Done4today

Good job SB,

As an alcoholic, I had many experiences where I messed up and was given 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc chances. And strangely enough I took them all until they ran out. I always got whatever back and I returned to drinking because I have a horrible forgetter.

I am happy to hear that your circumstances are improving quickly with the love of your life. I pray that you stick to your plan and work on your sobriety so that everything you've promised yourself and your wife can be attained. Please believe me that your life will be significantly better without booze. All you need to do is stick to your daily plan, add a sobriety program and everything will improve. Good luck SB

Stayingsassy

Back in the marital bed with wife and dogs! Small blessings

tomsteve

good on ya. its the steps we take, not the meetings we make, that help us recover.

a line from the big book, which you might hear at the opening of a meeting:
here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery:

JudicatorPanzer

Gratitude lists are always good for me. Or just write and keep writing without thinking I forget what that's called there's a name for it.

SaturdayBlues

I missed my post this morning and I missed the gym this morning. I feel ok about that because I actually caught up on some sleep. But I did have it in my plan to post every morning and every night and I missed that because I was so elated with things going better with my wife. On the long drive home from work today, I thought about how important it is to stick to my plan because when things are going well is the time when we're most likely to do something stupid.

Here's my post for tonight and I will try not to miss tomorrow morning. I hope you all have a wonderful night.

SaturdayBlues

Stream of consciousness is what I think you're looking for. Good advice...thanks!

Stronger2017

Happy to hear things are looking up.

JudicatorPanzer

Yes that's it!

SaturdayBlues

Slept a reasonable amount again. I could get used to that, but had to leave for work before I got a chance to post. Things are going well. I missed the gym, which is bad, but I will for sure make it tomorrow morning. I am going to pick up my guitar tonight and have been having a good evening with my wife. I did have a craving, or maybe more of a passing thought while I was at work today, but I never made it over to the store to act on it. One more good day . Hope everyone else is having a good one.

waynetheking

Keep working your plan and don't drink. Not part of your plan. Plan on having a great life while working your plan. Keep going man. Your doing fine.

DontRemember

Now that things are on the mend with the wife don't get complacent with your recovery plan. That was always my biggest thing when trying to quit/stay quit. I'd rebuild everything I tore down and just tear it all down again..You only get so many chances with people,before the loss of trust and resentments are too great to overcome.

Stayingsassy

This.

At some point the family sort of starts to relax about things. This doesn’t mean it’s time to drink.

Sometimes the quit is easier when they are still a little scared and angry.

SaturdayBlues

Thanks for all the encouragement. I'm 100% back on plan this morning. Had a challenging workout, got my ducks in a row this morning. Sticking to my diet. Feeling good. Also, with your recommendations and advice, I'm staying guarded about relaxing too much. These posts remind me that I have to stay on top of my plan and don't put myself in a position where I fail to make a good decision again.

Have a great day!

Dee74

you too SB

D

Stronger2017

Happy to hear you’re doing well.

Hawkeye13

Your plan will "normalize" into a new routine in a month or so.

Glad things are going well. I agree with others--when you start to think
"I've got this" and the spouse begins to forgive, and things get more "normal"

That is the most dangerous time of all for relapse--the "just one" or "I know I can control it" kicks in.
That's when vigilance is critical.

You can do it!

SaturdayBlues

Guess who hasn't posted and fell off the wagon and screwed up everything I had fixed? It's like there's a part of my brain that operates completely independently from the rest of who I am. When I was posting, I think I felt more in control because I was facing it every day. When I stopped, I think I let that part take over again. I initially lied, then thought better of it and owned up. I think that's a good thing, but not good enough to undo the hurt I caused. Doubling down with the drinking and the lie. When am I going to get control? I have nobody to blame but myself. I had a plan that was working. I let life get away from me and interrupt my conscious, methodical approach to not do this crap anymore. I took everything I had done right and threw it out the window for a drink. I wasn't even stressed. I had no reason other than a compulsion that I can't passively control. I have to actively control it. I have to put aside the time to deal with this every day. I have to make the decision not to drink before the opportunity presents itself (or I create it). I have to make that decision every morning and every night. Every time I let it go and feel in control, some totally screwed up sliver of my psyche reaches out and if I didn't already plan the day with a decision to begin with, by that time, it's too late. I know she's tired of the hurt and the lies. I am so, so tired of hurting her and hurting me and covering up and living this way. So, back to the plan. But something else has to break loose too. I had a glimmer of it a little while back. I wrote a diatribe about it, but I never went back and reread it until right now. I think it's the missing piece. I'll talk to my therapist about it, but that won't happen until Monday. I have to live tonight and tomorrow and get back on my plan. I have to become more dependent on it than I am on anyone or anything, especially alcohol. I feel well and truly broken and something in me keeps sabotaging everything when it's going its greatest.

