6 weeks at a time.
Then I get to the "well, one night of drinking a few won't be so bad" stage.
No matter how much I know in my brain that it's not fun anymore, I still feel like I want to drink today.
When my kids are home with me, I can resist the urge to drink because I can see how much it hurts them when I do. I didn't drink yesterday, because they are home with me.
But they are going to their Dad's tonight, and no matter how much I play the tape through, I still feel like I want to drink tonight
I would never touch a burning stove, and I would never step into a fire pit. Know why? Because I know it would hurt a LOT.
I know in my head that when I drink, it hurts a LOT - physically and mentally.
So why am I having such a hard time convincing myself not to pick up a six pack this afternoon after the kids leave?
I feel so frustrated
Edit: I just wanted to quickly add that I'm going for a walk right now. Walking will curb my cravings for now, but I'm afraid that later my brain will go into the stubborn, non-negotiable "I want to drink" mode again
I don't think that I really want to drink, but I just checked online to see if the liquor stores in my area are open today for Memorial Day.
I was sober for 1.5 years late 2014 - mid 2015.
It was difficult, but I did it and was happy about it.
Unfortunately I thought that the lessening of the struggle meant I had regained the power to moderate/enjoy my drinking again.
I now truly believe that the concept of moderation is not possible for me.
Since then, I've been able to stay sober 3 - 6 weeks at a time.
Then I get to the "well, one night of drinking a few won't be so bad" stage.
No matter how much I know in my brain that it's not fun anymore, I still feel like I want to drink today.
When my kids are home with me, I can resist the urge to drink because I can see how much it hurts them when I do. I didn't drink yesterday, because they are home with me.
But they are going to their Dad's tonight, and no matter how much I play the tape through, I still feel like I want to drink tonight
I would never touch a burning stove, and I would never step into a fire pit. Know why? Because I know it would hurt a LOT.
I know in my head that when I drink, it hurts a LOT - physically and mentally.
So why am I having such a hard time convincing myself not to pick up a six pack this afternoon after the kids leave?
I feel so frustrated
Edit: I just wanted to quickly add that I'm going for a walk right now. Walking will curb my cravings for now, but I'm afraid that later my brain will go into the stubborn, non-negotiable "I want to drink" mode again
Last edited by mnjen; 05-28-2018 at 07:40 AM. Reason: add comment
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 980
I understand EXACTLY how you feel! Sometimes I can play the tape all the way through from when I had awful hangovers, awful “bottoms”. Other times I can play the tape through when I woke up the next am and it was fine. I too am home alone today. My 2 are working and then going to a friends house. It would be easy to do or “get away with”. But I won’t.
Instead can you get house work done, work in the yard, catch up on laundry? I plan to do just that and then tonight when I’m exhausted and sweaty I’ll take a cold shower (90+ degrees here today!) and I’ve already planned a healthy dinner and will binge on netflix.
Also, remember if you open the door to cravings, your beast will slam it open and invade who you are again. It will make the cravings THAT much stronger for THAT much longer. Great job posting and you’re not alone.
Instead can you get house work done, work in the yard, catch up on laundry? I plan to do just that and then tonight when I’m exhausted and sweaty I’ll take a cold shower (90+ degrees here today!) and I’ve already planned a healthy dinner and will binge on netflix.
Also, remember if you open the door to cravings, your beast will slam it open and invade who you are again. It will make the cravings THAT much stronger for THAT much longer. Great job posting and you’re not alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 980
Another thing you could do is pop some popcorn and binge on alcoholic you tube video’s. Lots of Ted Talks, Rain in My Heart is good as is Pleasure Unwoven. It keeps the NEGATIVE side or outcome of alcohol present in my mind anyway. For me if I have a plan that helps. If I don’t, and my AV jumps in and takes over, that’s all she wrote.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by mnjen 
I just checked online to see if the liquor stores in my area are open today for Memorial Day.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
mnjen,
how great you have come to realize you need more than what you've been doing!
dealing with immediate urges is one thing, and you have gotten some suggestions for that.
but there is a bigger picture also, and that is where people will suggest a plan , or a program, or a method....a way forward that does more than leave you lurching from urge resisting to urge resisting with collapse in between.
you've been here, reading. you've seen what others are doing and how it'wss working out. what makes sense to you and what seems to get the desired results. follow one of those.
how great you have come to realize you need more than what you've been doing!
dealing with immediate urges is one thing, and you have gotten some suggestions for that.
but there is a bigger picture also, and that is where people will suggest a plan , or a program, or a method....a way forward that does more than leave you lurching from urge resisting to urge resisting with collapse in between.
you've been here, reading. you've seen what others are doing and how it'wss working out. what makes sense to you and what seems to get the desired results. follow one of those.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Your planning to drink, but you don't want to?
That's the insanity of alcoholism. You believe that you don't have a choice. You think the alcohol is stronger than you are. And it is. That's where ACCEPTANCE comes in. Time to admit your an alcoholic. Time to quit.
That's the insanity of alcoholism. You believe that you don't have a choice. You think the alcohol is stronger than you are. And it is. That's where ACCEPTANCE comes in. Time to admit your an alcoholic. Time to quit.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Teach you AV what it gets when it comes at you with this. It doesn't get to drink. It gets you talking about it on SR or it gets you sitting in an AA meeting or whatever it takes. It does not get you going to the liquor store. Eventually it will get the point.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 46
Thank you for your post.
I totally get what you are saying cause I plan out stuff in my head about drinking too. Especially when my spouse is planning to go away for either the weekend or week. Once that thought process hits most times I will follow through with it even though I vowed not to drink again. Tricky little AV.
