regaining confidence after abuse
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regaining confidence after abuse
Its not entirely alcholism related but I wanted to to put this out there to see what kinda suggestions I could get. I bet theres others with the same issue going on.
Now obviously many will suggest therapy etc.. Got it and i might do that at some point but at the present moment its not an option.
Since i got sober I've been able to restore confidence in so many ways. and I'm much more confident now then i was.
That being said I'm noticing a pattern. When i'm faced with intereaction / confrontation with others in certain situations that slightly resemble traits of my abuser IE there personality or how things are being handled etc.. It tends to trigger that scared no confidence child in me. These folks then tend to basicly treat me as such. My solution so far has to just kinda been to shrug it off and accept this about me tho at times I get frustratred in how they tread me but I just cant seem to get past this beaten down scared kid inside of me thats terrified to stick his neck out. Terrified of the confrontation.
The odd thing is you put me in a situation where these traits or simlierirties to my abuser dont exist and I tend to function fine and less fear.
I've read some inner child stuff and am working on that kinda thing but alas not having a whole lot of luck.
Anyone else have any other suggestions to kinda get past this?
Confronting the abuser seems to help IE i confronted the one and that seems to have put that aspect of things to bed. and I feel better. But confronting the other abuser hasnt happend and I"m not sure that it ever will.
I'm open to ideas. I think its something that really could be holding me back. and I'm glad i'm seeing the pattern finally.
Now obviously many will suggest therapy etc.. Got it and i might do that at some point but at the present moment its not an option.
Since i got sober I've been able to restore confidence in so many ways. and I'm much more confident now then i was.
That being said I'm noticing a pattern. When i'm faced with intereaction / confrontation with others in certain situations that slightly resemble traits of my abuser IE there personality or how things are being handled etc.. It tends to trigger that scared no confidence child in me. These folks then tend to basicly treat me as such. My solution so far has to just kinda been to shrug it off and accept this about me tho at times I get frustratred in how they tread me but I just cant seem to get past this beaten down scared kid inside of me thats terrified to stick his neck out. Terrified of the confrontation.
The odd thing is you put me in a situation where these traits or simlierirties to my abuser dont exist and I tend to function fine and less fear.
I've read some inner child stuff and am working on that kinda thing but alas not having a whole lot of luck.
Anyone else have any other suggestions to kinda get past this?
Confronting the abuser seems to help IE i confronted the one and that seems to have put that aspect of things to bed. and I feel better. But confronting the other abuser hasnt happend and I"m not sure that it ever will.
I'm open to ideas. I think its something that really could be holding me back. and I'm glad i'm seeing the pattern finally.
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Entering recovery is a difficult place. You've been living most of your life under the fog of alcoholism and once it clears is a shock like "Whoa, what is going on here?"
The best option is to get a solid sobriety plan in place. The real world is a tough place, and booze isn't the answer.
The best option is to get a solid sobriety plan in place. The real world is a tough place, and booze isn't the answer.
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It takes a LOT of time and a LOT of hard work. For me, therapy and body work (chiropractic - to release stored hurt and stress on a cellular level) and meditation, journaling and personal reflection.
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Your story strikes a chord with me. Like you, I seem to have a default setting anytime someone is slightly angry with me, I retreat back to the scared kid mode and shut down. I have been reading lots of articles on adult children and dissociation which is helping and been working on increasing my self confidence and self esteem issues. Everyday is still a work in progress, but I am so much better than I was even 2 months ago. I am no longer in contact with my abuser but I wrote them a letter, which I didn't send, then ripped it up, also gonna sound a bit daft but punching a cushion helped too, I just had to get all that anger out somehow.
I could see peace instead of this
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I've had this same problem.
For me it was huge just to even be aware of it--to see it happening and recognizing where my reactions were coming from. I first noticed it in rehab when a councillor confronted me about something in group and my ears just kind of shut off--I literally could not hear him. Later, it was my first husband-- we'd be arguing and when he raised his voice, I'd completely overreact into a blubbering mess of fear, even though he never did and never would physically harm me.
Years later, I had one supervisor who I was intimidated by so badly that I panicked whenever I had to be in a meeting with him and also started having nightmares that I eventually realized were pointing to the situation.
