mellbell

hi, I totally relate to a post about the pink cloud. *every time* I get sober, esp. with medical detox, I come out feeling like I could take on the world, and it's gonna "stick" this time.... but then I crash and burn. That's what I'm going thru right now, I'm about 3 weeks sober, in Outpatient therapy for dual-diagnosis (actually multi-diagnosis! Alcohol, depression, anxiety & PTSD, on top of which I have chronic pain from arthritis, and yes I have to take pain meds. No judgment pls, I get enough of that in "the rooms"). Today was a roller coaster, great when I was in group, but slowly the pain built up, came home, ran errands, got overheated (90 degrees, no A/C in car), came home to hang out with a friend, went to dinner with her & our respective boyfriends, which was nice. But late this afternoon I got a *horrible* headache, which I hardly ever get (from the heat? not sure. Took an Rx Ibuprofen, didn't touch it). Made me very irritable, snapped at my bf & friends then had to apologize. Took pain meds as prescribed, that helped.

When I'm in early sobriety I have terrible insomnia (hence posting at 3:30 a.m.). I just "give in" to it, nobody ever died from lack of sleep, as it says in Living Sober. But it doesn't put me at my best for group tomorrow! And I found myself thinking, "I don't wanna go, I'll just stay home & relax" - by myself, bf is working, and I know full well I want to drink. First time in 3 weeks. And for me, to drink is to die. Already have physical symptoms (damage to liver & pancreas), not to mention the wreckage I still have to clean up. No, no, no! First thought wrong!!!


I've been doing this for***f i f t e e n*** years.... 6 rehabs, 12 step, inpatient, outpatient, sober living, ad nauseum. Lost everything, gained it back (materially anyway), have a great home, a great bf who loves & supports me and doesn't drink, and regained my desire to live. Shaking my head at my own stupidity, or rather that of the 'addict brain.' I cannot go back to drinking a fifth of vodka a day, around the clock because I pass out for a few hours & wake up in withdrawals, terrified of DT's (went thru that once, thought I was gonna die). What the f*** is it gonna take????!!!

I was journaling the last day in the hospital (Wed last week.) and wrote, "I deserve this. I have suffered enough. I will have my life back." But right now, I just want the bottle back. It all seems too hard, esp. with mental health issues, and in therapy to deal with long-buried memories of sexual abuse. Gahhhh! No wonder I just want to make it all go away! Always have... always will??? Part of me truly believes I cannot survive without some substance to take the pain, the intense feelings, the overwhelm away. I hope by writing all this down I can release it and not let it fester, eating away at my resolve and the GOOD feelings I've had these past few weeks.

Anyway, thanks for "listening," & allowing me to get it out. I hope I can go to group tomorrow, come home & nap, then go see my therapist. I have LOTS of support, just not at 3:30 in the morning! Thanks again.

mellbell

As I posted this, the song on the radio was Bonnie Raitt, "I Will Not Be Broken." How's that for a God-shot??!! Ok, ok, God, I hear you!
I may have the thoughts, but I DON"T have to act on them. I have the ability to choose, to use my coping skills, etc. Thanks again.

Melanie

Jules714

Hi.
For me, just sticking with it this time has helped me see I cannot live like that anymore. The further away I get from my last drink the better off I am. Thinking through the drink and recalling the withdrawl stops me from picking up.
There is nothing left for me in the bottle.
Sober isn't exactly skimming stones but it's better than constant fear, being consumed with thinking of a drink, finding a drink, drinking and doing damage control.
Congrats on your time. I find it gets better each day, but it's a rollercoaster somedays.
GL,
Jules

ScottFromWI

Welcome melbell . I struggled to quit for years too, so don't give up hope. We all have it in us to make the necessary changes, you included. You will find a lot of support here on SR and I hope we can help you make this be the time that you find long term sobriety.

doggonecarl

You've detoxed. So the physical addiction is gone. You are dealing with the mental part of alcoholism. I don't know what tools your 6 rehabs have provided you for dealing with cravings...but everyone who has quit has had them. And everyone who is still sober have gotten past them.

You can to.