Emergency Brake (Day 130)
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
Emergency Brake (Day 130)
I've realized something,
This forum is the closest thing I've come to actually getting "help" in my sobriety. The thought of a group beyond this, a sponsor, a team.. I understand that I shouldn't drink and I also understand that it is best for me to not drink for both my mental & physical health. The fact that I have this understanding with myself, my family and friends makes me feel like adding additional factors or potentially diluting my understanding of my situation with others may cause me to lose a grip on everything that has worked, everything I've come to understand the last 130 days and just go back to the bottle.
The reason I fear this is because it's happened many times before and is actually why I go back to lots of addictions that I have such as junk food. I end up losing the basic concepts and understanding and when things get too complicated I just tend to let go, or "fall off the wagon" as people like to say.
Lately my understanding of why I shouldn't drink has been fading away. The problem here is I still understand the severity and potential dangers of going back to alcohol on a daily, or even semi-weekly basis. I understand it would be hard for me not to obsess over alcohol or my "fix" as I still do 130 days sober. I am almost feeling desperate for help, but this forbearing understanding that I will surely go back to drinking if I attempt further methods of abstinence truly horrifies me. It makes me want to press the Emergency Brake.
This Emergency Brake has been appearing in my dreams, various scenarios occur that I've been attempting to understand that have me slamming this Emergency Brake. What happens after I press the Emergency Brake is I wake up with intense confusion and curiosity on why these lucid and undesirable dreams continue coming. Most of them involving me being sober, but one was a horrifying one where I felt drugged and couldn't move my arms but needed to so badly that I actually realized in the dream I was dreaming and began to walk around my dream controlling what happened, eventually realizing hey it's time to wake up, then moments later waking up with a huge gasp for air and being back in reality.
I have a strong sensation that the progress I have made so far may be coming to an end. I believe that my mind is starting to legitimately torture me even affecting my dreams wanting what I know I can't have. I've had tenaciously unremitting thoughts of drinking lately. It's beyond anything I could imagine, basically everything I do, say or any situation I put myself in I'm thinking of a drink. I'm scared, unwilling to accept or commit to support as in my experience it only makes me worse.
I just want to stop having to press the Emergency Brake.
This forum is the closest thing I've come to actually getting "help" in my sobriety. The thought of a group beyond this, a sponsor, a team.. I understand that I shouldn't drink and I also understand that it is best for me to not drink for both my mental & physical health. The fact that I have this understanding with myself, my family and friends makes me feel like adding additional factors or potentially diluting my understanding of my situation with others may cause me to lose a grip on everything that has worked, everything I've come to understand the last 130 days and just go back to the bottle.
The reason I fear this is because it's happened many times before and is actually why I go back to lots of addictions that I have such as junk food. I end up losing the basic concepts and understanding and when things get too complicated I just tend to let go, or "fall off the wagon" as people like to say.
Lately my understanding of why I shouldn't drink has been fading away. The problem here is I still understand the severity and potential dangers of going back to alcohol on a daily, or even semi-weekly basis. I understand it would be hard for me not to obsess over alcohol or my "fix" as I still do 130 days sober. I am almost feeling desperate for help, but this forbearing understanding that I will surely go back to drinking if I attempt further methods of abstinence truly horrifies me. It makes me want to press the Emergency Brake.
This Emergency Brake has been appearing in my dreams, various scenarios occur that I've been attempting to understand that have me slamming this Emergency Brake. What happens after I press the Emergency Brake is I wake up with intense confusion and curiosity on why these lucid and undesirable dreams continue coming. Most of them involving me being sober, but one was a horrifying one where I felt drugged and couldn't move my arms but needed to so badly that I actually realized in the dream I was dreaming and began to walk around my dream controlling what happened, eventually realizing hey it's time to wake up, then moments later waking up with a huge gasp for air and being back in reality.
I have a strong sensation that the progress I have made so far may be coming to an end. I believe that my mind is starting to legitimately torture me even affecting my dreams wanting what I know I can't have. I've had tenaciously unremitting thoughts of drinking lately. It's beyond anything I could imagine, basically everything I do, say or any situation I put myself in I'm thinking of a drink. I'm scared, unwilling to accept or commit to support as in my experience it only makes me worse.
