Holiday thoughts are not helping
I am not these thoughts - I am the Master of these thoughts.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 134
Holiday thoughts are not helping
On an intelligent level, when I really think things through, I know I am better off sober - alcoholic or not (I am!!!)
But while at work and hearing people's grand Thanksgiving (tomorrow) and Christmas plans conjures pictures of people laughing over chilled champagne, carefree has made me envious. I know I shouldn't be. I know I am once again romanticizing alcohol and must remember that we don't get along.
Last time I was sober I wasn't envious. I was graciously submissive to my limitation. I don't know if I enjoyed stronger conviction that people are inundated with an alcoholic culture and I am one of the lucky ones to know better, having experienced the darker side, but being only 16 days sober since my relapse, I am feeling overly sensitive to it, I suppose. And then I think on the last three years I was sober and how wonderful the holidays were, each of those years! How I wasn't tempted to drink even though most of my family was! I distinctly remember looking at people with glasses of wine in hand and thinking, "This is so wonderful. To be free of it! Look at me! I am around it, bottles everywhere and I am looking forward to pie! Oh to enjoy the simple things!" I want that person back and I know I am going down the right path to get there, but right now I feel bitter; bitter because it's my own fault I am here, bitter that others can enjoy a glass of champagne.
Who am I kidding? You all know it and I know it. I don't want a glass of champagne! I want a couple bottles! And they, as normal drinkers, aren't getting stinking drunk so the alcoholic in me says, "what the Hell is the point?"
Remembering that normal drinkers are experiencing at best a light buzz effect helps keep me in check. They are not (at least in my household) getting blitzed out of their minds, as I would.
I also pause and dig deeper - what really features in those images I see in my mind's eye, when thinking about the holidays? It's not alcohol. It's people laughing, engaged in conversation in close proximity. Joyful people, content, celebratory. I realize that what I am really craving is some human interaction, and so once again I am forced to remember that I have issues belying the ostensive alcoholism. Social anxiety is number one.
I am just ranting and raving and wanted to get it out there to people who can relate. Tomorrow I will celebrate Thanksgiving by going to mass and then for a solitary hike. So it's one somber Thanksgiving - there will (God willing) be many others, and by then I hope to have improved upon my anxiety and can look alcohol in the "eye" and say "I am so glad we are over" with all sincerity - again.
I am not these thoughts - I am the one who recognizes this.
Thank you everyone for reading and caring.
But while at work and hearing people's grand Thanksgiving (tomorrow) and Christmas plans conjures pictures of people laughing over chilled champagne, carefree has made me envious. I know I shouldn't be. I know I am once again romanticizing alcohol and must remember that we don't get along.
Last time I was sober I wasn't envious. I was graciously submissive to my limitation. I don't know if I enjoyed stronger conviction that people are inundated with an alcoholic culture and I am one of the lucky ones to know better, having experienced the darker side, but being only 16 days sober since my relapse, I am feeling overly sensitive to it, I suppose. And then I think on the last three years I was sober and how wonderful the holidays were, each of those years! How I wasn't tempted to drink even though most of my family was! I distinctly remember looking at people with glasses of wine in hand and thinking, "This is so wonderful. To be free of it! Look at me! I am around it, bottles everywhere and I am looking forward to pie! Oh to enjoy the simple things!" I want that person back and I know I am going down the right path to get there, but right now I feel bitter; bitter because it's my own fault I am here, bitter that others can enjoy a glass of champagne.
Who am I kidding? You all know it and I know it. I don't want a glass of champagne! I want a couple bottles! And they, as normal drinkers, aren't getting stinking drunk so the alcoholic in me says, "what the Hell is the point?"
Remembering that normal drinkers are experiencing at best a light buzz effect helps keep me in check. They are not (at least in my household) getting blitzed out of their minds, as I would.
I also pause and dig deeper - what really features in those images I see in my mind's eye, when thinking about the holidays? It's not alcohol. It's people laughing, engaged in conversation in close proximity. Joyful people, content, celebratory. I realize that what I am really craving is some human interaction, and so once again I am forced to remember that I have issues belying the ostensive alcoholism. Social anxiety is number one.
I am just ranting and raving and wanted to get it out there to people who can relate. Tomorrow I will celebrate Thanksgiving by going to mass and then for a solitary hike. So it's one somber Thanksgiving - there will (God willing) be many others, and by then I hope to have improved upon my anxiety and can look alcohol in the "eye" and say "I am so glad we are over" with all sincerity - again.
I am not these thoughts - I am the one who recognizes this.
Thank you everyone for reading and caring.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
It's awesome that you were able to see it for what it was. You played the tape with the consequences all the way through and you KNOW things will get easier as time goes on.
Well done. Hang in there. Keep posting, and I hope you have a restful, peaceful holiday.
Well done. Hang in there. Keep posting, and I hope you have a restful, peaceful holiday.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Thank you for your post. I'm Wayne,
It sounds like your resentful for being an alcoholic. Don't be. Your body processes alcohol differently than normal drinkers. That's a fact. That's the way it is. Time to move on. You've been sober before. You know it's better. Let the drinkers have their drinks, it's not for you.
