Timing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Austin Texas
Posts: 165
Timing
My wife is traveling for work. I was exhausted but figured what the heck, since I have been having trouble getting to sleep, might as well go to a 10:30 pm meeting, The 5:00pm is my usual, the 8:00pm is pretty hard core and more serious, older age group (Love this one), and the 10:30 is typically the younger crowd, 20 or less to 35 and up. It was packed last night.
I had met with my shrink yesterday, and what came up was just my pure ongoing fear. I fear losing customers, I fear meeting people and being judged, I fear alcohol, and in most cases I can logically think myself down through it. It does not go away though. It hangs. I told my shrink all in all, I am quite happy, but most of the time I am quite blah, but mostly I am not beating myself up constantly and not thinking the world will end.
She says "Can't you just tell yourself that there is nothing to fear?"
WTF???? I am paying this much money to be asked this? This is like all of us being asked by a non alcoholic "Can't you just stop?"
No, I can't 'just stop drinking'. It was a LOT of work to finally get sober, relapse, sober, relapse, sober, 85 days, relapse, 90 day chip, yes, to 2.5 years, relapse, and here I am at 1 year and 3 days. It took more then two months to "JUST STOP", so she really caught me off guard, and I am going to call her on it in two weeks when I go back. I did not realize what a Psych 101 question she asked an alcoholic, and she is an MD Shrink, done it all seen it all. I am sure I am being defensive and she was looking for my thoughts. But still.
So I go to the meeting, it's packed, and the topic is "We always beat ourselves up, meetings seem to always be about what we ARE NOT doing, I have been hearing people talk about this, so tonight I want to focus on what we ARE doing right. We are here tonight, we are doing that right. If you have not used or drank today, you did that right. And he told a great story about his experience, and WOW, each and every share was intense, from the gut, male and females, passionate, personal, all about FEAR, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION vs SADNESS, first hand experiences. I had to email myself during the meeting what I was hearing knowing I would never remember it.
What struck me was that ONCE AGAIN, THAT was the meeting I needed to go to. I needed to hear what I am currently having BIG issues with, which is fear. Waking up fearing I won't get done today what I need to do. Fear that I woke up too late and the clock is ticking. Fear my chickens will die from dehydration even though they have plenty of water. Fear of losing my customers, even though I DON'T LOSE CUSTOMERS, I take care of them, I service them, they depend on me. That was when my shrinkage asked "Why can't you just tell yourself there is nothing to fear?" I said I can do that mental exercise, and not only realize there is nothing to fear, then I go in person to see them, and they are happy as can be to be buying **** from me, at a premium, yet still, that cloud is always there. Not as dark, but its there constantly.
I was those young people last night trying so hard to get past all the 'stuff' they have, but realizing what they have is better then drinking or using. The fears one guy had of meeting new people. Fear of another woman of being promoted and fear of failure, another guy talking about how there is nothing going wrong, and that alone brings up fear about why nothing is wrong? Check, check, check, check, and check.
These were in some cases young, pretty damn masculine dudes, a person on the street you would not expect to be talking about "his HP", getting on his knee's, fear, utter gut wrenching wants to have some momentary relief but knowing using would solve nothing.
I just had to get that out. It might help some. I think it helped me realize that some things may never go away, but that while I may not nor may never be 'really happy', I am and can be content.
One guy at the end of his gut wrenching share, just a real dude, struggling to get all this vulnerable and personal stuff out, and doing a great job of it says "A good friend of mine told me one time, to take a minute to look over my should and see how much of the mountain I have climbed, and to stop focusing on high the mountain is and how far the top is, that getting to the top is not a realistic goal." WOW!!!
Closing the meeting, our meeting person simply said "We tend to put higher expectations on ourselves then God has on us" (hmmmm, nuff said, good seed planted), and finished by saying that he came to AA an atheist, and still is, and struggled with the God thing and AA, and said "To those of you who maybe have that same problem, or are beating yourself up like we do, just know that you are here tonight and for the last hour you did not drink or use, and I love you and appreciate you and you did good tonight". It was not mushy, it was real, it was true.
One lady said she felt comforted tonight in the meeting (YES).
