regaining confidence after abuse
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Originally Posted by trachemys 
zj, here's something I truly believe:
There is a monumental hero in all of us. There is a core being in each of us that is just waiting to stand up and be the real us.
We have had it beaten down by others and we have joined in the beatdown by drug abuse.
We don't think we deserve the cape we should be wearing. Yet, we are superheroes.
We can be all that.
There is a monumental hero in all of us. There is a core being in each of us that is just waiting to stand up and be the real us.
We have had it beaten down by others and we have joined in the beatdown by drug abuse.
We don't think we deserve the cape we should be wearing. Yet, we are superheroes.
We can be all that.
Yeah that makes a lot of sense since i got sober its like a butterfly slipping out of a coccoon. slowely but surely all the new cool pieces of me are coming out there just not all out yet. they want out tho.
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Originally Posted by Dropsie
What a great thread.
For me its all part of the same thing. Something went wrong somewhere on the way to the rodeo and has had lasting repercussions on me in a variety of ways.
But I find that if I try to live my values its so much better. Not easy, but better.
For me:
Be on time.
Pay your bills. Send your bills.
Do your work on time.
Live with difficult emotions.
Do the right thing.
Do all of the above with love.
But at the end of the day, for me, I have always lived for the respect and love of other people and have molded my behaviour to try and get it, but then do everything possible to self sabatoge. Why? I have decided that getting to the why is not that important, its realising that my behaviour does not serve me or others.
So, now I am trying to live in the way I respect and love and trust the rest will happen. Really hard, but works when I get it right.
I am going to reread O's post often as I think her therapist has it. But growing up as an old person is hard, but better than never.
Thanks again for the great thread.
Find your inner batman, and robin.
For me its all part of the same thing. Something went wrong somewhere on the way to the rodeo and has had lasting repercussions on me in a variety of ways.
But I find that if I try to live my values its so much better. Not easy, but better.
For me:
Be on time.
Pay your bills. Send your bills.
Do your work on time.
Live with difficult emotions.
Do the right thing.
Do all of the above with love.
But at the end of the day, for me, I have always lived for the respect and love of other people and have molded my behaviour to try and get it, but then do everything possible to self sabatoge. Why? I have decided that getting to the why is not that important, its realising that my behaviour does not serve me or others.
So, now I am trying to live in the way I respect and love and trust the rest will happen. Really hard, but works when I get it right.
I am going to reread O's post often as I think her therapist has it. But growing up as an old person is hard, but better than never.
Thanks again for the great thread.
Find your inner batman, and robin.
But here is why. If i'm a drunken unhealthy mess wtf good am I to anyone else? So first and foremost I gotta have my house in order then the biproduct of that is a happy marriage kids etc.... I had it all backwards. I was like sacrificing myself and drinking my life away hoping i could somehow please everyone. Its true it was just a recipe for disaster.
and that cycle of self sabatoge it feels so built into me. and maybe it is. but it doesnt mean i have to play along.
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Place me in any situation with my family of origin for example and I feel myself reverting to what I used to be within that family. With certain other people, or situations I can feel similar dynamics and it's been enlightening to look at why.
For me I guess i got mad. and I also kept my distance till i regained my strength enough to walk back in and be who I am. Its almost like a boxer in a fight he doesnt just rush on in he'll get clobbered but he keeps his distance and is calculated about how he interacts with his opponent.
Tho with my thread its almost like others have mentioned like in the right setting i just revert back to that scared terrified kid.
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Keeping distance is a good interim measure for sure. But I don't want people, or these feelings, to continue to control me.
They say you can't avoid booze for the rest of your life and blame it for tempting you. Similarly IMO we have no control over how and when people will stir these feelings and make us uncomfortable. Unfortunately we can't avoid "people" for the rest of our lives either
Sooner or later the answer is to go within and find out what's going on.
This is why I personally don't like the term "Trigger"....it externalises the problem, allows me to avoid looking at my emotions and keeps me at the mercy of people, places and things.
