Fear of being blindsided after long term sobriety like we have in the past...
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Fear of being blindsided after long term sobriety like we have in the past...
I responded to a thread on the Newcomers forum and wanted to also share/expand on the idea here.
So many of us had achieved some form of long term sobriety in the past, felt it was "real", but at some point we drank again and eventually found ourselves back to square one. We look back and think "Why the hell did I take that first drink? Why did I throw it all away?" I know I have struggled with the fear that the same thing will happen yet again. Each relapse takes away our ability to trust ourselves, especially when the relapses seem to come out of nowhere versus caving to a genuine "craving".
I had a full year of sobriety back in 2006. I'd learned to live without alcohol, I was thin, fit and quite happy. And then one day we were hosting a family party and a member of my husband's family whom I dislike immensely was there. In an instant I made a decision to drink that day. I barely gave it a second thought, it was just "Ugh I can't deal with him! I haven't drank in so long, I'm gonna enjoy a few today"!
That was almost 12 years ago, and I haven't been sober for more than 30 days since then. So what the hell made me so quick to give in that day? THAT is the baffling part.
It reminds me of a song that was popular right around that time called "Into the Ocean", part of the lyrics are:
Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove that I knew how
There are many facets to "why" we self-sabotage long term sobriety. We think we're "cured", we feel normal again and are sure we can drink like normal people, the memory of the horrors of what our prior drinking did to our lives dims. When all of those factors are present and we're faced with a situation where our AV whispers in our ear "You're entitled to this, you're an adult and you've earned it!", it's the perfect storm, and those are the moments when we've jumped from the bow straight into the ocean.
It CAN be different this time, for ALL of us, but we have to do things differently than we’ve done in the past. The only way we can prevent ourselves from making the exact same mistakes is by learning from the past, taking action, and being willing to do whatever it takes to stay stopped. I am willing, and I hope you all are too.
So many of us had achieved some form of long term sobriety in the past, felt it was "real", but at some point we drank again and eventually found ourselves back to square one. We look back and think "Why the hell did I take that first drink? Why did I throw it all away?" I know I have struggled with the fear that the same thing will happen yet again. Each relapse takes away our ability to trust ourselves, especially when the relapses seem to come out of nowhere versus caving to a genuine "craving".
I had a full year of sobriety back in 2006. I'd learned to live without alcohol, I was thin, fit and quite happy. And then one day we were hosting a family party and a member of my husband's family whom I dislike immensely was there. In an instant I made a decision to drink that day. I barely gave it a second thought, it was just "Ugh I can't deal with him! I haven't drank in so long, I'm gonna enjoy a few today"!
That was almost 12 years ago, and I haven't been sober for more than 30 days since then. So what the hell made me so quick to give in that day? THAT is the baffling part.
It reminds me of a song that was popular right around that time called "Into the Ocean", part of the lyrics are:
Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove that I knew how
There are many facets to "why" we self-sabotage long term sobriety. We think we're "cured", we feel normal again and are sure we can drink like normal people, the memory of the horrors of what our prior drinking did to our lives dims. When all of those factors are present and we're faced with a situation where our AV whispers in our ear "You're entitled to this, you're an adult and you've earned it!", it's the perfect storm, and those are the moments when we've jumped from the bow straight into the ocean.
It CAN be different this time, for ALL of us, but we have to do things differently than we’ve done in the past. The only way we can prevent ourselves from making the exact same mistakes is by learning from the past, taking action, and being willing to do whatever it takes to stay stopped. I am willing, and I hope you all are too.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Beautifully put. I've never achieved that length of sobriety but I can imagine that where I am now, certain in the depths that a sober life is the right life for me, I will find myself in a situation similar to what you described: a mundane, simple day where I almost casually throw this certainty to the wind and start drinking again.
What are you going to do differently this time?
What are you going to do differently this time?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
To me, this is just an illustration of the difference people sometimes draw between "mere" abstinence and recovery.
Simply quitting drinking and doing nothing else to change one's thinking or perceptions about alcohol or about living life in general leaves the door open for relapse even years down the road.
