Sponsee taking benzos
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Sponsee taking benzos
Hey everybody
I've been sponsoring a woman in her 60s who recently celebrated 10 years sobriety. I met her a year ago and have been sponsoring her since then. Long story short.....I received a call from her adult kids who told me she has been taking benzos for years. They just found out and so have cut her out of their lives I knew she was taking ssri for anxiety disorder but she never told me about benzo use. She went to treatment 10 years ago for both addictions.....alcohol and benzos. Kids insisted she come clean with me. When she phoned to tell me, she lied and said she did take a few before she met me but that she was not taking any now. Next day i confronted her again and she admitted she had taken more than a few but was not taking any now. She finally admitted that she is currently taking them but that she is taking them as prescribed "as needed". Her kids met with doc who told kids that is true and he approves. She told me she did not know they were benzos. ....which I know is a lie. She is recovering from surgery so I told her that we will discuss this further after she recovers. She says she does not want to go to treatment and can stop on her own. Her kids want her to go to treatment and that is why they have cut her out of their lives.
I need feedback....has anyone out there ever sponsored someone taking benzos? As prescribed by doc? To me, she might as well be drinking.
I suspected something was off when she insisted she had no resentments while doing step 4-5.
I want to drop her. Trust is gone. Suggestions?
I've been sponsoring a woman in her 60s who recently celebrated 10 years sobriety. I met her a year ago and have been sponsoring her since then. Long story short.....I received a call from her adult kids who told me she has been taking benzos for years. They just found out and so have cut her out of their lives I knew she was taking ssri for anxiety disorder but she never told me about benzo use. She went to treatment 10 years ago for both addictions.....alcohol and benzos. Kids insisted she come clean with me. When she phoned to tell me, she lied and said she did take a few before she met me but that she was not taking any now. Next day i confronted her again and she admitted she had taken more than a few but was not taking any now. She finally admitted that she is currently taking them but that she is taking them as prescribed "as needed". Her kids met with doc who told kids that is true and he approves. She told me she did not know they were benzos. ....which I know is a lie. She is recovering from surgery so I told her that we will discuss this further after she recovers. She says she does not want to go to treatment and can stop on her own. Her kids want her to go to treatment and that is why they have cut her out of their lives.
I need feedback....has anyone out there ever sponsored someone taking benzos? As prescribed by doc? To me, she might as well be drinking.
I suspected something was off when she insisted she had no resentments while doing step 4-5.
I want to drop her. Trust is gone. Suggestions?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Sounds like quite a dilemma you are in. I don't know a lot about the sponsor/sponsee protocol, but what would you do if a sponsee was drinking? Sounds like about the same thing in her case since she's been addicted to benzos before.
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Join Date: May 2014
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It sounds to me like you're sponsoring someone you can't trust to be honest with you at all, and there don't seem to be too many requirements prior to doing the steps except a desire to stop drinking and honesty... I don't know if I would want to put myself through the crazy-making behavior.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Sounds like quite a dilemma you are in. I don't know a lot about the sponsor/sponsee protocol, but what would you do if a sponsee was drinking? Sounds like about the same thing in her case since she's been addicted to benzos before.
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
It sounds to me like you're sponsoring someone you can't trust to be honest with you at all, and there don't seem to be too many requirements prior to doing the steps except a desire to stop drinking and honesty... I don't know if I would want to put myself through the crazy-making behavior.
Thanks very much.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Arizona
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I can see why you'd be conflicted by Benzo use, but I wouldn't interfere with a legit prescription.
I think the bigger issue here is the one that BrendaChenowyth pointed out which is your sponsee's dishonesty.
CJ
I think the bigger issue here is the one that BrendaChenowyth pointed out which is your sponsee's dishonesty.
CJ
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
Hmmm. Seems like something big is missing from this picture. The kids have cut her out of their lives for taking benzos as prescribed? Sounds kind of intense.
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Originally Posted by cejay
I can see why you'd be conflicted by Benzo use, but I wouldn't interfere with a legit prescription.
I think the bigger issue here is the one that BrendaChenowyth pointed out which is your sponsee's dishonesty.
CJ
I think the bigger issue here is the one that BrendaChenowyth pointed out which is your sponsee's dishonesty.
CJ
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
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prescribed by a doc makes tons of difference as far as I'm concerned, though it doesn't mean she might not be abusing them.
the situation the way you describe it is full of drama, yours, hers and her kids'.
it's my understanding a sponsor's job is to help a person through the step process, and not to confront, confront again and talk with relatives behind sponsee's back, discuss her with relatives or try to "make" her tell what you think is the truth.