P
They say you can't avoid booze for the rest of your life and blame it for tempting you. Similarly IMO we have no control over how and when people will stir these feelings and make us uncomfortable. Unfortunately we can't avoid "people" for the rest of our lives either
Sooner or later the answer is to go within and find out what's going on.This is why I personally don't like the term "Trigger"....it externalises the problem, allows me to avoid looking at my emotions and keeps me at the mercy of people, places and things.
P
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Holy moly, Z.
If I start writing I'll be here all day.
Have you read this sticky post from the Anxiety forum?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...anagement.html (Emotional Memory Management)
If I start writing I'll be here all day.
Have you read this sticky post from the Anxiety forum?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...anagement.html (Emotional Memory Management)
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I think when others intentionally try to make someone feel inadequate, it's usually because they feel inadequate in some way with themselves. They need that validation for their ego. Being sober in itself has helped me immensely with not letting other's opinions get to me, I'm more at peace now with how I see myself so why should it matter..
That being said with past abuse there's always going to be a trigger, a line that shouldn't be crossed.. Usually now I can spot it a mile away and generally try to steer clear of people and situations I can tell are going to "go there". If it happens anyway I detach myself emotionally and do nothing to fuel the fire. Power plays are not my scene anymore. Not sure if that's the healthiest way of dealing with things but that's where I'm at with it currently..
That being said with past abuse there's always going to be a trigger, a line that shouldn't be crossed.. Usually now I can spot it a mile away and generally try to steer clear of people and situations I can tell are going to "go there". If it happens anyway I detach myself emotionally and do nothing to fuel the fire. Power plays are not my scene anymore. Not sure if that's the healthiest way of dealing with things but that's where I'm at with it currently..
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One of my favorite movie scenes of all time is in Kill Bill 2. Bill(Carradine) explains superheroes. Bruce Wayne wakes up everyday as Bruce Wayne. Peter Parker wakes up as Peter Parker.
Superman wakes up as Superman.
We have to accept our true selves every morning.
Don the cape.
Superman wakes up as Superman.
We have to accept our true selves every morning.
Don the cape.
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Also sorry I just re-read your OP and realized I kind of just repeated something similar lol. Basically though I think confrontation and conflict are natural parts of life but it's important to look at the question of what purpose does it serve before engaging... If you're in helpless child mode naturally your responses are going to be defensive and well, childish. If you don't feel you can speak to someone in a productive and adult manner, because they're coming at you with low blows or bully behavior.. the conversation is probably not worth your time anyway.
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bimini
I sort of read that article today and printed it again for more careful review. Not sure I buy it entirely. Sure, for the minor to middling negative thoughts, it makes sense to instead whistle a happy tune. Not so sure about the intrusive thoughts, much less the subliminal. I mean, I just can't think of a way to add a funny spin to my story of being molested by a close relative for years. You know?
I sort of read that article today and printed it again for more careful review. Not sure I buy it entirely. Sure, for the minor to middling negative thoughts, it makes sense to instead whistle a happy tune. Not so sure about the intrusive thoughts, much less the subliminal. I mean, I just can't think of a way to add a funny spin to my story of being molested by a close relative for years. You know?
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I think one thing too with me presently that I need to be cogniscent of is given that i just lost my job I"m already feeling a bit less then if that makes any sense. I gotta be careful that I dont allow that to knock my confidence down too much if at all. I didnt loose my job through any fault of my own. But that being said I know I havent been the best employee over the years in my defense i did the best i could under the circumstances. But thats not why i got let go.
I need to realize that my inner child lack of confience type issues are different all together then my lack of confidence issues due to job loss.
Its funny tho looking for a job when you already have one is great. YOu can be real ballsy and really have a take it or leave it attitude. IE i'll come here and work for this price take it or leave it. DOesnt make any diff when you have a job. When youd ont have a job any amt of money they may wanna pay starts to sound good even if you know your not gonna get what your worth.
its a deleicate ballance between being overly confident and just being confident.
