Justme2016

Well I can't blame anyone for my behavior, I know who my drinking friends are but I am trying to distant myself so when I feel my best friend being mad at me because I didn't go drink with her why am I sad. I wish there was an easy way to distance myself but I guess there isn't. Someone just reassure me if I want to stop drinking I have to cut off my triggers. Everytime I have a serious talk with her she tries to convince me its okay to drink but I told her for my sanity I need to stop and she insists I am just being an old fuddy duddy. Feedback?

OddOneIn

In what way is she your best friend. You told her you do not want to drink and she is not respecting that.

However if you do not feel ready to walk away from this friendship just arrange to do activities that do not include drinking.

What usually happens when you get sober is that your true friends accept you for you. Your friends who were just drinking buddies sort of drift away.

Justme2016

Thank you, I know she also has a drinkkng problem and she doesn't want to accept it.

OddOneIn

Just keep your focus on your own sobriety and make that your priority everyday.

I didn't really tell anyone for a long time. In the beginning I kind of turned down things if I thought I would be tempted. If I could not get out of an event or party I would go and grab a glass of soda and hold it in my hand the whole time so no one would force a drink on me.

Justme2016

Thank you

Dee74

Hi just me

I think for most of us recovery is all about change - because if your old life was anything like mine, it was all about drinking.

Change is a process - it takes a little time and it can be uncomfortable at time at first - but I love my life now.

I lost a lot of drinking buddies but I reconnected with a lot of old friends, and made some new ones too

It will be ok - hang in there

D

Yogini1603

That's not cool of your friend. I, unfortunately, have had a bunch of friendships that I had to end years ago when I was getting off drugs because they were great friends when we were high as kites, but as soon as I got clean, I couldn't be around them without feeling like I'd done something wrong by stopping heroin or that I was out of place and had no sober, common ground.

I'm not saying you need to cut ties, because I have a lot of friends that still drink even though I don't drink alcohol any longer. However, I need time to get that solid base for myself away from heavy drinkers until I feel confident in myself. I'm relatively newly sober after a relapse on alcohol and I know that if I put myself in a situation with certain people, I'll feel uncomfortable and not confident about the choices I'm making. I like my friends and still text and call, but for now, I can't hang out with them as much as I'd like because they're like I was, huge day drinkers.

To keep my friendships strong whilst preserving my own sobriety, I usually meet friends in the morning. Thankfully none of them drank as soon as they woke up like I did, they usually start from 12pm or 6pm, so I meet up with them before that for coffee. That way I get to see them when they're sober and I can still get to an AA meeting afterwards if I feel pressured or need to share with others in recovery.

Gottalife

I suspected as much. Put yourself in her shoes. She knows she has a problem, but it is not something she wants to give up. If she has a friend that drinks the same way she can justify her drinking to herself. If you are slightly worse, she can also be comfortable that she is not that bad (yet).

But what if you stop. What if your drinking was such a problem that total abstinence is the only solution. What does that say about her drinking. At the very least it will make her uncomfortable. Her solution is to try and pull you back down to her level. Then her drinking will be ok again.

Same thing happened to me and I lost a few buddies as a result. The other side of that coin was that I had been using them to justify my drinking, so it wasn't really a healthy friendship in the first place.

August252015

There it is.

She doesn't want to change, so it is uncomfortable for HER that you are trying to do so.

Sounds like a time to make some hard choices about what is most important to you- is it being sober?

Good luck.

TaniksHunter

Usually what makes people relapse after recovery (according to science) is being in the same situation, with the same people, as before when they were using their substance of choice. If you need to distance yourself from your friends to do that, then that's what you need to do for yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but it'll be worth it in the end.

Berrybean

Yes. Drinkers are like crabs in a bucket. When one tries to escape the others tend to try to pull them back in.

My best buddy from my drinking days was similar. In the end I just avoided her for a while, then asked her if she fancied going shopping and for lunch. Which we did. Then I suggested a few other completely non-drinking activities and she was happy to do those. I've stopped going in the pub with her even if she says it'll only be for a couple. She just gets boring-pissed and gets on my nerves. I suppose she acts as a mirror to how I used to be as well, which isn't comfortable.

Some of our old drinking buddies will do other stuff with us, but it's no good waiting for them to suggest it, or expect them to choose that activity over drinking if it's at a time when they'd normally be boozing. I'd suggest maybe sorting out in your own mind what you'd like them to do with you instead of what you used to do, then ask /tell them and see what happens.

It's also worth starting to form a network of sober pals. Not to replace the old ones necessarily, but because they'll be able to support you in a way that active alcoholics and normies cannot.

entropy1964

Yep. Gotta change your playthings, playmates and playgrounds. Go to lunch with your friend, coffee? If she's not game, she's not really that great a friend.

tomsteve

why you feel sad could be because you see the friendship revolved around alcohol and the friendship will probably come to an end?

waynetheking

I lost a lot of friends when I quit drinking. And frankly, I didn't care. My sanity and life depends on not drinking anymore. I had people in my life that would meet me at bars. We all got drunk. I paid most of the time. These people were not my friends. They just wanted to get drunk with me. When I sobered up, they were no where to be found. Seriously. No encouragement at all.
So if your friend wants you to engage in something that can potentially kill you then my suggestion is to leave these people behind and find someone else that cares about you. It's that simple.