melsworld

I keep circling the wagon (drain??) here. I'll do good for awhile, but then have days/weeks where I just FLAME out. I'm going through a devastating divorce with a horrible ex, have little kids, and seriously terrible ins that make any kind of treatment out of the question. So I NEED AA. I'm going to lose my kids and my job if this doesn't stop and stay stopped.

AAer's-please help me out. Tell me it's not going to be so scary. I'm worried there will be rules I won't understand, and I'll have to share all my deep dirty secrets with a bunch of strangers-and I know I'm a big girl and should be able to make myself do this very necessary thing, but I just feel like such a wimp.

Any advice, I'd appreciate it. I know I'm going to have to just bite the bullet-just looking for come comforting words.

2muchpain

Nothing to worry about as far as AA is concerned. You don't need to say anything if you don't want to. I've seen many new people at meetings who just sit and listen for a while until they feel more comfortable to talk. Everybody there was once new too, so they'll understand. No pressure. Just walk in and grab a seat. John

melsworld

Thanks, John

awuh1

You will experience great relief when you attend. Your fears of AA are taking so much energy from you. They are not grounded in reality. Of course this is very difficult for you to see from your perspective. You have never been to a meeting. You have not heard the many stories of those who have suffered just as you are now suffering. You have not had a group of people look at you and truly understand what you are going through.

But you will if you go. GO!

Maudcat

Find an open meeting. The meetings are defined by open, closed, beginners', big book study, or step. Open meetings are probably the easiest to start with. Just go, sit, listen. There will be a person who chairs, or runs the meeting. Formats differ. Sometimes there is a speaker who tells his/her story, then the meeting is opened for sharing.
You do not have to say anything. You can sit, listen to what people are saying.
There may be a question about whether there is anyone new to the meeting. If you raise your hand, you will likely get some phone numbers given to you, and likely someone will approach you after the meeting to offer support.
I met some of the nicest, most supportive people at AA. It has helped a lot of people. I don't attend meetings anymore. At the end of the day, it wasn't the program for me, but it really helped me early on. Good luck.

Forward12

I think for many, going to their first meeting can seem like a very scary thing, but most all will tell you they were welcomed with open arms and were glad they finally went.
You won't be forced to say or do anything, you can just sit and listen.

Dave42001

Don't be worrried at all, its just a room full of retired drunks that just want to help you! I promise you'll be the most important person in the room!!
You will be welcome with open arms, unconditional love!! And free coffee for the new comer.. please go!! If I were closer I'd go with you!!!

MIRecovery

AA is the most non threatening place you will ever go. For me a few days down the road it is the only place I feel completely safe AAs are the kindest, most gentle people you will ever meet. You don't ever have to say a word but I would recommend you mentioning that you have never been to a meeting. Don't worry in the first part of the meeting they will ask if there is anyone who has never been to meeting.

If you are like me you will feel a connection that you have never felt in your life

melsworld

Thanks, all. Planning to go to an open women's meeting tomorrow afternoon and this is the reassurance I needed tonight.

PhoenixJ

Mel- the only rules are act like a big person. Just like when you go shopping- not too hard. You do not have to share anything. You are not being interrogated. You can just sit and listen. The usual is to write your first name on a isit (so they have a list to refer to when asking people to share) . If invited to share- the usual is 'hello my name is ....., and I am an alcoholic'. If you do not want to say anything- just say 'tonight I am just going to listen' The only person who judges you- is you. You do not have to reveal all your dirty dark secrets. Just go to a meeting.

Zebra1275

Go to a meeting.

Sometime later you can laugh about all the fears you had about it, that weren't true.

Spacegoat

I just listen at meetings usually. It's definately a good thing, plenty of kind people there.

Done4today

Hey Melsworld,

I had similar anxiety about AA. My first 30 days I drove away from more meetings than I attended. I laugh now at my fears of going into meetings with other drunks that are just as selfish and self centered as I am/was. I know it's much easier said than done, but don't stress about it. everyone wants you there weather you share or not. Share as much or as little as you want. You'll be a new comer so you are the reason that everyone goes to meetings. New comers bring life and reason to the rooms. Everyone in the rooms of AA have been where you are in regards to booze. I would suggest going to a closed woman's meeting. Also, go there with an open mind and listen for similarities. Get phone numbers and use them. Read the big book and get a sponsor when you find someone you're comfortable with. AA changed my life and all my new friends that I have met through the fellowship. Lastly, it is NOT a religious organization even though you'll hear the word god used often. Good luck and god bless

Doug39

I was very anxious when I started going to AA. I felt like everybody knew each other and I was the new person.

