Relapse time, but I’m not relapsing
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I was the fixer and the General Manager for everyone.
I had a lot of fear about losing control - which was ironic considering how drink I got - but even that was a kind of control - a (futile) attempt at a controlled burnoff, or a a reset button if you will.
Making not wanting to see a Dr is one of those mixed/pride fear things?
Either way it's a behavior that does neither of us any good sassy - so no good reason to keep it, yeah?
D
I had a lot of fear about losing control - which was ironic considering how drink I got - but even that was a kind of control - a (futile) attempt at a controlled burnoff, or a a reset button if you will.
Making not wanting to see a Dr is one of those mixed/pride fear things?
Either way it's a behavior that does neither of us any good sassy - so no good reason to keep it, yeah?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy 
Guys, it’s really hard right now.
I usually drink again between months 2-4. It sucks at this time. Tired, craving, emotional, gaining weight, no energy, anhedonia....pushing through, pushing at the gym, pushing at work, doing all the Xmas Work, doing it all but not feeling any of it.
I usually drink again between months 2-4. It sucks at this time. Tired, craving, emotional, gaining weight, no energy, anhedonia....pushing through, pushing at the gym, pushing at work, doing all the Xmas Work, doing it all but not feeling any of it.
Sorry to hear that you are feeling down right now. But it is just a phase and as you say yourself, you simply have to get through it. In month 3 I also hit a wall and had significantl cognitive challenges, but now I'm getting close to month 5 and my energy has really ramped up!
On the 'drunkydrunkgirl' blog there's an entry called 'Into every life a little PAWS will fall' and there she talks about that challenging time:
"I journaled a lot. I felt sorry for myself a lot. But, I also just went through the motions, and there’s a LOT to be said for just doing what needs to be done. I made a lot of to-do lists, and then, finally stopped berating myself for not getting to much of what was on my list. I just didn’t drink. Sometimes I’d go to bed early; a lot of times I did only what needed to be done in terms of work (I didn’t make very much money last year–haha); I bitched to my boyfriend; I took long walks with my dogs (they are my “higher power,” I swear); I ate a lot of sweets; I drank a ****-ton of Diet Coke. There were treats in the form of trips and hikes and lazy days on the beach–which were sometimes (often) clouded by me feeling bad or guilty about taking time off to heal, or not being capable of enjoying the moment. It just takes time, and constant effort. But, mostly, it just takes doing it, and going through the motions. Believe me, you will NOT be going through the motions forever, even though you’re convinced that things will never feel good again and you might as well drink because there is NO WAY you’re not drinking and putting up with this **** forever."
So yeah, lol, you won't have to put up with this forever, although a little patience may still be required! Happy holidays and stay the course, you're doing fine!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Mac4711
Hi Sassy,
Sorry to hear that you are feeling down right now. But it is just a phase and as you say yourself, you simply have to get through it. In month 3 I also hit a wall and had significantl cognitive challenges, but now I'm getting close to month 5 and my energy has really ramped up!
On the 'drunkydrunkgirl' blog there's an entry called 'Into every life a little PAWS will fall' and there she talks about that challenging time:
"I journaled a lot. I felt sorry for myself a lot. But, I also just went through the motions, and there’s a LOT to be said for just doing what needs to be done. I made a lot of to-do lists, and then, finally stopped berating myself for not getting to much of what was on my list. I just didn’t drink. Sometimes I’d go to bed early; a lot of times I did only what needed to be done in terms of work (I didn’t make very much money last year–haha); I bitched to my boyfriend; I took long walks with my dogs (they are my “higher power,” I swear); I ate a lot of sweets; I drank a ****-ton of Diet Coke. There were treats in the form of trips and hikes and lazy days on the beach–which were sometimes (often) clouded by me feeling bad or guilty about taking time off to heal, or not being capable of enjoying the moment. It just takes time, and constant effort. But, mostly, it just takes doing it, and going through the motions. Believe me, you will NOT be going through the motions forever, even though you’re convinced that things will never feel good again and you might as well drink because there is NO WAY you’re not drinking and putting up with this **** forever."
So yeah, lol, you won't have to put up with this forever, although a little patience may still be required! Happy holidays and stay the course, you're doing fine!
Sorry to hear that you are feeling down right now. But it is just a phase and as you say yourself, you simply have to get through it. In month 3 I also hit a wall and had significantl cognitive challenges, but now I'm getting close to month 5 and my energy has really ramped up!
