Helping or hurting, is it enabling?

Old 03-28-2017, 05:39 AM
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Helping or hurting, is it enabling?

Hi, my husband relapsed a couple of weeks ago, days before a year anniversary. Promised it was a slip, but when I became distant after realizing we wasn't doing anything to get better, he got wasted and blamed it on me. Then apologized, said that I needed to just trust him and let it go because I was making things worse by being distant. I tried, put forth effort as long as he wasn't drinking and he agreed to take a breathalyzer to earn back trust if I was really uncertain and thought he was drinking. I have 4 kids, his steps, and will not allow him in this house drunk, it can not be around my kids and if he is swearing he's sober, a breathalyzer I'd what I need as proof to have him around my kids.
I asked him to take one yesterday for the first time, he really sounded slurred. He flipped out said he wasn't going to jump through my hoops any more, refused to take it and told me he was done with me instead and left. He later came home wasted and accused me of calling the police on him, apparently someone called and reported that someone with his description was walking home round drunk acting crazy. He's convinced it was me, says the cops said I called and said he was walking around drunk. No way they said that because it didn't happen.
He is supposed to go visit his 9yr old son cross Country on Thursday. I was going to drive him to the airport, but he has been so drunk and mean and lost all care for me and our life, won't do anything to change it and spent some of the reserved money for the trip on vodka yesterday. I feel that since I gave him my boundary, I will do anything for you and with you sober. Drink, your choice, your consequence and I'm out of it, not helping with any thing or letting you near my family drunk. I don't think I should take the day offor of driving my kids to school and having them get out on their own to drive e 2 hrs to the airport, but I know he had no other ride. Am I being to mean to not take him, he won't get to see his son, but he gets to walk over me again and he's ungrateful for it believing I just owe it to him for "throwing everything away" by not trusting him when he refused the sobriety test. Do I take him or not? What is the right thing to do here? What is the actual best thing for him that I should do in this situation while he is actively going down a path of destruction, is taking him enabling? I'm a little confused about what helps or hurts when it comes to consequences for an active alcoholic.
Thank you so much
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Old 03-28-2017, 06:09 AM
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If he really needs a ride he can find one - a cab, a bus, a friend. He's taking advantage of you on so many levels that it's painful to hear you say all this. At this point you need to seek help to protect yourself and your family, you cannot trust him as his addiction is in full control of his actions.
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Old 03-28-2017, 07:29 AM
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I agree with Scott 100%. Look after you- not him. Stay safe. Support to you. PJ
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Old 03-28-2017, 05:07 PM
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Good responsible boundaries are more likely to help than letting him walk all over you.
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Old 03-28-2017, 05:32 PM
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If he truly wants to see his son, he will find a way to get to the airport. There are shuttle services, taxis, uber, friends, etc. Please don't allow him to shame you for not doing what he wants when he is being such an ass.

You deserve much better than this.
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Old 03-28-2017, 05:45 PM
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Dump him and run. He's blaming you and manipulating you into accepting all of his crappy decisions as your fault. None of it is. It's not your fault no matter what he says. It's his and his alone.
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Old 03-28-2017, 07:20 PM
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Active alcoholics are highly manipulative so I hope you don't drop your boundaries. You and the children must come first.
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