TheNinaBean

I'm brand new to this. Today is day 4 for me. I decided to quit drinking when I realized that it wasn't everyone else, it was me. I'm the issue. I have never realized this before. Jan 2016, I was in rehab. I volunteered to go and figured I needed help. It didn't last. Of course I made excuses for myself to drink. I don't really think I was ready honestly. I am now but I'm having a difficult time because it's my second time around and everyone around family-wise, isn't being too helpful. So I have all these deep feelings and horrible thoughts. Day 3 seemed to be easy! I was happy and knew I was doing the right thing. Today? My mind is overloaded with so many questions that I can't seem to get an honest answer to. They just keep coming at me. My issue is that when I'm at a meeting, I feel great. But what about those days like today where I'm angry and in my head. How do you get past it? I want answers from my sober spouse on **** he's done. All the stuff I've been drinking to stay away, is now front and center. I talk to people who tell me their story and say it gets better but when I want to get open and vent, I get told it gets better and what they did. It's like great! But what about this issue I'm having and trying to tell you? I feel like because I'm so early in this, everyone is already looking at me like a failure. My husband and I are separated. We have a very hard time communicating (Him) and trusting (Me on him). He's done alot of stuff that's hurtful that I kept buried with alcohol. He has as well but hes been sober for 18 months now. I've been told "I have a disease" and "That was drunk me" many times. But sober him has done some of the same stuff! So now I'm asking why and trying to get answers but instead he is telling me to stop having a pity party for myself. That we are separated because of my actions when drunk and it's going to take alot of time to fix it. OKay? But i'm trying to work on them now? How is you dating other people and lying about it to me okay? I have a disease. That was the drunk me. Why are you telling everyone but me how much you love me and want to be with me? Why am I getting the cold shoulder and awkwardness from you every time I see you? Why do I feel that you don't care and that your more pissed off that I'm becoming sober so you can use it as a reason we're not together?

Wow.. I'm babbling. Sorry. I'm not eating. I'm not sleeping. I'm constantly clenching my teeth until they hurt. I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to get through my issues so I can make it until tomorrow. Problems don't just go away if you "find something to do to occupy your mind". They will be there until you deal with them. How do I deal with them so I can move past it?

Again, so very sorry for the anger. By the way... I have 2 special needs kids and I'm home alone. I can't just run off to a meeting.

-Nina

Doug39

For 27 long years I made a million and one excuses everyday why I couldn't get sober.

sugarbear1

Private message me if you want links to online meetings. Those 12 steps saved my life and allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin, without needing or wanting to numb myself!

ScottFromWI

Welcome Nina and congrats on day 4. It's totally normal to not feel normal in the early days of being sober, but things will definitely improve.

As others have mentioned there are a lot of avenues for support that don't require you to leave home. Online meetings, our chat room and the forums themselves are a tremendous resource. Some even use SR as their sole source of recovery support.

PhoenixJ

Hi NinaBean good for asking questions- you show want to heal. Stuff does not magically get better for me. It takes work/action- decisions/a plan. So a see a doc for physical check ups, monitoring my depression. I see a counsellor on dealing with problem solving everyday life- wrt booze. I see a psychologist to use CBT, to sort out my past and grow emotionally. I go often to meetings- to show commitment, socialise, get and share support, learn and just to get out of my headspace. I write stuff down and paint- to learn about when I do get angry. I use mindful breathing to cope with moments of strong emotions/pain/loneliness. I remember HALTS (hungry,angry,lonely, tired/thirsty and sad)- because often I will find that my emotions can feel worse- if I have any of those things. I fix what I can- eat,rest,hydrate,socialise...and if I cannot I find a way to help myself. Like posting at SR lots- especially at night. ANYTHING but drink. This stuff all works a little bit, but lots of little bits added together help me to heal and grow without booze.
Support to you.

esinger

Drinking away your problems always seems like a good idea but it always exacerbates the situation. Once you are sober for a while you can see the futility in it all. There are many opinions on how to stay sober but I believe it ultimately starts with really wanting to.
I'm not a big proponent of the disease theory of substance abuse but that's irrelevant. Anyone that uses "I have a disease" as an excuse is avoiding taking responsibility for their own bad behavior. Once an a-hole gets sober you have a sober a-hole, right? I know this first hand and have used that excuse on several occasions. Sounds like your spouse has his own issues to work on and you can't own that.
My advise would be to work on your own sobriety and well being and try to let the rest go for the time being. It's much easier and more productive to deal with adverse situations once you have a clear head. Easier said than done but it can be done, trust me.
You can get lots of information this site and advice from the good people here. Ultimately the work is up to you.
Good Luck!

TheNinaBean

I would LOVE those links!!!

Thank you to all of you who responded!! I am so much better today! I'm wondering if everyone has a bi-polar event in the beginning?? Today I'm happy! I've exercised! I've prayed! I've read! and I'm even baking muffins to take to my meeting later on tonight! I calculated things as well which scared the hell out of me. By not drinking the past 4 nights, I've stopped over 4205 calories from entering my body! I'll also save $108 dollars or more this week and the next!! I'm happy! I can't wait to get more time under my belt!