I had to completely overhaul not only the way I looked alcohol but the way I looked at life and dealt with its difficulties. My default mode was to reach for a drink in every emotional circumstance, good and bad -- I had to eradicate completely those patterns of thought and behavior and replace them with new, healthier ones. This took time and effort and training -- it didn't happen by itself.
Nowadays I don't worry about encountering a situation in which I might feel "entitled to drinking" because I simply no longer view drinking alcohol as a possible source of pleasure, or as solution to anything. Sometimes my "lizard brain" does send up a fleeting spasm of urge, but I'm able to recognize it for the lie it is, and feel no inclination to act on it.
I do feel the need to perform ongoing maintenance work to keep myself in this state of grace. Without regularly keeping tabs on my recovery, I could see myself slipping back into a vulnerable frame of mind.
I'm not in AA, but I can see why its more dedicated adherents tend to harp on the Big Book's warning that "half-measures availed us nothing." If you're going to re-train your brain away from alcoholism by whatever method, you have to do the job right.
Simply quitting drinking and doing nothing else to change one's thinking or perceptions about alcohol or about living life in general leaves the door open for relapse even years down the road.
I had to completely overhaul not only the way I looked alcohol but the way I looked at life and dealt with its difficulties. My default mode was to reach for a drink in every emotional circumstance, good and bad -- I had to eradicate completely those patterns of thought and behavior and replace them with new, healthier ones. This took time and effort and training -- it didn't happen by itself.
Nowadays I don't worry about encountering a situation in which I might feel "entitled to drinking" because I simply no longer view drinking alcohol as a possible source of pleasure, or as solution to anything. Sometimes my "lizard brain" does send up a fleeting spasm of urge, but I'm able to recognize it for the lie it is, and feel no inclination to act on it.
I do feel the need to perform ongoing maintenance work to keep myself in this state of grace. Without regularly keeping tabs on my recovery, I could see myself slipping back into a vulnerable frame of mind.
I'm not in AA, but I can see why its more dedicated adherents tend to harp on the Big Book's warning that "half-measures availed us nothing." If you're going to re-train your brain away from alcoholism by whatever method, you have to do the job right.
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Originally Posted by BrandNewDay11 
I had a full year of sobriety back in 2006. I'd learned to live without alcohol,
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I've had a lot of abstinence in the past decade, up to 2 years with a lot of varying amounts of time in between. But that decade was studded with horrifying benders (my signature drinking 'style') that I am thankful I survived.
I have never just found myself drinking. There was always a reservation back there somewhere in my brain. If a meteor hit the earth, would I drink? Yes, I've actually thought that. If such and such happened, would I drink? I have found a lot of the thinking in both Rational Recovery and AA very helpful. Rational Recovery tells us to make a big plan, the absolute. I will not drink again, no matter what and I will not change my mind. That mantra is at the forefront of my thinking daily. Not all day, haha, but at least twice a day...when I wake up, when I go to sleep. I am ultimately 100% responsible for my actions and choices. Nothing and no one drives me to drink, period. There are no slips. Only choices. Conscious choices. And that thinking of complete ownership for my behavior is practiced in every area of my life. No one makes me mad, I choose to get mad. No one treats me any way other than the way I allow them to. This helps me remember where the responsibility lies......squarely with me.
AA has taught me huge life skills that I would never have learned anywhere else. Stuff that is so flucking obvious its stupid, but I clearly didn't get the memos as I was growing up
I think I am a particularly childish person, just is. AA has helped me learn to grow up. I think I'm about 30 now. So when I die I might be about the age I am now!
Everyday is an opportunity to do the right thing, even when no one is looking. I kind of meld the never again thinking, with the training of practicing that thinking daily. Like working out or any other good behavior.
