There's Hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 4
There's Hope
Thirteen years ago I was going through a divorce. I had stayed home because I was in emotional ruins. Around 11am, as I panned to my right, I spied a half-bottle of vodka and, against my better judgment, I poured a glass and took a swig. And when I say, "Against my better judgment," it wasn't because I was afraid of what was to follow, rather, it was the foreign and unfamiliar feeling which centered more around, 'Who drinks vodka at 11am on a Wednesday morning feeling like I do? And by themselves, no less?'
So I reached for the bottle (Polar brand - Never forget it) Followed by:
The burn.
The retching.
The warmth.
Yeah, *that* warmth. That 'everything is gonna be alright,' kinda warmth...
And so began a 13 year, all-consuming, ride straight into hell.
Straight. Into. Hell.
Amazingly, I have run 20 marathons (mostly hung over) several ultra-marathons, (mostly hung over) hold a senior management position, (drinking throughout the day) and generally presenting myself (in passing at least) as a half-decent guy whose consumption of alcohol wasn't 1/100th what was being presented to everyone, including my eventual second wife.
Everything revolved around alcohol.
Everything.
I have traveled to 6 different countries, 15 or so different States in the past 13 years and all of my travels required meticulous planning around my alcohol consumption. I can count on less than ten fingers how many times I haven't been drunk over the course of the past 13 years.
Last year I started to get desperate. I wanted to stop. Desperately.
But I also loved drinking.
I met with my doctor. Gave him a BS excuse about how the death of my father, my professional workload was starting to become slightly troublesome, (but not TOO troublesome) and asked him to prescribe me medication. Enter: Naltrexone Worked for a few days. Curbed my enthusiasm to get *drunk*, but not my desire to *drink*.
Rewind three (3) weeks ago:
I didn't experience a 'rock bottom' although a couple of incredibly unsettling situations occurred as a result of my consumption which resulted in a true moment of clarity.
I was going to lose it all. Everything. My wife. My career. My children. I was going to die alone. The trajectory of my life - the lies, the alcohol - ALL THE EFFORT to present to everyone what I had become... which was a full-blown, raging alcoholic. At my worst - or best - depending on how you view my drinking, was almost 750ml a day. Sometimes a little less, but not by much.
And so I just quit.
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I have had - no kidding - an almost non-stop 13 year hangover.
The blackouts.
And so I just quit.
No muss, no fuss. No program.
I just wanted to quit. Badly. And I didn't want to lose everyone and everything important in my life to indulging incredibly self-destructive behavior.
A friend once shared what his alcoholic uncle one told him on his decision to quit drinking: "Well, Jeff, when I finally decided to quit drinking I also decided I wasn't going to beat myself up about it."
That's always stuck with me. I'm never going to lament quitting. I mean, hell, I've drank enough for two lifetimes, probably, right? Enough is enough.
So I want to end by sharing: There's Hope.
There's. Hope.
Three weeks sober - three weeks removed from my own Hell - I can't believe I lived my life like this. I can't believe I didn't kill someone. I can't believe the choices I made. I can't believe I didn't think I could ever quit.
But I did. And I'm so calm, clear and HAPPY.
I'm not under any illusions. I can never go back. I can't ever have another drink, ever. And who would want to?
I just wanted to share my experience. Maybe this will make some sense to some of you. Maybe you don't feel like you can quit? I've been there and I understand.
Best of luck and much love!
So I reached for the bottle (Polar brand - Never forget it) Followed by:
The burn.
The retching.
The warmth.
Yeah, *that* warmth. That 'everything is gonna be alright,' kinda warmth...
And so began a 13 year, all-consuming, ride straight into hell.
Straight. Into. Hell.
Amazingly, I have run 20 marathons (mostly hung over) several ultra-marathons, (mostly hung over) hold a senior management position, (drinking throughout the day) and generally presenting myself (in passing at least) as a half-decent guy whose consumption of alcohol wasn't 1/100th what was being presented to everyone, including my eventual second wife.
Everything revolved around alcohol.
Everything.
I have traveled to 6 different countries, 15 or so different States in the past 13 years and all of my travels required meticulous planning around my alcohol consumption. I can count on less than ten fingers how many times I haven't been drunk over the course of the past 13 years.
Last year I started to get desperate. I wanted to stop. Desperately.
But I also loved drinking.