Another good line was a guys sponsor told him "Dude, this is not a monk flogging organization, we are here to help each other and look at the good we are doing".
Another great line, a guy moved to Nebraska to make more money in a call center to try and get his finances in order for his family he had ripped apart. He said that for him, making amends was SO important for him. But when in Nebraska, he had no one to make amends to, so that was a problem. And he did not take time to do 12th step work. He then said something that really kind of made sense to me. He said that NOW, he considers volunteering and helping others who he owes no amends to, has done nothing hurtful to, has never met before, he said that doing something for them in a way prevents ONE (1) future amend. He was using spreadsheet accounting analogies. Balancing his book. If he owes an amend to a dead person, he helps a new person he has never met, particularly an alcoholic if possible.
And another guy, about how he wakes up and there is that mental list of things to do, fear of not getting anything done, then his goal becomes to do JUST ONE of those things. Then MAYBE one more. Yep, that is me. I am a lister. Then I overwhelm myself by setting expectations too high, setting myself up for failure and a reason to feel like **** about myself. I consciously try and just do ONE thing. If I do more, big bonus. But this is not every day, it is my bad days when this happens. But those days can come in chunks, so if I can keep doing one thing here, one thing there, when I come out of my fog I am proud of what I have done and have less to do. It is almost a bi-polar thing, or a detaching from myself thing, leaving that hurt and fearing person in bed who needs to heal and taking care of some of his work for him while he does. Maybe hard to get that one for some of you, but it is what it is. I know from the trauma in my childhood that I most likely detached for protection and did a lot of work in my 40's to heal what happened in childhood. So I am very familiar with categorizing, filing, detaching, and bringing out the doer in me who can get **** done while the hurt me is repairing. Anyway, blah blah blah.
Meeting closes, and against all odds some guy sitting near me noticed my college ring and asked if it was that college. FEAR, ANXIETY, OH ****. This is me in public. I sat in the recesses of the room and this **** happens. But I smiled and said yes, and yep, him too, we were 6 years apart, had lived in the same dorm, yep, we had lived on the same floor, the party floor, the floor with the "Keg-er-rator" beer on tap for all of us $0.10 per cup, honor system. Go figure. Of all the days, of all the meetings, and this happens. But I forced myself to be in the moment, to try and be normal, and he asked for my phone number. I don't remember his name, I don't want to. He remembered mine. Actually I told him my last name too. I don't care, in fact, it does not matter to me who knows I am a drunk. I work for myself and my kids are proud of me. Today I am proud of me. And a lot of feeling better today, while still gripped with fear again, is because of that meeting last night, hearing myself in each and every young person who shared. Then being able to come into SR and read, and create a post to write whatever I want. This is where I can be heard, whether it is hearable or not, or makes sense or not. And that has a high value to me. To share with you all is a very special thing, a very necessary thing for me, a very necessary outlet.
Don't drink today. If you feel like drinking, create a post and tell us about it first. There is no limit on the number of times you post. It helps me, and I know it helps others when you do.
I had met with my shrink yesterday, and what came up was just my pure ongoing fear. I fear losing customers, I fear meeting people and being judged, I fear alcohol, and in most cases I can logically think myself down through it. It does not go away though. It hangs. I told my shrink all in all, I am quite happy, but most of the time I am quite blah, but mostly I am not beating myself up constantly and not thinking the world will end.
She says "Can't you just tell yourself that there is nothing to fear?"
WTF???? I am paying this much money to be asked this? This is like all of us being asked by a non alcoholic "Can't you just stop?"
No, I can't 'just stop drinking'. It was a LOT of work to finally get sober, relapse, sober, relapse, sober, 85 days, relapse, 90 day chip, yes, to 2.5 years, relapse, and here I am at 1 year and 3 days. It took more then two months to "JUST STOP", so she really caught me off guard, and I am going to call her on it in two weeks when I go back. I did not realize what a Psych 101 question she asked an alcoholic, and she is an MD Shrink, done it all seen it all. I am sure I am being defensive and she was looking for my thoughts. But still.
