QuietToday

Having a panic attack. For about a week this has been building, some cracks, increasing cravings to booze, and today it hit hard. Been having trouble catching my breath all day, sudden bursts of screaming/anger, crying and nauseau, and I just can't keep going like this. Just want to write.

Haven't posted here in a long while. I was really struggling with sobriety when I was last posting, and then fell off and drank for a long time.

I've been sober now for I think 4 months, or near that. I don't count days or anything. I got sober after an embarassment, and it was very easy. It felt great; the embarassment hurt like hell, and it had all the choked down drinking feelings come up. Had a panic attack, finally called a crisis line, and then bawled my eyes out while I talked about my drinking problem for about 2 hours. After the conversation, and another big fit of crying later in the day, I really felt great, and since then I've been sober.

But it's getting hard again. At first it wasn't so bad. Every day is a success, and it feels like a success too.
"What did I do today? I did not drink. That's what I did, and it was a good day."

But that feeling has gone away. I'm trying to fix my life, catch up and heal all the problems of my drinking, and for me this is career based. I'm a graduate now, I want a job, and I keep thinking I'm going to do it.
But I'm almost 30. Most skilled job I've ever had is stocking shelves. I feel terrible anxiety about this, that I'm not capable of doing more skilled work, of being a teacher which is what I'm pursuing. I'm so stunted, not only in experience but in maturity too. This is the drinking, right? This is what I've done to myself from being a steady alcoholic for more than 10 years, and drinking heavily since I was a teenager.
So I'm immature and really irresponsible, and i also self-destruct a lot. And so recently things I thought were moving in a good direction, but all of a sudden I'm ruining them and I don't know it until now, too late. I had a local job as a teacher and then I bombed it; I chickened out when I was supposed to start. I just wanted a week of training or somehting, I don't know, something to dip my toes in. But they wanted me to start immediately, I freaked out, I wouldn't do it, I didn't go, and that's it. I ****** up. I really did again.
And then I had a career set for later in the year, to teach abroad which is what I want to do and how I always thought I would get started anyhow. But now I'm really freaked out because I had this local position and I ruined it, and now what if I do that in another country?
Which is another problem too, because I don't have the money they want for me to start up! Supposed to start in a short while, but I'm broke, not prepared, and I didn't realize when I accepted the job how much harder it would be to get the money than I thought.

I'm rambling. I could go on and on. I'm sorry. I'm just so distraught right now, please forgive this rambling.

So I'm not looking for career advice here. THe thing that is really bothering me is that allllll I can ******* think about is drinking. That's it; that's the only thing on my goddamn mind. I just want to drink so ******* bad and it's real hard not to. If I could just have a glass of ******* beer I'd feel so much better.....

I know it's not right. I know it's not just one glass I'll have. I know it's not just tonight I'd drink either. And I know that although I messed up here while sober, this is a real learning experience, right? Yes, I'm immature and I jumped into things I should have paced better, but I did it sober, which means I'm going to learn from this. I'm going to accept my defeat here, swallow it down, and then proceed. So I have to go slower, right? That's it; I'm not prepared, not mature enough, so I need to build that up. Got to slow down, give myself time to heal, let myself grow with a clear head and earnest effort.
I made some mistakes, but I made them sober. I will learn from them, and then I will overcome them because I am sober and because I am paying attention. It's just a learning experience, and I have to let them come and change me the way that they will for any other healthy, clear-headed person.

But man... it's hard. It's real hard being sober. I want to "catch up," you know? I want the career. I want to have confidence. I want the base which I can proudly share and tell people about. And I thought I was going to get it, and I thought my 4 months sober were going to prove that right away; I was going to have the job, have the high paycheck, have the things and have this constant validation of my sobriety as a success.

But it's not the case. Being sober isn't a reward itself anymore, not for me. I want a result of what my being sober has made possible, that's what I want; a result. But instead I'm just making errors, making embarassment of myself, hurting myself in the same ways I always have--- with the one difference, my alcoholic self is telling me, is that at least I used to be able to get drunk after shaming myself and not have it feel so goddamn horrible and total.

Deeeeeeeeeep breaths. Deep breaths.