On the 'drunkydrunkgirl' blog there's an entry called 'Into every life a little PAWS will fall' and there she talks about that challenging time:
"I journaled a lot. I felt sorry for myself a lot. But, I also just went through the motions, and there’s a LOT to be said for just doing what needs to be done. I made a lot of to-do lists, and then, finally stopped berating myself for not getting to much of what was on my list. I just didn’t drink. Sometimes I’d go to bed early; a lot of times I did only what needed to be done in terms of work (I didn’t make very much money last year–haha); I bitched to my boyfriend; I took long walks with my dogs (they are my “higher power,” I swear); I ate a lot of sweets; I drank a ****-ton of Diet Coke. There were treats in the form of trips and hikes and lazy days on the beach–which were sometimes (often) clouded by me feeling bad or guilty about taking time off to heal, or not being capable of enjoying the moment. It just takes time, and constant effort. But, mostly, it just takes doing it, and going through the motions. Believe me, you will NOT be going through the motions forever, even though you’re convinced that things will never feel good again and you might as well drink because there is NO WAY you’re not drinking and putting up with this **** forever."
So yeah, lol, you won't have to put up with this forever, although a little patience may still be required! Happy holidays and stay the course, you're doing fine!
I love it, Mac. Thanks. There’s a part of me that wants to just sit here and do nothing. Doing all the things is really, really stressful right now.
I knew this about month 3. Thanks for helping to normalize it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
Guys, it’s really hard right now.
I usually drink again between months 2-4. It sucks at this time. Tired, craving, emotional, gaining weight, no energy, anhedonia....pushing through, pushing at the gym, pushing at work, doing all the Xmas Work, doing it all but not feeling any of it.
Husband...who is being a sweetheart and giving me tons of physical affection, lots of support, friendship, all of it....was saying “you’ve been dragging a little, you ok?”
At least he only thinks it’s a little....I am doing my life but I feel like I am face down in the dirt. going to make myself stay downstairs past 7 and try not to lie in bed so early, I just want to be in bed, but I have to fight a little harder to be present.
It’s hard to know what’s sobriety, and what’s just me dealing with all my usual life stress.
Drinking again has ceased to be an option, so I am just getting through, and I am going to make an effort to smile, and to try to be grateful for all the gifts I still have in life, and try not to bring everyone down.
I usually drink again between months 2-4. It sucks at this time. Tired, craving, emotional, gaining weight, no energy, anhedonia....pushing through, pushing at the gym, pushing at work, doing all the Xmas Work, doing it all but not feeling any of it.
Husband...who is being a sweetheart and giving me tons of physical affection, lots of support, friendship, all of it....was saying “you’ve been dragging a little, you ok?”
At least he only thinks it’s a little....I am doing my life but I feel like I am face down in the dirt. going to make myself stay downstairs past 7 and try not to lie in bed so early, I just want to be in bed, but I have to fight a little harder to be present.
It’s hard to know what’s sobriety, and what’s just me dealing with all my usual life stress.
Drinking again has ceased to be an option, so I am just getting through, and I am going to make an effort to smile, and to try to be grateful for all the gifts I still have in life, and try not to bring everyone down.
I woke this morning and said " No. Just No. I really don't want to deal today"
So I put on my running clothes while my head said all the "No's" and I went and did my workout. I listened to my head and all its chatter but stuck to my morning routine. My head loves to protest.
I got in my bed at 5pm tonight and I will stay here until the morning.
This too shall pass, SS. It really will. Keep close. Keep posting and keep being honest.
You got this.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
2-4 months was dangerous for me too. I was fresh out of the hospital and in IOP...i think i was in for almost 4 months...i can't remember now...anyway...i got to feeling a lot like you did.
I think what got me out of it was actually thinking my way through the consequences...like it's easy to put on paper....me+drinking=tornado of destruction. blah blah blah....
however, you know deep down if you get drunk all you'll wanna do is get sober when it starts to hurt again...and then you start over. a little more desperate- a lot more depressed and more hopeless too.
Every drunk is premeditated...you think of it and then you either react to it and kill the craving or you run with it and let it drive you nuts.
For me it was intense insomnia, wanting to sleep all day, feelings of total ambivalence towards recovery and everything in my life and s#it just felt flat. I hated that.
Almost in spite of myself i just went through the motions. People said"You've got this" and "you're right where you're supposed to be" well...maybe i don't have this and i feel like i'm really fu$king down right now. Almost in a morbid way, i embraced it....i stayed up for days at a time. I layed around the house.....i stopped showering for about 3 weeks...i just felt what i was feeling. fu%& it...better than being drunk.
Then one day it just stopped, and then I felt better.
Then it came back ...for about a year it was like this...and then the lulls and the flat affect started coming back for less and less time.
that's just life i think sometimes for us in early recovery.
I do want to make you acutely aware of one thing. You help A LOT of people here. I'm one of them. You have a certain wisdom about yourself that probably is of no real use to you, but i really have come to enjoy the things you share with people. Don't take that away from the world. That would suck.
ok i've run out of things to say except i hope you feel better soon.