I just want to stop having to press the Emergency Brake.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
If I understand your post it sounds as though your AV is in high gear. Maybe I am being very simplistic here but nothing can make you drink. If you are 'talking yourself' into drinking, as I did then you need to detach from the thinking somehow. I am saying this and I relapsed myself......
Sometimes though I wonder if we can intellectualise our way into a relapse. I hope you will work through this.....my relapse was utterly miserable. I felt so stupid. Your post to me when I came back helped so much. So thank you and best wishes on staying the recovery journey.....
Sometimes though I wonder if we can intellectualise our way into a relapse. I hope you will work through this.....my relapse was utterly miserable. I felt so stupid. Your post to me when I came back helped so much. So thank you and best wishes on staying the recovery journey.....
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by calvinm16 
I've realized something,
This forum is the closest thing I've come to actually getting "help" in my sobriety.
....................
I'm scared, unwilling to accept or commit to support as in my experience it only makes me worse.
I just want to stop having to press the Emergency Brake.
This forum is the closest thing I've come to actually getting "help" in my sobriety.
....................
I'm scared, unwilling to accept or commit to support as in my experience it only makes me worse.
I just want to stop having to press the Emergency Brake.
The thing about being addicted is that you have to accept that it is a permanent part of you that can never be changed. You can absolutely get and stay sober, but that AV or addiction or whatever you want to call it is never erased from your mind. So you have to develop a lifelong plan to keep you on track. AKA...you will need to use the "emergency brake" forever. As you get more experience, you may only need to use it very infrequently, but you always have to be ready to pull it. Having a routine support group or method to follow helps you remember where the handle is...and why you need it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
The thing about being addicted is that you have to accept that it is a permanent part of you that can never be changed.
I'm just a little further down the line at 151 days and something inside has awakened the fear. Not acutely but it's there in the background rumbling away.
FORVEVER??????
Wow that's a daunting word. The only way I can cope with even that concept is to keep plodding each day and stay connected to SR like my life depends on it. It does.
I see my recovery as a journey which may meander in terms of my daily routine with it but it must never grind to a halt. I'm quite happy with my decision to use SR as my main source of support. It suits me. It keeps me safe. It fits in with my lifestyle and commitments.
BUT if I sense that my recovery needs more I'll do it.
We're saving our lives I have no doubt of that and I make sure I'm conscious of my sobriety every day as long as it needs.
Stay connected with us as much as you needs to. You may just need gentle tweaks to your support network but if you do need something substantially different we are here to support you.
Don't be frightened you are not alone xxx
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
I relapsed in novemebr after 4 months. I have this tendancy to get 4 or 5 months and blow it all for very similar reasons just getting fed up and giving up. Its like I forget that alcoholism is for life and uncurable. Get yourself back on track now and make this the one. Those 130 days are fantastic. Maybe read all your old posts. Believe deep down that you can break the cycle.
You came here to post thhis in a plea for help.
You know SR, everyone wants to help, but only YOU cand do the work.
Stay with us
Vinny.
You came here to post thhis in a plea for help.
You know SR, everyone wants to help, but only YOU cand do the work.
Stay with us
Vinny.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Just to continue on with what Scott said - that intense urge gets easier to dismiss and less urgent as time passes - but it isn't going to disappear forever.
I'm four years sober this time around. It still comes into my mind - drinking was how I dealt with everything. Boredom, joy, celebration, anger, days that end in Y.
I mean, there are some familiar neural pathways laid down with any repetitive behavior. That's why Tiger Woods hits 500 balls a day (or any athlete and their practice.) To ease that knee-jerk reaction it takes time.
Like I said on your thread yesterday, speeding toward a drink can only be stopped by you. I'm glad you at least recognize that there IS an emergency brake. That's what you need right now to keep from careening into the ditch.
I'm four years sober this time around. It still comes into my mind - drinking was how I dealt with everything. Boredom, joy, celebration, anger, days that end in Y.
I mean, there are some familiar neural pathways laid down with any repetitive behavior. That's why Tiger Woods hits 500 balls a day (or any athlete and their practice.) To ease that knee-jerk reaction it takes time.
Like I said on your thread yesterday, speeding toward a drink can only be stopped by you. I'm glad you at least recognize that there IS an emergency brake. That's what you need right now to keep from careening into the ditch.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I cut out everything but the first and last statements of your post to illustrate a point Calvin. You are actually accepting/committing to support here on SR...and that is likely why it is helping you. If you have never committed to or accepted your additction for what it is in the past, of course your experience will not be a good one...no matter what method/group you use.