I can figure that out but the inner child type confidence issues ar a bit more sticky.
I gotta wonder if i recogonize this is happening inside of me in the situatioin and fi I"m aware of it. if i can get that inner child to stand up some how and quit being so afraid maybe through practice?
At least now I see it. for longest time i just couldnt understand why i was like this.
I need to realize that my inner child lack of confience type issues are different all together then my lack of confidence issues due to job loss.
Its funny tho looking for a job when you already have one is great. YOu can be real ballsy and really have a take it or leave it attitude. IE i'll come here and work for this price take it or leave it. DOesnt make any diff when you have a job. When youd ont have a job any amt of money they may wanna pay starts to sound good even if you know your not gonna get what your worth.
its a deleicate ballance between being overly confident and just being confident.
I can figure that out but the inner child type confidence issues ar a bit more sticky.
I gotta wonder if i recogonize this is happening inside of me in the situatioin and fi I"m aware of it. if i can get that inner child to stand up some how and quit being so afraid maybe through practice?
At least now I see it. for longest time i just couldnt understand why i was like this.
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Have you stood up to the abuser(s) as an adult? That helped me a lot.
It didn't change them at all, but it gave me a voice and I realized I could walk away, snipe back, ignore them or stay away from them.
People don't change a whole bunch. If they have to try to cut you down, that is their own insecurity and self-hatred coming out. It helped me to see them as sick people.
My mother was really abusive. When I was about eleven I had grown bigger than her, and there was never physical abuse after that. She went to hit me one time at about that age and I came at her. I think she realized the jig was up. She continued to use snarky nasty comments until she died.
I knew I was in control of myself. I could walk away, hang up the phone, or snipe back. It was too exhausting to snipe back so I chose to walk away with my serenity when she started in. I had years where I didn't talk to her at all. I don't think that was what she intended, but maybe it was. Who knows? I was just trying to keep my own peace.
It does help to know that once everyone is grown up, it's an equal playing field.
It didn't change them at all, but it gave me a voice and I realized I could walk away, snipe back, ignore them or stay away from them.
People don't change a whole bunch. If they have to try to cut you down, that is their own insecurity and self-hatred coming out. It helped me to see them as sick people.
My mother was really abusive. When I was about eleven I had grown bigger than her, and there was never physical abuse after that. She went to hit me one time at about that age and I came at her. I think she realized the jig was up. She continued to use snarky nasty comments until she died.
I knew I was in control of myself. I could walk away, hang up the phone, or snipe back. It was too exhausting to snipe back so I chose to walk away with my serenity when she started in. I had years where I didn't talk to her at all. I don't think that was what she intended, but maybe it was. Who knows? I was just trying to keep my own peace.
It does help to know that once everyone is grown up, it's an equal playing field.
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When i got sober and felt strong enough I put my mother in check. She tried to back pedal and argue but i kept just shoveing her face into the truth of the matter she finally ceded and said I'm right she was a bit over the top and abusive and she apologized. Boy she has some excuses and squirmed but kudos to her for finally putting to bed.
Now her and I have our issues for other reasons at this point but the abuse issue is settled in my mind and i'm over it as far as shes concerned. Once in a while i get a little upset that i was neglected by her in other ways but i shrug it off. I know she means well shes just kinda screwed up. But I dont think i'll ever be super close to her again.
My step father however I have not spoken to in ages. After having such good luck with my mother on the issue I do ponder confronting him. But with my mom I wanted to be on amicable terms and be ok with each toher. With him I never want to speak to him again. So if I where to confront him I woudlnt want him to get the false impression that i somehow wanna intereact with him again becuase I do not.
I am thankful tho for my brother who sadly has his own set of issues now. But in those rough years a few times my brother went after my step father gave him quite the beating which he had coming to him. and I think had it not been for my brother my step father would have been way worse.