I think what got me out of it was actually thinking my way through the consequences...like it's easy to put on paper....me+drinking=tornado of destruction. blah blah blah....
however, you know deep down if you get drunk all you'll wanna do is get sober when it starts to hurt again...and then you start over. a little more desperate- a lot more depressed and more hopeless too.
Every drunk is premeditated...you think of it and then you either react to it and kill the craving or you run with it and let it drive you nuts.
For me it was intense insomnia, wanting to sleep all day, feelings of total ambivalence towards recovery and everything in my life and s#it just felt flat. I hated that.
Almost in spite of myself i just went through the motions. People said"You've got this" and "you're right where you're supposed to be" well...maybe i don't have this and i feel like i'm really fu$king down right now. Almost in a morbid way, i embraced it....i stayed up for days at a time. I layed around the house.....i stopped showering for about 3 weeks...i just felt what i was feeling. fu%& it...better than being drunk.
Then one day it just stopped, and then I felt better.
Then it came back ...for about a year it was like this...and then the lulls and the flat affect started coming back for less and less time.
that's just life i think sometimes for us in early recovery.
I do want to make you acutely aware of one thing. You help A LOT of people here. I'm one of them. You have a certain wisdom about yourself that probably is of no real use to you, but i really have come to enjoy the things you share with people. Don't take that away from the world. That would suck.
ok i've run out of things to say except i hope you feel better soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by BullDog777
Almost in spite of myself i just went through the motions. People said"You've got this" and "you're right where you're supposed to be" well...maybe i don't have this and i feel like i'm really fu$king down right now. Almost in a morbid way, i embraced it....i stayed up for days at a time. I layed around the house.....i stopped showering for about 3 weeks...i just felt what i was feeling. fu%& it...better than being drunk.
Then one day it just stopped, and then I felt better.
Then it came back ...for about a year it was like this...and then the lulls and the flat affect started coming back for less and less time.
that's just life i think sometimes for us in early recovery.
I do want to make you acutely aware of one thing. You help A LOT of people here. I'm one of them. You have a certain wisdom about yourself that probably is of no real use to you, but i really have come to enjoy the things you share with people. Don't take that away from the world. That would suck.
ok i've run out of things to say except i hope you feel better soon.
I’m doing the above as well, at least the going through the motions part, sometimes I want to just lose it emotionally over having to go to work, or having to do some shopping or clean, i feel like I want to just start wailing. So everything, yes, everything that’s not lying on my bed eating sugar or other processed carbs du jour and looking at screens, makes me want to have a tantrum. I do them anyway, because i can’t stop my life at the moment....as much as I wish I could.
And thanks for that last part. I feel pretty strongly about what everyone goes through here. I’m going through it myself and it’s not for the faint of heart. We are brave men and women, here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
I do know what you are going through. I say, lay in bed if you want. Once you get tired of laying there then get up and do all the things.
I woke this morning and said " No. Just No. I really don't want to deal today"
So I put on my running clothes while my head said all the "No's" and I went and did my workout. I listened to my head and all its chatter but stuck to my morning routine. My head loves to protest.
I got in my bed at 5pm tonight and I will stay here until the morning.
This too shall pass, SS. It really will. Keep close. Keep posting and keep being honest.
You got this.
I woke this morning and said " No. Just No. I really don't want to deal today"
So I put on my running clothes while my head said all the "No's" and I went and did my workout. I listened to my head and all its chatter but stuck to my morning routine. My head loves to protest.
I got in my bed at 5pm tonight and I will stay here until the morning.
This too shall pass, SS. It really will. Keep close. Keep posting and keep being honest.
You got this.
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
SS my Friend,
Its hard isnt it.
Taking back the power.
The doubt... do I really want it.
If you listen to it you could be fooled thinking you can handle one or two glasses..... maybe i could enjoy another beer, one last single malt, a vodka, a tequila, a pernod, a guinness ...... what is true ? what is real ?
I dont even know how im getting by at the moment but im getting by.
Good god i know i have no rock bottom.........been there done that.
How could we even think of it eh ?
Jesus its mad isnt it accepting it.....
I mean its really mad, its the hardest thing i have ever done.
The hardest thing we will ever do...
But we have to do it. Dont we.
Dont give up on recovery.
Bisous.
V.
Its hard isnt it.
Taking back the power.
The doubt... do I really want it.
If you listen to it you could be fooled thinking you can handle one or two glasses..... maybe i could enjoy another beer, one last single malt, a vodka, a tequila, a pernod, a guinness ...... what is true ? what is real ?
I dont even know how im getting by at the moment but im getting by.
Good god i know i have no rock bottom.........been there done that.
How could we even think of it eh ?
Jesus its mad isnt it accepting it.....
I mean its really mad, its the hardest thing i have ever done.
The hardest thing we will ever do...
But we have to do it. Dont we.