Tell me, does anyone else get triggered when everything relaxes? I worked over 70 hours this week. It was extremely high stress. I didn't post here and didn't make my daily affirmations/decisions. But, I was so focused, that it didn't matter. I had a similar situation with my last stupid decision. As soon as I wrapped things up and removed the biggest stressors in my life, there was an empty space that I had longed for. The chance to not stress on all these things. So how did I celebrate and enjoy it? By making the bad decision I had managed to avoid all week. All I wanted, every day, was that break. Was I secretly wanting that drink and looking for the excuse that I don't have to work, everything I have to do today is low-key, easy, doesn't require a lot of focused thought, why not get that feeling back that I get when I drink? I don't know. It's hard to process when you're feeling emotional about it. I know it shouldn't be this hard. I don't have a physical dependency anymore (of the withdrawal type, anyway). But somewhere in my brain, alcohol fulfills a desperate need that I still haven't found another way to address. To my own discredit, with the risk to my marriage to the one person in the whole world that I truly love, I haven't managed my life well enough to control this one stupid thing. It should be so easy, shouldn't it? Any rational person not in my condition wouldn't be able to understand it. I get how she feels. Especially when she has to worry about whether I am telling the truth. Or when she feels bad for asking if I drank because I get defensive and deceptive. Now I'm rambling. I guess I just needed to vent. And, I needed to get back on my plan and think through all this ugliness to build some foundation for making better decisions.

SaturdayBlues

You would think with all this advice, I'd learn something. We must have the same brand of forgetter. Thanks for your understanding. Now I just gotta figure out how to fix it or get a new one.

SaturdayBlues

I'm so living this right now.

Gottalife

In my experience triggers don't really exist. There is nothing external that made me drink other than being conscious and having the time and the money. Eliminating triggers therefore is an exercise in futlity. Even if they do exist, we can't hide from them all.

The problem for alcholics of my type is the lack of a 24/7 effective mental defense against the first drink. The circumstances of that fatal first drink can be anything, happy, sad, stressed or relaxed, tired or alert. It doesn't matter. Many relapses happen in the most casual way. Wrong question "would you like a drink?" Wrong answer (after thinking briefly that I've been dry for a while and probably one won't hurt - all done in a second, that is if there is any thought at all) wrong answer "Yes please". And all bets are off.

As we say in AA, the main problem is therefore, in the mind. We can't rely on our memory to protect us, we have to find a better way. I could not even hold the (traumatic) memory of 24 hours ago to prevent me drinking. Such thoughts, if they occur are easily dismissed by alcoholic mind. I had the very best reasons for stopping, yet I could not.

I followed your thread and thought what has been happening to you is quite common among us alcs. I would reach a point of crisis and have to face the demons. Maybe not all, but the immediate ones. I would realise that I was in trouble and for a short time I was willing to do anything. I could get a pretty good feeling through this time as the fighting had stopped, at least temporarily.

I picked that up in your posts. You were even willing to go to AA. But then we start to feel a little better, the ego begins to reassert itself, and before we know it, the fight is back on. "I'm ok now, I don't need this or that (AA dropped off the schedule very quickly), people start to get irritating - they can't do that, you can't talk to me that way, they don't appreciate what I do, I'm too busy/too important for this or that, and then, out of no where, a drink appears and down it goes without much thought of the consequences.

That is just a rough outline of how it is for many alcoholics like me. The answer then must be in somehow changing how we react to life, so we can be more in harmony than in conflict, a design for living that really works. In A way that is what AA is. It wasn't for me of course, until I realised that my own ideas were not working and it would be a lot less painful, and have a greater chance of success, if I followed a proven plan.

That was a while ago and the most amazing thing is that sobriety for me has not been about not drinking. It has been all about living in such a way that alcohol is no longer required. It is just redundant.