Impending doom...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Impending doom...
In a few days I will be separated from my child by many miles for several months.
I know I'm going to be unravelled. I'm not sitting on a drink, I hope to remain that way as I have gone back out about a thousand times and it does nothing positive for me.
I'm just very unsure how exactly I am going to deal with this pain. Im not even sure how I'm going to hold it together in the airport and on the plane. I know I have to take it minute by minute...I'm just so used to not feeling. BC every time things get hard/painful in the past 5 years I just drank. Problems I was "escaping" remained, got worse and alcohol became a new problem.
I'm not worried about the drinking as much because I really am repulsed by the idea. The other night at dinner a waitress spilled 3/4 of a dirty martini next to me and the smell actually made me gag. I know that's not going to do anything positive.
I just don't know how to deal with the very painful emotions. My coping skills are not enough. I cannot wait to get home and back to my 3 meetings a day and my network of really solid support. (Not even sure how I will be able to move away from them...yet another bridge you cross when I get there, no need to take that on right now, but it's in the back of my head) Feel like I'm constantly trying to manage major motions that are above my head.
I know I can't change the past but I feel awful about this bed I've made.
This part month has been particularly tough, but I have gotten through it, sober. I'm proud and at the same time terrified. I'm sure I'll be ok...and will be the stronger for it...but I really can't even think about leaving my baby behind...
Just a really shite day.
Thanks for listening.
Jules
I know I'm going to be unravelled. I'm not sitting on a drink, I hope to remain that way as I have gone back out about a thousand times and it does nothing positive for me.
I'm just very unsure how exactly I am going to deal with this pain. Im not even sure how I'm going to hold it together in the airport and on the plane. I know I have to take it minute by minute...I'm just so used to not feeling. BC every time things get hard/painful in the past 5 years I just drank. Problems I was "escaping" remained, got worse and alcohol became a new problem.
I'm not worried about the drinking as much because I really am repulsed by the idea. The other night at dinner a waitress spilled 3/4 of a dirty martini next to me and the smell actually made me gag. I know that's not going to do anything positive.
I just don't know how to deal with the very painful emotions. My coping skills are not enough. I cannot wait to get home and back to my 3 meetings a day and my network of really solid support. (Not even sure how I will be able to move away from them...yet another bridge you cross when I get there, no need to take that on right now, but it's in the back of my head) Feel like I'm constantly trying to manage major motions that are above my head.
I know I can't change the past but I feel awful about this bed I've made.
This part month has been particularly tough, but I have gotten through it, sober. I'm proud and at the same time terrified. I'm sure I'll be ok...and will be the stronger for it...but I really can't even think about leaving my baby behind...
Just a really shite day.
Thanks for listening.
Jules
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Jules,
I'm older and my children are grown so I won't pretend to relate to the pain caused by separating from your child. What I do believe with all my heart is drinking only makes things worse. If you can stay sober it will all work out for the best. I can tell you in my opinion that the fear is your AV at work. Given enough sober time the fear will pass. Please be strong and I wish you the best.
I'm older and my children are grown so I won't pretend to relate to the pain caused by separating from your child. What I do believe with all my heart is drinking only makes things worse. If you can stay sober it will all work out for the best. I can tell you in my opinion that the fear is your AV at work. Given enough sober time the fear will pass. Please be strong and I wish you the best.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi Jules. I couldn't agree with Matt more - I don't know why we ever thought drinking helped us cope or eased our pain. I'm so glad you're here - please post as much as you want - we care about you.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The title of your thread got me , Jules.
A sense of impending doom was a frequent visitor in my early recovery. I would have two or three seemingly good days, then awake with the feeling the sky was gonna fall on me. The source of the problem, it seems, was my alcoholic mind.
I was quite beat up when I came in and had lost the ability to think or reason very well, and had a lot of trouble connecting the dots. Fortunately my sponsor was a good listener and had a good memory. Each time I found myself in this awful place, we would review my behaviour and decisions over the past few days. It invariably turned out that I had made a series of small, often insignificant, selfish decisions, which later placed me in a position to be hurt.
These were fear based instinctual behaviors that I had survived with in my drinking days. Just going to meetings and not drinking did not fix it. In fact I was more or less unaware. What would happen is these minor incidents would tend to clump together, losing their original form and building into something bigger, turning into a cloud of doom. I couldn't see how I got there, and I couldn't see a way out, until my sponsor unraveled it for me.
