Meeting queries
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Meeting queries
Morning everyone,
Going to a meeting today, last week was my first one and I struggled to get any words out as my emotions got in the way. I don't want to turn up today and not say anything but I'm wondering would it be odd if I wrote down parts of my reasons for being there incase i get choked up again? Or would that just be odd.
Thanks
Going to a meeting today, last week was my first one and I struggled to get any words out as my emotions got in the way. I don't want to turn up today and not say anything but I'm wondering would it be odd if I wrote down parts of my reasons for being there incase i get choked up again? Or would that just be odd.
Thanks
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Hey LPG,
Writing down your thoughts would be perfectly acceptable. I have seen many people do it for many different reasons. Remember that you can just say pass too if you don't feel like talking.
Good luck
Writing down your thoughts would be perfectly acceptable. I have seen many people do it for many different reasons. Remember that you can just say pass too if you don't feel like talking.
Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 983
Thanks for the replys. I wrote down the key points just to prompt me I know my mind will go completely blank and I will burst into tears.
I didn't think I was so emotional about talking about. Praying I can find some strength today.
Feeling good though, I have so much energy the last few days it's incredible. Still filling my face with bad snacks but I really don't care right now Aslong as it's not alcohol. Thanks again for responding
I didn't think I was so emotional about talking about. Praying I can find some strength today.
Feeling good though, I have so much energy the last few days it's incredible. Still filling my face with bad snacks but I really don't care right now Aslong as it's not alcohol. Thanks again for responding
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Just out the meeting. Was good everyone is lovely. Had my little piece of paper with my 'reasons I'm here' do you think I could read it... Could I heck. I'm completely fine until I have to say the words i nearly bolted out the door but forced myself to stay.
One guy put me ah ease saying it took him 6 meetings to say a word so they made me feel better. I'll keep going 🔙 I will get there and start sharing.
One guy put me ah ease saying it took him 6 meetings to say a word so they made me feel better. I'll keep going 🔙 I will get there and start sharing.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Do whatever works for you. From my POV at just over two years back in AA here is my personal reaction to a new member who is overcome with their situation.
I remember when I was new. I remember how tough it was. I realize how much better my life is today and most importantly I silently thank the newcomer for sharing because what a newcomer shares in the raw emotion is something I need to hear. This is something only a newcomer can bring to a meeting and I greatly appreciate whatever they say.
I remember when I was new. I remember how tough it was. I realize how much better my life is today and most importantly I silently thank the newcomer for sharing because what a newcomer shares in the raw emotion is something I need to hear. This is something only a newcomer can bring to a meeting and I greatly appreciate whatever they say.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
LPG,
Remember when sharing it's not a 5th step. The big book says we share in GENERAL what is was like, what happened and what we are like now. You don't need to share about the stupid stuff we all did while drunk or cheating on a spouse. I qualify myself by talking about how once I start drinking I lose control to stop.
Remember when sharing it's not a 5th step. The big book says we share in GENERAL what is was like, what happened and what we are like now. You don't need to share about the stupid stuff we all did while drunk or cheating on a spouse. I qualify myself by talking about how once I start drinking I lose control to stop.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
I always have a notebook at AA meetings. I write down my thoughts the whole time and when it is my turn to speak I refer to my notes.
My sponsor always tells me he just speaks from his heart because God puts the thoughts in his head. But he has 33 years sobriety so he knows his stuff.
My sponsor always tells me he just speaks from his heart because God puts the thoughts in his head. But he has 33 years sobriety so he knows his stuff.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
I’d do what ever you need to do to get your thoughts out!! I’ve seen people read off a paper they wrote down.. sharing is healthy, please keep it up!!
You’re growing, that’s what it’s all about!! Get out what ever you need to get out!! It’s healthy!! Kudos to you!!
Great post, great work, keep it up and keep sharing! Wishing you the best!!!!
You’re growing, that’s what it’s all about!! Get out what ever you need to get out!! It’s healthy!! Kudos to you!!
Great post, great work, keep it up and keep sharing! Wishing you the best!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Thanks for all the replys. Guys I woke up thinking I don't know if AA is where I'm supposed to be. I haven't been completely upfront about my situation with myself or explained the full story. When I'm listening to people in AA there drinking sounds alot more than mine.
