SaturdayBlues

That makes sense. All of what you're saying does ring true with me. I have to get on a proper, formal plan with in-person support. I have to make the time to do it.

SoulShine8

SB I am glad you got back up and are still going. You have a plan and it was working, maybe some tweaking needs to be done or not.
Part of my plan includes when I start feeling good or that I'm ok and forgetting to focus on sobriety. In the past those are prime times that I went down the rabbit hole ....and then kept going. Those emotions and also the HALT feelings are things that I am trying to be so aware of in my new life. Best wishes.

SaturdayBlues

Just got back from my first meeting. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I think it was a good step. I know I have a long way to go, probably the rest of my life. I think I'm coming to the realization that "easier" is not something that is going to ever happen. As soon as things become easier, they become less important and something that I have control of slips away. I'm ok with that, I just have to focus on what is right in front of me and not drink.

SaturdayBlues

I'm 30 pages into the book they gave me. I've stayed busy (they recommended that), but still found pauses and being determined to not drink seems to make me think about it even more. So in those spaces, I read. I'm going to try to get to page 164, which is what they recommended at the meeting this morning. I'm going to try to hit another meeting tomorrow and keep it up for a while.

SaturdayBlues

75 pages in. I'm learning that I'm not so special in my alcoholism. And I see a glimmer of hope that I'm going to break the insane cycle I have been practicing for so long. Still trying to stick to my plan. I'm heading to the gym. Make it a great day!

Stronger2017

Thanks for the update SB. I’m glad your meeting went well.

SaturdayBlues

Two meetings in two days. I've learned a lot in two days. Just the rest of my life to go. It's good to talk to people who understand and can help me stick to the plan. This group here has been very helpful too. Thank you all. It definitely feels more doable with support.

SaturdayBlues

Couldn't make a meeting today, but did talk to my sponsor on the phone. Silent treatment at home, but she did text me that she loves me once. Reading the big book and trying to stay positive. The meetings really help. I'm going to try not to miss any more for a while.

Obladi

SB,

I just got caught up on your story and man, can I relate. I've been the victim of thinking I'm unique (which I am) and special (which I am), never realizing just how common my addictive behaviors and thinking are.

It is a relief, isn't it? Knowing that this disease or condition or whatever-you-call-it is definable, knowing that others can understand our particular brand of crazy, knowing that others have found their way out.

Stick with your plan - don't try, do. I'm glad you're reading the book and going to meetings. Read it again with highlighter in hand and keep on with meetings as often as you can get there. It helps.

Best wishes from a Common Chronic Relapser,
O

Dropsie

SB,

We all have been there.

For me it was all about finally emotionally accepting fully that I was really addicted and that I could never drink again, full stop. Once I got there, I could do it, because there was no other option. Drinking without the dire consequences was never going to happen again.

You said you like to read books and I love Peter Michaelson's book "why we suffer". If you have not read it, I highly recommend it.

I was I was just saying over on Obladi's great string, IMO he nails it. It is not specifically geared at addiction, although he has written expressly about addiction, but his general work also speaks to everything addicts do (and other forms of self sabotage) in a way that speaks to me totally.

His bottom line is that for some reason at a young age we attached to the negative emotion felt when we do something wrong, whether it be pain, shame, guilt. And we then go through life unconsciously creating situations that recreate the negative emotion.

Crazy, but for me totally true. And now that I see it, I can address it straight on.

I love Mike's post, as usual he too nailed it. We are addicts. That will never change, Ever. We will have triggers. That too will never change. But over time we build a life where acting on the triggers by drinking is simply off the table. For me, this has meant finding other ways to self sabotage, but that is another story.

Just keep on keeping on. You will get there. We all want more pats on the back, atta boy, etc but when I realised that they did not owe me anything, I had created this mess and I would solve it, that was when the healing began.