When I took the fourth step I began to see how it all worked. I was my own worst enemy. My practice since then has been to use step ten continually to clean up the mistakes as I make them, and not allow them to build up into something as dangerous as that sense of impeding doom.
As I said these were seemingly trivial things, possibly not even noticed by the people around me. There didn't always have to be an external conflict. Most of the time the conflict became internal as my way of thinking was not yet consistent with the way I really wanted to live my life.
A sense of impending doom was a frequent visitor in my early recovery. I would have two or three seemingly good days, then awake with the feeling the sky was gonna fall on me. The source of the problem, it seems, was my alcoholic mind.
I was quite beat up when I came in and had lost the ability to think or reason very well, and had a lot of trouble connecting the dots. Fortunately my sponsor was a good listener and had a good memory. Each time I found myself in this awful place, we would review my behaviour and decisions over the past few days. It invariably turned out that I had made a series of small, often insignificant, selfish decisions, which later placed me in a position to be hurt.
These were fear based instinctual behaviors that I had survived with in my drinking days. Just going to meetings and not drinking did not fix it. In fact I was more or less unaware. What would happen is these minor incidents would tend to clump together, losing their original form and building into something bigger, turning into a cloud of doom. I couldn't see how I got there, and I couldn't see a way out, until my sponsor unraveled it for me.
When I took the fourth step I began to see how it all worked. I was my own worst enemy. My practice since then has been to use step ten continually to clean up the mistakes as I make them, and not allow them to build up into something as dangerous as that sense of impeding doom.
As I said these were seemingly trivial things, possibly not even noticed by the people around me. There didn't always have to be an external conflict. Most of the time the conflict became internal as my way of thinking was not yet consistent with the way I really wanted to live my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
I don't doubt for a second it's my AV trying to break me down. It tells me asinine things regularly. I am also aware that I need to get another sponsor. I had one 2 years ago. (I lived in a different section of the country) and she had many years sober...and she went out. So I felt pretty,I don't even know what...but it is on my to do list ...I have someone in mind, she's qualified but she also tends to have loose lips. I need a steel trap for me. It's a conundrum and definitely an excuse. I'm aware. It's a lot of things. Trust issues, I don't get on with my fellow females as well as I males. It's a very long story.
I should say that my child is not actually a baby, but moreover my baby...my one and only.
This is all temporary. It will be much better as soon as we are reunited in the same section of the country. It's just going to take time.
The hard line is this: I cannot drink under any circumstances. I'm powerless v. Alcohol. It is enemy #1. I'm living in today. All I can do. Just trepidacious about this big change. It will work out, it's just a lot. But remembering to breathe, reach out and take it one day at the time.
Thank you all so much.
J
I should say that my child is not actually a baby, but moreover my baby...my one and only.
This is all temporary. It will be much better as soon as we are reunited in the same section of the country. It's just going to take time.
The hard line is this: I cannot drink under any circumstances. I'm powerless v. Alcohol. It is enemy #1. I'm living in today. All I can do. Just trepidacious about this big change. It will work out, it's just a lot. But remembering to breathe, reach out and take it one day at the time.
Thank you all so much.
J
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,671
Jules - a single strand swill break under even the smallest of weight. Many strands woven together form a rope- which is strong to hold all the strands. We are all strands, recovery and support- by SR, therapy, AA...is the rope.
This place is always there for you, for us. Prayers to you.
This place is always there for you, for us. Prayers to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Thank you all. As usual you deliver.
Ph...there is a quote, can't remember who said it...but it said "when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"
Your post reminded me.
I'm no worse off than anyone, we all have problems...I just need to figure out how to face them sober. Life on life's terms...
Thanks again, you guys are the best!!
Jules
Ph...there is a quote, can't remember who said it...but it said "when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"
Your post reminded me.
I'm no worse off than anyone, we all have problems...I just need to figure out how to face them sober. Life on life's terms...
Thanks again, you guys are the best!!
Jules
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Thank you. Yes, as a Mother, to lose custody is utter devestation. Society judges to a degree that can not be expressed.
I was a stay at home mother for over a decade, completely sober. I wasn't even much of a drinker to begin with. The demise of my marriage started me off. My ex is in recovery too. He just got sober as my drinking career took off. To think I thought losing him was the end of the world ..nope, losing my child was. I went from seeing my child all day every day to twice a month. With all sorts of riles imposed by my ex, not a Judge, but my ex.