Dont give up on recovery.
Bisous.
V.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I Found focussing on my own happiness was counter productive. The more I pandered to self, the unhappier I got. Then I heard this really radical idea, which I tried.
Do someone else a good turn, and don't get found out...
See how that makes you feel. (It is harder than it sounds)
Do someone else a good turn, and don't get found out...
See how that makes you feel. (It is harder than it sounds)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by theVman31
SS my Friend,
Its hard isnt it.
Taking back the power.
The doubt... do I really want it.
If you listen to it you could be fooled thinking you can handle one or two glasses..... maybe i could enjoy another beer, one last single malt, a vodka, a tequila, a pernod, a guinness ...... what is true ? what is real ?
I dont even know how im getting by at the moment but im getting by.
Good god i know i have no rock bottom.........been there done that.
How could we even think of it eh ?
Jesus its mad isnt it accepting it.....
I mean its really mad, its the hardest thing i have ever done.
The hardest thing we will ever do...
But we have to do it. Dont we.
Dont give up on recovery.
Bisous.
V.
Its hard isnt it.
Taking back the power.
The doubt... do I really want it.
If you listen to it you could be fooled thinking you can handle one or two glasses..... maybe i could enjoy another beer, one last single malt, a vodka, a tequila, a pernod, a guinness ...... what is true ? what is real ?
I dont even know how im getting by at the moment but im getting by.
Good god i know i have no rock bottom.........been there done that.
How could we even think of it eh ?
Jesus its mad isnt it accepting it.....
I mean its really mad, its the hardest thing i have ever done.
The hardest thing we will ever do...
But we have to do it. Dont we.
Dont give up on recovery.
Bisous.
V.
It’s this loooong healing time. I want to have the ease in life again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by theVman31
SS my Friend,
Its hard isnt it.
Taking back the power.
The doubt... do I really want it.
If you listen to it you could be fooled thinking you can handle one or two glasses..... maybe i could enjoy another beer, one last single malt, a vodka, a tequila, a pernod, a guinness ...... what is true ? what is real ?
I dont even know how im getting by at the moment but im getting by.
Good god i know i have no rock bottom.........been there done that.
How could we even think of it eh ?
Jesus its mad isnt it accepting it.....
I mean its really mad, its the hardest thing i have ever done.
The hardest thing we will ever do...
But we have to do it. Dont we.
Dont give up on recovery.
Bisous.
V.
Its hard isnt it.
Taking back the power.
The doubt... do I really want it.
If you listen to it you could be fooled thinking you can handle one or two glasses..... maybe i could enjoy another beer, one last single malt, a vodka, a tequila, a pernod, a guinness ...... what is true ? what is real ?
I dont even know how im getting by at the moment but im getting by.
Good god i know i have no rock bottom.........been there done that.
How could we even think of it eh ?
Jesus its mad isnt it accepting it.....
I mean its really mad, its the hardest thing i have ever done.
The hardest thing we will ever do...
But we have to do it. Dont we.
Dont give up on recovery.
Bisous.
V.
It’s this loooong healing time. I want to have the ease in life again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Gottalife
I Found focussing on my own happiness was counter productive. The more I pandered to self, the unhappier I got. Then I heard this really radical idea, which I tried.
Do someone else a good turn, and don't get found out...
See how that makes you feel. (It is harder than it sounds)
Do someone else a good turn, and don't get found out...
See how that makes you feel. (It is harder than it sounds)
The only thing I do for myself during waking hours is the gym: the rest is literally for everyone else. Parents, adult kids, younger kid, my husband, my work....everyone else gets it all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Dee74
I was the fixer and the General Manager for everyone.
I had a lot of fear about losing control - which was ironic considering how drink I got - but even that was a kind of control - a (futile) attempt at a controlled burnoff, or a a reset button if you will.
Making not wanting to see a Dr is one of those mixed/pride fear things?
Either way it's a behavior that does neither of us any good sassy - so no good reason to keep it, yeah?
D
I had a lot of fear about losing control - which was ironic considering how drink I got - but even that was a kind of control - a (futile) attempt at a controlled burnoff, or a a reset button if you will.
Making not wanting to see a Dr is one of those mixed/pride fear things?
Either way it's a behavior that does neither of us any good sassy - so no good reason to keep it, yeah?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I thought I might have been close to the bullseye there
Honestly, I think I'm of more service now that I've instituted boundaries and have taught myself only to take responsibility for the things that are mine to deal with.
If I'm an engine, I'm well maintained and serviced now...not running on overdrive and breaking down repeatedly...
D
Honestly, I think I'm of more service now that I've instituted boundaries and have taught myself only to take responsibility for the things that are mine to deal with.
If I'm an engine, I'm well maintained and serviced now...not running on overdrive and breaking down repeatedly...
D
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