This sounds so very messy and like for sure it's best for both of you not o be working together.
getting honest with people........can be really hard. takes courage and willingness to be vulnerable. it sounds like trust was not broken as much as maybe never established/grown to begin with.
and sounds painful all around.
the situation the way you describe it is full of drama, yours, hers and her kids'.
it's my understanding a sponsor's job is to help a person through the step process, and not to confront, confront again and talk with relatives behind sponsee's back, discuss her with relatives or try to "make" her tell what you think is the truth.
This sounds so very messy and like for sure it's best for both of you not o be working together.
getting honest with people........can be really hard. takes courage and willingness to be vulnerable. it sounds like trust was not broken as much as maybe never established/grown to begin with.
and sounds painful all around.
Join Date: Sep 2016
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Originally Posted by Grateful2BHere
Yes. Because she has essentially relapsed.....prescribed by a doc makes no difference. They want her to get help and believe that anything less than cutting her off is enabling her. I can't help but agree.
We have the children of an adult recovering from surgery conspiring with her sponsor against her, and trying to interfere with her prescriptions. To force her to get 'treatment', they are applying pressure when she is most vulnerable, and when she probably needs their support the most.
By all means, drop her as a sponsee if you must, to maintain your brand of guidance (for her own good, no doubt). But, do stop playing amateur psychiatrist, and do stop pretending to be a saint, along with the kids. Saints do not behave as such.
The doctor is probably now aware that she has had a problem with alcohol and benzos in the past, from his meeting with her kids. Anything beyond encouraging her to discuss the potential for abuse with her doctor once more, is probably an overreach.
As Alexander Pope once wrote, the worst of madmen is a saint gone mad.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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It seems that if the doctor prescribes them and she has valid need for them and isn't abusing them, for example taking more than she is supposed to, it would be as any other medication.
Also kind of agree with Frickaflip in that... kids don't cut their own parents out simply for taking prescribed medications. Probably tons else going on.
Also kind of agree with Frickaflip in that... kids don't cut their own parents out simply for taking prescribed medications. Probably tons else going on.
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Ditto fini and Algorithm
Perhaps she *lies* because she is afraid, and by the sound of it she has good reason, and good reason to stick with her, unless of course you really find it disturbing, then by all means exit.
When I DID go to AA I bumped into another member who was in full on psychosis, bi-polar, a journalist.
I wasn't very experienced so took him home, called an older sober member who told him he hadn't done the 4th Step
Agree with sleepie in that if they are doc. prescribed and she is not abusing them, what's the problem?
Perhaps she *lies* because she is afraid, and by the sound of it she has good reason, and good reason to stick with her, unless of course you really find it disturbing, then by all means exit.
When I DID go to AA I bumped into another member who was in full on psychosis, bi-polar, a journalist.
I wasn't very experienced so took him home, called an older sober member who told him he hadn't done the 4th Step
Agree with sleepie in that if they are doc. prescribed and she is not abusing them, what's the problem?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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You are fine working with the family. It is strongly and repeatedly mentioned in the Big Book advice on how to work with others.
" You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. It may mean the loss of many nights' sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money and your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums." That's just one quote.
You are being a responsible sponsor, a very rare thing these days. Far easier to just cut and run.
The dilemna for me is the substance. I know how destructive and dangerous benzos can be. Benzos are like alcohol in respect that the withdrawals can kill, and it takes a lot longer to withdraw. This is what I know from asking questions and reading, but I have no exprience with benzos, I am just an alcoholic.
I am thinking if your sponsee really wants to get well and is willing to do anything, then perhaps an introduction to an NA member might be a way forward. Like us AAs, they don't have any power to make someone sober up, but they may be able to help them along just the same. One of the things they will know about is how good an addict is at lying to doctors, and probably alcoholics too.
If you do have to step back, try to leave the door open for the future. Perhaps it will be true that you can't help at the moment with this particular issue, but let her know that you are there should she wish to resume her journey in a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.
It is also suggested to stay in touch with the family. They may be able to let you know when your sponsee is open to being helped.
" You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. It may mean the loss of many nights' sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money and your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums." That's just one quote.
You are being a responsible sponsor, a very rare thing these days. Far easier to just cut and run.
The dilemna for me is the substance. I know how destructive and dangerous benzos can be. Benzos are like alcohol in respect that the withdrawals can kill, and it takes a lot longer to withdraw. This is what I know from asking questions and reading, but I have no exprience with benzos, I am just an alcoholic.
I am thinking if your sponsee really wants to get well and is willing to do anything, then perhaps an introduction to an NA member might be a way forward. Like us AAs, they don't have any power to make someone sober up, but they may be able to help them along just the same. One of the things they will know about is how good an addict is at lying to doctors, and probably alcoholics too.
If you do have to step back, try to leave the door open for the future. Perhaps it will be true that you can't help at the moment with this particular issue, but let her know that you are there should she wish to resume her journey in a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.