I told my counselor this yesterday. It was my first session and went well. So I am seeing her once a week for now. We are exploring my triggers. Hopefully my spouse will attend sessions with me eventually.
16 days sober and counting....
I totally get what you are saying cause I plan out stuff in my head about drinking too. Especially when my spouse is planning to go away for either the weekend or week. Once that thought process hits most times I will follow through with it even though I vowed not to drink again. Tricky little AV.
I told my counselor this yesterday. It was my first session and went well. So I am seeing her once a week for now. We are exploring my triggers. Hopefully my spouse will attend sessions with me eventually.
16 days sober and counting....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 157
Hi Livin, I was just reading through this and your post really struck me. My wife and child are away for a few days soon and I have noticed this almost euphoric feeling. I feel great and happy and excited and I know it’s because in years gone by I would be planning on getting wasted.
32 days in so I’m going to stick close to SR plus I have started planning all the jobs around the house and enjoying my hobbies while they are away rather than drinking all night and sleeping all day.
Got to show the AV who’s boss.
32 days in so I’m going to stick close to SR plus I have started planning all the jobs around the house and enjoying my hobbies while they are away rather than drinking all night and sleeping all day.
Got to show the AV who’s boss.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
If you are checking for open liquor stores, you've gone one step too far with the negotiation process.
Your addiction wins arguments. It's very, very smart. It is you, at the most primitive level, believing you need to drink to survive.
No negotiation. No argument. Loud, clanging alarm bells should go off if you are looking at liquor stores, because the whisper in your ear that started the search should be shut down at the first inkling. "Ha! No that's ridiculous, I'm an alcoholic who quit drinking.". "No, because I quit drinking.". when there's a whisper I immediately go to the scene in my bedroom on my birthday weekend where I drank whiskey day and night with zero control. Then I think, oh, that's right. Drinking is never a consideration.
your door is cracked open. Your addiction has nearly wrestled it wide open from you, if it hasn't already.
shut and lock it.
Your addiction wins arguments. It's very, very smart. It is you, at the most primitive level, believing you need to drink to survive.
No negotiation. No argument. Loud, clanging alarm bells should go off if you are looking at liquor stores, because the whisper in your ear that started the search should be shut down at the first inkling. "Ha! No that's ridiculous, I'm an alcoholic who quit drinking.". "No, because I quit drinking.". when there's a whisper I immediately go to the scene in my bedroom on my birthday weekend where I drank whiskey day and night with zero control. Then I think, oh, that's right. Drinking is never a consideration.
your door is cracked open. Your addiction has nearly wrestled it wide open from you, if it hasn't already.
shut and lock it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 74
I was in a similar spot the other day. My goal is to run 2 marathons this year. I started planning what I would drink at the end of my second to “celebrate” the end of the running season (this is next April btw). I made my list of 7 beers and left it in my phone notes.
I went back to it a few days later and just deleted it. I know I’m not going to drink so why play along anymore? It f’s me up in a lot of ways both physically and mentally. Some stressful days I think “boy Id like a beer” but A- I’ve never drank less than 6 EVER and B- there’s no joy left in it.
Just have to cut it off before the lists are made etc. Tad earlier.
I’m at Day 114 after getting almost 6 months last year.
I went back to it a few days later and just deleted it. I know I’m not going to drink so why play along anymore? It f’s me up in a lot of ways both physically and mentally. Some stressful days I think “boy Id like a beer” but A- I’ve never drank less than 6 EVER and B- there’s no joy left in it.
Just have to cut it off before the lists are made etc. Tad earlier.
I’m at Day 114 after getting almost 6 months last year.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 40
Thank you all.
I did end up drinking Monday night :-(
My husband apologized for "letting" me drink, and for drinking with me.
I told him not to apologize, it was my decision to drink and nobody/nothing was going to stop me from doing it.
I just knew I was going to drink.
I called in sick to work on Tuesday and had a hungover mental breakdown at home.
I kept asking out loud "why? why? WHY? Why did I drink??? I KNOW better!! I KNOW what it does to me, I can't stand feeling this way, I don't EVER want to feel like this again........ "
I was feeling guilty about missing work and then something occurred to me. This is WAY bigger than just worrying about missing work.
I'm losing myself. Losing my soul. To alcohol.
I watched some very inspiring Youtube videos while I was at home (Thank you Behappy!) and I finally made an appointment with an addiction counselor.
I feel like this time, something actually "clicked".
Drinking is just not an option for me anymore. Ever.
Thank you for listening
I did end up drinking Monday night :-(
My husband apologized for "letting" me drink, and for drinking with me.
I told him not to apologize, it was my decision to drink and nobody/nothing was going to stop me from doing it.
I just knew I was going to drink.
I called in sick to work on Tuesday and had a hungover mental breakdown at home.
I kept asking out loud "why? why? WHY? Why did I drink??? I KNOW better!! I KNOW what it does to me, I can't stand feeling this way, I don't EVER want to feel like this again........ "
I was feeling guilty about missing work and then something occurred to me. This is WAY bigger than just worrying about missing work.
I'm losing myself. Losing my soul. To alcohol.
I watched some very inspiring Youtube videos while I was at home (Thank you Behappy!) and I finally made an appointment with an addiction counselor.
I feel like this time, something actually "clicked".
Drinking is just not an option for me anymore. Ever.
Thank you for listening
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,387
It sounds weird to say, but something I used to tell myself in the early days was that I didn't have to drink if I didn't want to. Somehow just hearing that would lift my spirits a little, reminding myself that it was optional and I had the power to opt out if I didn't like how it was going!
Mnjen, you have that option too going forward.
Mnjen, you have that option too going forward.
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