Marriage worse after becoming sober
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 5
Marriage worse after becoming sober
I have gotten a hold of my life and been sober for quite a while now. My wife has been through all of it since I started 17 years ago. Today I am proud that I have no urge to drink, but I like to talk with her about the things that transpired over the course of our marriage. Taking steps back to analyze all my failures and trying to get a clearer image of past issues now that I have my head screwed on straight.
I feel the need to talk to her about specific periods that I went through, or offer up some questions about how we let it happen the way it did and why it went on for so long, etc. I also feel an urge to come clean about so many different venues where I lied to her about my drinking and behavior that affected life outcomes.
So I'll get something off my chest that I did behind her back (when I was drinking, years ago) and she gets angry in the present day... and it will always devolve into an argument and she will basically tell to me to "Go drink", "Once a drunk always a drunk" and then she will leave the room. She has gone so far as to tell me that she justified all my known behavior because she truly believed that "I just liked to drink", and will discount any of her own contributions that helped guide me down a horrific path in life. Anyone else with experience in this regard, tips? It is truly disheartening that someone I have lived my life with for so long is telling me to just throw it all away in a fit of rage about the past.
I feel the need to talk to her about specific periods that I went through, or offer up some questions about how we let it happen the way it did and why it went on for so long, etc. I also feel an urge to come clean about so many different venues where I lied to her about my drinking and behavior that affected life outcomes.
So I'll get something off my chest that I did behind her back (when I was drinking, years ago) and she gets angry in the present day... and it will always devolve into an argument and she will basically tell to me to "Go drink", "Once a drunk always a drunk" and then she will leave the room. She has gone so far as to tell me that she justified all my known behavior because she truly believed that "I just liked to drink", and will discount any of her own contributions that helped guide me down a horrific path in life. Anyone else with experience in this regard, tips? It is truly disheartening that someone I have lived my life with for so long is telling me to just throw it all away in a fit of rage about the past.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hmmm. In AA we work through this stuff carefully with a sponsor so we don't end up making things even worse than our drinking already made it. After all, isn't this time to be clearing up the wreckage not creating a bunch of new stuff. You did the stuff, you already hurt her while you were drinking. Maybe your way of making amends to her needs to be to respect her wishes and NOT force her to go all through it all again. Maybe it would make YOU feel better, but an apology or amend isn't about US. If she just want to get on with living in the new sober-husband life, why can't you do that thing for her. If you want to go over this old stuff and sort out why it happened then there is always AA or other 12-step groups or counsellors for that.
Did you ever read the big book of AA or any of their other literature? If not it could be worth investigating as it might help you understand some of the crazy old thinking that was going on when you were drinking.
But for now, just in case it helps you stop short of causing futher marital unrest...a short extract from The 12 steps and 12 Traditions of AA taken from the Chapter on step 9... .'There can only be one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or—quite as important— other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband. And even in those cases where such a matter must be discussed, let’s try to avoid harming third parties, whoever they may be. It does not lighten our burden when we recklessly make the crosses of others heavier.'
There's a lot of wisdom on those pages I reckon.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Did you ever read the big book of AA or any of their other literature? If not it could be worth investigating as it might help you understand some of the crazy old thinking that was going on when you were drinking.
But for now, just in case it helps you stop short of causing futher marital unrest...a short extract from The 12 steps and 12 Traditions of AA taken from the Chapter on step 9... .'There can only be one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or—quite as important— other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband. And even in those cases where such a matter must be discussed, let’s try to avoid harming third parties, whoever they may be. It does not lighten our burden when we recklessly make the crosses of others heavier.'
There's a lot of wisdom on those pages I reckon.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by 765420 
. She has gone so far as to tell me that she justified all my known behavior because she truly believed that "I just liked to drink", and will discount any of her own contributions that helped guide me down a horrific path in life...
Sober since October 24, 1997
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Otero County, New Mexico
Posts: 108
one tenet of marriage counseling is - - -
Okay, you've already been given some darned good advice. But here's my take:
This kind of falls into the category of being unfaithful to your spouse by having an affair, except in this case your affair was with alcohol and not another woman. Usually, when someone is unfaithful in marriage and sees the error of his/her ways and knows FOR SURE he/she will never do it again, the best course is to keep that affair a secret and take it to the grave with you, never telling anyone, and I mean ANYONE. There is no point in making two people miserable when one miserable person will suffice! Stop talking about your alcohol use and what you did under its influence, it only makes YOU feel better.