Last year when I first decided I needed help I was drinking every second day, I then ended up signed off work for 2 weeks and I decided to calm my drinking habit (I was extremely unwell) I took up smoking cannabis. Sure enough I began drinking again but only on weekends and I managed to control my drinking urges mid week by using canibass. I can still function the next day after smoking whereas alcohol I can't, I would lose my job. So I spend weekends blackout drug and midweek high on weed. And my habit of smoking is still active now.
I'm so lost wondering if aa is right for me now.
I need to start being completely honest iv been scared to mention my weed habit as I know it has to stop but I'm worried stopping both is too much at one time.
Last year when I first decided I needed help I was drinking every second day, I then ended up signed off work for 2 weeks and I decided to calm my drinking habit (I was extremely unwell) I took up smoking cannabis. Sure enough I began drinking again but only on weekends and I managed to control my drinking urges mid week by using canibass. I can still function the next day after smoking whereas alcohol I can't, I would lose my job. So I spend weekends blackout drug and midweek high on weed. And my habit of smoking is still active now.
I'm so lost wondering if aa is right for me now.
I need to start being completely honest iv been scared to mention my weed habit as I know it has to stop but I'm worried stopping both is too much at one time.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
sounds like you're doing what many of us do when we stop drinking and don't get ourselves some tools for sobriety - and that is just transfer our addictive behaviour and act out in other ways.
Maybe just keep going and try to stay completely clean (no false crutches) and focus on listening for the similarities rather than worrying about saying anything.
My AV tried constantly to tell me that I didn't really need to stop drinking - after all I wasnt as bad as some others. Thing is, my drinking still made my life unmanageable and I'd still ended up hating myself. I didn't really think I was alcoholic enough to need to work a recovery plan until I'd stayed sober 6 months and almost driven myself insane through my own hard-headedness.
Yes - many people in AA had much lower bottoms (tee hee) than me. But when I really started listening, what we drank, and where and with who really wasn't the important part of their stories. The important part was what they WERE like (how they felt and acted out), what happened (how they managed to change) and what they're like now. How many bottles or pints really is besides the point to a degree. Only the first step mentions alcohol. All the others are focussed on learning how to be who a person we can learn to love. How to ditch the not-enoughness, the restlessness, irritability and discontentment without acting out (with drugs, alcohol, gambling, risky behaviour, sex, or other compulsive tendencies).
I had other issues as well as alcohol as well. And there are 12-step groups for those things as well, but in my area they are few and far between. So I stuck with AA as my mainstay, but when I work the steps I also bear those other compulsions / false crutches in mind. That being said, I know plenty of folk in AA who are also regulars at NA and enjoy both.
I reckon this could be more fear talking to you than reason, as you're yet to feel comfortable in meetings (that will come through time). I remember feeling like the odd one out as everyone else knew each other so well. But chatting to folk before and after meetings, helping set up and clear up would soon help you get used to others there. Why not ask what time they unlock and start setting up and offer to help put the chairs out with them? That way you can have a bit of a quieter time to chat, and opening up and being honest will be easier. I remember being really taken aback by the level of honesty in the rooms, and just 'knowing' I'd never be able to be as open. Trouble is, that was my good old AV whispering its negativity at me yet again. Over time I gradually did open up. But it was gradual. And noone expected any different from me. It was just needless pressure I put on myself.
I hope you'll give it some more time before making your decision.
BB
Maybe just keep going and try to stay completely clean (no false crutches) and focus on listening for the similarities rather than worrying about saying anything.
My AV tried constantly to tell me that I didn't really need to stop drinking - after all I wasnt as bad as some others. Thing is, my drinking still made my life unmanageable and I'd still ended up hating myself. I didn't really think I was alcoholic enough to need to work a recovery plan until I'd stayed sober 6 months and almost driven myself insane through my own hard-headedness.
