zjw

I was gone for a week from my family with my daughter basicly at band camp. I came home and I'm realizing well I sorta new it already but i'm really being reminded by my family how much of a pain i am and how no one really wants me around and how life was so much better while i was gone. Reminded by my wife how I care about no one but myself etc..

I basicly feel pretty unwanted. Its difficult because I do recognize some of there gripes about me. I do and I do try but at the end of the day i am what i am and i'm trying.

I also wonder too if all i'm hearing is the bad and I'm not noticing the good things they might be saying. Tho I'm pretty sure its basicly all bad stuff i hear.

Anyhow its driving me down into the dumps and I"m battling to keep my spirits up shedding lots of tears in private so I'm not more of a burden to them etc..

I dunno what to do. I dont seem to have these issues in other social circles what limited ones i do have. Tho I suppose i'm a bit winded and I tend to bore people with the same stuff all the time and people tend to get a look on there face like "is he done talking yet" when i talk about stuff.

so maybe the problems are just me and i'm really that terrible and am just failing to recognize it.

I'm desperately trynig to be happy and greatful and so on. But I feel as if I just keep getting torn down. Or well maybe thats all i'm noticing anyhow is the bad and I need to change my perspective?

Starting to wonder if i'm just going nuts. while gone I felt fine sure I struggled being away from my family and I had a bad day. But I was so excited to come home i didnt even stopped for lunch just hurried home because i missed my family. But then i came home and well it seems like no one wants me here.

zjw

took my kids out and got them some treats (course i got them treats while i was gone too lol) anyhow I had to run a few errands so I got them some goodies. It made me feel good. I sometimes wonder if i shoudla just skipped fatherhood adn gone straight to being a grand parent.

maybe i'm just trying to please everyone again or seeking approval for stuff i'll just never get it for I dunno.

sorta confused but I feel better for now.

newhope01

I can relate to how you feel.

When I came home from treatment no one would talk to me but my husband. Than no matter what I did, it wasn't the right thing or wasn't good enough. I had a better relationship with my family before I admitted a problem and went to treatment.

I thought they would be happy and supportive but instead I don't talk to any of them anymore. Just my husband.

But, I was an ass at times when I was drinking so in a way I know I probably deserve this kind of treatment. I think all we (I) can do is to continue to stay away from the booze and do the right thing. Anything else is beyond my control and I have to just let it be.

zjw

yeah in early sobriety as i tried to claw my way out of my pit i always felt like my wife was trying stuff me back in it some how tearing me down. Maybe like misery loves company. That improved to some degree over the years.

But yes to be honest lately it is earily reminding me of those days and thats worrisome. IT has me confused at times too like am i back sliding have i not made any improvements am I somehow ruining there lives by trying to be more postiive and make things better?

Its almost liek somehow my wife really liked the miserable drunk guy but this new guy she has issue wiht at times? I dunno.


I think people tend to get cozy in there own poo. I get it but lately its been kinda rough around here.

newhope01

There is the whole issue of family dynamics to consider too. Maybe your wife is having trouble adjusting to no longer being the caregiver or perhaps your family is feeling a bit loss without having a scapegoat to blame for everything now? I'm not sure because I don't know enough about your situation.

Have you tried opening up a conversation with your wife? Or maybe some family counseling? We can't expect folks to be mind readers and we can't claim to have the ability either.

silentrun

Z, it sounds like you are depressed. Depression distorts perception just like alcohol does. It lies just like booze does. No way is your family better off when you are gone. If I remember correctly you are not seeing a professional about this. You are already taking care of yourself and doing as much as you can and you might need some outside help.

My distorted perception made me feel like what you are describing. I was projecting my negative view of myself onto other people. I didn't like me so I assumed everyone else saw the same thing I did. I had to learn to put up my hand and tell it NO! just like I had to do with my thoughts of using in early recovery. That pattern of thinking has proven more difficult to escape than my drinking. Even now if I get tired or stressed they try to worm themselves back in and before I know it I'm beating myself up for things that happened 30 years ago and ruminating. Things that help me are: listening to love songs or upbeat music, being thankful for the good things in my life, watching videos of human acts of kindness...anything that distracts me from the negative. This thread is really great. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...irls-club.html

It's all patterns for me. Sometimes my mind tries to snap back into the old ways and I need to chase it down and force myself not to get down on myself because putting myself down is oh so familiar. It's also not good for me or anyone who cares about me.

zjw

ya know silent run i wont lie i'm down in the dumps lately. But i think its sorta the other way around. I think shes very down and shes trying to steal my thunder away. I sometimes wonder if i'm slapped with guilt trips so that i'll agree to whatever. as if its some sort of manipulation tactic. Knowingly or not I dunno.

No i'm not seeing a therapist but recently someone said something to me about that and said that while it wont solve my problems seeing one might be one more thing i I can do to try and help things that could at least be worth a try. Something clicked when put to me that way. IE just one more thing in my toolbox ya know.. But at this moment its a financial thing and well more time away from the family for poor me and my problems etc.. I"m wearly i'll feel guilty for even going or be made to feel guilty. I dunno. Not a whole lot of money to go around so I'm trying to make the best of things is all.

But its been sorta confusing i'm taking positive steps doing good things or well thigns I'd seem to think are good then i get ripped apart one way or another and and I think gosh I though I was doing a good thing here and by many peoples opinions I am.

But I feel as if i'm never good enough for my wife and that i'm needed but not wanted if that makes any sense.

I really hate to even air it here but I'm at a loss lately. Feel like i'm beating a dead horse.

If i do discuss feelings I either get told how i shoudlnt feel as such and guilted some more OR told how i shouldnt be telling her how to feel and guilted for that. I really cant win.