I have never just found myself drinking. There was always a reservation back there somewhere in my brain. If a meteor hit the earth, would I drink? Yes, I've actually thought that. If such and such happened, would I drink? I have found a lot of the thinking in both Rational Recovery and AA very helpful. Rational Recovery tells us to make a big plan, the absolute. I will not drink again, no matter what and I will not change my mind. That mantra is at the forefront of my thinking daily. Not all day, haha, but at least twice a day...when I wake up, when I go to sleep. I am ultimately 100% responsible for my actions and choices. Nothing and no one drives me to drink, period. There are no slips. Only choices. Conscious choices. And that thinking of complete ownership for my behavior is practiced in every area of my life. No one makes me mad, I choose to get mad. No one treats me any way other than the way I allow them to. This helps me remember where the responsibility lies......squarely with me.
AA has taught me huge life skills that I would never have learned anywhere else. Stuff that is so flucking obvious its stupid, but I clearly didn't get the memos as I was growing up
I think I am a particularly childish person, just is. AA has helped me learn to grow up. I think I'm about 30 now. So when I die I might be about the age I am now! Everyday is an opportunity to do the right thing, even when no one is looking. I kind of meld the never again thinking, with the training of practicing that thinking daily. Like working out or any other good behavior.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by lessgravity
...What are you going to do differently this time?
This time I am committed to putting time in every day to working on recovery. As Andante said, I have learned that it requires ongoing maintenance to preserve the frame of mind that keeps me abstinent, and if I let that slide eventually my armor will get thinner and thinner until I'm a sitting duck for a slip. Whether I'm one year or 10 years sober (and one year is truly not a lot in the grand scheme of things, as doggone said), I will need to continue taking action to maintain my recovery.
Those measures include daily journaling, making the daily sobriety pledge on this site, reading and posting on this site daily, and making the commitment to post here for permission to drink if I ever get the idea that I should do so. I will continue to read stories from newcomers so I never forget why I'm here and why I need to stay here.
I also have a whole arsenal of alternate activities to do when I get the urge to drink. Right now that includes drinking sparkling water and vaping zero nicotine, but it also includes walking and treating myself to something at Barnes and Noble (My list is very specific)!
This time I have accepted that I will never be able to to go back to being a "normal" drinker. I will never entertain the idea again that it's possible for me to moderate. In recent years I only drank to get drunk and having "one or two" not only feels pointless, but it wakes up that raging beast.
TY for asking this LessGravity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
I've had a lot of abstinence in the past decade, up to 2 years with a lot of varying amounts of time in between. But that decade was studded with horrifying benders (my signature drinking 'style') that I am thankful I survived.
I have never just found myself drinking. There was always a reservation back there somewhere in my brain. If a meteor hit the earth, would I drink? Yes, I've actually thought that. If such and such happened, would I drink? I have found a lot of the thinking in both Rational Recovery and AA very helpful. Rational Recovery tells us to make a big plan, the absolute. I will not drink again, no matter what and I will not change my mind. That mantra is at the forefront of my thinking daily. Not all day, haha, but at least twice a day...when I wake up, when I go to sleep. I am ultimately 100% responsible for my actions and choices. Nothing and no one drives me to drink, period. There are no slips. Only choices. Conscious choices. And that thinking of complete ownership for my behavior is practiced in every area of my life. No one makes me mad, I choose to get mad. No one treats me any way other than the way I allow them to. This helps me remember where the responsibility lies......squarely with me.
AA has taught me huge life skills that I would never have learned anywhere else. Stuff that is so flucking obvious its stupid, but I clearly didn't get the memos as I was growing up I think I am a particularly childish person, just is. AA has helped me learn to grow up. I think I'm about 30 now. So when I die I might be about the age I am now!
Everyday is an opportunity to do the right thing, even when no one is looking. I kind of meld the never again thinking, with the training of practicing that thinking daily. Like working out or any other good behavior.
I have never just found myself drinking. There was always a reservation back there somewhere in my brain. If a meteor hit the earth, would I drink? Yes, I've actually thought that. If such and such happened, would I drink? I have found a lot of the thinking in both Rational Recovery and AA very helpful. Rational Recovery tells us to make a big plan, the absolute. I will not drink again, no matter what and I will not change my mind. That mantra is at the forefront of my thinking daily. Not all day, haha, but at least twice a day...when I wake up, when I go to sleep. I am ultimately 100% responsible for my actions and choices. Nothing and no one drives me to drink, period. There are no slips. Only choices. Conscious choices. And that thinking of complete ownership for my behavior is practiced in every area of my life. No one makes me mad, I choose to get mad. No one treats me any way other than the way I allow them to. This helps me remember where the responsibility lies......squarely with me.
