Newly sober, but have cirrhosis
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 82
Newly sober, but have cirrhosis
Hi everyone. I have been a moderately heavy social drinker all my life, but over the last 18 months things have gotten bad.
First I had to return from the country we had emigrated to because of the breakup of my marriage after 25 years. It broke my heart when she kicked me out, but with the benefit of time I came to realise that it wasn't a good relationship. She is a classic narcissist and probably the most selfish person I have met. But she was still my best friend.
So I arrive back in my country of birth with all I own contained in 2 suitcases. I have nowhere to go except my elderly mothers.
Me and my mum have never gotten along. Nothing I ever did was good enough for that woman. She said I had shamed her by choosing to work with my hands rather than being a lawyer or a doctor or whatever. Living with mum was torture, she is obsessed with tidyness and what the neighbours might think. She is also no respecter of personal space, she would go through the pockets of my jackets and every time I went out she would search my room. I don't know what she thought she might find in there. Whenever a friend came round ( and I have precious few of those ) she would make them sit in the conservatory because she thought they looked too scruffy to be in her house.
Eventually I retreated into my room and into bottle after bottle of vodka just to dull the pain. One a day on average.
Finally I decided I was going to forgive her for doing her level best to wreck my life over the years and we started to get on a little better.
I continued drinking but at a much lower level.
But a few weeks later she had a fall, right down the stairs. I found her unconscious and choking on her dentures.
It later turned out she had a basal skull fracture and a bleed on the brain.
I resuscitated her and got an ambulance.
So then the next cycle began. As next of kin ( only kin ) I have had to make decisions about her future care ( she's in a nursing home and she'll never leave it ) and deal with all kinds of things including insane bureaucracy. That tipped me back over the edge and I went back to the vodka.
Then, when things finally seem to be calming down I find I have damaged my liver very badly. Killed it maybe. It's early days and I don't know my prognosis yet. I actually quit drinking before I got the diagnosis, been sober for maybe 4 weeks.
I like being sober. But now I worry about how long have I got left to enjoy it. I stopped enjoying alcohol a long time ago.
The one thing that could send me back to drinking is bad news abut my liver. I'll just say " What the heck, let's get it over with " and spend my last days in the bottom of a bottle.
First I had to return from the country we had emigrated to because of the breakup of my marriage after 25 years. It broke my heart when she kicked me out, but with the benefit of time I came to realise that it wasn't a good relationship. She is a classic narcissist and probably the most selfish person I have met. But she was still my best friend.
So I arrive back in my country of birth with all I own contained in 2 suitcases. I have nowhere to go except my elderly mothers.
Me and my mum have never gotten along. Nothing I ever did was good enough for that woman. She said I had shamed her by choosing to work with my hands rather than being a lawyer or a doctor or whatever. Living with mum was torture, she is obsessed with tidyness and what the neighbours might think. She is also no respecter of personal space, she would go through the pockets of my jackets and every time I went out she would search my room. I don't know what she thought she might find in there. Whenever a friend came round ( and I have precious few of those ) she would make them sit in the conservatory because she thought they looked too scruffy to be in her house.
Eventually I retreated into my room and into bottle after bottle of vodka just to dull the pain. One a day on average.
Finally I decided I was going to forgive her for doing her level best to wreck my life over the years and we started to get on a little better.
I continued drinking but at a much lower level.
But a few weeks later she had a fall, right down the stairs. I found her unconscious and choking on her dentures.
It later turned out she had a basal skull fracture and a bleed on the brain.
I resuscitated her and got an ambulance.
So then the next cycle began. As next of kin ( only kin ) I have had to make decisions about her future care ( she's in a nursing home and she'll never leave it ) and deal with all kinds of things including insane bureaucracy. That tipped me back over the edge and I went back to the vodka.
Then, when things finally seem to be calming down I find I have damaged my liver very badly. Killed it maybe. It's early days and I don't know my prognosis yet. I actually quit drinking before I got the diagnosis, been sober for maybe 4 weeks.
I like being sober. But now I worry about how long have I got left to enjoy it. I stopped enjoying alcohol a long time ago.
The one thing that could send me back to drinking is bad news abut my liver. I'll just say " What the heck, let's get it over with " and spend my last days in the bottom of a bottle.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by MachinistGuy 
Hi everyone. I have been a moderately heavy social drinker all my life, but over the last 18 months things have gotten bad.
First I had to return from the country we had emigrated to because of the breakup of my marriage after 25 years. It broke my heart when she kicked me out, but with the benefit of time I came to realise that it wasn't a good relationship. She is a classic narcissist and probably the most selfish person I have met. But she was still my best friend.
So I arrive back in my country of birth with all I own contained in 2 suitcases. I have nowhere to go except my elderly mothers.