The thing about being addicted is that you have to accept that it is a permanent part of you that can never be changed. You can absolutely get and stay sober, but that AV or addiction or whatever you want to call it is never erased from your mind. So you have to develop a lifelong plan to keep you on track. AKA...you will need to use the "emergency brake" forever. As you get more experience, you may only need to use it very infrequently, but you always have to be ready to pull it. Having a routine support group or method to follow helps you remember where the handle is...and why you need it.
The thing about being addicted is that you have to accept that it is a permanent part of you that can never be changed. You can absolutely get and stay sober, but that AV or addiction or whatever you want to call it is never erased from your mind. So you have to develop a lifelong plan to keep you on track. AKA...you will need to use the "emergency brake" forever. As you get more experience, you may only need to use it very infrequently, but you always have to be ready to pull it. Having a routine support group or method to follow helps you remember where the handle is...and why you need it.
Why is this poison allowed on every store shelf? I wish prohibition stayed a thing. What a horrid toxic drug alcohol is. It's legitimately ruined my life and now I have to live with it forever. I guess I need to just accept that some things about this addiction will never leave me like I hoped.
I really do appreciate your constant input Scott, your wisdom helps me make sense of things and feel a lot less alone in this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Just to continue on with what Scott said - that intense urge gets easier to dismiss and less urgent as time passes - but it isn't going to disappear forever.
I'm four years sober this time around. It still comes into my mind - drinking was how I dealt with everything. Boredom, joy, celebration, anger, days that end in Y.
I mean, there are some familiar neural pathways laid down with any repetitive behavior. That's why Tiger Woods hits 500 balls a day (or any athlete and their practice.) To ease that knee-jerk reaction it takes time.
Like I said on your thread yesterday, speeding toward a drink can only be stopped by you. I'm glad you at least recognize that there IS an emergency brake. That's what you need right now to keep from careening into the ditch.
I'm four years sober this time around. It still comes into my mind - drinking was how I dealt with everything. Boredom, joy, celebration, anger, days that end in Y.
I mean, there are some familiar neural pathways laid down with any repetitive behavior. That's why Tiger Woods hits 500 balls a day (or any athlete and their practice.) To ease that knee-jerk reaction it takes time.
Like I said on your thread yesterday, speeding toward a drink can only be stopped by you. I'm glad you at least recognize that there IS an emergency brake. That's what you need right now to keep from careening into the ditch.
Now that I think about my day to day, it has gotten much easier and typically I'm able to distract myself. I think the main thing I need to do is accept the emotions that I'm having like I accepted I'm an alcoholic. Acceptance instead of fighting it can help. The fact that others have never gotten rid of the urge to drink or the "emergency brake" feeling helps me realize that I need to just accept it and stop fighting it.
Kinda like we have to accept stupid stuff we've done in our pasts even though it might haunt us. You have to accept what you did was wrong and just prevent making that mistake again. One mistake I made was drinking alcohol and I plan to truly never drink it again. That is the dream, create healthy habits that give me the same type of high or enjoyment in life without numbing me out and causing other problems or stress.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by theVman31
I relapsed in novemebr after 4 months. I have this tendancy to get 4 or 5 months and blow it all for very similar reasons just getting fed up and giving up. Its like I forget that alcoholism is for life and uncurable. Get yourself back on track now and make this the one. Those 130 days are fantastic. Maybe read all your old posts. Believe deep down that you can break the cycle.
You came here to post thhis in a plea for help.
You know SR, everyone wants to help, but only YOU cand do the work.
Stay with us
Vinny.
You came here to post thhis in a plea for help.
You know SR, everyone wants to help, but only YOU cand do the work.
Stay with us
Vinny.
The problem with that was it stopped medicating my anxiety and instead it started amplifying it and causing other strange thought patterns and processes. I was legitimately going insane from alcohol I think.
Also I'm a very integral person and I do not take failure softly. If I were to drink the guilt and regret would surely consume me. Of course my AV would try talking me out of the regret & grief by telling me to drink more. LOL
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Your welcome Calvin. I hope you save those 130 days, they are precious.
I dont think i ever drank 1 - 2 in my whole life, no joking (20+ years of drinking)
Nope I was "blackout man". I never done anything in my life in small doses...
