Pathwaytofree

My recovery is going well but I can't figure out how to get a life again. My life was such a facade and delusion. I was very dishonest to myself. I was faking it but I wasn't making it. Then again maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.

I can't seem to brush myself off and make a life for myself. I feel lost without a road map.

I can't seem to figure out how to structure my day, get things done, figure out what I want, set goals, take action. I am extremely unmotivated and can't push myself either. Little things seem to take an awful lot of effort. Things that people do automatically. I'm not sure why this is. This is certainly not how I want to live, but I don't know how I want to live.

I look around all the sober people in AA, and they seem to have figured out what I can't figure out.

ScottFromWI

It's definitely difficult to get motivated in early recovery.

For me starting simple was the best plan. You don't need to conquer the world in a day, and you'll most likely fail if you try to.

How about just writing down a simple list of things you want to do today - it could even just be one thing like "clean the living room". Or "go for a walk". Then maybe the next day you could cleand the kitchen AND go for a walk.

As addicts, we crave instant gratification - but the world is not set up to work that way. Over time your mind will adjust, just don't over-do it.

JD

Were there things you enjoyed doing before drinking got in the way? Set some goals to get back to those. For me it was hiking and backpacking. When I quit dinking I was out of shape and grossly over weight. I started with 15 minute walks and today I'm doing some serious trips. And I'm a year shy of 60. Don't expect anything to happen overt night. But if you keep at you'll be amazed where you can go. Baby steps.

Pathwaytofree

Thanks Scott. :-) Ironically, my sponsor called me out of the blue today and we talked about keeping things simple. I still complicate the heck out of everything. I remember years ago a therapist mentioning "baby steps" from that comedy "What about Bob" I think it was called.

That's a good idea. :-) It'll make things look less overwhelming and give me a direction to start.

Ugh such a good point.... Is that we procrastinate? And have all or nothing thinking? I always start things and never finish. Or I get impatient, like how slow results happen, etc. How do I recommend getting over this?

Pathwaytofree

That's a complicated question because I've spent my life not allowing myself to do things I think I would enjoy.

I'm terrible at goal setting. Any suggestions? That's cool you got back into hiking and backpacking. What a great way to connect with nature and be in the here & now.

All good advice. I've got to figure out what it is I want to do, set mini goals, and take the baby steps to reach them. I seriously have never done this before and I am afraid I won't be able to. I've lived my life on autopilot. I'm probably just overcomplicating it again though. Maybe it's not as difficult as it sounds.

tomsteve

[QUOTE=Pathwaytofree;6609770How do I recommend getting over this?[/QUOTE]

practice over T.I.M.E.

"I'm terrible at goal setting."
not really. you set a goal each morning to go to bed sober.
you set a goal at mealtime to make something to eat, then do it.
theres other things ya set goals for without realizing it.
because youve done it for some T.I.M.E.

Gottalife

When it comes to work or business objectives I am ok with goal setting. There is a business saying, if you aim at nothing, you are sure to hit it.

But on a personal level, not so much. I got into the popular culture, kind of a spinoff from business, that you gotta have goals etc, but I struggled to identify them, and when I did, a few days later I had changed my mind or forgotten about them altogether. I have trouble visualizing the future in a meaningful way.

I know folks who are great at planning. They have their whole life planned out from when they are children. And, unless they die on the way, they seem to mostly get what they wanted. I just don't relate to that. Goals that far out are so unreal to me.

Somewhere along the way the keep it simple principle kicked in. I realized my real purpose is to fit myself to be of maximum use to God and the people around me. There's a goal I can relate to because I can achieve it every day if I wish and take the action. For me a goal is my will, which is fine if it happens to be Gods will as well, but if it isn't I am back in self will and all the frustrations that go with that.

Getting my will in line with Gods will seems to be the real goal. Bringing that into effect seems to be very much influenced by how I start my day. A few moments prayer for guidance and the removal of self seeking motives, and a little meditation and thought around my plans for the day, seem to set me on the right track. You can read more on this in the directions for step 11.

The odd thing is, for as long as I have been living this way, God seems to have provided me with everything I need to live happily, which has included the freedom and resources to pursue a life long dream.

In the end, not many of my plans and designs worked out, but it transpired that God had much better things in store. A life beyond anything I could have imagined. If I couldn't imagine it, it would have been impossible to set a goal for it, so such goals as I had were really selling myself short. Faith with works is a better path IME.

Pathwaytofree

Thanks tomsteve. What does T.I.M.E. stand for?

That's a good point. I hadn't thought of that.

Pathwaytofree

That's a great saying and unfortunately true right now for my life.