Me and my mum have never gotten along. Nothing I ever did was good enough for that woman. She said I had shamed her by choosing to work with my hands rather than being a lawyer or a doctor or whatever. Living with mum was torture, she is obsessed with tidyness and what the neighbours might think. She is also no respecter of personal space, she would go through the pockets of my jackets and every time I went out she would search my room. I don't know what she thought she might find in there. Whenever a friend came round ( and I have precious few of those ) she would make them sit in the conservatory because she thought they looked too scruffy to be in her house.
Eventually I retreated into my room and into bottle after bottle of vodka just to dull the pain. One a day on average.
Finally I decided I was going to forgive her for doing her level best to wreck my life over the years and we started to get on a little better.
I continued drinking but at a much lower level.
But a few weeks later she had a fall, right down the stairs. I found her unconscious and choking on her dentures.
It later turned out she had a basal skull fracture and a bleed on the brain.
I resuscitated her and got an ambulance.
So then the next cycle began. As next of kin ( only kin ) I have had to make decisions about her future care ( she's in a nursing home and she'll never leave it ) and deal with all kinds of things including insane bureaucracy. That tipped me back over the edge and I went back to the vodka.
Then, when things finally seem to be calming down I find I have damaged my liver very badly. Killed it maybe. It's early days and I don't know my prognosis yet. I actually quit drinking before I got the diagnosis, been sober for maybe 4 weeks.
I like being sober. But now I worry about how long have I got left to enjoy it. I stopped enjoying alcohol a long time ago.
The one thing that could send me back to drinking is bad news abut my liver. I'll just say " What the heck, let's get it over with " and spend my last days in the bottom of a bottle.
First I had to return from the country we had emigrated to because of the breakup of my marriage after 25 years. It broke my heart when she kicked me out, but with the benefit of time I came to realise that it wasn't a good relationship. She is a classic narcissist and probably the most selfish person I have met. But she was still my best friend.
So I arrive back in my country of birth with all I own contained in 2 suitcases. I have nowhere to go except my elderly mothers.
Me and my mum have never gotten along. Nothing I ever did was good enough for that woman. She said I had shamed her by choosing to work with my hands rather than being a lawyer or a doctor or whatever. Living with mum was torture, she is obsessed with tidyness and what the neighbours might think. She is also no respecter of personal space, she would go through the pockets of my jackets and every time I went out she would search my room. I don't know what she thought she might find in there. Whenever a friend came round ( and I have precious few of those ) she would make them sit in the conservatory because she thought they looked too scruffy to be in her house.
Eventually I retreated into my room and into bottle after bottle of vodka just to dull the pain. One a day on average.
Finally I decided I was going to forgive her for doing her level best to wreck my life over the years and we started to get on a little better.
I continued drinking but at a much lower level.
But a few weeks later she had a fall, right down the stairs. I found her unconscious and choking on her dentures.
It later turned out she had a basal skull fracture and a bleed on the brain.
I resuscitated her and got an ambulance.
So then the next cycle began. As next of kin ( only kin ) I have had to make decisions about her future care ( she's in a nursing home and she'll never leave it ) and deal with all kinds of things including insane bureaucracy. That tipped me back over the edge and I went back to the vodka.
Then, when things finally seem to be calming down I find I have damaged my liver very badly. Killed it maybe. It's early days and I don't know my prognosis yet. I actually quit drinking before I got the diagnosis, been sober for maybe 4 weeks.
I like being sober. But now I worry about how long have I got left to enjoy it. I stopped enjoying alcohol a long time ago.
The one thing that could send me back to drinking is bad news abut my liver. I'll just say " What the heck, let's get it over with " and spend my last days in the bottom of a bottle.
The AA member in question along with a few others I knew who died sober showed me how to do it with dignity.
Take care.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Hi Machinistguy 
As I understand it there are various grades of cirrhosis..I know it's human to worry but I really would try and wait until you get a definite prognosis.
I know some folks here who have had cirrhosis diagnoses who are still alive well and enjoying life.
I think that's the case for a lot of us tho as we get older - even those who aren't alcoholics...
I try and enjoy every day...
welcome aboard
D
As I understand it there are various grades of cirrhosis..I know it's human to worry but I really would try and wait until you get a definite prognosis.
I know some folks here who have had cirrhosis diagnoses who are still alive well and enjoying life.
But now I worry about how long have I got left to enjoy it.
I try and enjoy every day...
welcome aboard
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 82
Thanks guys.
It's the loneliness here that is something else that makes me want to relapse.
It also used to be boredom, but a friend of mine came over a few months ago and built me a workshop just for the cost of the materials. So I can make things again ( what I was born to do )
But I only have two friends who live close and they have enough on their plates without babysitting me.
I might go for a week or more without speaking to another human face to face. I'm not someone who craves company, but there is a limit you know ?
It's the loneliness here that is something else that makes me want to relapse.
