Family and partner DON'T want me to stop drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 36
Family and partner DON'T want me to stop drinking
Hello everyone,
I'm on day 28 of sobriety and loving it. I have taken up hobbies I forgot I loved and looking to take up new ones.
My family have passed comment that my whole demeanour has changed, that I'm brighter and look healthier.
However my family & partner are also saying that I shouldn't quit drinking for good. Saying my behaviour/relationship to alcohol was normal and part of our culture (live in UK).
As much as I'm loving the new found time and energy that sobriety has given me i still find the idea of never drinking again daunting (almost unfathomable). So I'd love to listen to my family's reassurances that my drinking was normal and to just cut back but not quit. (Although i have no desire to drink in the immediate future)
Has anyone been in a similar situation? People say avoid people who don't support their sobriety - but obviously that's not an option as i love my family and we all live close. Any advice would be appreciated
I'm on day 28 of sobriety and loving it. I have taken up hobbies I forgot I loved and looking to take up new ones.
My family have passed comment that my whole demeanour has changed, that I'm brighter and look healthier.
However my family & partner are also saying that I shouldn't quit drinking for good. Saying my behaviour/relationship to alcohol was normal and part of our culture (live in UK).
As much as I'm loving the new found time and energy that sobriety has given me i still find the idea of never drinking again daunting (almost unfathomable). So I'd love to listen to my family's reassurances that my drinking was normal and to just cut back but not quit. (Although i have no desire to drink in the immediate future)
Has anyone been in a similar situation? People say avoid people who don't support their sobriety - but obviously that's not an option as i love my family and we all live close. Any advice would be appreciated
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Wasn't the whole problem that you could not cut back?
This is more common than you think. They are used to dealing with you as a drunk. It worked for them. They know how to function with you when you are drinking. But a sane, sober you is something new for them and that means they have to make adjustments when they were fine with things as they were.
If they are saying that drinking is part of your culture and that your drinking was normal....I have feeling that your sobriety is making them look at themselves and their drinking.
This is more common than you think. They are used to dealing with you as a drunk. It worked for them. They know how to function with you when you are drinking. But a sane, sober you is something new for them and that means they have to make adjustments when they were fine with things as they were.
If they are saying that drinking is part of your culture and that your drinking was normal....I have feeling that your sobriety is making them look at themselves and their drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
I really believe this- No matter where we come from, sometimes our cultures just get some things wrong.
My Midwestern American culture informed me that drinking was at first a right if passage, then a deserved reward and even a mark of sophistication if expensive enough.
So, with all that baggage, when the wise thing was to just stop, I too found it unfathomable. Time bought me more and more independence of thought. Now its hard to fathom ruining any celebrations by getting polluted and forgetting half of what went down only to be Ill for at least a day after.
Sobriety brought with it a true example of the possibility of change. I NEVER considered that this was the more fulfilling way to live. I always had assumed it was just some moral "high ground" or something.
My Midwestern American culture informed me that drinking was at first a right if passage, then a deserved reward and even a mark of sophistication if expensive enough.
So, with all that baggage, when the wise thing was to just stop, I too found it unfathomable. Time bought me more and more independence of thought. Now its hard to fathom ruining any celebrations by getting polluted and forgetting half of what went down only to be Ill for at least a day after.
Sobriety brought with it a true example of the possibility of change. I NEVER considered that this was the more fulfilling way to live. I always had assumed it was just some moral "high ground" or something.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 8
When I imagine my future, I generally imagine getting divorced 1-2 times. My first marriage, born out of an intense and remarkable love, will end when my husband and I realize that we're both too passionate to be tied to one another or when he dies in a tragic drag racing accident after a teenager in a leather jacket calls him a chicken. My second marriage will be a marriage of practicality and will end out boredom and because — ha! — how foolish of us to try to make a marriage work between a senator and People Magazine's Most Beautiful Woman Alive!!!! (Eventually, I will fall into a longterm companionship with someone who lives on a separate floor of my luxury apartment building. We won't ever get married, but we will go to our graves being accused of being one another's beards.)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 55
Nobody knows your relationship with alcohol better than yourself.
You might not be a violent or aggressive person while drinking, so people don't see the problem.
Only you know the havoc it causes on you emotionally when you do drink and how hard it is to stop once you start.
I think you're here for a good reason, i think staying in the mindset of always being sober will benefit you.
The sober you is the new you. Try and not take the steps back because your family thinks it's okay.
Perhaps Gently let them know you really enjoy life the way things are now, and you'd appreciate it if they accepted that.
You might not be a violent or aggressive person while drinking, so people don't see the problem.
Only you know the havoc it causes on you emotionally when you do drink and how hard it is to stop once you start.
I think you're here for a good reason, i think staying in the mindset of always being sober will benefit you.