If you want to come clean, talk about it with some other person in AA or wherever it won't get back to your wife. Your wife knowing about it won't do her any good as she already indicated by her hostility. She is sending you a very loud message to knock of your rehashing what you did, if you don't, even I can tell from all the way over here you are going to lose her. Learn to pay attention a little better!
My very wise and sage late father had a saying about bringing up old stuff from the past that is better left alone. Doing that is like stirring up a pile of steaming manure, the more you stir, the more it stinks. In other words, leave the past alone, rehashing it won't undo the hurt. Time heals all wounds, so for gosh sake, let 'em heal up!
One more thing, it isn't all that unusual for marriages to come unglued when a spouse gets sober. A sober person is most often very different from when that person was drunk, and his/her spouse is used to the drunk one, not the sober one. The sober person is a stranger in the house and can take some getting used to. So, you may be quite happy with your sobriety but she may not be! That might be why she kind of said maybe to go back to drinking! But don't you dare go back! You worked hard to get sober, so don't blow it. I was a professional drunk for 25 years, so I know all about it. Take it easy and talk to a marriage counselor if you can find one, you don't have to go together, and in fact at this point I wouldn't tell your wife if you go to one, that would just cause more hate and discontent. Congratulations on your sobriety, that is quite an accomplishment!!
This kind of falls into the category of being unfaithful to your spouse by having an affair, except in this case your affair was with alcohol and not another woman. Usually, when someone is unfaithful in marriage and sees the error of his/her ways and knows FOR SURE he/she will never do it again, the best course is to keep that affair a secret and take it to the grave with you, never telling anyone, and I mean ANYONE. There is no point in making two people miserable when one miserable person will suffice! Stop talking about your alcohol use and what you did under its influence, it only makes YOU feel better.
If you want to come clean, talk about it with some other person in AA or wherever it won't get back to your wife. Your wife knowing about it won't do her any good as she already indicated by her hostility. She is sending you a very loud message to knock of your rehashing what you did, if you don't, even I can tell from all the way over here you are going to lose her. Learn to pay attention a little better!
My very wise and sage late father had a saying about bringing up old stuff from the past that is better left alone. Doing that is like stirring up a pile of steaming manure, the more you stir, the more it stinks. In other words, leave the past alone, rehashing it won't undo the hurt. Time heals all wounds, so for gosh sake, let 'em heal up!
One more thing, it isn't all that unusual for marriages to come unglued when a spouse gets sober. A sober person is most often very different from when that person was drunk, and his/her spouse is used to the drunk one, not the sober one. The sober person is a stranger in the house and can take some getting used to. So, you may be quite happy with your sobriety but she may not be! That might be why she kind of said maybe to go back to drinking! But don't you dare go back! You worked hard to get sober, so don't blow it. I was a professional drunk for 25 years, so I know all about it. Take it easy and talk to a marriage counselor if you can find one, you don't have to go together, and in fact at this point I wouldn't tell your wife if you go to one, that would just cause more hate and discontent. Congratulations on your sobriety, that is quite an accomplishment!!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
What about her needs? In typical alcoholic fashion you are getting things off your chest to make you feel better, things that hurt her, and, not surprisingly, make her angry. Then you want her to take part of the blame for your drinking.
In AA speak we say we have no right to save ourselves at someone else's expense. Are you on any medication? I knew a chap once who did the sorts of things you are doing, with disastrous consequences. He ended up homeless, and a third party's marriage was destroyed. It seems the medication blocked his empathy. He could not see the effect his inappropriate behaviour was having on those around him. He p,,.ed off a lot of people.
In AA speak we say we have no right to save ourselves at someone else's expense. Are you on any medication? I knew a chap once who did the sorts of things you are doing, with disastrous consequences. He ended up homeless, and a third party's marriage was destroyed. It seems the medication blocked his empathy. He could not see the effect his inappropriate behaviour was having on those around him. He p,,.ed off a lot of people.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Alcoholism brings hell to those closest to us, often times even worse than what we have to go through. 17 years of drunken madness is a very long time that isn't going to repair itself overnight.
Alanon may be a good option for her or perhaps marriage counseling. Though in the end sometimes the damage is just beyond help. I hope the best for you.
Alanon may be a good option for her or perhaps marriage counseling. Though in the end sometimes the damage is just beyond help. I hope the best for you.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by 765420
So I'll get something off my chest that I did behind her back (when I was drinking, years ago) and she gets angry in the present day... and it will always devolve into an argument and she will basically tell to me to "Go drink", "Once a drunk always a drunk" and then she will leave the room.
Were you really expecting her to react differently just because of the length of time that's passed? It may be old news to you but it's brand new information for her regardless of how long ago it happened. She's experience the emotions about it for the first time.
