Mynameisbetsy

Hi everyone, I am here again posting to get more inspiring advice.

To get more details about my story, you can read my first post entitled LOVING AN ALCHOHOLIC.

After over a week of no contact, all of a sudden I am feeling down, sad and guilty.

After one and a half years I decided to end my relationship because of my boyfriends drinking behaviour(everything is detailed on my LOVING AN ALCHOHOLIC POST)

I am feeling guilty for the time I slammed the door on him because I was so angry. Guilty for the trime I threw his pack of cigarettes and lighter at his foot. Guilty for telling him “Go **** yourself!”

I was the most patient girlfriend and most respectful until we reached the latter part of our relationship. Now I regret those times I acted like that. I regret why I did those to him. I regret why I acted my anger and all of a sudden I feel this sense of longing and makes me wanna contact him and say sorry for everything I did.

Is this normal? I thought I was doing okay. All of a sudden Im crying as i remember the times i disrespected him by doing those things.

What should I do? Please im helpless and so down. My chest hurts a lot.

Ariesagain

First off, even healthy couples have arguments. Doors get slammed. Even happy couples tell each other off occasionally...it's human.

But second...of course you were hurt and angry...he is an active alcoholic and behaving in unacceptable ways. He was putting his addiction first, over you. You'd have to be a saint not to react with anger.

There is a stage of grieving called bargaining, where people tell themselves if they just do x or y, they can fix everything and go back to the way things were. It's an understandable response...we're a problem-solving species and we want to fix things.

His problem is not yours to solve. No actions you can take will make him better, and that's the hardest thing to accept.

Be gentle with yourself. It will get easier. Grieving takes time.

Sending you a hug.

tursiops999

hi Betsy ... I'm sorry for your situation. I read your other thread as well. It really seems like you've made a healthy step forward -- it didn't seem like there was anything else you could do, as your ex did not want to change.

I think it is normal to feel these things... I had similar feelings after I finally left an unhealthy relationship in the past (partner was not alcoholic, but was abusive in other ways). Although he had acted harmfully, I was distraught over my own mistakes and torn about reconnecting. It took me a long time to set a healthy boundary and end the relationship, and when I did, I went through a lot of guilt, anger, sadness, and other feelings.

The circumstances of my breakup were that we really could not speak for quite awhile, which turned out to be a blessing for me. I just focused on taking good care of myself and healing. Much later, I was able to write a letter taking responsibility for my part in our difficulties and apologizing for my side of it.

My suggestion would be to take very good care of yourself and allow time for grieving and healing. There may come an opportunity later to make amends if you still feel the need, but right now you need healing. You've made a good choice, and it will get easier as time goes by.