But It bothers me that I didnt have the courage to go after my stepfather back then. Maybe I'd feel better now had i done that?
I 've told some of the stories to friends one replied "if i where you i would have slept with a knife under my pillow and if that guy came over i woulda stabbed him" I thought about what he said and was angry that I had not thought of doing exactly that back then.
I think confronting him would help. But if i do i'll do like my mom where I'll drag him out (not physically) but force him to face the truth of the situation shove his face in it and ask him if he can still deny that it was abusive and un called for.
see i think people really dont wanan face the truth but you smack them upside the head with it they almost cant deny it anymore. Oh it stinks for htem. the truth hurts but its probably healthy and good fro them too.
I dunno.
Maybe confrontation is the only solution for me.
Now her and I have our issues for other reasons at this point but the abuse issue is settled in my mind and i'm over it as far as shes concerned. Once in a while i get a little upset that i was neglected by her in other ways but i shrug it off. I know she means well shes just kinda screwed up. But I dont think i'll ever be super close to her again.
My step father however I have not spoken to in ages. After having such good luck with my mother on the issue I do ponder confronting him. But with my mom I wanted to be on amicable terms and be ok with each toher. With him I never want to speak to him again. So if I where to confront him I woudlnt want him to get the false impression that i somehow wanna intereact with him again becuase I do not.
I am thankful tho for my brother who sadly has his own set of issues now. But in those rough years a few times my brother went after my step father gave him quite the beating which he had coming to him. and I think had it not been for my brother my step father would have been way worse.
But It bothers me that I didnt have the courage to go after my stepfather back then. Maybe I'd feel better now had i done that?
I 've told some of the stories to friends one replied "if i where you i would have slept with a knife under my pillow and if that guy came over i woulda stabbed him" I thought about what he said and was angry that I had not thought of doing exactly that back then.
I think confronting him would help. But if i do i'll do like my mom where I'll drag him out (not physically) but force him to face the truth of the situation shove his face in it and ask him if he can still deny that it was abusive and un called for.
see i think people really dont wanan face the truth but you smack them upside the head with it they almost cant deny it anymore. Oh it stinks for htem. the truth hurts but its probably healthy and good fro them too.
I dunno.
Maybe confrontation is the only solution for me.
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Yeah I barely speak to either of my parents. Confrontation for me was pointless. My mom was fully aware the way she treated me was wrong and actually apologized many, many times. Usually accompanied by tears and a guilt trip about "how hard this was for her". The apologizes were meant to be a cue I should just accept it and allow it to happen again. If I tried confronting my dad after the fact he would literally just say "that never happened."
If it's possible to get some form of acknowledgment years later I guess I'd say go for it but don't hold your breath. I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around and that has to be enough at this point..
If it's possible to get some form of acknowledgment years later I guess I'd say go for it but don't hold your breath. I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around and that has to be enough at this point..
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Originally Posted by Cosima11
Yeah I barely speak to either of my parents. Confrontation for me was pointless. My mom was fully aware the way she treated me was wrong and actually apologized many, many times. Usually accompanied by tears and a guilt trip about "how hard this was for her". The apologizes were meant to be a cue I should just accept it and allow it to happen again. If I tried confronting my dad after the fact he would literally just say "that never happened."
If it's possible to get some form of acknowledgment years later I guess I'd say go for it but don't hold your breath. I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around and that has to be enough at this point..
If it's possible to get some form of acknowledgment years later I guess I'd say go for it but don't hold your breath. I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around and that has to be enough at this point..
I do ponder going no contact with my mother not really over the abuse issue but just a number of other things. I dont have it in me to really be tolerant of her and its often just easier to not talk to her. Kinda sad but it is what it is.
I dont think its the end of the world to be no contact. for example i have many relatives that came here from europe and never looked back. they just started a new life theres for some reason tehse days we tend to feel obligated to keep good relations with ever last relative under the sun and I dunno that things really should / have to be that way.
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