The sober you is the new you. Try and not take the steps back because your family thinks it's okay.
Perhaps Gently let them know you really enjoy life the way things are now, and you'd appreciate it if they accepted that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Phoenix AZ
Posts: 165
Its all about YOU. what do u want? I LOVE how u rediscovered your hobbies and youre looking for new ones. Myself, if i look way too far ahead...thats always gonna be daunting. take it one day at a time; and see what u like, and want your future to be! U sound like youre doing great right now; a real inspiration!
Sober AF Since 3/20/16
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: WI - Where alcohol abuse is a sacrement
Posts: 157
Absolutely.
During my first attempt to quit alcohol, my mother's first words after I told her the news were a disgusted, "Oh, great....". She just loved our weekend long binge sessions, the cases of high-falutin' wine and booze that I always brought. This coupled with the fact that she never, EVER told me she loved me until she was soused speaks volumes about her own habitual abuse.
Later, after a year of sobriety, weight loss, health and happiness, I made the mistake of believing I could be a "normal" drinker. My mother's first words after being told? "Oh thank god, I knew you'd come around!". That was 10 years ago. It led to another decade of hangovers and regret. Of stupid, petty conflicts with others at the slightest provocation. Of being fat, lazy and depressed.
A little more than a year ago, I resolved to rid my life of EVERYTHING that was keeping me from true happiness and fulfillment. Obviously, booze was at the top of the list, but so was my "relationship" with family and my wife. I made my intentions 100% clear. It may sound callous, but the realization that I'd spent my entire life trying to please others at the expense of my own happiness meant that I had absolutely nothing to lose.
I'm all in this time.
During my first attempt to quit alcohol, my mother's first words after I told her the news were a disgusted, "Oh, great....". She just loved our weekend long binge sessions, the cases of high-falutin' wine and booze that I always brought. This coupled with the fact that she never, EVER told me she loved me until she was soused speaks volumes about her own habitual abuse.
Later, after a year of sobriety, weight loss, health and happiness, I made the mistake of believing I could be a "normal" drinker. My mother's first words after being told? "Oh thank god, I knew you'd come around!". That was 10 years ago. It led to another decade of hangovers and regret. Of stupid, petty conflicts with others at the slightest provocation. Of being fat, lazy and depressed.
A little more than a year ago, I resolved to rid my life of EVERYTHING that was keeping me from true happiness and fulfillment. Obviously, booze was at the top of the list, but so was my "relationship" with family and my wife. I made my intentions 100% clear. It may sound callous, but the realization that I'd spent my entire life trying to please others at the expense of my own happiness meant that I had absolutely nothing to lose.
I'm all in this time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Yes. Me. And I'm in the UK as well.
Thing is I aligned myself with others who drank heavily on a regular basis as well, and quite frankly, I had lots of secrets from said friends and family which they'd have been shocked and horrified by. Perhaps divulging those secrets would help them to understand why it really is not a good idea to start drinking again. They also didn't know to what extent my life was becoming unmanageable and I couldn't deal with life's minor (let alone major) problems without them becoming a fiasco. Such drama!!
People are always a bit worried by change, especially if it wasn't them that instigated it. They'll get used to it. Or not. Way I see it, is that's their issue. My issue is working my recovery so I get the best quality recovery possible.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Thing is I aligned myself with others who drank heavily on a regular basis as well, and quite frankly, I had lots of secrets from said friends and family which they'd have been shocked and horrified by. Perhaps divulging those secrets would help them to understand why it really is not a good idea to start drinking again. They also didn't know to what extent my life was becoming unmanageable and I couldn't deal with life's minor (let alone major) problems without them becoming a fiasco. Such drama!!
People are always a bit worried by change, especially if it wasn't them that instigated it. They'll get used to it. Or not. Way I see it, is that's their issue. My issue is working my recovery so I get the best quality recovery possible.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by JeffreyAK 
In my experience, people who really want you to go back to drinking have drinking problems themselves, and feel self-conscious about it when someone close stops drinking. Could that be a factor here?
That or they don't have a drinking problem, so they don't understand addiction. They think it's just a will power thing and you can control your drinking if you really wanted to. These types are also the people that don't understand depression or anxiety.
"just stop being depressed bro."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Reminds me of the old Bob Newhart skit,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Et28kBi1A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Et28kBi1A
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Things you can say to them... They don't get it, and that's their hang up. It doesn't have to be yours. You can explain to them that even though most people can drink alcohol and tolerate it well, lots of people can't and don't. You can say it affects you badly and makes you sick, and that this isn't fun for you, so you're not able to do it. A diabetic shouldn't eat a banana split and I shouldn't drink alcohol. It's really that simple. While I agree that drinking is a cultural norm and a way for people to bond, it's just not for everybody, and that's okay.