Now, 6 weeks later I go to 6 meetings a week. I have been to at least 15 different meeting places.

I now look forward to going to AA meetings. These rooms are filled with some of the best people I have met in a long time.

fini

hi melsworld,
there are no rules. There are some conventions, such as not interrupting, but nothing you MUST do.
you don't have to sign up for anything, and you can most certainly just listen.

sharing all your dirt with a bunch of strangers? No!
the big book specifically recommends quitethe opposite, saying something like: " our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now."
in a general way.
though there are always a few who spill their guts.
go to several meetings and stick with one where the vast majority of people speak of 'the solution', i.e. of how the work they did by following the suggested program took them to a better place.
not much use hanging in meetings where most everyone just shares their dirty laundry.

all that said, i found it scary the first few times

go do it anyway!

Jeni26

I remember my first meeting as though it was yesterday...I was SO nervous. I worried about being recognised and that I would have to speak out in front of the group....i thought of a million reasons not to go, all of them based in irrational fear.

I can honestly say I LOVE my home group. It's at 7.30 on a Saturday morning, and no matter how rough my week has been or how tired I feel, I'm up bright and early to go there.

AA is full of people like us, it's like a family of folks from all walks of life who care and are completely non-judgemental. I think of it as a face to face SR.

And every group is slightly different, so if you don't like one, there will be another.

Go. What have you got to lose? You've got a whole new set of friends to gain.

Let us know how you get on

Berrybean

Wishing you all the best for your first meeting. I was scared as well. It took a long time for me to make it through the door to my first meeting. When I finally did go it was like meeting a family I'd never known I had. The way people described their feelings - their fears and resentments; not-enoughness; hopelessness; feeling restless, irritable, and discontent; feelings of never quite fitting in... OMG!!! It was like they must have got in my brain, or had me followed or something. Of course, there were lots of differences as well, as we all have a different story. But when I left I did feel, some hope, just because those people had talked about feeling in the past as I felt now - and they had found ways to make life bearable without drink. If they could do it, then perhaps I could as well.

As others have said, no one is 'expected' to speak at any meeting (unless you have taken on a service position that requires that of you). Some folk I know never seem to share, and prefer to open up on a one to one basis at coffee break instead. I actually did speak at ny first meeting, but it was a very little meeting. Only half a dozen people I reckon. I have no idea what I said now. I don't suppose anyone else remembers either. I just remember the kindness I was shown. I also cried quite a bit (maybe if you are prone to tears take some tissues). I felt a bit silly about that, but since then I've seen many people come to their first meeting, and many do cry, and that is fine. Afer all, it can be quite emotional, even if only from the relief of it all being fine after building up all that fear about going, and then getting identification with so many deep seated feeling that we never felt anyone would understand.

Don't forget to let us know how it went.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB

Pipefish

If you want a call from someone local to you, who may also if you wish be able to go along to your first meeting with you, or put you in touch with someone who can go along with you, why not phone the AA service office first, and talk with someone? Just google contact AA and your area for a number to call.

heartcore

You will always retain control over what & how deeply you share. You don't even have to share. You can say "I'm just listening tonight. Thank you."

It is your experience. There is much kindness & support in the rooms. Keep your own appropriate levels of privacy to feel safe.

Ps. Buy a "Big Book" at your first meeting. It was written long ago, & much of the content feels old-fashioned, but there is much wisdom in it & it is the actual "program" of AA. If you read the big book, you will understand the process a thousand times more fully/quickly/easily (& will also recognize when folks are inserting stuff that isn't actually the program - valuable!).

August252015

Great comments here- I definitely was a sit in the back and listen person for a long time. Probably 100 days or so (and I am a very outgoing person!).

Let us know how it goes- praying you have a calm and just fine first visit.