Peeling away the layers...

Old 09-07-2016, 12:05 PM
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Peeling away the layers...

In your quest to achieve sobriety, did you ever discover that there was that one hidden thing that caused you to be angry? And thus became a compulsion to drink?

And perhaps it was there all along, but denial kept you from confronting it?

Is this possible? Or am out in left field and over-thinking things again??
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Old 09-07-2016, 01:41 PM
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I don't know where you are at in your recovery but looking at upsetting past events ( at least in very early recovery) might only serve to make things more difficult.

Be careful of a trap that involves looking for a "reason" why you drink. Something you can pin down as the "cause" and perhaps as a justification.

If there was any one thing that "caused" me to be angry it was my own expectations. Sure, I have had plenty of nasty things happen to me, but the emotions they caused never justified my drinking. I had to find other, more healthy ways of dealing with these sorts of events, whether the were in the past or in the present.
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Old 09-07-2016, 01:48 PM
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I see it more as an entrenched habit I developed probably due to a mix of genetics, brain chemistry, socialization, upbringing, and a normal or maybe slightly heightened desire for novelty. A multi-faceted and learned disorder.

Anger did not cause me to drink. I drank for any number of reasons and for no reason at all.
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Old 09-07-2016, 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by awuh1 View Post
If there was any one thing that "caused" me to be angry it was my own expectations.
"All expectations are seeds for resentment".
(Chuang Tzu)
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Old 09-07-2016, 02:59 PM
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The more I listened at meetings, and in counseling, and the more I read, it did really feel like peeling back layers. Things made more sense. I had to get sober to do that though, get to that thinking process. Learning to let go and forgive and work through past pain and resentments. It really is a big, slow process if you do it properly. First we don't drink. Then we do the work to keep us from drinking.
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Old 09-07-2016, 04:39 PM
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I kept thinking I would have some suppressed memory emerge to explain why I drank. Over two years now and it hasn't and won't.

I'm just a drunk. I drank to not feel. I drank no matter what, good or bad.
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Old 09-07-2016, 05:33 PM
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I drank for any old reason. No emotion or event 'made' me drink. I drank because I was addicted.
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Old 09-07-2016, 05:43 PM
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Drinking was a choice I made. I didn't need to be angry to drink. However, in the end it was my drinking that made me angry. I hope and pray I'm done with it.
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Old 09-07-2016, 06:06 PM
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Originally Posted by steve-in-kville View Post
In your quest to achieve sobriety, did you ever discover that there was that one hidden thing that caused you to be angry?
Yes, drinking. Angry at myself, angry at all the false "causes" I made up to blame for my drinking, angry that I couldn't stop, angry at everything and everyone.
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Old 09-07-2016, 09:33 PM
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Not quite one cause.

One big thing that I realised was that I tend to take any scary negative emotion (jealousy, loneliness, fears (and there are many of those for me that I didn't recognise before) shame) and flipped it over into anger. Often so quickly that I didn't even notice the initial feeling. A lot of my recovery has been about recognising that anger bubbling up comes from some other feeling that I don't want to deal with and backtracking to find the cause. More often than not it's fear. Sometimes the humility prayer I found online helps me to think through what it is I'm fearful of, as I read through the list and that thing really touches a nerve.

The other thing that I notice about thoughts, feeling and events that I don't want to deal with is that I have a tendency to reach for 'Stuff' to make me feel better, which either will just give me a short term buzz. Or will give me that buzz and also make things worse. So, if I'm skint, I'll use money I don't have (credit) to buy myself a treat to make me feel better. If I'm dissapointed at my fat rolls around my waist, I'll treat myself to some chocolate. All completely counterproductive and futile attempts.

So I suppose there is one main thing, which is the Berrybean attitude to things that I don't want to deal with. That inner brat that stamps her foot and says "I don't wanna...." I'm gradually learning to hear that inner dialogue and trying to resist acting on the brats whims. I suspect my brat is the twin of my AV.
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Old 09-08-2016, 06:00 AM
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I can come up with endless reasons why I drank. But I drank because I desired the effects, I didn't want to feel and experience things that were uncomfortable and I am chemically drawn to not stop once I start. I can't let myself think more than that because otherwise I will return to drinking. The problem lies within me and I have the solution that will help me solve it. Acceptance.
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Old 09-08-2016, 06:22 AM
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I can name a couple for me: I was angry at God and my mother for sexual abuse that occurred.

I was angry at my family because it was ****** up.

As I've gotten older and failed over and over and feel "lost" I often get stuck in anger at myself.
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Old 09-08-2016, 12:00 PM
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Thanks for the replies to this thread. Reason I bring this up... I've discovered that something in my life has caused me to be very angry (besides drinking!) and I recently cut ties with it. Its almost like the weight of the world has been taken from my shoulders.
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