Like you, I actually got up the courage to have a conversation with him about it. I felt so backed into a corner that it was either that or quit my very well-paying job. I laid it out how I felt around him and he seemed surprised, but he began treating me better and we got along okay after that.
There have been other situations before and after that that I just didn't deal with--I'd avoid the person if possible; even while I knew that might not be the best solution, it was all I could manage at the time. The most recent one was with my doctor, who although younger than me has a kind of authoritarian attitude which caused us to butt heads. It wasn't easy and I had the same bad anxiety as before, but I did try explaining to him where I'm coming from. He was a little nicer to me after that, but the behaviour didn't really change so I've decided to move on and find another doctor.
I don't know what to suggest other than what if you put your feelings in writing concerning the person/people you have trouble with now? Same as one does with a past abuser. Not for them to see, just you. This situation was very different, but writing in a journal to my sister who had died really helped me to heal from that. I just talked to her as if she was still here and after about a year, I was able to let go of it and didn't feel the need to write anymore. It's just a thought, I don't know if it will help, but it might open the door to something else.
I've been doing yoga since last summer and was very surprised at the emotional release I get sometimes from it, similar to what Bunny mentioned regarding body work. Occasionally, I'll be doing some challenging posture and just burst into tears and have a definite feeling of something buried letting go. I feel more peaceful afterwards. It's helping me to care about and be more gentle with myself too, which makes me less willing to let other people control how I feel about myself.
Finding whatever works for you will be good because I know for me, it really sucks to be walking around feeling like a child in an adult's body.
For me it was huge just to even be aware of it--to see it happening and recognizing where my reactions were coming from. I first noticed it in rehab when a councillor confronted me about something in group and my ears just kind of shut off--I literally could not hear him. Later, it was my first husband-- we'd be arguing and when he raised his voice, I'd completely overreact into a blubbering mess of fear, even though he never did and never would physically harm me.
Years later, I had one supervisor who I was intimidated by so badly that I panicked whenever I had to be in a meeting with him and also started having nightmares that I eventually realized were pointing to the situation.
Like you, I actually got up the courage to have a conversation with him about it. I felt so backed into a corner that it was either that or quit my very well-paying job. I laid it out how I felt around him and he seemed surprised, but he began treating me better and we got along okay after that.
There have been other situations before and after that that I just didn't deal with--I'd avoid the person if possible; even while I knew that might not be the best solution, it was all I could manage at the time. The most recent one was with my doctor, who although younger than me has a kind of authoritarian attitude which caused us to butt heads. It wasn't easy and I had the same bad anxiety as before, but I did try explaining to him where I'm coming from. He was a little nicer to me after that, but the behaviour didn't really change so I've decided to move on and find another doctor.
I don't know what to suggest other than what if you put your feelings in writing concerning the person/people you have trouble with now? Same as one does with a past abuser. Not for them to see, just you. This situation was very different, but writing in a journal to my sister who had died really helped me to heal from that. I just talked to her as if she was still here and after about a year, I was able to let go of it and didn't feel the need to write anymore. It's just a thought, I don't know if it will help, but it might open the door to something else.
I've been doing yoga since last summer and was very surprised at the emotional release I get sometimes from it, similar to what Bunny mentioned regarding body work. Occasionally, I'll be doing some challenging posture and just burst into tears and have a definite feeling of something buried letting go. I feel more peaceful afterwards. It's helping me to care about and be more gentle with myself too, which makes me less willing to let other people control how I feel about myself.
Finding whatever works for you will be good because I know for me, it really sucks to be walking around feeling like a child in an adult's body.
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Originally Posted by Bunny211 
It takes a LOT of time and a LOT of hard work. For me, therapy and body work (chiropractic - to release stored hurt and stress on a cellular level) and meditation, journaling and personal reflection.
But i think its becuase shes going over some past injuries and its brining up the child neglect and such that took place and oddly its really helping me address some of it in a healthy way.
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Originally Posted by Culture
Your story strikes a chord with me. Like you, I seem to have a default setting anytime someone is slightly angry with me, I retreat back to the scared kid mode and shut down. I have been reading lots of articles on adult children and dissociation which is helping and been working on increasing my self confidence and self esteem issues. Everyday is still a work in progress, but I am so much better than I was even 2 months ago. I am no longer in contact with my abuser but I wrote them a letter, which I didn't send, then ripped it up, also gonna sound a bit daft but punching a cushion helped too, I just had to get all that anger out somehow.
i could have another boss who doesnt remind me of an abuser and its not an issue at all i interact just fine like a normal human being.
