2017 Has Been a Terrible Year
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 120
2017 Has Been a Terrible Year
I am back here after one of the worst year's of my life. Giving into my AV after stress and trauma has certainly not helped.
My mother who I was estranged from (unrelated to drinking) was diagnosed with lung cancer and was dead within 6 weeks. This was in April. A lot of family drama ensued that also involved my husband's family and it was awful. My only sister is now dead to me and I lost my nieces because she made them choose. I gave in and started drinking after 3 months sober sending me into a deep, dark depression I have not been able to pull myself out of.
I lost another job I probably should not have taken to begin with. I was just not qualified. They gave me a month severance because they also realized I was not a good hire and I am getting unemployment. It was an amicable split and they were very kind though. I am struggling now to find employment and the holidays are coming. I loathe the holidays for obvious reasons. I am also an Atheist so all this religious, holiday cheer can be over any time now.
I found out about 7 weeks ago my Blue Kitty has cancer and is full of tumors. He is 18 years old. I never had kids and he has been my constant companion, been through 2 marriages and a divorce with me, and even a relocation out of state. The thought of losing him this year along with everything else is almost too much. I am crying even as I type this.
We usually vacation during Christmas week and cannot afford it this year. I am usually on the beach instead of enduring this cold Ohio gloom. THAT is depressing.
Today is day 4 I am sober for the first time since Feb. I just feel done. I did not even want to drink this weekend. I have been so sick for so long that I forgot what it feels like to feel good and sleep a whole night. I slept 9 hours last night. I have not done that in over 9 months. I have gained like 30lbs this year and cannot even look at myself. I have wasted so much money. I sneak because my husband is a non drinker. I know he knows but does not say anything. We have been doing this dance for 7 years now and I think he just gave up. He does not love me any less, but I also do not think he knows how bad I have gotten. I am going to die if I keep this up.
This weekend I started a new book, cooked, caught up on TV, slept, cleaned, and felt generally ok and somewhat peaceful. I do not want to die that way. This weekend both David Cassidy and Malcolm Young died from alcohol related illnesses. I feel like I am a shell of who I used to be. I miss who I used to be. I used to be smart, driven, healthy and focused. I want her back. That is who my husband fell in love and still sees. I feel like nothing but a fraud and a liar.
Today the sun is shining even though it is cold and I know I will not drink. I just want my life back.
My mother who I was estranged from (unrelated to drinking) was diagnosed with lung cancer and was dead within 6 weeks. This was in April. A lot of family drama ensued that also involved my husband's family and it was awful. My only sister is now dead to me and I lost my nieces because she made them choose. I gave in and started drinking after 3 months sober sending me into a deep, dark depression I have not been able to pull myself out of.
I lost another job I probably should not have taken to begin with. I was just not qualified. They gave me a month severance because they also realized I was not a good hire and I am getting unemployment. It was an amicable split and they were very kind though. I am struggling now to find employment and the holidays are coming. I loathe the holidays for obvious reasons. I am also an Atheist so all this religious, holiday cheer can be over any time now.
I found out about 7 weeks ago my Blue Kitty has cancer and is full of tumors. He is 18 years old. I never had kids and he has been my constant companion, been through 2 marriages and a divorce with me, and even a relocation out of state. The thought of losing him this year along with everything else is almost too much. I am crying even as I type this.
We usually vacation during Christmas week and cannot afford it this year. I am usually on the beach instead of enduring this cold Ohio gloom. THAT is depressing.
Today is day 4 I am sober for the first time since Feb. I just feel done. I did not even want to drink this weekend. I have been so sick for so long that I forgot what it feels like to feel good and sleep a whole night. I slept 9 hours last night. I have not done that in over 9 months. I have gained like 30lbs this year and cannot even look at myself. I have wasted so much money. I sneak because my husband is a non drinker. I know he knows but does not say anything. We have been doing this dance for 7 years now and I think he just gave up. He does not love me any less, but I also do not think he knows how bad I have gotten. I am going to die if I keep this up.