I met with my doctor. Gave him a BS excuse about how the death of my father, my professional workload was starting to become slightly troublesome, (but not TOO troublesome) and asked him to prescribe me medication. Enter: Naltrexone Worked for a few days. Curbed my enthusiasm to get *drunk*, but not my desire to *drink*.
Rewind three (3) weeks ago:
I didn't experience a 'rock bottom' although a couple of incredibly unsettling situations occurred as a result of my consumption which resulted in a true moment of clarity.
I was going to lose it all. Everything. My wife. My career. My children. I was going to die alone. The trajectory of my life - the lies, the alcohol - ALL THE EFFORT to present to everyone what I had become... which was a full-blown, raging alcoholic. At my worst - or best - depending on how you view my drinking, was almost 750ml a day. Sometimes a little less, but not by much.
And so I just quit.
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I have had - no kidding - an almost non-stop 13 year hangover.
The blackouts.
And so I just quit.
No muss, no fuss. No program.
I just wanted to quit. Badly. And I didn't want to lose everyone and everything important in my life to indulging incredibly self-destructive behavior.
A friend once shared what his alcoholic uncle one told him on his decision to quit drinking: "Well, Jeff, when I finally decided to quit drinking I also decided I wasn't going to beat myself up about it."
That's always stuck with me. I'm never going to lament quitting. I mean, hell, I've drank enough for two lifetimes, probably, right? Enough is enough.
So I want to end by sharing: There's Hope.
There's. Hope.
Three weeks sober - three weeks removed from my own Hell - I can't believe I lived my life like this. I can't believe I didn't kill someone. I can't believe the choices I made. I can't believe I didn't think I could ever quit.
But I did. And I'm so calm, clear and HAPPY.
I'm not under any illusions. I can never go back. I can't ever have another drink, ever. And who would want to?
I just wanted to share my experience. Maybe this will make some sense to some of you. Maybe you don't feel like you can quit? I've been there and I understand.
Best of luck and much love!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Traveling (and not just to tourist destinations) is one of my favorite things in life but I haven't left the country in several years because alcohol became my all consuming priority as well... Doubt I would've been able to enjoy it or do much other than hang out in bars had I managed to plan a trip. The world is looking like a much bigger place again without the chains of addiction. Glad you're here sharing your story and deciding to make a change 
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Welcome and well done MoB
You sound like a force of nature... amazing stuff those marathons and ultras. I jog a little.
Agreed :
"hell, I've drank enough for two lifetimes, probably, right? Enough is enough."
Hell we have spilled enough for two lifetimes
Stay strong and keep posting.
V.
You sound like a force of nature... amazing stuff those marathons and ultras. I jog a little.
Agreed :
"hell, I've drank enough for two lifetimes, probably, right? Enough is enough."
Hell we have spilled enough for two lifetimes
Stay strong and keep posting.
V.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Great post. Really great.
This was perfect -- "I'm not under any illusions. I can never go back. I can't ever have another drink, ever. And who would want to?"
A friend of mine who stopped drinking in her 20s always says "we all get 10,000 drinks, I just got mine in early."
Love that.
I also loved what you friends uncle said. Gonna think on that.
You should read the article Otter posted -- I thought it was great.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4553654/
Happy Easter!
This was perfect -- "I'm not under any illusions. I can never go back. I can't ever have another drink, ever. And who would want to?"
A friend of mine who stopped drinking in her 20s always says "we all get 10,000 drinks, I just got mine in early."
Love that.
I also loved what you friends uncle said. Gonna think on that.
You should read the article Otter posted -- I thought it was great.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4553654/
Happy Easter!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
Congrats on 3 weeks!! Thanks for sharing your story! Very powerful!
Take it slow and steady, one day at a time. I can relate to a lot of your story, hits close to home.. wishing you the best!! Welcome to SR, I’ve been hanging out here for years and it’s big part of my recovery!!
Don’t be a stranger, have a great week!! 30days right around the corner!!
Take it slow and steady, one day at a time. I can relate to a lot of your story, hits close to home.. wishing you the best!! Welcome to SR, I’ve been hanging out here for years and it’s big part of my recovery!!
Don’t be a stranger, have a great week!! 30days right around the corner!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Originally Posted by MuzzleOfBees 
I can't believe I lived my life like this. I can't believe I didn't kill someone. I can't believe the choices I made. I can't believe I didn't think I could ever quit.