I want to figure out how to navigate the former in a healthy way.
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bird615 yep i got the exact same thing going on. it bothers me too . i notice it with my wife even too. I dont intereact right i cower and get really scared. I hate it. I"m glad i identify it now but it sliek ugg how to get past this. its so built in but I dont feel that its truely a part of me or a part of who i am. I do think its something i can work past.
its really good to know i'm not alone in this.
its really good to know i'm not alone in this.
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i wrote a letter too once. i never finished it. it was and still is a work in progress i dunno that i'll ever send it. and i cant be certain it helped to write it. But later on i noticed my wife came accross it in my files and she read it i think. I didnt like how that made me feel. but I didnt bring it up to her i jsut ignored it and acted like nothing happened.
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Originally Posted by Bird615
I love your Mooji quote in your signature, BTW.
Do you/can you see this situation that way?
Do you/can you see this situation that way?
I'm not sure I view my situation in regards to the abuse like that. at times I do however see my abuser as just another imperfect person trying to do what they think is right. Sure I might have been on the receiving end of there nonsense. But how this is grace for me? not so sure. Maybe my situation coudl have been far worse or maybe my sitution allows me to somehow be beneficial to another. Or maybe my situation and me breaking the cycle is why i got happy healthy kids now and not abusded beaten down ones.
A few times i tried to put myself in an abuser type role. tried to imagine doing to my kids some of the things that where done to me and i'd just well up and cry and wonder how anyone could live with themselves doing something like that. Its more then likely my abuser reeped what he sowed and that kinda is crappy for him.
that being said I also struggle to forgive this indivdual and put it to bed.
But the thing with the thread is how this specific aspet of it seems to hold me back in life or well have others wondering why i socialy intereact in sometimes an odd way. I get put down for it and such but i'm too afraid to explain to people whats really going on in my head.
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I don't have any advice to give on the abuse/abuser situation as I have not experience it ZJW, but I think you are definitely headed down the right path in addressing it and bringing it directly in front of you. As you mention you've definitely made progress in other areas, and you can do so here too. We can all learn to change the way we think over time, that is an undisputable fact.
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Ima gonna stick my neck out.
You need to deal with that inner coward. That's how I define myself.
I tend to run from confrontation. I have a toxic family member that I just have to walk away from in a lot of situations.
But, when it matters I force myself to face the situation and make them back down. Never fun, never easy, leaves me wrecked for a bit. I'm always better for the effort after.
Just my $.02
You need to deal with that inner coward. That's how I define myself.
I tend to run from confrontation. I have a toxic family member that I just have to walk away from in a lot of situations.
But, when it matters I force myself to face the situation and make them back down. Never fun, never easy, leaves me wrecked for a bit. I'm always better for the effort after.
Just my $.02
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Originally Posted by trachemys
Ima gonna stick my neck out.
You need to deal with that inner coward. That's how I define myself.
I tend to run from confrontation. I have a toxic family member that I just have to walk away from in a lot of situations.
But, when it matters I force myself to face the situation and make them back down. Never fun, never easy, leaves me wrecked for a bit. I'm always better for the effort after.
Just my $.02
You need to deal with that inner coward. That's how I define myself.
I tend to run from confrontation. I have a toxic family member that I just have to walk away from in a lot of situations.
But, when it matters I force myself to face the situation and make them back down. Never fun, never easy, leaves me wrecked for a bit. I'm always better for the effort after.
Just my $.02
But yeah this inner coward seems to only surface in certain settings where is somehow triggered because of the situations resemblence to my abuser. other wise i tend to do ok.
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This is an excellent thread, so thanks for sharing it, zjw.
I grew up in a very shaming (and highly alcoholic) household.
I developed very low self-esteem, which, of course, alcohol seemed to assuage, at least until it quit working.
My sponsor helped me with this quite a bit early on.
Perhaps it's my line of work (which is inherently adversarial), but I have grown to tell things like they are to people, even when rejection or a personal attack may result.
I don't go through life with a clenched fist (of anger and rage).