Yes - many people in AA had much lower bottoms (tee hee) than me. But when I really started listening, what we drank, and where and with who really wasn't the important part of their stories. The important part was what they WERE like (how they felt and acted out), what happened (how they managed to change) and what they're like now. How many bottles or pints really is besides the point to a degree. Only the first step mentions alcohol. All the others are focussed on learning how to be who a person we can learn to love. How to ditch the not-enoughness, the restlessness, irritability and discontentment without acting out (with drugs, alcohol, gambling, risky behaviour, sex, or other compulsive tendencies).
I had other issues as well as alcohol as well. And there are 12-step groups for those things as well, but in my area they are few and far between. So I stuck with AA as my mainstay, but when I work the steps I also bear those other compulsions / false crutches in mind. That being said, I know plenty of folk in AA who are also regulars at NA and enjoy both.
I reckon this could be more fear talking to you than reason, as you're yet to feel comfortable in meetings (that will come through time). I remember feeling like the odd one out as everyone else knew each other so well. But chatting to folk before and after meetings, helping set up and clear up would soon help you get used to others there. Why not ask what time they unlock and start setting up and offer to help put the chairs out with them? That way you can have a bit of a quieter time to chat, and opening up and being honest will be easier. I remember being really taken aback by the level of honesty in the rooms, and just 'knowing' I'd never be able to be as open. Trouble is, that was my good old AV whispering its negativity at me yet again. Over time I gradually did open up. But it was gradual. And noone expected any different from me. It was just needless pressure I put on myself.
I hope you'll give it some more time before making your decision.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 983
Originally Posted by Berrybean 
sounds like you're doing what many of us do when we stop drinking and don't get ourselves some tools for sobriety - and that is just transfer our addictive behaviour and act out in other ways.
Maybe just keep going and try to stay completely clean (no false crutches) and focus on listening for the similarities rather than worrying about saying anything.
My AV tried constantly to tell me that I didn't really need to stop drinking - after all I wasnt as bad as some others. Thing is, my drinking still made my life unmanageable and I'd still ended up hating myself. I didn't really think I was alcoholic enough to need to work a recovery plan until I'd stayed sober 6 months and almost driven myself insane through my own hard-headedness.
Yes - many people in AA had much lower bottoms (tee hee) than me. But when I really started listening, what we drank, and where and with who really wasn't the important part of their stories. The important part was what they WERE like (how they felt and acted out), what happened (how they managed to change) and what they're like now. How many bottles or pints really is besides the point to a degree. Only the first step mentions alcohol. All the others are focussed on learning how to be who a person we can learn to love. How to ditch the not-enoughness, the restlessness, irritability and discontentment without acting out (with drugs, alcohol, gambling, risky behaviour, sex, or other compulsive tendencies).
I had other issues as well as alcohol as well. And there are 12-step groups for those things as well, but in my area they are few and far between. So I stuck with AA as my mainstay, but when I work the steps I also bear those other compulsions / false crutches in mind. That being said, I know plenty of folk in AA who are also regulars at NA and enjoy both.
I reckon this could be more fear talking to you than reason, as you're yet to feel comfortable in meetings (that will come through time). I remember feeling like the odd one out as everyone else knew each other so well. But chatting to folk before and after meetings, helping set up and clear up would soon help you get used to others there. Why not ask what time they unlock and start setting up and offer to help put the chairs out with them? That way you can have a bit of a quieter time to chat, and opening up and being honest will be easier. I remember being really taken aback by the level of honesty in the rooms, and just 'knowing' I'd never be able to be as open. Trouble is, that was my good old AV whispering its negativity at me yet again. Over time I gradually did open up. But it was gradual. And noone expected any different from me. It was just needless pressure I put on myself.
I hope you'll give it some more time before making your decision.
BB
Maybe just keep going and try to stay completely clean (no false crutches) and focus on listening for the similarities rather than worrying about saying anything.
My AV tried constantly to tell me that I didn't really need to stop drinking - after all I wasnt as bad as some others. Thing is, my drinking still made my life unmanageable and I'd still ended up hating myself. I didn't really think I was alcoholic enough to need to work a recovery plan until I'd stayed sober 6 months and almost driven myself insane through my own hard-headedness.
