Relapse so depressed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Relapse so depressed
So a month or so before I would have had two years I had a glass of wine. Then started drinking a bottle of wine a couple nights a week then switched to 2-3 nips a few times a week then started smoking pot daily until I found out I was pregnant in Oct
Stopped the smoking and the drinking
Then I caught my exabf/baby daddy smoking crack and shooting dope and cheating on me with other women, kicked him out 2 weeks ago and haven’t heard from him in about a week now
I am really ashamed to say I’ve drank 4 times since super bowl Sunday (the night I found out) 3 nips/airplane bottle each time except for the last time when I had 3 nips and a mixed drink at a restaurant
I’m 6 month pregnant and feel like such an **** head. My last drink was Thursday night.
I don’t plan on drinking again and I can still feel the baby moving and everything but who knows if I did damage
I’ve always had this voice in the back of my head that says I’m not a “real alcoholic” despite plenty of evidence to the contrary but if I wasn’t then why would I drink when I know it could harm my baby?
Because like they say in the big book then alcoholic has no defense against the first drink and netheir he nor any other human being can provide such a defense
I am really down on myself and ashamed. I haven’t admitted it to anyone except on here. This is not how I want to start my life as a mom
I know I need to go to meetings and do th steps (i never got past my 4th) and I do plan to do that but I just wonder what the point is sometimes, I haven’t felt this depressed or hopeless in a long time, and j attribute it very much to drinking
Thanks for listening. Heres to day 3. One day at a time
Stopped the smoking and the drinking
Then I caught my exabf/baby daddy smoking crack and shooting dope and cheating on me with other women, kicked him out 2 weeks ago and haven’t heard from him in about a week now
I am really ashamed to say I’ve drank 4 times since super bowl Sunday (the night I found out) 3 nips/airplane bottle each time except for the last time when I had 3 nips and a mixed drink at a restaurant
I’m 6 month pregnant and feel like such an **** head. My last drink was Thursday night.
I don’t plan on drinking again and I can still feel the baby moving and everything but who knows if I did damage
I’ve always had this voice in the back of my head that says I’m not a “real alcoholic” despite plenty of evidence to the contrary but if I wasn’t then why would I drink when I know it could harm my baby?
Because like they say in the big book then alcoholic has no defense against the first drink and netheir he nor any other human being can provide such a defense
I am really down on myself and ashamed. I haven’t admitted it to anyone except on here. This is not how I want to start my life as a mom
I know I need to go to meetings and do th steps (i never got past my 4th) and I do plan to do that but I just wonder what the point is sometimes, I haven’t felt this depressed or hopeless in a long time, and j attribute it very much to drinking
Thanks for listening. Heres to day 3. One day at a time
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi FF
isn't the point now to live a good happy life and be a good mom?
I hope you'll mention to your Dr that you drank - I know thats hard to do but you need to think of bub as well.
Going back to AA and gettign a sponsor sounds like a great idea
D
isn't the point now to live a good happy life and be a good mom?
I hope you'll mention to your Dr that you drank - I know thats hard to do but you need to think of bub as well.
Going back to AA and gettign a sponsor sounds like a great idea
D
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Fenway. I have always liked your monica. Fenway Faithful has such a nice ring to it.
Souns like you have figured out what you need to do but the want factor may be a bit lacking? "What's the point?"
When I became willing I couldn't have said what the point was either. Drunk was miserable, and sober was miserable too. So I started the steps with the sole desire to stop the misery. I guess they call that sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I was fairly well gone and didn't really click that drinking would have to stop,
but as I worked those steps to get rid of the misery and get some of what "they" had, the drinking seemed to stop on its own, and stayed stopped.
It is always darkest before the dawn. I have seen many good recoveries start from the kind of spot you are in. I am looking forward to you being another one.
God bless.
Souns like you have figured out what you need to do but the want factor may be a bit lacking? "What's the point?"
When I became willing I couldn't have said what the point was either. Drunk was miserable, and sober was miserable too. So I started the steps with the sole desire to stop the misery. I guess they call that sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I was fairly well gone and didn't really click that drinking would have to stop,
but as I worked those steps to get rid of the misery and get some of what "they" had, the drinking seemed to stop on its own, and stayed stopped.
It is always darkest before the dawn. I have seen many good recoveries start from the kind of spot you are in. I am looking forward to you being another one.
God bless.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
glad ya got honest,fenway and came back here.
I do plan to do that but I just wonder what the point is sometimes...
whats the point?!?!? whats the point?!?!?!? wellll, ill tell ya what the point is.....hold on......gotta find it.......its early and im slow....patience with me here,FF...aha!found it!
do you know what the promises are in the big book? not just the ones read at a lot of meetings, but ALL of the promises? there are promises associated with EVERY step. and they can happen inYOUR life.
the point is, you deserve them ALL to occur for you.
it works if ya work it so work it YOURE WORTH IT.