I tend to smile and nod and keep my mouth shut as much as i can.

zjw

and you all know the inner addict is liek F it all. all the positive steps you've taken all the good you've done F it just go get drunk and sit under a bridge it semes like eveyrone was happier then everyone but me that is.

I think my kids are happy tho. I think there considerably better off. I mean geeze i just had a great time with my daughter all week etc.. I got told i dunno how many times what a good dad i am for taking her and such etc..

but according to my wife i'm no good ::shrug::

zjw

this is all good stuff. I typically just reach into my tool box fo stuff to lift my spirits back up it is what it is i'm used to it theres gonna be bad days etc..

I guess it just stung bad this time and I feel if i just sit around and think thankful thoughts or do my usual routine to life my spirts thats not addressing the real issue.

I'm upset about how she feels about me. But I cant change how she feels it is what it is. and I'm sure she doesnt want her feelings ignored either what women does? lol. BUt its like i cant do anything right so i dunno.

silentrun

She probably does have her own issues. You guys have a lot of stress with your young family and you have mentioned finances before. It's hard to stay upbeat all the time and you shouldn't be expected too. I think it's OK to feel it and talk it out. When a person starts thinking that their family would be better off if they left is when it gets into that dangerous territory.

zjw

I think you hit the nail on the head. thats why i posted and I think your responses really highlights how low i might be sinking and not even be aware myself.

zjw

Its tough tho. Being gone for a week had a great time with my daughter so excited to come home and see the kids. I love my kids more then anything and cant wait to clown around with them etc..

but then i feel as if i'm made to feel like dirt . so it gets kinda confusing i go along happily everything seems great etc..

zjw

deep down tho I honestly want her approval. and I dont think i'm goning to get it. and I SHOULD be able to go along and function happily regardless. if that makes any sense.

silentrun

I wouldn't be happy or functional if I thought my husband didn't approve of me. That's a very important relationship to me and I need to feel his love and approval.

Gottalife

That was a very brave post zjw, full credit for honesty and humility. What you describe is like something we in AA land have known about for a long time. It gets special attention in the big book :

" Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!"

In a book that is "suggestive" only, this is a powerful statement. There might be some truth in it.

This is not, of course, going to be an issue for the problem drinker. They stop drinking and things are fine. But for the real alcoholic, it seems quite common among us, that when we stay sober on our own, or stop doing the things that got us sober, or lose our spiritual connection, or never develop a spiritual connection, that we get taken to a place such as you describe.

I have been there myself. It doesn't neccesarily mean I am going to drink, but life sure gets tough for me and those around me. Returning to the steps and working with others again proved to be the solution.

The book stuff above describes pretty much the discoveries I made with my fourth step. Not easy to face and probably why a lot of people run away at this point. But truly, I was my own worst enemy and didn't seem to be able to change that much on my own power. However, through the subsequent steps it did change, and the rough patches are rare these days, and only happen when self cuts me off from the Power. I know how to fix that now.

Berrybean

There is a really good book about Love Languages which might help. It suggests that we all have different ways of understanding and expressing love, and that often when things break down it is because both people are trying in their own way to express their love and affection, not managing to get that message across, feeling bereft because they are not getting the message from their partner, and frustrated because nothing they do to show thier love seems to please their spouse. It could be a useful read in your situation.

It's called The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
by Gary Chapman.

Hope things get better soon.
BB

BullDog777

i can relate. However, I kinda took a slightly different approach than what others mentioned.

When i finally got out of the hospital and rehab, i could see the mistrust, the hurt and the disgust all over my wife's face no matter how she tried to hide it....often times there was no "trying to hide it" either.

However, something I learned in therapy and in group was that this was MY doing. This was the illness I propelled my family into. There were MY lies. My deceit. MY rage, MY hurt, MY destruction. I threw that tornado of hurt all over them with little or no regard to how they felt about it. So they were pissed. Rightfully so.

I deserved it...healthy or not, It was me who f%cked it all up. I remember talking to my therapist and kinda unloaded all my feelings on the subject...She looked at me and said...and i'll never forget this...."Well what the hell did you expect?" I said in "Not this!" She leaned back in her chair and told me to man up and take the s#it and stop feeling sorry for myself. She went on to say.."Every argument you have from here till at least the year mark...YOU better lose. Because...right or wrong you deserve that s#it too" I didn't wanna hear that...who would?

She did have a point though...in any relationship you have to pick your battles. Especially when you put her and the rest of your family through a war. Ultimately, it was all on me.... All I could do was my best to fix it and let her be mad or sad or ambivalent for as long as it took. Trust was the longest to get back. In my experience, I couldn't push this in any way. I just had to be there if she wanted to scream at me or congratulate me for a good day.

I hung in there. I let it run it's course and she came back to me. If it's one thing i could give you is patience...just...sometimes doing nothing and letting her go through her own process...at least for me... was so much more effective than trying to fix it and imposing my will.

Hurt or not, I had to be a rock early on.It required some thick a$$ skin development, fast. It's what was required of me to push through the years and years of hell i dragged my family through. This was the first time I think I just put their feelings far above mine for as long as they'd let me .

This was where I learned that recovery wasn't all about me...That just because i had delt with it...they had to be allowed to be on their own timetable for their own recovery.

Hang in...it get's easier.

Ken33xx

Perhaps consider seeing a family counselor for an opinion on your particular situation. Seeking advise on a recovery forum can be quite useful. However, for health, financial or family matters I prefer an outside perspective.

zjw

ya know your not the first to suggest this book i'm going to have to get it!

Berrybean

Really?

I must admit, I found it very interesting. Not just in relation to how me and my partner interact, but also just having a raised awareness of how kids I work with might understand affection (many of them are non verbal so actions really do speak louder than words in that environment ).

It can't hurt to give it a go. Good luck.