I could be way off base here but, when I was doing things to irritate my husband after I quit it was because if I could make him mad enough to tell me to drink that increased the odds that I could. It provided opportunity. Again, probably way off base but it's something to consider with how screwed up our addiction is.
Your reasons for doing this might be pure, you want to confess all your sins to her and start with a clean plate. Please save her the agony and take the advice of others, do it with someone else that you trust and make your amends to her simply by living well.
We cause enough heartache with our loved ones by our drinking. They don't need to deal with any more.
This:
about how we let it happen the way it did and why it went on for so long
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
A burglar went to jail for breaking into a house. Remorseful after some time behind bars he called the homeowner. I am sorry I stole your treasures - I hope you'll forgive me. But, while were on this, I should note a couple things; First, if you weren't careless with leaving your window unlocked I couldn't have gotten in your house. Second, who has so much neat stuff laying around ready to snatch up???
Please accept my apology, but understand in the future you can help prevent my actions........if only you'd be more careful.
Please accept my apology, but understand in the future you can help prevent my actions........if only you'd be more careful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I dunno reconciling this sorta thing. You can say sorry you can mean it all day long. But the other person can do with your apology whatever they wish. Its your problem to make ammends and offer it out. Once you do that and your motivations where genuine if the other behaves in this kind of manner thats there issue. You cant control em. you did your part. they dont have to do theres or well they can do whatever they wish.
I chose to write a note to my wife. I felt it coulda been a novel bu ti tried to keep it direct. It really saddened me to think if roles where reversed I dunno if i woulda tolerated the same from her.... that scared me. But my idea of the note was like take it or leave it there it is my formal apology and what i mean to say as simple as that. Then i basicly washed my hands of the matter as best i could. Now of course we spoke about it and so on and that was that.
I chose to write a note to my wife. I felt it coulda been a novel bu ti tried to keep it direct. It really saddened me to think if roles where reversed I dunno if i woulda tolerated the same from her.... that scared me. But my idea of the note was like take it or leave it there it is my formal apology and what i mean to say as simple as that. Then i basicly washed my hands of the matter as best i could. Now of course we spoke about it and so on and that was that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
First and foremost - congratulations on your sobriety from the STBXW of a non-recovering AH. What you wrote and the way you wrote it sounds very similar to how my non-recovering AH will phrase something when he's trying to abdicate responsibility.
I feel the need to talk to her about specific periods that I went through, or offer up some questions about how we let it happen the way it did Nope. Stop right there. How WE let it happen? WE didn't "let it happen". Just my newbie two cents, but you have to deal with all of your own decisions and actions before even attempting a conversation about her contributions to failures in your relationship. Finish that work, and then you can talk about her actions in your marriage, but my guess is that if you do the work, there either won't be a conversation like that or it will be very different from how it's happening now. I hope I don't sound too harsh. It sounds like you have done a lot of work, but there is still some left to do. I don't mean to say that she doesn't have faults and hasn't made mistakes, but it isn't your place to analyze or criticize her. You can only set healthy boundaries for yourself, and your recovery, and make your own decisions after that.
All the best to you and your wife. I hope you both get the best out of life, whatever that reveals itself to be, and I thank you for sharing.
Originally Posted by 765420
I feel the need to talk to her about specific periods that I went through, or offer up some questions about how we let it happen the way it did
All the best to you and your wife. I hope you both get the best out of life, whatever that reveals itself to be, and I thank you for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 147
I'm sober, but my husband won't talk to me now.
I very recently became sober. My husband has recently been hitting drugs and alcohol harder than I've ever seen him. Days after I detoxed he stopped spending time with me, being at home and even talking to me. Because of the drugs and alcohol being around, I had a hard time staying sober in our home so I had to leave. I told him that I wasn't leaving him...just the environment. He told me if that's what I needed to do, then I should do it. Since I left he will not answer my phone calls or text messages. It has been weeks since I've heard from him. I don't know if I need to wait around for him or if I need to take the hint and leave for good.
Being sober is extremely important to me and I love my husband, but I don't know that he loves me anymore. I wish I could talk to him, but when someone cuts you off so suddenly like that I can't help but think he has already decided he doesn't want to be with me. How do you deal with something like this and focus on your sobriety. Do you wait it out or just make a clean break so you don't get hurt more than you have to?
Being sober is extremely important to me and I love my husband, but I don't know that he loves me anymore. I wish I could talk to him, but when someone cuts you off so suddenly like that I can't help but think he has already decided he doesn't want to be with me. How do you deal with something like this and focus on your sobriety. Do you wait it out or just make a clean break so you don't get hurt more than you have to?
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