And I am forgiving and understanding (as in the St. Francis Prayer) with those I love or like and with most others.
I try to work the 11th step (trying to learn and do God's will all day long everyday) very hard.
Sometimes that means standing my ground in very challenging circumstances.
At the end of the day, though, I still fear rejection from people I love and whose opinions I value, (but not from anyone else) even though they never reject me.
It's hard in a verbal barrage, when a lot of ad hominem incoming fire seems to be coming my way, to make a studied assessment as to my response.
And fear and shame tend to me my initial responses.
A few weeks ago, I heard an excellent lecture on HSP'S (highly sensitive persons) at a conference I attended.
It seemed to be addressed particularly to me.
I bought the seminal book on the topic on Amazon (I'll find and post the name later), and I plan to read it.
If you meet the rather objective test for being a HSP, you apparently are one for life.
You can't successfully will yourself to not be one.
But there are recommendations to manage the condition (so to speak), at least according to the lecture I heard.
I plan to explore the topic further.
On balance, though, I don't behave in a shameful manner, and I no longer accept someone else's shame.
But the initial fear and shame are reflexive when I am being attacked (on a personal level and not in my profession (at the professional level, I give as good as I get)).
I grew up in a very shaming (and highly alcoholic) household.
I developed very low self-esteem, which, of course, alcohol seemed to assuage, at least until it quit working.
My sponsor helped me with this quite a bit early on.
Perhaps it's my line of work (which is inherently adversarial), but I have grown to tell things like they are to people, even when rejection or a personal attack may result.
I don't go through life with a clenched fist (of anger and rage).
And I am forgiving and understanding (as in the St. Francis Prayer) with those I love or like and with most others.
I try to work the 11th step (trying to learn and do God's will all day long everyday) very hard.
Sometimes that means standing my ground in very challenging circumstances.
At the end of the day, though, I still fear rejection from people I love and whose opinions I value, (but not from anyone else) even though they never reject me.
It's hard in a verbal barrage, when a lot of ad hominem incoming fire seems to be coming my way, to make a studied assessment as to my response.
And fear and shame tend to me my initial responses.
A few weeks ago, I heard an excellent lecture on HSP'S (highly sensitive persons) at a conference I attended.
It seemed to be addressed particularly to me.
I bought the seminal book on the topic on Amazon (I'll find and post the name later), and I plan to read it.
If you meet the rather objective test for being a HSP, you apparently are one for life.
You can't successfully will yourself to not be one.
But there are recommendations to manage the condition (so to speak), at least according to the lecture I heard.
I plan to explore the topic further.
On balance, though, I don't behave in a shameful manner, and I no longer accept someone else's shame.
But the initial fear and shame are reflexive when I am being attacked (on a personal level and not in my profession (at the professional level, I give as good as I get)).
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I was telling my therapist about arguments with my child and how I seem to regress to a 13-year old in the heat of the moment. He asked what might have happened when I was 13 that would sort of have me stuck there emotionally when things get really intense. So I told him the story of my abuse, and he explained what might have happened to cause ripples throughout my life. Take it or leave it, but here goes:
He says that when a person experiences trauma, a sort of schism is created. We have to survive, but our brains can't process adequately because we've lost trust in a fundamental and essential kind of way. So we sort of break ourselves off from development/connection. Not on purpose of course; it's a survival mechanism.
I'm not doing him justice, but this makes sense to me even while it is extremely consternating. For me, it leads back to "So you're just a child," in an accusatory tone rather than in a compassionate way. I think that's part of the deal and I need to learn to be kind to that kid who should've never been in the position of having to break to survive.
How to fix or get beyond that? For me, I think it's working with my therapist. If I didn't have a therapist I think I would (and still might) investigate those writings about the inner child.
He says that when a person experiences trauma, a sort of schism is created. We have to survive, but our brains can't process adequately because we've lost trust in a fundamental and essential kind of way. So we sort of break ourselves off from development/connection. Not on purpose of course; it's a survival mechanism.
I'm not doing him justice, but this makes sense to me even while it is extremely consternating. For me, it leads back to "So you're just a child," in an accusatory tone rather than in a compassionate way. I think that's part of the deal and I need to learn to be kind to that kid who should've never been in the position of having to break to survive.
