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You want to stop... you really do

Old 03-30-2017, 10:48 AM
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You want to stop... you really do

You tell yourself its just one more time, but in the back of your head you know its a gamble. Just makes you feel righteous for the moment. Then you get the feeling of that heatwave through your body.. Every worry, guilt, wrongs, pain suddenly flushed.

Fast forward a few hours later when you wake up from the numbness and the demons still amidst, The sickness starts taking over ... serving as a reminder to repeat that whole love ritual .

This post was my vent and hope it does not serve as a seduction, that was not the intent. I am still sober and plan on continuing to be, These are just reflections and diaries of an addict that nobody should forget...it happened, pretending it didn't, doesn't help recovery. Continuing work on mental health and deeper issues is the key. Learn coping skills, learn to be patient, it wont happen over night <3
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Old 03-30-2017, 12:18 PM
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Have you considered AA? If you're anything like me, you may be reluctant to talk openly or relinquish yourself to a higher power (which can be anything you like, there is no emphasis on religion), but the beauty of it is that you go into it a little or as much as you feel comfortable with.

Just by going to a few different meetings and just listening to others, you will soon begin to feel like you're slipping into a warm bath when you attend. Non-judgemental, compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through.

It may also help to channel the negative feelings that cause cravings into a positive habit. There were times that I wanted to drink so bad but instead went to bed that night with the hardwood floors meticulously cleaned and waxed, and the bathroom grout cleaned, whitened, and sealed. After a couple months of doing this when I got cravings, I had the cleanest house, and most manicured lawn in the neighborhood.

I also began focusing on diet and exercise. As I lost gobs of disgusting beer weight, I had yet another motivation to not drink (putting it back on). I researched natural liver cleanses and began juicing raw beets, celery, and apple. A few dashes of cayenne, ginger, turmeric, and some fresh lemon makes a very potent liver detoxifying cocktail. Do this often... if you don't have a juice extractor I can tell you a method to do it with a blender.

Drink lots of filtered water, go out and break a sweat, take vitamin supplements.. particularly B1, C, and the amino acid L-Glutamine.
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Old 03-30-2017, 01:50 PM
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Great thoughts SoberChic. Your mention of working on mental health and deeper issues is very profound, and I've learned that that is where I need to put my focus too. My drinking was very much an attempt (failed) to drown those issues out and/or escape them.
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Old 03-30-2017, 04:04 PM
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"Every worry, guilt, wrongs, pain suddenly flushed."

one thing I realized early on was that thought- drinking to get rid of the mental mayhem, something I had done many,many times- and drinking was getting rid of it, was actually a lie. if it truly worked, it would have came back every morning or whenever it was I passed back in.


I used to think drinking to blackout was getting rid of that crap, but theres a high probability it didn't- it was still there. I just don't remember because I was in a blackout.

glad to read youre facing it all and learning about it.
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Old 03-30-2017, 04:10 PM
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Life is sad but it could be a whole lot worse. And its no excuse for me to drink
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Old 03-31-2017, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by SoberChicNJ View Post
Fast forward a few hours later when you wake up from the numbness and the demons still amidst, The sickness starts taking over
Wow. Definitely not a seduction, but you really hit the nail on the head, SoberChic. On the contrary, keeping this thought front and center in my mind, "playing the tape forward" to its inevitable conclusion, has been one of the strongest tools in my sobriety arsenal. Every time I think about drinking (which is not often, anymore) I just think "Dawg, you know how this is going to end, is that what you want?"

I really turned a corner on sobriety once I beat into my head that "Just on or two, to take the edge off" is a bold-faced lie. Once I get that "just one or two" and get a taste of that "numbness" (that I swear I can feel in the front of my brain) I'm going to keep chasing it until I black out, and when I wake up, I'm going to start chasing it again. Once I pounded that into my brain, and realized the truth of it, realized the futility of the constant internal negotiation, I was able to see alcohol for the fraud that it is, at least for me. That was the point for me when sobriety really gained traction.
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Old 03-31-2017, 02:32 PM
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Old 03-31-2017, 04:47 PM
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Hang in there.

I kept telling myself that too
"It's the last time" or "the month is nearly over, I'll start again clean next month"

You're right. The demons are still there when you wake up.
Alcohol is far from a cure to our lives problems.

Best of luck. You have a lot of people here who understand you and who are staying strong too

Best of luck. x
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Old 03-31-2017, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by SoberChicNJ View Post
You tell yourself its just one more time, but in the back of your head you know its a gamble. Just makes you feel righteous for the moment. Then you get the feeling of that heatwave through your body.. Every worry, guilt, wrongs, pain suddenly flushed.

Fast forward a few hours later when you wake up from the numbness and the demons still amidst, The sickness starts taking over ... serving as a reminder to repeat that whole love ritual .

This post was my vent and hope it does not serve as a seduction, that was not the intent. I am still sober and plan on continuing to be, These are just reflections and diaries of an addict that nobody should forget...it happened, pretending it didn't, doesn't help recovery. Continuing work on mental health and deeper issues is the key. Learn coping skills, learn to be patient, it wont happen over night <3
Every worry, guilt, wrong, and pain suddenly flushed... yep, that kept me in the cycle.
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