This weekend I started a new book, cooked, caught up on TV, slept, cleaned, and felt generally ok and somewhat peaceful. I do not want to die that way. This weekend both David Cassidy and Malcolm Young died from alcohol related illnesses. I feel like I am a shell of who I used to be. I miss who I used to be. I used to be smart, driven, healthy and focused. I want her back. That is who my husband fell in love and still sees. I feel like nothing but a fraud and a liar.
Today the sun is shining even though it is cold and I know I will not drink. I just want my life back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm glad you're back. I couldn't process past deaths or traumas when I was still drinking - I just replayed them in some kind of morbid rerun. Facing life without alcohol is much much easier and without the resulting depression. I'm able to process things as they happen now. I found it impossible to put things like death and grieving into any order or to get any understanding while under the influence.
All of my family has died, so I feel you there - so much weirdness happens surrounding deaths. I'm glad you'll be able to be present for Blue. My two cats were part of the reason I sobered up, they need me and they need medical attention daily. I was being a horrible caretaker. Now I'm proud of the way I care for them in their declining health.
All of my family has died, so I feel you there - so much weirdness happens surrounding deaths. I'm glad you'll be able to be present for Blue. My two cats were part of the reason I sobered up, they need me and they need medical attention daily. I was being a horrible caretaker. Now I'm proud of the way I care for them in their declining health.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Usta. Sorry to hear that you've had such a bad year, but I'm very happy to hear that you have decided to quit drinking and get your life back. I hope we can help - sounds like you are finding some small cracks of sunshine amongst the darkness. Drinking will certainly make things seem worse.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Ustacallmelola, I have no words, you must be absolutely devastated about your Blue Kitty's diagnosis. All of my life I've been Mum to cats and dogs, they're not pets to me, they're my feline and canine sons and daughters. I don't know what to say, save that your stopping drinking now, is the very best thing you can do for Blue Kitty.
You can get your life back, truly, please believe me. It is never too late. I'm sorry that you've suffered such an horrendous year, but there's one thing I can say with certainty: if you continue as a non-drinker, next year will be better for you as a non-drinker, than a drinker.
I drank for over twenty years, every day, the last five of which I tried, unsuccessfully, to stop. Swore off every night, drank every morning. But my, and your, past does not have to dictate our futures. You can do this, if I can, you can. You can rise and reclaim your life and be the very best version of yourself, by not drinking alcohol (which inhibits our best versions, our true selves),
You can get your life back, truly, please believe me. It is never too late. I'm sorry that you've suffered such an horrendous year, but there's one thing I can say with certainty: if you continue as a non-drinker, next year will be better for you as a non-drinker, than a drinker.
I drank for over twenty years, every day, the last five of which I tried, unsuccessfully, to stop. Swore off every night, drank every morning. But my, and your, past does not have to dictate our futures. You can do this, if I can, you can. You can rise and reclaim your life and be the very best version of yourself, by not drinking alcohol (which inhibits our best versions, our true selves),
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Sounds like your first four days have gone well, both in terms of the early small gifts of sobriety as well as keeping your reasons for sobriety far ahead of your desire for drinking. Keep that momentum and 2018 will be better for you. I believe that.
Stay close and post here. Welcome.
Stay close and post here. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1,276
You’ve had so many problems to deal with this year. It must of been so hard for you. I’m really glad you’re posting on SR as it’s good step towards making the better life that you want for you and your husband. Take care🙂
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
As I read your post one thing came to mind, you've hit bottom. The pain has exceeded the pleasure. That's evident. This disease robs us of everything then it kills us. You still have your husband, that's a blessing. Find something to build on. Start with him. I think one thing is for certain, if you start drinking again 2018 is going to be worst. You can't go another year like this.
Keep posting here. Go one day at a time. And don't beat yourself up over this disease. You drank to much and your an alcoholic. We're human. It happens. But you can stop this disease by not drinking. Sounds like you are ready to quit for good. Stay strong and stay sober.
Keep posting here. Go one day at a time. And don't beat yourself up over this disease. You drank to much and your an alcoholic. We're human. It happens. But you can stop this disease by not drinking. Sounds like you are ready to quit for good. Stay strong and stay sober.
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