Alcoholism is a really tricky, if not impossible, concept to explain to someone who doesn't suffer with it. Sometimes we have to reduce it to terms that are easily understandable to all. And then sometimes even when we do that, we have people who won't "buy it" or accept it, and we have to be okay with that.
Alcoholism is a really tricky, if not impossible, concept to explain to someone who doesn't suffer with it. Sometimes we have to reduce it to terms that are easily understandable to all. And then sometimes even when we do that, we have people who won't "buy it" or accept it, and we have to be okay with that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 11
This has been a problem for me as well, I come from a family of heavy drinkers and everyone in my small town more or less are the same. It's difficult for people to understand that you have a problem when they don't want to admit their own, you've just got to find a way to fight through the passive aggressive responses and focus on your recovery. Wish you the best!
Sober AF Since 3/20/16
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: WI - Where alcohol abuse is a sacrement
Posts: 157
You know what will baffle the hell out of me for as long as I draw a breath on this planet is the notion that we must convince others that alcohol is a problem for us rather than just being able to say, "No thanks, I don't drink".
Of all the choices we can make in this world - get married, have kids, go to college, play tennis, watch baseball, listen to jazz, eat haggis, sky dive, grow peppers, etc...the ONE choice that we constantly have to rationalize to others is our choice of beverage.
Sorry for the rant - I'm sure everyone here has experienced this on many occasions.
Of all the choices we can make in this world - get married, have kids, go to college, play tennis, watch baseball, listen to jazz, eat haggis, sky dive, grow peppers, etc...the ONE choice that we constantly have to rationalize to others is our choice of beverage.
Sorry for the rant - I'm sure everyone here has experienced this on many occasions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 36
Thank you all so much for your advice and for sharing your experiences.
When i first told my mum i was quitting drinking she said "being a tea-totaller isn't a good thing you know?".
But she's seen how I've flourished over the past month and earlier today she said she wants to stop drinking too. My mum doesn't have a major issue with alcohol from what i can see but I think it's great she's stopping because i know it'll really help her stress/anxiety. So tonight she asked to join me for an evening of sobriety rather than the usual Friday drinking.
Now just to convert my dad! Haha
When i first told my mum i was quitting drinking she said "being a tea-totaller isn't a good thing you know?".
But she's seen how I've flourished over the past month and earlier today she said she wants to stop drinking too. My mum doesn't have a major issue with alcohol from what i can see but I think it's great she's stopping because i know it'll really help her stress/anxiety. So tonight she asked to join me for an evening of sobriety rather than the usual Friday drinking.
Now just to convert my dad! Haha
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by Fitcher
You know what will baffle the hell out of me for as long as I draw a breath on this planet is the notion that we must convince others that alcohol is a problem for us rather than just being able to say, "No thanks, I don't drink".
Of all the choices we can make in this world - get married, have kids, go to college, play tennis, watch baseball, listen to jazz, eat haggis, sky dive, grow peppers, etc...the ONE choice that we constantly have to rationalize to others is our choice of beverage.
Sorry for the rant - I'm sure everyone here has experienced this on many occasions.
Of all the choices we can make in this world - get married, have kids, go to college, play tennis, watch baseball, listen to jazz, eat haggis, sky dive, grow peppers, etc...the ONE choice that we constantly have to rationalize to others is our choice of beverage.
Sorry for the rant - I'm sure everyone here has experienced this on many occasions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Buck27
This has been a problem for me as well, I come from a family of heavy drinkers and everyone in my small town more or less are the same. It's difficult for people to understand that you have a problem when they don't want to admit their own, you've just got to find a way to fight through the passive aggressive responses and focus on your recovery. Wish you the best!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Ct.
Posts: 173
I went thru the same thing with my family when I got sober, it went on for a long time. Drinking was part of my culture too and I live in the states. I started to have opinions on things and set limits with people, speak up for myself, be responsible, accountable, honest and expect the same from others(which they didn't like) etc. instead of my previous "who cares" or "oh well" attitude. I'm still the only one in my family who's addressed any of this stuff, and that's ok today, and when I've made jokes about maybe "hitting the bar" downstairs at the hotel I'm staying in when I visit them in Florida, they assure me they like me sober better nowadays with an "oh God no, don't talk like that"! So that's nice too. I lost a wife in this sober journey too, she liked me better not knowing or caring about our finances, less conscious and less confrontational etc. I still have my flaws, but I'm a better man than I used to be, and I wouldn't trade my sober life today for anything! Thanks for the post O.P.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by JeffreyAK
In my experience, people who really want you to go back to drinking have drinking problems themselves, and feel self-conscious about it when someone close stops drinking. Could that be a factor here?
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