Exactly. When you suddenly get off of the autopilot wheel and your head starts to stop spinning, it's hard to know what to do next.
OMG yes! That's such a good point! My closest longtime friend is like that. She was the type of person who knew what she wanted from life since she was young. She knew how to do life. It's like she seemed almost born with the ability to "fold laundry" and do all the stuff I still haven't figured out. She's tried to help me over the years but it just hasn't stuck. Thank goodness she's never gotten frustrated with me but it's embarrassing that it hasn't stuck and I don't know why.

I always wished I had a mentor for my life. You know like a wise uncle, a motherly teacher, a parent like boss or something. But I know that's not gonna happen this late in the game. My husband was able to sort of take things from people he met along the way. I could never seem to do that. Like I did well in school if a teacher sort of took me under their wing, but otherwise I got lost in the shuffle. And unfortunately therapists don't want to be mentors, they want you to figure sh*t out on your own, and I just can't. I have tried repeatedly and it's frustrating to no end.

My sponsor just said something about keeping it simple the other day (we were talking about nightly inventory.) But I'm just not sure I understand "how" to keep it simple. Maybe you can enlighten me. The only thing in my life I've been able to keep relatively simple is meal prep. Simplicity definitely brings me peace. I would be really grateful if you could go into more detail to help me understand the keep it simple principle, and how you are of maximum service to God and His people. Please PM me if you're not comfortable writing it here, but maybe it'd help other people like me who feel lost.

I love the idea of viewing that as a goal!! I think you hit on something there for me. I'm in a catch-22 at the moment because as much as I want to do prayer & meditation, my mind kicks in the second I wake up and has other ideas. As much as I hate the thought of increasing my SSRI's, I wonder if a small increase would help me to be able to do 10 and 11, and then once I'm in the routine I can tweak back down? I just hate the thought of relying on meds instead of relying on God. And this just makes me full of self hate all over again, because I've seen this stuff work for me and I don't know why I am not practicing my program. It's like my disease wants me to go back into the rabbit hole of self-pity and self-hate so that it can experience alcohol again. That pisses me off and scares me.

That is so beautiful. I need to trust Him more. I was trying to explain it to my sponsor this way--I have a fear of any sorta intimate relationship and the thought of SEEKING GOD to have a personal, intimate, honest relationship scares the crap out of me. Can you relate? Can anyone relate? I had this epiphany recently. It's not that God has let me down or anything like that. I've had many God shots and signs during my recovery. But somehow I let go of His hand. I got scared. This is really hard to talk about but I'm hoping at least a few of you on SR who do AA the big book way or other kind of spiritual way might understand or have similar experience. Having a personal relationship with anyone, let alone God, without alcohol or any other masks, just makes me want to run and hide.

I wish God could just send me a list of what He wants me to do and what He has in store, why can't it be like that. (obviously I don't mean really mean that). It's so hard to seek Him and hear the intuitive thoughts. This spiritual stuff is so abstract and intangible and that's what really frustrates me a lot.

I am happy for you that you trusted God and seeked His will and that He has given you a life beyond anything you imagined. The gift of recovery!

How do you recommend I go about having more faith and works?

Thanks and sorry for the rambling. I'm trying to be honest with myself and this helps.

Bunny211

How much sober time do you have? Don't be so hard on yourself. I tried to do too much early on. My eyes weren't even pointed in the same direction when I walked into the halls. My advice - early on, keep it simple. Go to meetings. Ask for help. Get a sponsor. Do the next right thing in front of you and wonderful things will happen. My first year I was a complete train wreck. Good lord. I put on 65lbs, I cried constantly, I smoked like a chimney, I barely slept etc. It gets better and it gets easier. Today I have a blanced, healthy life. It's normal to feel out of control when you first get sober. I liken it to Rip Van Winkle....you wake up and go "AHH Oh My God, my life is a disaster, what happened?!" and you want to fix it immediately. Don't. Baby steps. One thing at a time. Rest. Drink water. Eat healthy. Go to meeting. Get a sponsor. I know I am repeating myself...but keep it simple in the beginning. Everyone was a newcomer at some point in time.


XOXOXO

Gottalife

Hi PTF,

Having some trouble quoting today, so I will just post a couple of general comments.

A book that is very useful if you can't sleep ( little joke) is William James Varieties of Religious Experience.

In it he talks about the "once born" and the "twice born" the latter coming from a conversion experience. The once born are the folks like your friend. They just fit into life, have no problems, know where they are going . We all know plenty of them. The twice born are the once born who didn't quite get it right on the first go.

My life was like that. It crashed on take off. Unhappy, useless, no sense of purpose, couldn't fit in, full of fear all of that stuff. According to James, folks like me, not always alcoholic either, had been known to have spontaneous conversion or spiritual experiences, which had given them a second chance. They were reborn with a whole new set of ideas and attitudes, and the former misery departed. The prerequisite for this was complete defeat and surrender.

So those of us in AA who had spiritual experiences were reborn, or became what WJ called, twice born. Asleep yet?

The steps are the AA path to that experience.