Yes - many people in AA had much lower bottoms (tee hee) than me. But when I really started listening, what we drank, and where and with who really wasn't the important part of their stories. The important part was what they WERE like (how they felt and acted out), what happened (how they managed to change) and what they're like now. How many bottles or pints really is besides the point to a degree. Only the first step mentions alcohol. All the others are focussed on learning how to be who a person we can learn to love. How to ditch the not-enoughness, the restlessness, irritability and discontentment without acting out (with drugs, alcohol, gambling, risky behaviour, sex, or other compulsive tendencies).
I had other issues as well as alcohol as well. And there are 12-step groups for those things as well, but in my area they are few and far between. So I stuck with AA as my mainstay, but when I work the steps I also bear those other compulsions / false crutches in mind. That being said, I know plenty of folk in AA who are also regulars at NA and enjoy both.
I reckon this could be more fear talking to you than reason, as you're yet to feel comfortable in meetings (that will come through time). I remember feeling like the odd one out as everyone else knew each other so well. But chatting to folk before and after meetings, helping set up and clear up would soon help you get used to others there. Why not ask what time they unlock and start setting up and offer to help put the chairs out with them? That way you can have a bit of a quieter time to chat, and opening up and being honest will be easier. I remember being really taken aback by the level of honesty in the rooms, and just 'knowing' I'd never be able to be as open. Trouble is, that was my good old AV whispering its negativity at me yet again. Over time I gradually did open up. But it was gradual. And noone expected any different from me. It was just needless pressure I put on myself.
I hope you'll give it some more time before making your decision.
BB
I don't know if I'm trying to make excuses or if I'm just trying to kid myself on. Tonight has been difficult, my negative thinking isn't helping me and iv been craving a drink so bad. I was feeling so good then all of a sudden I'm full of doubts.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Why not look up NA in your area? Might be worth a go. Recovery is all about freeing ourselves by learning not to be puppets to our compulsions. We can learn new and better ways to cope with life. Not overnight, but with some time and application.
BB
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 983
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Why not look up NA in your area? Might be worth a go. Recovery is all about freeing ourselves by learning not to be puppets to our compulsions. We can learn new and better ways to cope with life. Not overnight, but with some time and application.
BB
BB
Wish I would stop over thinking every fine detail.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Lol - yes - thinking through all those fine details that we actually don't even have - I remember that one.
For me that is what my mind starts scrabbling to do when I'm fearful - and it was terrible in early sobriety because I was still fearful but hadn't yet developed any of my new tools for living that recovery eventually taught me. And waitig to find things out (those fine details or the bigger stuff) seemed practically impossible. Scrabbling for control and wanting immediate answers to everything. Back then I really would have preferred a shoddy answer / solution NOW, rather than wait a few weeks for a good solution. Nowadays I still don't like waiting, and can still feel the old rattliness of fear stitrring up, but I can breath through it and lean into my fear now. I don't let it stop me doing what I know is the wiser thing to do (the thing that will secure long term serenity through good-living rather than a quick fix that will negatively affect my integrity and make me dislike myself).
Yesterday I went through a mechanised car wash for the first time in decades. I wasn't so keen on any of that experience to be honest. But the worst bit was at the end when a blower (which ws like a big metal beam from lft to right) came over the car. It had a big capitalised sgn on it sayong something like 'DO NOT APPLY YOUR BRAKES. BLOWER WILL LIFT'. I was kind of okay with that while said blower was over the end of the bonnet of my car. I even laughed at the idea of all those silly people panicking and slamming the brakes on. But as it came closer to the windscreen and was only inches from me and was NOT lifting I felt a momentary panic and strong urge to slam my foot down. I didn't want to trust what that sign said. Perhaps my car would be the first to get the windscreen smashed. I would be the first blown to death in a car wash. Lol. But I breathed through it and of course, the blower lifted just as promised.
When I first got sober people at AA and here told me it would get better - just do the next right thing and stay sober. I read books that said the same as those people as well. And sometimes I'd feel steeled by the hope they gave me (a bit like that big sign on the blower)but at other times my AV would kick in and start with all kinds of dire warnings (based on nothing really but wanting instant relief - a shoddy quick answer rather than wait for a decent one). I didn't want to work the steps though, or get a sponsor so I was only relying on their experience and strength abd hope rather than starting to generate my own supply and learning to rely on my HP when there were no other AAers around (because I sure as eggs-are-eggs wasn't going to lower myself to actually using those phone numbers they gave me).
