Fear of Abandonment
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Fear of Abandonment
I have terrible abandonment issues. If I believe I am being abandoned by someone I love, I am triggered to relapse because I think the person might stay if they see I need their help. It's a nasty AV trick that preys on a very sensitive part of me.
It has come up for me recently. I am in control of it, but I thought I'd put it out there in case anyone else has experienced these feelings.
It has come up for me recently. I am in control of it, but I thought I'd put it out there in case anyone else has experienced these feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
Sounds a bit like a cart-before-the-horse thing to me.
I'm one of those who isn't wild about the term "trigger" because to me, it kind of boils down to "excuse." I drank because I was addicted to alcohol, and any excuse would do.
Drinking was my default way of coping with ANY issue, including those relating to abandonment (which I still have), but I had to get sober and stay that way for a while first before I could do any meaningful work on learning how to deal with those issues in a more constructive way than drinking over them. Fear is fear -- whether it's about abandonment or failure or success or intimacy or what have you.
Abstinence no matter what came first -- the rest followed.
I'm one of those who isn't wild about the term "trigger" because to me, it kind of boils down to "excuse." I drank because I was addicted to alcohol, and any excuse would do.
Drinking was my default way of coping with ANY issue, including those relating to abandonment (which I still have), but I had to get sober and stay that way for a while first before I could do any meaningful work on learning how to deal with those issues in a more constructive way than drinking over them. Fear is fear -- whether it's about abandonment or failure or success or intimacy or what have you.
Abstinence no matter what came first -- the rest followed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
I had an ex partner who would sometimes drink when she *perceived* that we had argued or I was threatening to leave. Very often I genuinely struggled to see why she saw things that way...I felt we had had a normal interaction or disagreement. Or maybe I had spoken up about something I found difficult or unacceptable.
Layer she took to self harming...cutting herself.
When angry she blamed both on me...she said she cut herself because of 'how I made her feel'.
I had a lot of help with this difficult relationship and was able to see that neither the drinking or the cutting were my fault and in many ways this behaviour is manipulative.
Luckily my own experience reminded me that noone could ever make me drink. It was never their fault, no matter how much I tried to make it so in my drinking days. In dealing with my own alcoholism I also had to see that no matter how bad I felt I could not use my feelings as an excuse to drink.
P
Layer she took to self harming...cutting herself.
When angry she blamed both on me...she said she cut herself because of 'how I made her feel'.
I had a lot of help with this difficult relationship and was able to see that neither the drinking or the cutting were my fault and in many ways this behaviour is manipulative.
Luckily my own experience reminded me that noone could ever make me drink. It was never their fault, no matter how much I tried to make it so in my drinking days. In dealing with my own alcoholism I also had to see that no matter how bad I felt I could not use my feelings as an excuse to drink.
P
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time Briar. I think it's great that you recognize what is happening though, and that you came here proactively to disciss it. I think it's also very important that you realize that it's all AV talking right now. Andante is right on the money in that at the end of the day any stressful situation can be called a "trigger", but we don't drink specifically because of one. Our fear of facing reality/wanting to escape any problem is the issue. And as alcoholic we falsely believe that drinking will help...which of course is wrong as the opposite happens.
The fact that you are here right now though shows that you have learned other ways to deal with life. Calling on your support network instead of drinking is proof that you have made a lot of progresses.
The fact that you are here right now though shows that you have learned other ways to deal with life. Calling on your support network instead of drinking is proof that you have made a lot of progresses.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Thanks for the responses.
Paulokes - truthfully I do have some insight into what your girlfriend was thinking. In my younger years, I struggled with playing those same absurd games when I feared someone might leave me. It has been incredibly humbling and painful to face that and break it down. I had my logic set up so that the obvious solution to any problem was drinking.
Recovery has meant untying countless knots in my thinking.
Paulokes - truthfully I do have some insight into what your girlfriend was thinking. In my younger years, I struggled with playing those same absurd games when I feared someone might leave me. It has been incredibly humbling and painful to face that and break it down. I had my logic set up so that the obvious solution to any problem was drinking.
Recovery has meant untying countless knots in my thinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
and if the person stayed because they think you need their help...then a whole other messy dynamic sets up, with you knowing they are there because you seem 'needy' instead of being there freely, and you will worry about their genuine wishes, and they will feel tied and resentful, and you will worry about that, and you will feel prevented from 'getting healthy', because then getting healthy translates to loss...
knots.
untying them will ultimately free you. but they can feel like safety while they're tied.
knots.
untying them will ultimately free you. but they can feel like safety while they're tied.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Originally Posted by Briar 
Thanks for the responses.
Paulokes - truthfully I do have some insight into what your girlfriend was thinking. In my younger years, I struggled with playing those same absurd games when I feared someone might leave me. It has been incredibly humbling and painful to face that and break it down. I had my logic set up so that the obvious solution to any problem was drinking.
Recovery has meant untying countless knots in my thinking.
Paulokes - truthfully I do have some insight into what your girlfriend was thinking. In my younger years, I struggled with playing those same absurd games when I feared someone might leave me. It has been incredibly humbling and painful to face that and break it down. I had my logic set up so that the obvious solution to any problem was drinking.
Recovery has meant untying countless knots in my thinking.
In case it wasn't clear Fear of Abandonment is a painful place to be. ..I know this pretty well from personal perspective.
The fact that 'AV' so often uses these emotions to bring one back to the thought of drink/relapse should make it pretty clear that this is essentially about alcoholism. Whatever the painful emotions underneath are...I think the trick is to be sure that drink is never am answer to them.
P
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Posts: 739
One time I actually wondered if a family member dying was "a good enough excuse to have a drink". Honestly, sometimes we are a bizarre bunch!!