AA has taught me huge life skills that I would never have learned anywhere else. Stuff that is so flucking obvious its stupid, but I clearly didn't get the memos as I was growing up
I think I am a particularly childish person, just is. AA has helped me learn to grow up. I think I'm about 30 now. So when I die I might be about the age I am now! Everyday is an opportunity to do the right thing, even when no one is looking. I kind of meld the never again thinking, with the training of practicing that thinking daily. Like working out or any other good behavior.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by Andante
To me, this is just an illustration of the difference people sometimes draw between "mere" abstinence and recovery.
Simply quitting drinking and doing nothing else to change one's thinking or perceptions about alcohol or about living life in general leaves the door open for relapse even years down the road.
I had to completely overhaul not only the way I looked alcohol but the way I looked at life and dealt with its difficulties. My default mode was to reach for a drink in every emotional circumstance, good and bad -- I had to eradicate completely those patterns of thought and behavior and replace them with new, healthier ones. This took time and effort and training -- it didn't happen by itself.
Nowadays I don't worry about encountering a situation in which I might feel "entitled to drinking" because I simply no longer view drinking alcohol as a possible source of pleasure, or as solution to anything. Sometimes my "lizard brain" does send up a fleeting spasm of urge, but I'm able to recognize it for the lie it is, and feel no inclination to act on it.
I do feel the need to perform ongoing maintenance work to keep myself in this state of grace. Without regularly keeping tabs on my recovery, I could see myself slipping back into a vulnerable frame of mind.
I'm not in AA, but I can see why its more dedicated adherents tend to harp on the Big Book's warning that "half-measures availed us nothing." If you're going to re-train your brain away from alcoholism by whatever method, you have to do the job right.
Simply quitting drinking and doing nothing else to change one's thinking or perceptions about alcohol or about living life in general leaves the door open for relapse even years down the road.
I had to completely overhaul not only the way I looked alcohol but the way I looked at life and dealt with its difficulties. My default mode was to reach for a drink in every emotional circumstance, good and bad -- I had to eradicate completely those patterns of thought and behavior and replace them with new, healthier ones. This took time and effort and training -- it didn't happen by itself.
Nowadays I don't worry about encountering a situation in which I might feel "entitled to drinking" because I simply no longer view drinking alcohol as a possible source of pleasure, or as solution to anything. Sometimes my "lizard brain" does send up a fleeting spasm of urge, but I'm able to recognize it for the lie it is, and feel no inclination to act on it.
I do feel the need to perform ongoing maintenance work to keep myself in this state of grace. Without regularly keeping tabs on my recovery, I could see myself slipping back into a vulnerable frame of mind.
I'm not in AA, but I can see why its more dedicated adherents tend to harp on the Big Book's warning that "half-measures availed us nothing." If you're going to re-train your brain away from alcoholism by whatever method, you have to do the job right.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
A year felt like a long time when I got to a year, but now that I haven't drank in almost 8 years, a year is nothing. In a year I hadn't yet encountered every challenge to my sobriety, just as you hadn't. So while we "feel" like you learned to live without alcohol, we haven't. That's why the recovery process doesn't end. We can quit drinking, but learning to live and love the sober life is ongoing.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
That was almost 12 years ago, and I haven't been sober for more than 30 days since then. So what the hell made me so quick to give in that day
Are you willing to go to any lengths to stay sober?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
And then one day we were hosting a family party and a member of my husband's family whom I dislike immensely was there. In an instant I made a decision to drink that day. I barely gave it a second thought, it was just "Ugh I can't deal with him! I haven't drank in so long, I'm gonna enjoy a few today"!
The other thing is that I accept and believe it's the first drink that gets me, not the last.
I fully accept I'm an alcoholic and that drinking is never a viable option for me.
The AV lies. always.
D
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