The social anxiety will eventually leave. You'll gain real confidence. It's part of sobriety. Sobriety has many benefits. The most obvious is you don't die from alcoholism. Aside from that it gives you the opportunity to be yourself again. That's invaluable. So look at what sobriety has to offer, forget the coworkers and the stories. You will never drink normally again. You have to move forward and act on it. We're not missing anything by not drinking. Nothing. Don't be fooled by the AV. That's it's way of saying I need alcohol. The truth is, you don't.
It sounds like your resentful for being an alcoholic. Don't be. Your body processes alcohol differently than normal drinkers. That's a fact. That's the way it is. Time to move on. You've been sober before. You know it's better. Let the drinkers have their drinks, it's not for you.
The social anxiety will eventually leave. You'll gain real confidence. It's part of sobriety. Sobriety has many benefits. The most obvious is you don't die from alcoholism. Aside from that it gives you the opportunity to be yourself again. That's invaluable. So look at what sobriety has to offer, forget the coworkers and the stories. You will never drink normally again. You have to move forward and act on it. We're not missing anything by not drinking. Nothing. Don't be fooled by the AV. That's it's way of saying I need alcohol. The truth is, you don't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hi forest, glad you posted. It’s good to get it out of your head when it’s tough, sometimes it is especially this early when we are still getting used to the sober holidays and events, it’s not easy but it is what it is for me, and for you, and the idea of how we want things to be is never the reality. You’d be devastated if you had to wake up on Friday at 3 am with the pounding heart and anxiety.
Just keep thinking it through to the end.
Just keep thinking it through to the end.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
pictures of people laughing over chilled champagne, carefree
try - still drinking a week later, sick as a dog, shivering, sitting in an apartment that looks like a bombsite and wondering what that smell is and realising its you...trying vainly to recall if you did anything mortifying in the last week.
We have to remember the reality.
I'm confident that one day soon you'll have the kind of human interaction you're looking for FF - but only if we stick to our changes made.
D
I am not these thoughts - I am the Master of these thoughts.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 134
Thank you for the reminder, BullDog - that with time, it will get easier. Sometimes I have to brace myself and hold onto that, when nothing else seems to be so reassuring. Because I am can know with confidence that it is true - I just have to weather storm.
You are spot-on Wayne and I guess I was too ashamed to admit that I am resentful over something so ridiculous -that I can't drink. How petty of me. But as you said: I am missing out on drinking. That's it - that and all the horrors that come with it. And thank you also; I didn't appreciate during those 3 years of being sober how I am physiologically wired to process alcohol differently. Knowing that helps me stay the course, too. Because it will never change.
Thank you, dear Sassy! I am grateful to have someone else in early sobriety - although if I recall you stopped in July - way to go!!!!
The great sleep has been as good as breathing life back into my body! Those cold sweats and heart palpitations will not be missed.
And you know what guys? Every morning when I wake up and brew my coffee, I am overjoyed at another sober day rising with the Sun.
Bless you all, each of your contributions were the reminders I needed. Have a beautiful, restful and sober holiday. I'll be thinking of my SR friends with sincere gratitude.
You are spot-on Wayne and I guess I was too ashamed to admit that I am resentful over something so ridiculous -that I can't drink. How petty of me. But as you said: I am missing out on drinking. That's it - that and all the horrors that come with it. And thank you also; I didn't appreciate during those 3 years of being sober how I am physiologically wired to process alcohol differently. Knowing that helps me stay the course, too. Because it will never change.
Thank you, dear Sassy! I am grateful to have someone else in early sobriety - although if I recall you stopped in July - way to go!!!!
The great sleep has been as good as breathing life back into my body! Those cold sweats and heart palpitations will not be missed.And you know what guys? Every morning when I wake up and brew my coffee, I am overjoyed at another sober day rising with the Sun.
Bless you all, each of your contributions were the reminders I needed. Have a beautiful, restful and sober holiday. I'll be thinking of my SR friends with sincere gratitude.
I am not these thoughts - I am the Master of these thoughts.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 134
Thank you, Dee.
It hasn't been me in that situation, either, for many years. Tried so hard to pretend I was a normal drinker and maybe I could hold out for a couple hours, but once home I'd let the beast loose.
Stick to reality - something else I was better at the first time. I will get there; now I have you all help see it through - you have me too.
It hasn't been me in that situation, either, for many years. Tried so hard to pretend I was a normal drinker and maybe I could hold out for a couple hours, but once home I'd let the beast loose.
Stick to reality - something else I was better at the first time. I will get there; now I have you all help see it through - you have me too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You know, the advertisers love us to think of these single days as if they were a whole week. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas are single days.
You know, there is companionship available to you whenever you choose to reach out at any AA meeting - and yes, those meetings will go ahead on Thanksgiving and on Christmas day. But regardless, you will not be alone on your hike. You will have God with you. Maybe think of of it as taking your beautiful God for a walk - invite him to stay with you and in you and resolve to spend Thanksgiving in gratitude. Isn't that what it's all about anyway?