I'm going to push through... but right now I just locked myself back into my room, lights off blinds closed, and I don't know if I can move anymore today. I'm honestly afraid if I even get out of this bed I'm going to go straight to the ******* liquor store and that will be that. So I don't know.
I just want today to end... but that's wrong too. That's what I said yesterday. Yesterday and the day before. But things aren't getting better; my head isn't getting stronger. And now today it's a full panic attack and what next? I'm thinking of suicide, I'm thinking of drinking, I'm thinking of the worst things possible already.
I just want to ******* drink so goddamn bad...... I can't. I won't. I really won't. But I just want to cool down, you know? I just want to slow down...

treeguy24

One of the things I have found helpful when the thoughts of drinking come into mind is to do something that relaxes you that will divert your mind. Sometimes the feelings and thoughts are so powerful you can't process them rationally, so you need to allow yourself time to calm down before you analyze and deal with them.

Don't sit there and focus on all these thoughts. The best thing you could do is to do something that might take your mind off these things. Not doing anything only gives your mind more opportunity to focus on all the negatives.

Dee74

Welcoem back QuietTime

I had a think for a long time where I was scared to be successful because I felt like I was a fraud who'd somehow lucked out BSed a lot and got a couple of degrees.

Counselling really helped me see that my achievements were worthy ones, I had worked for them - and more importantly that I had nothing to fear from either change or success.

Change is scary for everyone - but my fear was almost solely based on a maladjusted self image.

D

ps
using SR seemed to work for you last time - why not become a regular again -get some support and advice as you find that job?

QuietToday

Thanks for the replies; I'm sorry if this post makes today harder for anyone. I do feel better from venting though, and so I hope my complaining is acceptable.
I do appreciate having SR

Feeling like a fraud is definitely something I relate to. It was so strange when I went to interview; I've never had a "big" job like this before. I expected it to be sort-of similar to interviewing for all the crumby jobs I've had before, but it wasn't. They went over my resume, were impressed by my GPA and satisfied with my certifications and qualifications, and asked me when I wanted to start.
I really regret not having been more brave and asked if they could provide some training, if I could assist teach or something for a little while first prior to having classes of my own. I was so shocked I got the job, so amazed that my achievements were recognized, that I said Immediately I can start! But really, I just have no experience at all teaching, have no experience public speaking even, and boy--- when I got home, the relief and happiness of getting the job had transformed into self-deprecating lunacy. Certainly felt like a fraud, and worse things too.

But I agree with you, about the Self-Image problem. Because, like you, I did earn this job; i did achieve my diploma, my teaching certifications, and I made this job happen by applying, by showing up, by being enthusiastic to start.

It hurts, you know. I'm 27 now, and when I reflect on the ways that I react to things, address things, control myself--- I feel like I'm 14 years old, exactly the same as when I started to use drinking to deal with my disappointments and celebrations. I'm really a child the way I react to things; just so extreme, no balance. I am more prone to having a panic attack than I am a neutral state of being.

Bah! Got to work on this, take responsibility for this, and do better next time

And I think I likely will come back to SR... I just wish I could have come back a month or two ago when I was sky-high about being sober and really positive about things. Probably shouldn't have waited to get back to chatting with you fellows recovering and/or recovered until I was a on-the-brink mess once more. I'd really love to supply some light and positivity to this place.
Someday I will... just not today :P

silentrun

That 4 month mark hit me really bad. Keep working through it.

paulokes

So...it's absolutely impossible to make someone else's day harder by venting on an Internet forum? You realise that right?

That's something I identify with though...beat myself up...tell myself not to complain...no-one wants to hear it...

That right there is a healthy side of pride, fear and self loathing and will kill me if I'm not careful! I would rather vent on a bad day than bottle it up.

I've had a SOB of a week. Nothing particularly bad in reality but I've been really down on myself. It sucked. But here we both are...still sober. Some time soon we'll both be riding high...and still sober

Well done for reaching out friend...hope it feels better soon

P

Stayingsassy

This is the best place to vent. I feel like it's the point of this place. After all, everyone here is learning to feel pain instead of drinking over pain. That's a really big deal, and it's very brave, and very, very hard. Hang in there. Consider talking to a career counselor? Sounds like you've achieved a lot, you're just having trouble with that last little push. My oldest is having the same issues right now, I plan to guide her through it. I see nothing wrong with getting help with starting your real career. The unknown can be frightening and your feelings are valid.

Gottalife

I heard someone in AA talk about exactly the same experience when they were trying to stay sober on their own. It happened to me. It is very common. Even the AA big book describes it on page 52. They called it "the bedevilments" and they/we have a solution.