tnek97

Hi everyone.

I am over 15 months sober, and single. I have been single most of my life, though I've been through more first dates than I care to remember. I think a big part of my problem, was that I was dating and drinking. I didn't really know who I was, so how could I begin to get to know someone else.

I've spent a lot of the past year learning more about myself, and who I really am, and what I stand for. I feel it's time to get back out there and try dating now that more comfortable in my own skin.

But...every time I read a dating profile that mentions drinking, I get this flash of "he won't like me because I'm sober". Has anyone dealt with these thoughts when dating?

I think that I should look for other sober guys, though my close friends say I shouldn't limit myself like that.

biminiblue

Baby steps.

Little tiny, not-gonna-be-alone-with-you-for-a-while, certainly not getting jiggy with it anytime soon...

I don't mind spending time with drinkers, I mean dating should be fun and getting to know someone. I wouldn't move in with one or marry one - unless his idea of drinking was "a" glass of champagne on New Years and his birthday. Daily/every weekend drinkers? Hell to the no.

If it's on their online dating profile I'd take a pass, because that makes drinking seem a little too important.

Gottalife

My suggestion is to follow your conscience. If it seem right to you, there is no problem.

My experience is that two alkys together is not a great combination. One nutter in a relationship is enough. I definitely would not look for a sober alcoholic. My late wife was a very moderate drinker, hardly drank at all most of the time. The act of her consuming alcohol did not bother me in the least.

My most recent ex was exactly the same, as is my second wife. I first met both these ladies on line.

People lie their pants off on dating sites. It was hilarious how full there lives were. Great jobs, going to the gym, doing this and that, long walks on the beach, party party party, I used to wonder how they would find time to date, and if they dated me, how would I ever keep up?

So I put the truth in my profile. I don't drink or smoke, I like messing around in boats, animal lover, cooking, bit of a home body, and as far as fitness goes I can run two lamposts before getting the stitch. Actually now I can probably only run one!

I had some nice on line conversations with some, in fact I enjoyed that part of the process. Sometimes after talking a bit we would decide not to meet. Then one comes along and we click, and decide to meet. Meet during the day, go for a walk, have lunch, talk a bit and see how it goes.

They say the chances of a successful relationships on line are slim, but I think that may be because most people are not honest and their true selves get revealed later. I wouldn't be talking about alcoholism up front - why tell them about a problem that isn't a problem? - and in anycase most people don't understand about that. Get to know them a bit, and let them know the real you and deal with that subject later. That is about my experience for what it's worth. I wish you the best of luck.

entropy1964

I've spent a lot of the past year learning more about myself, and who I really am, and what I stand for.

Versus

I get this flash of "he won't like me because I'm sober".

So those two statements contradict each other. I can say from personal experience that I am definitely not ready to date until I am not at all concerned with what someone thinks of my recovery. I'm doomed if I start hiding it, rationalizing it, judging it etc. It's about absolute honesty with MYSELF. And of course if my recovery, and the lifestyle that goes with it, is P1, then spending time with someone for whom drinking is a hobby/lifestyle clearly doesn't make sense. Just be careful. There is no rush.

Done4today

I would say get out there and date since you want companionship. We learn from our experiences. You state you took the past 1.25 years to get to know yourself and your morals. Be prepared to not compromise them. No one has your interest at heart but you.

"he won't like me because I am sober" perfect move on to the next one. His opinion of you is none of your business. You want someone that respects you for your strength and resolve. They respect your decisions and fully support you.

I have been dating for the past year plus and reading dating profiles you develop a good filter. Good luck

tnek97

Very good point. I've only ever dated as a drinker. Dates were always centered around wine or drinks, etc. Now there is nothing to "hide behind", which is a bit scary, but also empowering.

This is who I am, take it or leave it.

Gottalife

I'm not sure I get the context of this, Be careful not to lead with the chin. Disclosing your previous drinking problem to someone who doesn't know you and doesn't know about alcoholism just puts you at a disadvantage.

You are not your disease. Infact the disease you suffered from may never trouble you again if you have truly recovered. Give the other person a chance to get to know the real you, rather than introduce uncertainty in their minds before you've even started.

Meeting in the daytime for coffee or lunch reduces the risk of alcohol even being present when you first meet.

paulokes

^ This meet for coffee or lunch, where drinking is not an issue.

