behindblueyes

My (ex) best friend just went to jail this morning for her 2nd DUI. She has 2 kids and will lose them. 90 days. Probation for 3 years. I used to hang out with this person every single day last spring. We used to get wasted all the time. If you look back at my posts, one is about how she drives drunk all over the county. I was more the drink at home type knowing I couldn't control myself.

I was concerned for her and used to try to get her to leave bars. I would try to help her as she had one DUI. So do I. She wouldn't listen so I let her go. Now, I feel guilty.

I am still sober and have been sober. I just told another friend about her sentencing and how bad I feel. Her first words to me were "Well, come out with me.". I told her no, I will not go to a bar with her. She argued with me. I actually became enraged because she said "Well, just come out and not drink at the bar.", "Why can't you just eat and not drink?" I am a people-pleaser and she thinks if she pushes hard enough, I will cave. I told her "I am not like you, I can't be around alcohol like you, I have a problem!". Then, she stopped. I feel humiliated

This person knows I have a DUI. She knows I have been in outpatient (and hospital) rehab. I have about 4 friends like this. They just can't go shopping or out to eat with me (a nice diner). I have to be there "for" them to drink with. Like some sort of "prop".

I am feeling a little disrespected right now and stupid for having no one else in my life. I have met people at AA but I also learned in the meetings in my area, men would ask for rides home, I would be followed if I walked, and I just didn't feel safe. There are actually people who stand outside our NA meetings to do drug deals. This is just a sad area.

Anyway, I am turning to a lonely, sad, workaholic who just comes home to sleep. Does anyone else feel this way? I don't plan on relapsing but I don't see myself making friends at the age I am at (close to 40) or ever getting married (single mom). Has anyone here ever started all over? Thanks for letting me rant.

BrendaChenowyth

People naturally crave support! She wants to be around someone that understands her. You want to be around someone that understands you. Right now, you are not that person for her, she is not that person for you. You can't support eachother's opposing lifestyles, that makes friendship impossible. Wish her well and stay in touch by all means, but you can't hang out the way you used to.

Figure out what you like to do. Find ways to be social without bars, there are tons of ways to do that.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear about your friend, sometimes we just cannot help no matter how much we want to. I think as far as starting all over we've all done that, I know I did. Nearly all of my "friends" were just drinking buddies really, I pretty much have a whole different circle of people and places now. It is not easy but very much worth it.

Maudcat

Hey, BBE. I am saying this gently, and I hope it doesn't sound harsh, but it sounds like your friends aren't friends so much as drinking buddies. Hard to make new friends, I know, especially as a single parent. Are there things you enjoy doing? Knitting, hiking, cooking, reading? There are groups that gather around these things. It' s a good way to get out of the house once in a while and meet like-minded people. Just a thought. Good luck.

Gottalife

I can do that. It is a benefit of the AA program. But I am slective in who I will sit with. I had friends like yours, drunks if you like, I never spend anytime with them in bars or restaurants. Its too boring. Yet my social life does not revolve around AA either. I love going for a coffee after a meeting, but I have probably done thatbthree times in the last 12 months.

I found a couple of clubs were good to mix socially, even though I was not good at it for quite a while. One thing I really enjoyed was Toastmasters - do you have one in your area?
At my home yacht club, the commodore is a very active 40 something, and has half the single men swooning after her. She has two daughters, is a very loving person, and many find that attractive. And she never has any trouble getting a team together to undertake some task or other.

There are various service clubs through out the world that provide great social opportunities while being of service to the community.

There is a lot going on and a lot of nice people out in the world.

All you need to do is get out there. But, as the big book says, if you are feeling shaky, best work with another alcoholic instead.

It is a shame about the meetings you have been going to. Maybe try some others, find a good home group, find a sponsor and work those steps. Some folks have had tremendous success with that formula and a couple of meetings a week.

teatreeoil007

Hang in there bbe. Stick to your guns...