It also used to be boredom, but a friend of mine came over a few months ago and built me a workshop just for the cost of the materials. So I can make things again ( what I was born to do )
But I only have two friends who live close and they have enough on their plates without babysitting me.
I might go for a week or more without speaking to another human face to face. I'm not someone who craves company, but there is a limit you know ?
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Had a friend who came into the rooms and was a putrid color of greenish / yellow. He quit and stayed stoppped. Today all systems go.
Loneliness is tough - I experience it as most of us do. I found going to a program and finding a room full of others like me to be very helpful.
"We meet often so the newcomer may find the fellowship they crave. "
Loneliness is tough - I experience it as most of us do. I found going to a program and finding a room full of others like me to be very helpful.
"We meet often so the newcomer may find the fellowship they crave. "
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
My brother did exactly that. What the hell- drink myself to death. He did. We turned off his life support in the ICU and watched him die. You do not want to go there. Go to the meetings- seek professional support. Keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
My brother did exactly that. What the hell- drink myself to death. He did. We turned off his life support in the ICU and watched him die. You do not want to go there. Go to the meetings- seek professional support. Keep posting.
I'm not feeling too good at all today, but I don't know if that's the liver or linked to the awful intestinal reaction I had a week ago to some antibiotics I was prescribed for something unrelated to the liver disease.
My stomach just hasn't been the same since I took those things.
But I know this forum doesn't do medical advice ( I've been reading for a while before I joined ) and I have to see the Dr for blood tests next Wednesday so if I don't feel better by then I'll ask.
I tried professional support from a free state funded service and those particular people were well meaning but useless. One on one counselling wasn't much good and the first and last time I went to a group no-one introduced me or even acknowledged I was in the room. I thought that was a bit impolite and left after about 45 minutes.
I feel like every human has a jar full of courage\resilience and when tough times come you have to take a bit out of it to deal with whatever is happening.
You can fill the jar back up with fun, a hobby, friends, family, pets and love.
My jar has been empty for over a year, there is nothing left at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
AA meetings- not for the dogma of the hardcore Big Bookers. Just for connection to other people who are looking for support and some answers or even just the company....
SMART is VERY good. Do not judge all support groups on a few experiences. That is like calling all bald people skin heads.
SMART is VERY good. Do not judge all support groups on a few experiences. That is like calling all bald people skin heads.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Originally Posted by MachinistGuy
Thanks guys.
It's the loneliness here that is something else that makes me want to relapse.
It also used to be boredom, but a friend of mine came over a few months ago and built me a workshop just for the cost of the materials. So I can make things again ( what I was born to do )
But I only have two friends who live close and they have enough on their plates without babysitting me.
I might go for a week or more without speaking to another human face to face. I'm not someone who craves company, but there is a limit you know ?
It's the loneliness here that is something else that makes me want to relapse.
It also used to be boredom, but a friend of mine came over a few months ago and built me a workshop just for the cost of the materials. So I can make things again ( what I was born to do )
But I only have two friends who live close and they have enough on their plates without babysitting me.
I might go for a week or more without speaking to another human face to face. I'm not someone who craves company, but there is a limit you know ?
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by MachinistGuy
The one thing that could send me back to drinking is bad news abut my liver. I'll just say " What the heck, let's get it over with " and spend my last days in the bottom of a bottle.
There is always hope if you don't drink. You don't have to go out like that.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by MachinistGuy
Oblivion maybe, but not bliss.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
M, it's probably best you hear about these things. I don't think anyone is upset with you. I think everyone just wants to help.
It probably also helps them to vent about what they have seen or personally gone through.
It is a horrific way to go. Watched my best friend of 27 years die of it. By the time I got to her bedside (long flight) she was intubated, on dialysis, unresponsive and mustard yellow tears were streaming down her face. She looked about 26 months pregnant. Covered on bruises. Earlier that day she was hallucinating and talking mumbo jumbo. Within 2 hours her heart gave out. She suffered for months.
Please give yourself a chance and know that by and large, people here want to help.
Take care of yourself.
J
It probably also helps them to vent about what they have seen or personally gone through.
It is a horrific way to go. Watched my best friend of 27 years die of it. By the time I got to her bedside (long flight) she was intubated, on dialysis, unresponsive and mustard yellow tears were streaming down her face. She looked about 26 months pregnant. Covered on bruises. Earlier that day she was hallucinating and talking mumbo jumbo. Within 2 hours her heart gave out. She suffered for months.
Please give yourself a chance and know that by and large, people here want to help.
Take care of yourself.
J
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by MachinistGuy
I'm so sorry I shouldn't have mentioned what I was thinking at all, I didn't realize it would upset people because I didn't engage my brain before opening my piehole.
I wouldn't wish this kind of death on my worst enemy.
I hope you stay quit. xo
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