Vandermast

Gee it hurts but I know I did the right thing.

See we started dating last year around August, and I was still drinking then.

I consider myself to be in early recovery because even though having recommitted to sobriety last year in December it is early days and I am far from out of the woods.

I have caused this lovely woman who deserves the world and far better than I can give her currently a lot of grief, so I broke it off with her today. My drinking has ruined relationships in the past and I don't want to hurt this woman any more.

Alcoholism sucks, and its a great amount of effort to stay sober at present, and I don't think in reality its fair to ask someone of her calibre and all round healthiness as a person to be tethered to a trainwreck like me.

**** it hurts but I know I have done the right thing, and I am still sober.....one day at a time...Vandermast

Maudcat

Keep going, Vandermast.
Peace.

Ladysadie

Hopefully you are not isolating. Please reach out to sober friends or family in this time of heartbreak for you. Wishing you strength and focus on your path to recovery. Focus on you and setting goals so you may manifest into the type of man you truly want to be for her or someone of her caliber or quality. You have it in you to be worthy!

saoutchik

That is a very selfless decision Vandermast.

All the best.

Delizadee

I know it's hard but you did a very kind thing to her and yourself.
It's hard to see it but I think that is a huge step in your path of recovery.
A lot of us struggle with codependency and really that is a big thing and a huge instance of clarity in your life. I am proud of you for staying sober. You can love her and let her go, it works both ways. It will get better in time and you are very well in putting your sobriety first, and really, kudos to you for being kind enough to let her go.

ScottFromWI

Hard decision vandermast, but as others have said it shows a lot of growth and maturity to do so - and likely something you never could have/would have done if you were still drinking. Stay strong and don't forget SR is always here if you need support.

SoberLeigh

That must have been a difficult decision, Vandermast - but a selfless one, too.

I am sorry for your pain.

Stay close. We care.

Stayingsassy

Maybe I dont understand totally, but why did you leave? If you have gotten sober don't you expect to have a much more peaceful time of it soon?

Unless of course there are just the usual reasons to leave...Not as attracted, not enjoying her company, etc.

If you are relapsing a lot, then I could see that as a reason to leave. I was planning to leave my husband if he threatened my sobriety.

Stellar45

If you left her because the relationship was a distraction to you becoming the person you wanted to be in sobriety, ore even your sobriety itself then I commend you for that.

Being single doesn't have to be a forever thing and will give you
time to focus on developing a better you. When you are ready for
a relationship again, you will be better able to contribute to it as
you will be a more whole and well rounded person. I wish you well
on your journey.

Vandermast

Hi you guys

thank you for the feedback, it helps reinforce the decision I have made that will hopefully benefit us mutually going forward.
you see I lost my job because of my drinking, I am in debt because of my drinking, my mental health has been compromised because of my drinking and well, being newly sober with all the attendant anxiety, irritability, mood swings and what not I am a general pain in the ass to be around....and just to clarify this is not self pity, rather an honest appraisal of my current situation.

The lady I have set free has a beautiful soul, is gainfully employed, has a healthy outlook on life and is going places professionally and in her spiritual life. It can be seen therefore, that there is a huge disparity in our current statuses in life, and me, well if I was healthy and doing well I wouldn't touch someone like me with a forty foot barge pole.

Again, I have been doing some concerted work on myself and am not prepared to drag someone else down because of selfish desires or needs on my part for emotional security or a childish need to feel whole by clinging to a person and being a dead weight.

I know I am capable of being a decent healthy and well man....I was sober for almost 8 years at one point so have experienced this...however I am a long way from that at present and am slowly rebuilding my life and sorting out a substantial array of mess that has resulted from my alcoholism.

this takes time effort and a narrowly honed focus that most "normal" people cannot comprehend....and as such I will seek my support here and other relevant avenues....

Hopefully she will see in time that it is for the best, she deserves far better than I at present, and my decision was made out of a genuine desire for her to have better in her life, as she deserves it.

Thanks

Vandermast

Stayingsassy

She sees something in you...

That said I support your decision and it was yours to make. Early sobriety is an emotional rollercoaster and we do need ...tons... Of time to regroup ourselves.

I was a bit of a waste of space for months.

Dropsie

VM,

I am still not convinced.

If love her and are comitted to being sober, why not let her decide if she is in for the ride.

Sometimes when I do the "mature" thing, I am just looking for another way to torture myself, which is part of my cycle.

If you love her, you can also fight for her.

Vandermast

I appreciate your point of view, and your support.

Believe me I have done her a favour.

Anyways I don't need convincing as to what she sees in me

It is the truth that matters in this instance.

Van

Ladysadie

You remind me of someone on a Visionquest. (From NativeAmericansOnline:

"Those of us on a spiritual path and more specifically on a Vision Quest believe that we are put on this earth for a special reason, but that reason is not always clear to us. We want to know what we need to accomplish in life for our highest benefit, and, in turn, the benefit of the world. The quest can reveal our life's purpose, but it is an arduous journey into the core of our being that we should only embark upon with sincerity. William Walk Sacred cautions, "It's very important for people to realize that this is not fun and games. Going into the spiritual world is very serious. If the intent isn't clear, the spirits will not give the vision. The most important thing is being clear in your heart as to what you are seeking for yourself and the people of the world.")

SoberCAH

I'm happy to hear that you have followed your heart and inner voice in making this very difficult decision.

Your sobriety is critical (as it is with me), and early sobriety takes a lot of work.

Please keep us posted.

As an aside, you certainly have an enviable way with words.

Take care.

Vandermast

Again thanks for all the support and feedback.

what it basically boils down to is simply trying to do the right thing and recover from my alcoholism.

I am sick and tired of my drinking hurting good people, and hurting my own soul.

So I am taking action.

Thanks you fellow travellers

Vandermast.

Ken33xx

I`m one who believes it's not necessarily a good idea to make big changes early in sobriety.

For me I needed a few months of being sober in order to get a better handle on my life.

Cosima11

I hope you've expressed to her the reasons you've shared here. Sometimes it's easier to just bail without a thorough explanation.

I personally think if she's "right" for you she'll respect your decision and if it's "meant to be" perhaps you'll meet again when you're on the other side of what you're going through. It's never the fun and easy times that reveal the strength and longevity of any relationship..

Vandermast

most certainly I gave her the reasons I listed here.

Thanks

Vandermast

Wastinglife

I agree with your decision. I have dated several women in the last couple years while actively drinking. It doesn't take long for them to recognize my drinking problem. I can usually hide it for 5 or so dates before I screw up. I usually always encouraged dates where booze is served. Alcohol really distorts my thinking. Dating is the last thing I need to be doing. Especially because I put up a facade and lie to them about how bad my problems are. Shouldn't be dragging them down with me.