I put myself in a lot of prolonged, avoidable pain through my hard-headedness. Choosing to overthink gibberish of my own rather than learn from others and actually work my own program (which is when relief finally came for me, about 7 or 8 months down the line.)
Anyway - that turned into a massive ramble for some reason. I'm tempted to delete it but perhaps I got written for a reason neither I nor you will ever get to know so I'll leave it as it is.
Take care - and please try to keep a clear, sober mind so you can start learning new and better solutions and start to weaken that AV. Because every time you take a rink or drug you feed it and re-strengthen it all over again. And the weaker that little beast is, the less incessant its chatter will be in your head.
BB
For me that is what my mind starts scrabbling to do when I'm fearful - and it was terrible in early sobriety because I was still fearful but hadn't yet developed any of my new tools for living that recovery eventually taught me. And waitig to find things out (those fine details or the bigger stuff) seemed practically impossible. Scrabbling for control and wanting immediate answers to everything. Back then I really would have preferred a shoddy answer / solution NOW, rather than wait a few weeks for a good solution. Nowadays I still don't like waiting, and can still feel the old rattliness of fear stitrring up, but I can breath through it and lean into my fear now. I don't let it stop me doing what I know is the wiser thing to do (the thing that will secure long term serenity through good-living rather than a quick fix that will negatively affect my integrity and make me dislike myself).
Yesterday I went through a mechanised car wash for the first time in decades. I wasn't so keen on any of that experience to be honest. But the worst bit was at the end when a blower (which ws like a big metal beam from lft to right) came over the car. It had a big capitalised sgn on it sayong something like 'DO NOT APPLY YOUR BRAKES. BLOWER WILL LIFT'. I was kind of okay with that while said blower was over the end of the bonnet of my car. I even laughed at the idea of all those silly people panicking and slamming the brakes on. But as it came closer to the windscreen and was only inches from me and was NOT lifting I felt a momentary panic and strong urge to slam my foot down. I didn't want to trust what that sign said. Perhaps my car would be the first to get the windscreen smashed. I would be the first blown to death in a car wash. Lol. But I breathed through it and of course, the blower lifted just as promised.
When I first got sober people at AA and here told me it would get better - just do the next right thing and stay sober. I read books that said the same as those people as well. And sometimes I'd feel steeled by the hope they gave me (a bit like that big sign on the blower)but at other times my AV would kick in and start with all kinds of dire warnings (based on nothing really but wanting instant relief - a shoddy quick answer rather than wait for a decent one). I didn't want to work the steps though, or get a sponsor so I was only relying on their experience and strength abd hope rather than starting to generate my own supply and learning to rely on my HP when there were no other AAers around (because I sure as eggs-are-eggs wasn't going to lower myself to actually using those phone numbers they gave me).
I put myself in a lot of prolonged, avoidable pain through my hard-headedness. Choosing to overthink gibberish of my own rather than learn from others and actually work my own program (which is when relief finally came for me, about 7 or 8 months down the line.)
Anyway - that turned into a massive ramble for some reason. I'm tempted to delete it but perhaps I got written for a reason neither I nor you will ever get to know so I'll leave it as it is.
Take care - and please try to keep a clear, sober mind so you can start learning new and better solutions and start to weaken that AV. Because every time you take a rink or drug you feed it and re-strengthen it all over again. And the weaker that little beast is, the less incessant its chatter will be in your head.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 983
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Lol - yes - thinking through all those fine details that we actually don't even have - I remember that one.
For me that is what my mind starts scrabbling to do when I'm fearful - and it was terrible in early sobriety because I was still fearful but hadn't yet developed any of my new tools for living that recovery eventually taught me. And waitig to find things out (those fine details or the bigger stuff) seemed practically impossible. Scrabbling for control and wanting immediate answers to everything. Back then I really would have preferred a shoddy answer / solution NOW, rather than wait a few weeks for a good solution. Nowadays I still don't like waiting, and can still feel the old rattliness of fear stitrring up, but I can breath through it and lean into my fear now. I don't let it stop me doing what I know is the wiser thing to do (the thing that will secure long term serenity through good-living rather than a quick fix that will negatively affect my integrity and make me dislike myself).