It's been an incredibly painful 24 months. And the hits keep coming.
I have to just get through this period and then you know, move across country and start over.
Thank you.
Jules
I was a stay at home mother for over a decade, completely sober. I wasn't even much of a drinker to begin with. The demise of my marriage started me off. My ex is in recovery too. He just got sober as my drinking career took off. To think I thought losing him was the end of the world ..nope, losing my child was. I went from seeing my child all day every day to twice a month. With all sorts of riles imposed by my ex, not a Judge, but my ex.
It's been an incredibly painful 24 months. And the hits keep coming.
I have to just get through this period and then you know, move across country and start over.
Thank you.
Jules
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 980
Jules, how old is your child? Son or daughter?
I too had a narcissistic, xah. He wasn't a drinker really. His was drugs, It started off with percs, darvocet then moved to oxy, then dilauded and fentynal, then heroin. Throw some benzo's in with all of that and it was crazy. I thought I could save him but I couldn't. As he was exiting our marriage (I filed) My drinking slowly started. I was finally able to "relax" and not be 100 mph 24/7 trying to stop his addiction. I can relate and I'm so very sorry we're in similar situations. I was here for many years under a different name as a friends and family poster seeking help for my codependency.
Please do what you need to do to stay on the right track to get your child back. We're here, lean on us.
I too had a narcissistic, xah. He wasn't a drinker really. His was drugs, It started off with percs, darvocet then moved to oxy, then dilauded and fentynal, then heroin. Throw some benzo's in with all of that and it was crazy. I thought I could save him but I couldn't. As he was exiting our marriage (I filed) My drinking slowly started. I was finally able to "relax" and not be 100 mph 24/7 trying to stop his addiction. I can relate and I'm so very sorry we're in similar situations. I was here for many years under a different name as a friends and family poster seeking help for my codependency.
Please do what you need to do to stay on the right track to get your child back. We're here, lean on us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
She's 14.
My Ex is an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser. All you listed right up to fentanyl and all the benzos. So far as I know he's clean. His new wife is in govt/ law enforcement highly doubt she'd put up with the crap I did. And she has taken advantage of her work powers in and out of court. I've been followed, photographed and swarmed by 3 police cars.Nothing ever panned out for them. Not when they called CPS on me 3 times either. They are relentless. Pure evil. I have been terrified.
Shame they don't see that my daughter sees this, and we have an unbreakable very sturdy solid bond. He too is an utter narcissist. He's a salesman. He's so good he's got his new wife funding my alimony. Plus all his futile legal representation and the cost for the private investigator.
She's a fool. Just like I was.
I'm sorry you're in a similar boat, but it's good to not feel so alone.
J
My Ex is an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser. All you listed right up to fentanyl and all the benzos. So far as I know he's clean. His new wife is in govt/ law enforcement highly doubt she'd put up with the crap I did. And she has taken advantage of her work powers in and out of court. I've been followed, photographed and swarmed by 3 police cars.Nothing ever panned out for them. Not when they called CPS on me 3 times either. They are relentless. Pure evil. I have been terrified.
Shame they don't see that my daughter sees this, and we have an unbreakable very sturdy solid bond. He too is an utter narcissist. He's a salesman. He's so good he's got his new wife funding my alimony. Plus all his futile legal representation and the cost for the private investigator.
She's a fool. Just like I was.
I'm sorry you're in a similar boat, but it's good to not feel so alone.
J
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
My daughter has been with them for two years. She's not coming back to me. I cannot afford the things in life they can, plus she has a new baby sibling.
I made this bed; I have to lie in it. I'm cannot fight him to get her back. I've already spent over $40, 000 fighting him in court over things he lost each time. $3,500.00 to get divorced best money ever spent. Rest was all him wasting money.
It not having her tho.in the past sent me back out drinking. I've been more sober than not in the last two years, but I'd go out and get alcohol and tie one on for a couple/few days. Repetitively.
Not anymore.
Thanks,
J
I made this bed; I have to lie in it. I'm cannot fight him to get her back. I've already spent over $40, 000 fighting him in court over things he lost each time. $3,500.00 to get divorced best money ever spent. Rest was all him wasting money.
It not having her tho.in the past sent me back out drinking. I've been more sober than not in the last two years, but I'd go out and get alcohol and tie one on for a couple/few days. Repetitively.
Not anymore.
Thanks,
J
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