The gift of sobriety? It is not a gift, a price has to be paid and that is the destruction of self centredness. Not everyone is prepared to pay that price.

I guess evidence of paying the price will be faith with works. Again from the big book, unless a person continues to perfect and enlarge their spiritual life through work and self sacrifice for others, they could not survive the certain trials and low spots that lay ahead.

In the end it all breaks down to a simple formula, trust God, clean house, and help others.

There is another fellowship called all addicts anonymous. It is like AA squared. They have a recommended daily practice that is very effective, much much tougher to do than it sounds. I think it would be worth a try.

Get out of bed one hour early.
Read big book or other spiritual material for 20 minutes.
Meditate for 20 minutes
Exercise for 20 minutes.

Try it for a few weeks and see how you feel.

PhoenixJ

Most of my adult life was a series of events..connections always in the company of alcohol. In some ways the real me only woke up about 20 months ago. To cope with the horror of my ultimate rock-b and heal and grow...for goals and plans I
- Keep it simple.
- Set 4 or 5 goals which can be achieved 9not bullsh.t ones- but real ones) that can be met in 6 months.
- set daily goals...the night before, by having a running list of to do stuff.
- journal if stuff happens
- look to over 6 months time...to begin working on.
- get help- from counselor, finance people, computer geeks- who ever to help me realise my goals.

Behappy1

I agree with setting a FEW goals to accomplish a day in early recovery. I would find myself off of several days drinking @ night, looking around that a house that was in disarray, a yard that needed mowed, work that need to be finished , laundry that needed done, shrubs that needed cleaned. I would then go into a "frenzy" trying to get things back in order. No way I could accomplish this in ONE day, get down on myself, frustrated with my "lack of completing these goals" and go buy a bottle. Rinse and repeat for years. I mainly drank at night, but was hungover in the day so I couldn't get much done on my to do list.

I've learned that my standards are just too high. I needed to take baby steps on completing these things and not be so hard on myself. Hope this helps. If you're in early recovery some days it was just completing some work, unloading the dishwasher, cooking dinner and the rest was binging on netflix until that kids get home.

Setting unrealistic goals to complete in a day ALWAYS threatened my sobriety.

site1Q84

My first goal was to get outside, and by myself. I didn't spend much time outside when I was drinking. I did 1 hour a day, and after a week I started doing a little more when I could. Spending that quiet time with myself helped me get to know me a little better. I would just walk every morning - some fresh air and no one else around can do a lot to clear your head! The exercise helped too.

From there I added more and more goals, but take your time and figure out what you really enjoy!

tomsteve

Things I Must Earn
which happens over time

Pathwaytofree

Enough that I shouldn't be in this place.

That is a really good point. I stressed myself out over my step work and procrastinated a lot during my 4th step. So I think I'm just now fully "coming to".

Can you give me examples of what this looks like?

I bet you must help a lot of people, Bunny. :-)
Thank you

Pathwaytofree

I've heard that book is very popular amongst AAers. I've been too intimidated to read it. I probably won't be able to focus on it.

That's so cool he mentions that. I often find myself going back to the old way of thinking that I'm the only one.

I was reborn. I felt it. Although I still didn't have goals/structure. Maybe it's a question of being back in fear or listening to my mind/ego or something. I'm not sure.

Nope! I understand this since I experienced it when I took the steps.

Lol yup I just wrote that, too funny. So I got it but lost it.

I was more than eager and 100% willing to destruct my self centerdness at steps 6/7. It was a pretty awesome experience.

Yup I think that's where I'm at. :-(

I'm a big fan of that "prescription". Just not sure how to put it into PRACTICE. Maybe you can help me understand how to.

I've heard some of their phone meetings. I didn't know they have a recommended daily practice.

That is an excellent daily practice!!! I'd love to follow it if I could find the energy to do so. I'm printing this out and taping it to my mirror. I would love to do those things. I know they work. If I didn't have such crushing fatigue I would do them in a heartbeat. Today I tried walking with a friend and I was doing fine but all of a sudden I felt like the wind was completely blown out of my sail and I had to stop.

Pathwaytofree

Thanks Phoenix this is helpful. Now I just have to figure out the goals.

Pathwaytofree

I know exactly what you mean. I'd exhaust myself from being overwhelmed from having too much to do. Or I'd look at all that needed to be done, procrastinate, and completely exhaust myself from just thinking about all the stuff that I didn't do yet........

My standards are too high too. It was part of the facade of alcoholism I guess. I also need to learn how to just take baby steps and not demand perfectionism out of myself.

It does help. :-) That's what my days are like now but I'm not early on. I used to work full time. Maybe I'm just exhausted from all these years I don't know I wish I knew so I could get on with my life.

Same here. Much easier to turn to wine to make the lists go away. I'd always make insanely long lists and then get nothing done.

Pathwaytofree

I used to walk and it did help to clear my head. Fresh air is invigorating.