Yesterday I went through a mechanised car wash for the first time in decades. I wasn't so keen on any of that experience to be honest. But the worst bit was at the end when a blower (which ws like a big metal beam from lft to right) came over the car. It had a big capitalised sgn on it sayong something like 'DO NOT APPLY YOUR BRAKES. BLOWER WILL LIFT'. I was kind of okay with that while said blower was over the end of the bonnet of my car. I even laughed at the idea of all those silly people panicking and slamming the brakes on. But as it came closer to the windscreen and was only inches from me and was NOT lifting I felt a momentary panic and strong urge to slam my foot down. I didn't want to trust what that sign said. Perhaps my car would be the first to get the windscreen smashed. I would be the first blown to death in a car wash. Lol. But I breathed through it and of course, the blower lifted just as promised.
When I first got sober people at AA and here told me it would get better - just do the next right thing and stay sober. I read books that said the same as those people as well. And sometimes I'd feel steeled by the hope they gave me (a bit like that big sign on the blower)but at other times my AV would kick in and start with all kinds of dire warnings (based on nothing really but wanting instant relief - a shoddy quick answer rather than wait for a decent one). I didn't want to work the steps though, or get a sponsor so I was only relying on their experience and strength abd hope rather than starting to generate my own supply and learning to rely on my HP when there were no other AAers around (because I sure as eggs-are-eggs wasn't going to lower myself to actually using those phone numbers they gave me).
I put myself in a lot of prolonged, avoidable pain through my hard-headedness. Choosing to overthink gibberish of my own rather than learn from others and actually work my own program (which is when relief finally came for me, about 7 or 8 months down the line.)
Anyway - that turned into a massive ramble for some reason. I'm tempted to delete it but perhaps I got written for a reason neither I nor you will ever get to know so I'll leave it as it is.
Take care - and please try to keep a clear, sober mind so you can start learning new and better solutions and start to weaken that AV. Because every time you take a rink or drug you feed it and re-strengthen it all over again. And the weaker that little beast is, the less incessant its chatter will be in your head.
BB
For me that is what my mind starts scrabbling to do when I'm fearful - and it was terrible in early sobriety because I was still fearful but hadn't yet developed any of my new tools for living that recovery eventually taught me. And waitig to find things out (those fine details or the bigger stuff) seemed practically impossible. Scrabbling for control and wanting immediate answers to everything. Back then I really would have preferred a shoddy answer / solution NOW, rather than wait a few weeks for a good solution. Nowadays I still don't like waiting, and can still feel the old rattliness of fear stitrring up, but I can breath through it and lean into my fear now. I don't let it stop me doing what I know is the wiser thing to do (the thing that will secure long term serenity through good-living rather than a quick fix that will negatively affect my integrity and make me dislike myself).
Yesterday I went through a mechanised car wash for the first time in decades. I wasn't so keen on any of that experience to be honest. But the worst bit was at the end when a blower (which ws like a big metal beam from lft to right) came over the car. It had a big capitalised sgn on it sayong something like 'DO NOT APPLY YOUR BRAKES. BLOWER WILL LIFT'. I was kind of okay with that while said blower was over the end of the bonnet of my car. I even laughed at the idea of all those silly people panicking and slamming the brakes on. But as it came closer to the windscreen and was only inches from me and was NOT lifting I felt a momentary panic and strong urge to slam my foot down. I didn't want to trust what that sign said. Perhaps my car would be the first to get the windscreen smashed. I would be the first blown to death in a car wash. Lol. But I breathed through it and of course, the blower lifted just as promised.