Friends of Bill W. - The Big Book Promises (all of them, so far)
I do plan to do that but I just wonder what the point is sometimes...
whats the point?!?!? whats the point?!?!?!? wellll, ill tell ya what the point is.....hold on......gotta find it.......its early and im slow....patience with me here,FF...aha!found it!
do you know what the promises are in the big book? not just the ones read at a lot of meetings, but ALL of the promises? there are promises associated with EVERY step. and they can happen inYOUR life.
the point is, you deserve them ALL to occur for you.
it works if ya work it so work it YOURE WORTH IT.
Friends of Bill W. - The Big Book Promises (all of them, so far)
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Fenway, i am glad you are reaching out for help. Going back to AA does sound like a good idea too. I'd also recommend seeing your doctor and being honest. This is not just about you anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
Fenway - I drank when I was pregnant. If you are a real alcoholic, willpower will not get you far in this illness. Sounds like you may already know that deep down. That voice that is saying you are not an alcoholic, contrary to all the evidence, is the obsession of the mind. The steps and a spiritual experience will remove that obsession.
Feel free to message me if I can help in any way.
Feel free to message me if I can help in any way.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Just go one day at a time and keep going. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Just don't drink again. Sounds like you didn't drink that much to harm the baby.
Just stay sober. It will get easier. Develop a plan and work it.
Just don't drink again. Sounds like you didn't drink that much to harm the baby.
Just stay sober. It will get easier. Develop a plan and work it.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
The main thing is you learn, adjust and keep moving forward. It's all part of battling this disease. I don't think anyone of us got it right the first time. Just learn what works and build on it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Thank you all for your replies.
I've had sponsors in the past. I used to go to meetings 5 times a week and had commitments, chaired meetings etc. I felt a lot better back then.
I always seem to start doing my 4th step then tap out.
Also I ALWAYS lets work becomes my number 1 priority and then everything else falls to the Wayside, which has been the case for the last year or so.
I am moving back to the Northeast soon from Florida and will have a 3 month waiting period before my daughter is born, I don't plan to work during that time but do plan to focus my time/energy on my recovery and hopefully doing the steps.
I am very stuck in the obsession right now and the cravings to drink have been insane. Obviously it's only mental as I haven't drank long enough to be physically dependent but the obsession has come back, as it does when we take that first drink.
I think it's going to be really tough for me to stay sober after DD is born unless I can recover from this state of mind which I know is possible through the steps.
I know AA isn't for everyone but I've seen it work and I do enjoy the meetings.
I've had sponsors in the past. I used to go to meetings 5 times a week and had commitments, chaired meetings etc. I felt a lot better back then.
I always seem to start doing my 4th step then tap out.
Also I ALWAYS lets work becomes my number 1 priority and then everything else falls to the Wayside, which has been the case for the last year or so.
I am moving back to the Northeast soon from Florida and will have a 3 month waiting period before my daughter is born, I don't plan to work during that time but do plan to focus my time/energy on my recovery and hopefully doing the steps.
I am very stuck in the obsession right now and the cravings to drink have been insane. Obviously it's only mental as I haven't drank long enough to be physically dependent but the obsession has come back, as it does when we take that first drink.
I think it's going to be really tough for me to stay sober after DD is born unless I can recover from this state of mind which I know is possible through the steps.
I know AA isn't for everyone but I've seen it work and I do enjoy the meetings.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I think AA is great and it's good to go to the meetings. In my experience it's not easy to find the right sponsor, but I'm planning to try again. I just don't know who to look for right now...
But this is about you. Have you thought about also seeing a therapist/psychiatrist about your state of mind? I do and it's enormously helpful even if I am kind of a mess still. What tomsteve says is right - you are worth it. You are worth getting healthy and you are most certainly capable of being a good mum.
O
But this is about you. Have you thought about also seeing a therapist/psychiatrist about your state of mind? I do and it's enormously helpful even if I am kind of a mess still. What tomsteve says is right - you are worth it. You are worth getting healthy and you are most certainly capable of being a good mum.
O
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I always seem to start doing my 4th step then tap out.
welp, reading the BB, which was published in 1939, i dont think thats unique or the writers wouldnt have mentioned it in different steps and ways. the seem to note quite a bit how self will destroys us
Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of , the things in ourselves which had been blocking us.
We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible.
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
welp, reading the BB, which was published in 1939, i dont think thats unique or the writers wouldnt have mentioned it in different steps and ways. the seem to note quite a bit how self will destroys us
Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of , the things in ourselves which had been blocking us.
We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible.
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
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