It's a thorny subject...I very much identify with the thought that we get judged for not drinking. It shouldn't be this way and with the right person it won't be an issue. Also I have had to be careful with the thought or illusion that I am looking for the right "kind" of person to make things work.
.like "next time I'll day a non-drinker" or "next time I'll date a light drinker"...because then I stop seeing the other person as they are and they just become a concept.

Have fun but be careful and look after your heart...and your sobriety
P

Dropsie

I have never had this issue, and hopefully won't (got a nice guy that I hope to keep) but I can say that I never discuss my drinking problem outside of SR or in other similar fora, ever. Including with him, although he lived through some of it so knows.

All people know I don't drink.

Some people know that I used to drink.

Some people know that I have a drinking problem.

But I never discuss it with anyone who is not an addict. And never ever with people I have just met.

I also don't tell them that I used to smoke, that I don't exercise ever, that I procrastinate, not great with money, you get the point.

For me, and just for me, others have a different approach, those issues are to be shared with those who understand them and that I can help or they can help me.

For the rest, I keep the messy bits to myself, but I don't hide I don't drink and I don't make excuses, in fact, if I am asked I don't lie, but I also don't make a big deal out of it unless I feel its important to the relationship or can help them to know. I typically say that I stopped and then never started again because I realised how much easier life is, that I sleep better, don't miss the headaches etc. I am a lawyer and lots of folks come back with how they also don't drink or should try it as it does get in the way of 100% functioning. Surprising.

If I were to fall in love with someone, I would tell them at some stage that I don't drink for a reason and all the other stuff of relevance to our relationship, but why lead with that.

One of my favourite sayings is "love many, trust a few, always paddle your own canoe."

I agree with Mike that I would skip anyone who puts drinking at the centre of a profile, but other than that, I would put my toe in the water. You sound "ready"to me, and of course if you feel it is a risk, sobriety comes first.

Happy Valentines Day!

NYCDoglvr

In dating I found the only men who even noticed I wasn't drinking were active alcoholics. Newly sober it's shocking how little non-alcoholics drink. They can nurse a drink for half an hour, leave a glass half full. So in looking at the dating profiles separate the guys who focus more than normal on drinking from those who mention it in passing (like: "get together for a drink"). People mention wine to imply they're sophisticated. Remember, non-alcoholics don't get drunk, especially when meeting someone new.

At first I wanted to order a proper non-alcoholic drink. But twice when ordering "cranberry and club soda" I got cranberry and vodka (fortunately I didn't drink them. So I order Pelligrino or Perrier with a twist of lime.

You don't owe anyone an explanation of why you don't drink. Plenty of people are teetotalers. A good answer: I prefer club soda. Or, in a pinch, on medication.

Have fun! My sponsor said it best: "having a relationship is like throwing Miracle Grow on your character defects."

aasharon90

This is my ESH - experience, strength
and hope to pass on your way.....

When I place my faith in the Man
upstairs or my Higher Power, God
of my understanding, for guidance,
strength and understanding in all
areas of my life, which also includes
relationships, marriage, then I have
no need to worry about things.

I don't have to waste a minute of
worrying because i believe I will
be taken care of.

I had no idea what would happen
after my 25 yr marriage ended. So
using my program of recovery and
my faith to draw on, that door closed
and a new one opened and today
I celebrated my 9th wedding anniversary
to a wonderful man whom was placed
on my path to meet and become one
more blessing and gift provided from
Above.

August252015

Just curious.....why is it time? Is 15 mo a mark you had picked out, or something else prompted the "ok, I'm ready now"? Curious because I recall different points in life saying "OK, NOW it's time to date!" - and I didn't always make the best choices.

Take care of yourself.

tnek97

I don't know if I have a good answer for that. I certainly did not even entertain the idea of dating until recently. I was, and still am, focused on myself and on recovery, and on living life out from under the blanket of booze.

I also know I long for someone by my side.

Thanks for all the responses, everyone. I love this site, because of all the different view points. You've all raised great points, and made me say "oh, I didn't think of it that way" more than once.

shortstop81

Thanks Tnek for the thread - I always enjoy discussion about newly dating, because some day in the future I'll be in this position.

I have the "goal" of being able to date when I've been a year sober - that being the advice that AA members generally give me. But I'm sure it's more complicated than some arbitrary date, but rather when I can honestly say I'm ready and have the desire.

Stayingsassy

Gottalife

I laughed out loud at "one nutter in a relationship is enough."

Laughed again typing it. So true.