It was always head first into the wall pure self destruct mode get up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning searching for the whiskey bottle or another beer. Couple of months down the road whilst sober and healthy I would be winning trophies at my squash club... go figure.
Get all the help possible.
Post and read and come here as often as possible.
Remember when you dont give up you can not lose.
Keep jumping on that emergency break and dont forget you have it.
Reverse this train of thought : "I have a strong sensation that the progress I have made so far may be coming to an end. "
Have a good day
I dont think i ever drank 1 - 2 in my whole life, no joking (20+ years of drinking)
Nope I was "blackout man". I never done anything in my life in small doses...
It was always head first into the wall pure self destruct mode get up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning searching for the whiskey bottle or another beer. Couple of months down the road whilst sober and healthy I would be winning trophies at my squash club... go figure.
Get all the help possible.
Post and read and come here as often as possible.
Remember when you dont give up you can not lose.
Keep jumping on that emergency break and dont forget you have it.
Reverse this train of thought : "I have a strong sensation that the progress I have made so far may be coming to an end. "
Have a good day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by theVman31
Your welcome Calvin. I hope you save those 130 days, they are precious.
I dont think i ever drank 1 - 2 in my whole life, no joking (20+ years of drinking)
Nope I was "blackout man". I never done anything in my life in small doses...
It was always head first into the wall pure self destruct mode get up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning searching for the whiskey bottle or another beer. Couple of months down the road whilst sober and healthy I would be winning trophies at my squash club... go figure.
Get all the help possible.
Post and read and come here as often as possible.
Remember when you dont give up you can not lose.
Keep jumping on that emergency break and dont forget you have it.
Reverse this train of thought : "I have a strong sensation that the progress I have made so far may be coming to an end. "
Have a good day
I dont think i ever drank 1 - 2 in my whole life, no joking (20+ years of drinking)
Nope I was "blackout man". I never done anything in my life in small doses...
It was always head first into the wall pure self destruct mode get up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning searching for the whiskey bottle or another beer. Couple of months down the road whilst sober and healthy I would be winning trophies at my squash club... go figure.
Get all the help possible.
Post and read and come here as often as possible.
Remember when you dont give up you can not lose.
Keep jumping on that emergency break and dont forget you have it.
Reverse this train of thought : "I have a strong sensation that the progress I have made so far may be coming to an end. "
Have a good day
I drank heavily for a couple years but I was drinking moderatly (1-3 times a week) for about 5 years. Near the last 2 years of my drinking it was where I started drinking myself stupid. I would figure out how much craft beer got me a good heavy buzz and then I'd plan to purchase enough to hold that buzz. I liked to hold a just a buzz not really get wasted. If I got "wasted" where I was dizzy I'd end up throwing up almost every time if I didn't pass out. The fact I was planning out my beer purchase to figure out the buzz I want is how I knew I definitely had a problem with alcohol.
It's part of what makes it hard for me to quit because I start telling myself I wasn't bad off and just was desperate hoping that quitting alcohol solved all my anxiety & depression. Well I can say with confidence it has slightly reduced them, but definitely didn't help and wasn't even close to the answer.
I always procrastinate on seeing a psychiatrist and I refuse to see a therapist because I've seen several and therapy / talk therapy doesn't help me. I take comfort in knowing how things work and knowing what is truly wrong with me. It took me a LONG time to realize what was causing the panic attacks early off in life and I was actually able to understand what was happening (anxiety) which helped me stop them almost completely.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
"Acceptance instead of fighting it can help."
THIS is what helped me find what I would call my breakthrough! Once I accepted that I can no longer drink and I "choose" to not drink because my quality of life is so much better without booze, the obsession to drink lifted.
130 days is great...keep going. The only thing drinking again will give you is regret.
THIS is what helped me find what I would call my breakthrough! Once I accepted that I can no longer drink and I "choose" to not drink because my quality of life is so much better without booze, the obsession to drink lifted.
130 days is great...keep going. The only thing drinking again will give you is regret.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 26
I think the fact that you are posting here, shows that you genuinely want to be sober. I agree with what was said, that nothing can "make" you drink. In my opinion you are overthinking things a little bit. (No offense meant). Sometimes it's enough to just stay sober and do your daily routine/responsibilities. Sometimes if I overthink things, I convince myself that I am "destined" to relapse.
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