Done4today

Sounds like you're in a good place pertaining to your sobriety. As long as you have that everything else will work out.

KAD

I know all about starting over, BBE, and I've got more than 10 years on you. I would imagine a lot of us have had to start over. I believe you handled the situation well with your friend who kept trying to get you to go out to the bar with her. It's pretty common for sobriety to upset our old social circles. I'm sorry the meetings in your area leave much to be desired. That's where I've found many of my current friends. I don't know where you are, and you've probably already explored neighboring areas but if not, and AA is something you're still interested in, maybe that's an option?

PhoenixJ

Prayers

behindblueyes

Thanks for the replies. I am at work now and the conversation is already "where are you going tonight?" In the office.

Everyone goes out in this area and drinks. I don't want to post my zip code but there are about 3 heroin ODs per day where I live in town.

Is it like this everywhere? When I went to rehab, they said if we didn't show up for a meeting we would be kicked out of the facility because the need for help is too high to waste on those who don't want it.

I really used to enjoy jogging so much but can barely walk now. 5ks were my passion. I am trying to find a new hobby. Thanks all.

KAD

Last year, there was a heroin bust in my town that was the largest drug bust in the state's history. It's become a very big problem.

ScottFromWI

I don't know where you live so I cannot of course say anything for certain, but I know I used to think the same thing - that "everyone" goes out and drinks. I eventually found that not only is that not true for me, but that the exact opposite is true. Statistically, alcoholics and binge drinkers are a very small minority of the poplulation. The majority of people drink very little or not at all.

The problem for me was that I equated "everyone" to be the small circle of drinking acquaintances that I hung around with. Once you start looking around you see that there is a whole world out there of things to do and people to meet that have nothing to do with alcohol at all. There are volunteer groups, book clubs, churches, social/charity organizations, exercise groups, YMCA's, coffee shops, you name it...and pretty much all of them have activities and groups of people that do things without any alcohol around.

leviathan

40 is not too old.

Berrybean

I got sober at 41. About a couple of months into sobriety I moved house (that was already in the works before I got sober though). I found myself in a new area with a bit of geographical distance between me and my old friends. In the pubs round here I'm the woman who doesn't drink, rather than someone who used to drink ****-loads and then stopped. That makes it easier. My new city is more like a small town (us only called a City because we have a cathedral) and feels incredibly safe. The AA meetings here and in the neighbouring town are solution-focussed, loving and feel incredibly safe and positive. As a new person to the area I have immersed myself by joining various activity groups, and volunteering at community events, and getting more involved in church than I did before. It had been an amazingly positive experience.

I hope and pray that you will experience some change as well. But its like that phrase about praying for potatoes. Sometimes you need to grab a hoe as well. Often the best helping hand we can ask for is right there on the end of our arm. It takes courage to make changes, but it doesn't sound like you have a lot to lose by making changes anyway.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Bunny211

Yeah, you need new friends. Why not cultivate some hobbies and interests...join a meet up group (hiking, trivia, sailing, skiing, arts and crafts, theatre) and make some new friends in an arena that does not revolve around drinking. I had to do the same thing. It sucked. You can get through this though!

PS-The longer I stay sober, the more my old friends realize they are drunks and come into sobriety. Crazy how that works. People can only keep up an addict lifestyle for so long....

Outonthetiles

Ghost your old friends.

dsmaxis10

The last one see ya blocked his number today. He got me drinking ale hops I don't like it I love it I meen LOVE IT!!! Only problem if I drink one more time like I did last night it's go to the ER then institutionalized then Sacred Heart for a year. SO I hate it I meen HATE IT DIE YOU ROTTEN ALE.

Done4today

Since reading your first post on this thread, I have been trying to remember my "friends" names that I drank with every Friday and Saturday night. I can't remember their names but I can tell you which bar and what time they will be there.

BrendaChenowyth

Some of them won't even notice lol



I remember deleting the last of my coke buddies from my phone. I never heard from them.

daisy1

I found great friends joining a hiking group