Of course, there's no excuse for me taking a drink. I choose whether or not I drink.
Another point, Briar- for me, one of the best things about being sober is not being seen as needy/infantile/helpless and so on.
Being able to face the world as a respectable adult is wonderful.
I'm glad to hear you are in control of the AV and good job for putting it out there for discussion.
Of course, there's no excuse for me taking a drink. I choose whether or not I drink.
Another point, Briar- for me, one of the best things about being sober is not being seen as needy/infantile/helpless and so on.
Being able to face the world as a respectable adult is wonderful.
I'm glad to hear you are in control of the AV and good job for putting it out there for discussion.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Originally Posted by fini
and if the person stayed because they think you need their help...then a whole other messy dynamic sets up, with you knowing they are there because you seem 'needy' instead of being there freely, and you will worry about their genuine wishes, and they will feel tied and resentful, and you will worry about that, and you will feel prevented from 'getting healthy', because then getting healthy translates to loss...
knots.
untying them will ultimately free you. but they can feel like safety while they're tied.
knots.
untying them will ultimately free you. but they can feel like safety while they're tied.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Originally Posted by fini
"If I believe I am being abandoned by someone I love, I am triggered to relapse because...."
do you believe that triggers cause relapse, Briar?
do you believe that triggers cause relapse, Briar?
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Originally Posted by fini
everyone will leave me eventually, if not intermittently. and i them.
having that NOT feel like/be abandonment but just people living their lives...challenging.
having that NOT feel like/be abandonment but just people living their lives...challenging.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
it helps me to see us all as already gone / gone away.
it helps me by allowing appreciation without needy clinging.
but yeah, easier said than done.
i read somewhere this response to the " glass half full vs glass half empty":
the glass is alrady broken!
that struck me as extremely wise and helpful.
it helps me by allowing appreciation without needy clinging.
but yeah, easier said than done.
i read somewhere this response to the " glass half full vs glass half empty":
the glass is alrady broken!
that struck me as extremely wise and helpful.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Originally Posted by fini
it helps me to see us all as already gone / gone away.
it helps me by allowing appreciation without needy clinging.
but yeah, easier said than done.
i read somewhere this response to the " glass half full vs glass half empty":
the glass is alrady broken!
that struck me as extremely wise and helpful.
it helps me by allowing appreciation without needy clinging.
but yeah, easier said than done.
i read somewhere this response to the " glass half full vs glass half empty":
the glass is alrady broken!
that struck me as extremely wise and helpful.
Perhaps this works because it removes the expectations we have about our relationships. It can just be what it is, when it is.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The pamphlet Emotional Sobriety talks about something like this in more detail. It refers to unhealthy dependence on others to satisfy our instinctual drives.
As an end stage alcoholic, I pretty much lived by instincts and had tremendous fears about them not being satisfied. I can relate quite well to what Bill wrote. In life sober, when the main basis of my decision making was about satisfying instincts, in other words alcoholic thinking, I was almost always in conflict with someone, either internally or externally.
It seems, as Bill suggests, all these unhealthy dependencies must be broken, even dependence on AA, in favor of a higher power. My journey has allowed me to do that, and tremendous freedom has been the result. That doesn't mean I don't continue to participate in AA and practice the program, it means I am not meeting (people) dependent.
The price for this freedom was taking the steps, a price not many are willing to pay.
As an end stage alcoholic, I pretty much lived by instincts and had tremendous fears about them not being satisfied. I can relate quite well to what Bill wrote. In life sober, when the main basis of my decision making was about satisfying instincts, in other words alcoholic thinking, I was almost always in conflict with someone, either internally or externally.
It seems, as Bill suggests, all these unhealthy dependencies must be broken, even dependence on AA, in favor of a higher power. My journey has allowed me to do that, and tremendous freedom has been the result. That doesn't mean I don't continue to participate in AA and practice the program, it means I am not meeting (people) dependent.
The price for this freedom was taking the steps, a price not many are willing to pay.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
https://www.lionsroar.com/six-kinds-of-loneliness/
Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron talks about the concept she calls "Hot Lonliness." It's that unhinged, all-alone feeling that drives us to seek relief through addictive behaviors.
p.s. almost everyone has this, some, perhaps, more acutely than others.
Learning to sit through the hot loneliness, even for just a few seconds at a time, is the path of enlightenment.
Here's an awesome video maybe you've seen by Glennon Doyle Melton on learning to overcome that abandoned feeling. She says all that pain is FOR YOU to grow and heal. Don't make that pain go away like so many others would. Embrace it and learn from it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpBnGHjda14
Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron talks about the concept she calls "Hot Lonliness." It's that unhinged, all-alone feeling that drives us to seek relief through addictive behaviors.
p.s. almost everyone has this, some, perhaps, more acutely than others.
Learning to sit through the hot loneliness, even for just a few seconds at a time, is the path of enlightenment.
Here's an awesome video maybe you've seen by Glennon Doyle Melton on learning to overcome that abandoned feeling. She says all that pain is FOR YOU to grow and heal. Don't make that pain go away like so many others would. Embrace it and learn from it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpBnGHjda14
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Major fear of abandonment is a good reason to see a shrink, it's separate from alcoholism but if you're like me, you drink to keep the fear in check. I recommend AA for alcoholism and a good doctor for the abandonment fears. In recovery we get tools so we don't pick up over feelings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
I have very similar type issues and anm driven to abandon people before they abandon n me. This type of belief is rooted deep in my psyche. My brain cannot compute that I have to work on myself to prevent 'running away'
physically, mentally, etc...
I have to stop abandoning myself and learn to love my whole being.
Mind, body & soul
physically, mentally, etc...
I have to stop abandoning myself and learn to love my whole being.
Mind, body & soul
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