Maybe you could find somewhere to volunteer on Christmas day? I'm going to help serve lunches at the Cathedral at a dinner for people who'd otherwise be alone on that day. Last year it was the most amazing Christmas experience I'd had since childhood.
Once we get over the illusion that these days are all about alcohol and over-indulgence, then we are freed up to think about their true meaning. Then we can really start to enjoy them.
Happy Thanksgiving.
BB
You know, there is companionship available to you whenever you choose to reach out at any AA meeting - and yes, those meetings will go ahead on Thanksgiving and on Christmas day. But regardless, you will not be alone on your hike. You will have God with you. Maybe think of of it as taking your beautiful God for a walk - invite him to stay with you and in you and resolve to spend Thanksgiving in gratitude. Isn't that what it's all about anyway?
Maybe you could find somewhere to volunteer on Christmas day? I'm going to help serve lunches at the Cathedral at a dinner for people who'd otherwise be alone on that day. Last year it was the most amazing Christmas experience I'd had since childhood.
Once we get over the illusion that these days are all about alcohol and over-indulgence, then we are freed up to think about their true meaning. Then we can really start to enjoy them.
Happy Thanksgiving.
BB
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 232
I think I'll be ok, and feel confident that I won't drink tomorrow when I have family over.
I mean what is the freaking point? I get drunk, and before I got sober again it wasn't doing anything, so therefore this would most likely mean hard liquor for sure. Once I start drinking I get to feel like #@$ the next day, and because I'm an alcoholic there is an extreme likeleyhood that I will continue drinking the following morning, and then it's back to the great vicious cycle again where I can't stop.
Tell me what fun is ending up there again, no thanks. And besides for me to drink nowadays means massive amounts and doesn't really provide much pleasure like it used to, the incentive is just not there anymore, and all its doing is causing me extreme harm.
I mean what is the freaking point? I get drunk, and before I got sober again it wasn't doing anything, so therefore this would most likely mean hard liquor for sure. Once I start drinking I get to feel like #@$ the next day, and because I'm an alcoholic there is an extreme likeleyhood that I will continue drinking the following morning, and then it's back to the great vicious cycle again where I can't stop.
Tell me what fun is ending up there again, no thanks. And besides for me to drink nowadays means massive amounts and doesn't really provide much pleasure like it used to, the incentive is just not there anymore, and all its doing is causing me extreme harm.
I am not these thoughts - I am the Master of these thoughts.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 134
BB - tears brimming.
I am actually looking forward to my hike more now, and God will surely be going along with me. I may even bring my journal and jot down some melody compositions.
You know every night now when I lay my head to sleep, I thank God for another sober day and night. I hope that gratitude carries with me into tomorrow and every day.
Mt - you said it right there: it's not fun anymore. Just gets that cycle going again - I am still scratching my head how I managed to get off that merry-go-round this time, but grateful I have. I have to keep replaying that tape.
Each contribution here is putting back pieces together for me and those mindful practices that saw me sober before. Thank you for helping me to remember.
I am actually looking forward to my hike more now, and God will surely be going along with me. I may even bring my journal and jot down some melody compositions.
You know every night now when I lay my head to sleep, I thank God for another sober day and night. I hope that gratitude carries with me into tomorrow and every day.
Mt - you said it right there: it's not fun anymore. Just gets that cycle going again - I am still scratching my head how I managed to get off that merry-go-round this time, but grateful I have. I have to keep replaying that tape.
Each contribution here is putting back pieces together for me and those mindful practices that saw me sober before. Thank you for helping me to remember.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
It's a new day and it's just thanksgiving. Big deal. We all need to stay focused on the prize. Long term sobriety. That means we don't drink on any day regardless of the occasion. The holidays are so much better without it. We all know this. God is not going to have you surcomb to this disease today. Ask for guidance and help. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your HP already. Keep it up. Good things will happen.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hey FF,
I'm in the UK so a normal school day for me, although I did sneak in some Thanksgiving info and activities for my pupils (who get confused about why Americans get 2 Christmas days and we only get one lol).
Hope you enjoyed your waling and contemplation.
BB xx
I'm in the UK so a normal school day for me, although I did sneak in some Thanksgiving info and activities for my pupils (who get confused about why Americans get 2 Christmas days and we only get one lol).
Hope you enjoyed your waling and contemplation.
BB xx
I am not these thoughts - I am the Master of these thoughts.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 134
Lol - awwwwe BB! That's so sweet that you compensate for your pupils! 
It's been a lovely morning; I have finally started on some new entries on Medium that have been frequenting my mind for months now. About to go for that walk before I freshen up and join for dinner later. It will be a short visit and I plan on getting there when people have already sat down.
Wherever you are in the World, may new reasons to be grateful find you always, and may you have the wisdom and grace to recognize them.
It's been a lovely morning; I have finally started on some new entries on Medium that have been frequenting my mind for months now. About to go for that walk before I freshen up and join for dinner later. It will be a short visit and I plan on getting there when people have already sat down.
Wherever you are in the World, may new reasons to be grateful find you always, and may you have the wisdom and grace to recognize them.
x
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
