Originally Posted by Berrybean

I remember being very scared about who or what I would be without alcohol - it had been part of who I was for all of my adult life - over 2.5 decades! I now realise I don't owe it to anyone to be interesting or entertaining. If they want entertainment they can bloody well go find it somewhere else.

I reckon that once you start scratching the surface you wil like the person who has been hidden away under all that addictive acting out for so long. The reason I felt so much shame and despair and self-loathing is because I had lost my integrity I was not doing or saying or being what I believed to be important and valuable. I was poo-pooing my own conscience. But just because I'd made that mistake for a long time, it didn't mean I had to keep making it. Nowadays I still get things wrong. I mess up sometimes and have to apologise or put things right - and that's just what I do rather than entering into a spiral of justification and self-loathing. Some of my old drunk friends no doubt find me a little quiet and sober for their entertainment nowadays. But I find them too muh to deal with now anyway. We no longer have what the other wants and have gone seperate ways in many cases. Other, truer relationships that weren't so much dependent on a mutal faux-friend (or frenemy), alcohol, have lasted and developed into a deeper level over time - although I think those people were fairly cautious initially as I was a bit up and down in early sobriety. And I now have lots of really good new friends who I'd have never made if I was still drinking - people who do not see me as 'entertainment'.

I remember hearing on a recovery speaker tape that alcohol had made this lady feel 'wittier, prettier and tittier'. But of course, a lot of the time this is a lie our AV tells us. Plus, even if it is true to some degree - I now feel that there are much more important things to me that being attractive and entertaining. Like self-respect. Being able to sleep at night. Being kind. Reliable. Honest. Treating myself and others well. I'll take serenity over shame any day of the week.

Things can and will get better, as long as you stay sober / clean and work on your recovery. They really will.

BB

Originally Posted by Done4today

Awesome job LPG with being open, honest and WILLING. Getting and staying sober is challenging, exciting, emotional, scary, wonderful, painful, tough, and worth it. Don't let the peaks and valleys of the emotional rollercoaster ride you are on the first year of sobriety derail you. You have started your journey on a great foundation of honesty and willingness.