When I first got sober people at AA and here told me it would get better - just do the next right thing and stay sober. I read books that said the same as those people as well. And sometimes I'd feel steeled by the hope they gave me (a bit like that big sign on the blower)but at other times my AV would kick in and start with all kinds of dire warnings (based on nothing really but wanting instant relief - a shoddy quick answer rather than wait for a decent one). I didn't want to work the steps though, or get a sponsor so I was only relying on their experience and strength abd hope rather than starting to generate my own supply and learning to rely on my HP when there were no other AAers around (because I sure as eggs-are-eggs wasn't going to lower myself to actually using those phone numbers they gave me).
I put myself in a lot of prolonged, avoidable pain through my hard-headedness. Choosing to overthink gibberish of my own rather than learn from others and actually work my own program (which is when relief finally came for me, about 7 or 8 months down the line.)
Anyway - that turned into a massive ramble for some reason. I'm tempted to delete it but perhaps I got written for a reason neither I nor you will ever get to know so I'll leave it as it is.
Take care - and please try to keep a clear, sober mind so you can start learning new and better solutions and start to weaken that AV. Because every time you take a rink or drug you feed it and re-strengthen it all over again. And the weaker that little beast is, the less incessant its chatter will be in your head.
BB
Its so lonely I keep feeling like I'm grieving alcohol and my lifestyle. Yesterday I was telling myself what are people going to think about me when the only things they know about me and make me somewhat interesting is my wild lifestyle and (pardon my french) f*ck it attitude towards being a drunken mess and ruining my life continuously. They laugh, I laugh then I pour another drink down my neck. But they arent there when I sober up and in the pits of hell of Shame, humiliation, balling my eyes out begging to go to hospital as I think I'm going to die or begging to die as it's easier than dealing with the aftermath of a blackout and I have no idea what I have done or where I have been.
I can't have one or two drinks. It's not in my nature or programming of my brain I need to stop toying with the idea that I have control.I'm hoping Something is working cos this is day 14 and as much as I want to drink I haven't. The next drink I loose my partner and family relationships and I can't have that.
Next battle is giving up weed, I have cut back but I'm finding it tough. It's my coping mechanism right now but I'm replacing one bad thing with another. Fake solution.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Lpg
... the only things they know about me and make me somewhat interesting is my wild lifestyle and (pardon my french) f*ck it attitude towards being a drunken mess and ruining my life continuously. They laugh, I laugh then I pour another drink down my neck. But they arent there when I sober up and in the pits of hell of Shame, humiliation, balling my eyes out begging to go to hospital as I think I'm going to die or begging to die as it's easier than dealing with the aftermath of a blackout and I have no idea what I have done or where I have been.
I remember being very scared about who or what I would be without alcohol - it had been part of who I was for all of my adult life - over 2.5 decades! I now realise I don't owe it to anyone to be interesting or entertaining. If they want entertainment they can bloody well go find it somewhere else.
I reckon that once you start scratching the surface you wil like the person who has been hidden away under all that addictive acting out for so long. The reason I felt so much shame and despair and self-loathing is because I had lost my integrity I was not doing or saying or being what I believed to be important and valuable. I was poo-pooing my own conscience. But just because I'd made that mistake for a long time, it didn't mean I had to keep making it. Nowadays I still get things wrong. I mess up sometimes and have to apologise or put things right - and that's just what I do rather than entering into a spiral of justification and self-loathing. Some of my old drunk friends no doubt find me a little quiet and sober for their entertainment nowadays. But I find them too muh to deal with now anyway. We no longer have what the other wants and have gone seperate ways in many cases. Other, truer relationships that weren't so much dependent on a mutal faux-friend (or frenemy), alcohol, have lasted and developed into a deeper level over time - although I think those people were fairly cautious initially as I was a bit up and down in early sobriety. And I now have lots of really good new friends who I'd have never made if I was still drinking - people who do not see me as 'entertainment'.
I remember hearing on a recovery speaker tape that alcohol had made this lady feel 'wittier, prettier and tittier'. But of course, a lot of the time this is a lie our AV tells us. Plus, even if it is true to some degree - I now feel that there are much more important things to me that being attractive and entertaining. Like self-respect. Being able to sleep at night. Being kind. Reliable. Honest. Treating myself and others well. I'll take serenity over shame any day of the week.
Things can and will get better, as long as you stay sober / clean and work on your recovery. They really will.
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