But I did. And I'm so calm, clear and HAPPY.
I'm not under any illusions. I can never go back. I can't ever have another drink, ever. And who would want to?
But I did. And I'm so calm, clear and HAPPY.
I'm not under any illusions. I can never go back. I can't ever have another drink, ever. And who would want to?
It's uncanny how much I identify with your story right from the very beginning. For me post natal depression had me utterly desperate and on a whim I drank a bottle of wine and just like that hooked.
I'm 8 months sober now and the great news is that his journey of ours gets better and better!
I too look back and wonder how on earth it got so bad. Did I really do all those things? How on earth did I allow myself to be a slave to the poison?
Addiction......
I'm thrilled for you and long may it continue!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 4
Wow!
Thanks so much for the kind sentiments... I decided to check back in and found these wonderful, caring responses. THANK YOU!
Funny story:
It was around 6am last week and I opened the refrigerator door and a diet ginger ale accidentally spilled out onto the floor. When it struck the ground, it did so at an awkward angle, causing a pinhole-size puncture and ginger ale goes spewing out...
I casually placed in the sink.
Had that been two months ago - and a beer rather than a ginger ale - I would have, in a panic, placed it over my mouth, while opening the top in a frantic effort not to waste a single craft beer drop.
Oh how times have changed!
I've also noticed how much life has slowed down. Life literally begins to slow, peacefully, with each earned day of sobriety.
Hope you are all doing well. Stay healthy!
Thanks so much for the kind sentiments... I decided to check back in and found these wonderful, caring responses. THANK YOU!
Funny story:
It was around 6am last week and I opened the refrigerator door and a diet ginger ale accidentally spilled out onto the floor. When it struck the ground, it did so at an awkward angle, causing a pinhole-size puncture and ginger ale goes spewing out...
I casually placed in the sink.
Had that been two months ago - and a beer rather than a ginger ale - I would have, in a panic, placed it over my mouth, while opening the top in a frantic effort not to waste a single craft beer drop.
Oh how times have changed!
I've also noticed how much life has slowed down. Life literally begins to slow, peacefully, with each earned day of sobriety.
Hope you are all doing well. Stay healthy!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 184
Thank you for this post.
Originally Posted by MuzzleOfBees
Wow!
Thanks so much for the kind sentiments... I decided to check back in and found these wonderful, caring responses. THANK YOU!
Funny story:
It was around 6am last week and I opened the refrigerator door and a diet ginger ale accidentally spilled out onto the floor. When it struck the ground, it did so at an awkward angle, causing a pinhole-size puncture and ginger ale goes spewing out...
I casually placed in the sink.
Had that been two months ago - and a beer rather than a ginger ale - I would have, in a panic, placed it over my mouth, while opening the top in a frantic effort not to waste a single craft beer drop.
Oh how times have changed!
I've also noticed how much life has slowed down. Life literally begins to slow, peacefully, with each earned day of sobriety.
Hope you are all doing well. Stay healthy!
Thanks so much for the kind sentiments... I decided to check back in and found these wonderful, caring responses. THANK YOU!
Funny story:
It was around 6am last week and I opened the refrigerator door and a diet ginger ale accidentally spilled out onto the floor. When it struck the ground, it did so at an awkward angle, causing a pinhole-size puncture and ginger ale goes spewing out...
I casually placed in the sink.
Had that been two months ago - and a beer rather than a ginger ale - I would have, in a panic, placed it over my mouth, while opening the top in a frantic effort not to waste a single craft beer drop.
Oh how times have changed!
I've also noticed how much life has slowed down. Life literally begins to slow, peacefully, with each earned day of sobriety.
Hope you are all doing well. Stay healthy!
I am drunk at 2:47 in the afternoon... and I am desperate. I have a half of a Texas Fifth left and am worried it won't be enough to last the night.
This post was awesome.
Please, please, please.... What can I do to make tomorrow Day One? Tips? Please?
I am terrified.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Please, please, please.... What can I do to make tomorrow Day One? Tips? Please?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi LSNP
what I did for a day one was make sure my house was booze free and sat in SR basically the whole day. I got me through Day One.
Why not pour the booze out, drink some water, maybe try and eat something and get an early night?
D
what I did for a day one was make sure my house was booze free and sat in SR basically the whole day. I got me through Day One.
Why not pour the booze out, drink some water, maybe try and eat something and get an early night?
D
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