How to fix or get beyond that? For me, I think it's working with my therapist. If I didn't have a therapist I think I would (and still might) investigate those writings about the inner child.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
zj, here's something I truly believe:
There is a monumental hero in all of us. There is a core being in each of us that is just waiting to stand up and be the real us.
We have had it beaten down by others and we have joined in the beatdown by drug abuse.
We don't think we deserve the cape we should be wearing. Yet, we are superheroes.
We can be all that.
There is a monumental hero in all of us. There is a core being in each of us that is just waiting to stand up and be the real us.
We have had it beaten down by others and we have joined in the beatdown by drug abuse.
We don't think we deserve the cape we should be wearing. Yet, we are superheroes.
We can be all that.
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Posts: 3,163
What a great thread.
For me its all part of the same thing. Something went wrong somewhere on the way to the rodeo and has had lasting repercussions on me in a variety of ways.
But I find that if I try to live my values its so much better. Not easy, but better.
For me:
Be on time.
Pay your bills. Send your bills.
Do your work on time.
Live with difficult emotions.
Do the right thing.
Do all of the above with love.
But at the end of the day, for me, I have always lived for the respect and love of other people and have molded my behaviour to try and get it, but then do everything possible to self sabatoge. Why? I have decided that getting to the why is not that important, its realising that my behaviour does not serve me or others.
So, now I am trying to live in the way I respect and love and trust the rest will happen. Really hard, but works when I get it right.
I am going to reread O's post often as I think her therapist has it. But growing up as an old person is hard, but better than never.
Thanks again for the great thread.
Find your inner batman, and robin.
For me its all part of the same thing. Something went wrong somewhere on the way to the rodeo and has had lasting repercussions on me in a variety of ways.
But I find that if I try to live my values its so much better. Not easy, but better.
For me:
Be on time.
Pay your bills. Send your bills.
Do your work on time.
Live with difficult emotions.
Do the right thing.
Do all of the above with love.
But at the end of the day, for me, I have always lived for the respect and love of other people and have molded my behaviour to try and get it, but then do everything possible to self sabatoge. Why? I have decided that getting to the why is not that important, its realising that my behaviour does not serve me or others.
So, now I am trying to live in the way I respect and love and trust the rest will happen. Really hard, but works when I get it right.
I am going to reread O's post often as I think her therapist has it. But growing up as an old person is hard, but better than never.
Thanks again for the great thread.
Find your inner batman, and robin.
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Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Excellent thread and advice. It's always important to address the alcoholism first but many folks are left with issues like this underneath.
Place me in any situation with my family of origin for example and I feel myself reverting to what I used to be within that family. With certain other people, or situations I can feel similar dynamics and it's been enlightening to look at why.
Growing past these problems is difficult and slow but it's possible.
As children, we learn to react to things in a certain way. But the brain of a child has no logic to understand what we're doing, or why...it simply doesn't have th capacity...developing brains are not wired up that way. So we have an emotional reaction without the accompanying logic to put that reaction in context. In my experience these reactions can last a long time in adulthood yet there is still an absence of logical thought to understand where the emotion comes from.
Therapy or counselling...specifically Transactional Analysis is IMO the way forward. Plus lots of patience, compassion, reflection and the ability to question ourselves and remain curious about what's really going on.
No person...in the past or present...ever has the power to make me drink. Or make me angry....or afraid. Bit finding out why I react to life as I do is a hell of a journey.
P
Place me in any situation with my family of origin for example and I feel myself reverting to what I used to be within that family. With certain other people, or situations I can feel similar dynamics and it's been enlightening to look at why.
Growing past these problems is difficult and slow but it's possible.
As children, we learn to react to things in a certain way. But the brain of a child has no logic to understand what we're doing, or why...it simply doesn't have th capacity...developing brains are not wired up that way. So we have an emotional reaction without the accompanying logic to put that reaction in context. In my experience these reactions can last a long time in adulthood yet there is still an absence of logical thought to understand where the emotion comes from.
Therapy or counselling...specifically Transactional Analysis is IMO the way forward. Plus lots of patience, compassion, reflection and the ability to question ourselves and remain curious about what's really going on.
No person...in the past or present...ever has the power to make me drink. Or make me angry....or afraid. Bit finding out why I react to life as I do is a hell of a journey.
P
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