It is also suggested to stay in touch with the family. They may be able to let you know when your sponsee is open to being helped.
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Thanks everyone who took the time to write. I really appreciate the suggestions, honesty, and feedback. Just for the record, please know that my sponsee is aware of the conversation I had with her family. She gave them my contact number
She is aware of everything that they shared with me. And yes, there is a LOT more to their story which I will not detail here. My suggestion to them was to attend Alanon....there was no conspiring behind her back and I encouraged them to support her through her recovery from surgery. I would never consider discussing her affairs "behind her back,"
I asked her permission to discuss with my sponsor,
Gottalife, thanks so much for your suggestions ...there are NA meetings here ....I'll suggest those resources to her too.
She is aware of everything that they shared with me. And yes, there is a LOT more to their story which I will not detail here. My suggestion to them was to attend Alanon....there was no conspiring behind her back and I encouraged them to support her through her recovery from surgery. I would never consider discussing her affairs "behind her back,"
I asked her permission to discuss with my sponsor,
Gottalife, thanks so much for your suggestions ...there are NA meetings here ....I'll suggest those resources to her too.
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Originally Posted by Gottalife
You are fine working with the family. It is strongly and repeatedly mentioned in the Big Book advice on how to work with others.
" You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. It may mean the loss of many nights' sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money and your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums." That's just one quote.
.
" You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. It may mean the loss of many nights' sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money and your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums." That's just one quote.
.
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Hi Grateful. Everything you have spoken of here just brings home all the effort, resource and emotional costs that addiction can bring into lives.
I would not want to be handling any of what I have at 60, I could barely handle it in my 40's.
I do happen to have experience with benzos. Much of my withdrawal was due to them and I feel my brain will be repairing from them as well as alcohol for a time and it has been nearly a year I haven't had either.
I do still think though, as much as I personally am aware of the issues and dangers of benzos- that at times they are appropriate.
I do not think they should be taken forever though.
Thing is, one can't really tell as far as these things go as to a number of things. As in, does she truly need them? Do they help her to function and be otherwise productive? They did for me, for a time. They were a life saver.
Is she seeing this doctor because they'll simply prescribe them? Is this a responsible doctor? Has she any aspirations to be med free at any point?
Anxiety is an absolute beast. It's the kind of thing that won't kill you in and of itself, but it really can damage one's life and relationships. She may need the benzos, for a time.
It's a strange, thin line- as they do act on the brain chemistry in the same manner as alcohol. But you won't really necessarily feel high or drunk- just "normal" as people say.
I would not want to be handling any of what I have at 60, I could barely handle it in my 40's.
I do happen to have experience with benzos. Much of my withdrawal was due to them and I feel my brain will be repairing from them as well as alcohol for a time and it has been nearly a year I haven't had either.
I do still think though, as much as I personally am aware of the issues and dangers of benzos- that at times they are appropriate.
I do not think they should be taken forever though.
Thing is, one can't really tell as far as these things go as to a number of things. As in, does she truly need them? Do they help her to function and be otherwise productive? They did for me, for a time. They were a life saver.
Is she seeing this doctor because they'll simply prescribe them? Is this a responsible doctor? Has she any aspirations to be med free at any point?
Anxiety is an absolute beast. It's the kind of thing that won't kill you in and of itself, but it really can damage one's life and relationships. She may need the benzos, for a time.
It's a strange, thin line- as they do act on the brain chemistry in the same manner as alcohol. But you won't really necessarily feel high or drunk- just "normal" as people say.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Atlanta
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I wont give any advice as to if you should continue to sponsor or as to your sponsee's integrity, but I will say this...it can be VERY dangerous stopping benzos without treatment. In fact, benzos may have worse side effects than alcohol withdrawal which makes it very difficult to cease using the meds because the body has become physically dependent. Not saying you should accept her lies but know that she may be dealing with more than one addiction. There are some great support forums to help people in benzo withdrawals as this can last 6-18 months much like PAWS with alcohol withdrawals.
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Recently celebrated 25 years. During most of that time I had a prescription for Klonopin, which I rarely used. A prescription typically lasted eight months. However, I was never addicted to them (only alcohol) and was always upfront with sponsors. Since she's lying about taking the meds I would see a red flag as well.
However, I always defer to AA's advice that we shouldn't play doctor. I have two sponsees taking psychiatric medication and tell them to always defer to their doctor. Here's a link to AA's literature on the matter:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-11_...ersMedDrug.pdf
However, I always defer to AA's advice that we shouldn't play doctor. I have two sponsees taking psychiatric medication and tell them to always defer to their doctor. Here's a link to AA's literature on the matter:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-11_...ersMedDrug.pdf
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