Nuke

I have to tell somebody, this is killing me...

I was a year sober on 10/16/16, and that day passed like any other. For some reason, while I was out of town the other day (no special occasion) I decided that I was going to "just have one".

What a disaster...one turned to twenty, and the next day was HORRIBLE.

After everything that I read and studied up on about alcoholism, for some reason I thought that I was special...

I am not even that dissapointed that I no longer have a year under my belt, I am just disgusted with myself for giving into my AV and thinking that (as I have proved time and time again) that I am not an alcoholic...

The following day was enough to remind me of one of the reasons I stopped drinking in the first place.

Thanks for listening to my pity party, i just needed to get that off of my chest.

Why does the AV have to be so damn cunning...

Nuke

Just to clarify, I have absolutely NO desire to pick up a drink again. EVERY SINGLE reason I chose to quit over a year ago came back like a freight train that next day.

I guess that was just what I needed to reinforce (in my mind) that I am an alcoholic. I was hoping that after a year I was "cured."

Soberwolf

I'm glad you posted Nuke the AV is very powerful & cunning it will lie and lie & lie

I've had friends who have been where you are now sometimes I think the whole thing about being a year sober rattles some people for whatever reason and the AV jumps on it

I think you have made a strong post against & exposing your AV that will only hold you in good stead

You went over a year so you know it's possible learn from it & back on the water wagon brother

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Nuke. I think it's vitally important that we accept that we can never be "cured". We can be sober, but if we ever let up the AV will always sneak back in. Glad you are here getting things out there...writing it out can be very helpful.

August252015

Glad you made it back.

What were you doing to stay sober for a year? What are you going to do now?

Best of luck- hope to see you around here.

Algorithm

You left it a gigantic opening, which it capitalized on. Namely, this idea that you "can't" drink, which is not true, since anyone can swallow alcohol, as you well know.

"I can't drink" = "I would drink if I could"

All the AV had to do was to convince you that you could drink, which it easily did, and you drank, on cue.

Another opening.

"I have no desire to drink" = "I might drink if I did"

In other words, that you "can't" drink, but hoping that you could drink and get away with it?

Close those loopholes...

biminiblue

Many of us have done something equally baffling.

It only takes a second.


Alcoholism is like a pilot light, it's always simmering, waiting quietly for me to light a match.

Nuke

The biggest help in my sobriety has been my time as an EMT on a local Fire Department. The vast majority of the calls that I go on are alcohol/drug related, and seeing the situations that people have gotten themselves into has been a huge help in reminding me why I no longer drank.

I honestly don't know why I made the decision to drink last week, all I can come up with is that I felt that I could handle it. Not surprisingly, after I had one, I thought, "heck, one more cannot hurt" and down the rabbit hole I went. It was like I was chasing something that I NEEDED so badly, even though I knew it was not the path I should be on. I felt guilty about the first drink, less about the second, and that guilt was non-existent by the third and subsequent drinks.

I don't know if I was trying to prove to myself one last time that alcohol and I don't and should not get along, or I had just decided to give up on my sobriety...I have thought long and hard on it, and I cannot come up with a good reason for why I did what I did.

All I can hope is that I learned my lesson (again), and next time I get that urge I remember the misery and dissapointment that I am going through now.

Nuke

A very good way to look at it, thank you for the insight.

ByHisLove

I'm so glad that you were able to come back to reality after only one night. Don't be disgusted with yourself, be proud that you didn't head back into the downward spiral. Be proud that you now realize the truth.

Tell your AV to F off and that it will not be able to deceive you again!

tomsteve

its only as cunning as I allow it to be.

Nuke

Typing this all out has really helped me visualize what went on that night. Thank you all for helping me through this.

Here are some more thoughts...

I felt like a teenager again, I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing and I was going to get away with as much of it as I could. Hoping not to get caught. However, I did get caught the next morning, I woke up at 0345 and commenced puking my guts out, and barely being able to walk from the shakes and the migraine that I had. I was so miserable I couldn't even sleep it off, all I could do was lay in the bed, and crawl to the bathroom every 30min to continue emptying my stomach from the poison that I poured so readily down there the night before.

I am sure it didn't help that since the last time I drank before then I got onto an SSRI to help out with some depression. Even though I hadn't tested that mixture before, I knew that mixing the two was not a good idea.

I still sit here shaking my head, feeling beaten down, and utterly disgusted with myself, even a week later. It took me this long to return to this site and confess my sins to a group of people who I know would be supportive and offer some insight into why I chose the path I did.

Again, thank you for all of the encouragement and support. I greatly appreciate it.

biminiblue

Nuke, have you done any reading about Kindling? <<--link

The withdrawals/hangovers get worse every time you go back.

Along the line of your inner toddler...I was over weight in 2006 and had to lose over 50 pounds. It was SO tough for me to say, "No," to that pouty little kid who just had to have a whole box of Mike and Ikes.

Turns out saying, "No," was the best thing for that bratty little kid who just wanted what she wanted when she wanted it.

Nuke

I have not, but at a brief glance, I need to read more on that subject. It seems very plausible after my recent episode that is something that I endured. This last time was BAD, worse than I can remember for a long time. I was just contributing it to "being older" but the Kindling effect makes sense.

Thanks for the info to research some, it will be some good reading this evening.

Ionray

I was immediately reminded of the story from the AA Big Book about the car salesman who was happily sober and then, without warning one day at a lunch counter decided it couldn't hurt to have some whiskey in his milk. And then ordered another. And then another.

Thank you for sharing your experience; it is always a good reminder how the AV sits quietly waiting to pounce. Sometimes it succeeds.

Hevyn

Hi Nuke.

I did the very same thing. I was sober 3 yrs. I was with someone who ordered me a glass of wine, not knowing I didn't drink (and I didn't tell him). That one glass of wine turned in to 5. Next day I felt like maybe I could actually be a social drinker. Gradually, I was right back to where I'd been before - then it got much worse. My life was torn to shreds. I didn't stop again for 7 years. You are owning what happened and talking about it now - your world won't fall apart the way mine did. Thanks for talking about what happened. It reminded me why I can never risk taking another sip.

BullDog777

what the hell is AV??

courage2

I went on a binge about a month after I hit a year. I sobered up before too long, because I had strong sober support. I added some big things to my plan then. Are you getting support -- family, friends, a professional? Are you going to intensify your commitment with action?
In the couple of years since I last drank, I've never forgotten how bad that binge felt. It scared me.

Stay well!

I hope you remember your lesson, too.

ScottFromWI

It stands for "Alcoholic Voice" or "Addictive Voice". Basically it's the voice in your head that tells you that drinking might be a good idea.

obosob

Be careful....

I was 15 moths sober, that was July 2015.

Mostly off since, but it's the things you can't see with real alcoholism.
Things just go wrong!

I'm ready again.

Full support from me.