So I go to the meeting, it's packed, and the topic is "We always beat ourselves up, meetings seem to always be about what we ARE NOT doing, I have been hearing people talk about this, so tonight I want to focus on what we ARE doing right. We are here tonight, we are doing that right. If you have not used or drank today, you did that right. And he told a great story about his experience, and WOW, each and every share was intense, from the gut, male and females, passionate, personal, all about FEAR, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION vs SADNESS, first hand experiences. I had to email myself during the meeting what I was hearing knowing I would never remember it.
What struck me was that ONCE AGAIN, THAT was the meeting I needed to go to. I needed to hear what I am currently having BIG issues with, which is fear. Waking up fearing I won't get done today what I need to do. Fear that I woke up too late and the clock is ticking. Fear my chickens will die from dehydration even though they have plenty of water. Fear of losing my customers, even though I DON'T LOSE CUSTOMERS, I take care of them, I service them, they depend on me. That was when my shrinkage asked "Why can't you just tell yourself there is nothing to fear?" I said I can do that mental exercise, and not only realize there is nothing to fear, then I go in person to see them, and they are happy as can be to be buying **** from me, at a premium, yet still, that cloud is always there. Not as dark, but its there constantly.
I was those young people last night trying so hard to get past all the 'stuff' they have, but realizing what they have is better then drinking or using. The fears one guy had of meeting new people. Fear of another woman of being promoted and fear of failure, another guy talking about how there is nothing going wrong, and that alone brings up fear about why nothing is wrong? Check, check, check, check, and check.
These were in some cases young, pretty damn masculine dudes, a person on the street you would not expect to be talking about "his HP", getting on his knee's, fear, utter gut wrenching wants to have some momentary relief but knowing using would solve nothing.
I just had to get that out. It might help some. I think it helped me realize that some things may never go away, but that while I may not nor may never be 'really happy', I am and can be content.
One guy at the end of his gut wrenching share, just a real dude, struggling to get all this vulnerable and personal stuff out, and doing a great job of it says "A good friend of mine told me one time, to take a minute to look over my should and see how much of the mountain I have climbed, and to stop focusing on high the mountain is and how far the top is, that getting to the top is not a realistic goal." WOW!!!
Closing the meeting, our meeting person simply said "We tend to put higher expectations on ourselves then God has on us" (hmmmm, nuff said, good seed planted), and finished by saying that he came to AA an atheist, and still is, and struggled with the God thing and AA, and said "To those of you who maybe have that same problem, or are beating yourself up like we do, just know that you are here tonight and for the last hour you did not drink or use, and I love you and appreciate you and you did good tonight". It was not mushy, it was real, it was true.
One lady said she felt comforted tonight in the meeting (YES).
Another good line was a guys sponsor told him "Dude, this is not a monk flogging organization, we are here to help each other and look at the good we are doing".
Another great line, a guy moved to Nebraska to make more money in a call center to try and get his finances in order for his family he had ripped apart. He said that for him, making amends was SO important for him. But when in Nebraska, he had no one to make amends to, so that was a problem. And he did not take time to do 12th step work. He then said something that really kind of made sense to me. He said that NOW, he considers volunteering and helping others who he owes no amends to, has done nothing hurtful to, has never met before, he said that doing something for them in a way prevents ONE (1) future amend. He was using spreadsheet accounting analogies. Balancing his book. If he owes an amend to a dead person, he helps a new person he has never met, particularly an alcoholic if possible.
And another guy, about how he wakes up and there is that mental list of things to do, fear of not getting anything done, then his goal becomes to do JUST ONE of those things. Then MAYBE one more. Yep, that is me. I am a lister. Then I overwhelm myself by setting expectations too high, setting myself up for failure and a reason to feel like **** about myself. I consciously try and just do ONE thing. If I do more, big bonus. But this is not every day, it is my bad days when this happens. But those days can come in chunks, so if I can keep doing one thing here, one thing there, when I come out of my fog I am proud of what I have done and have less to do. It is almost a bi-polar thing, or a detaching from myself thing, leaving that hurt and fearing person in bed who needs to heal and taking care of some of his work for him while he does. Maybe hard to get that one for some of you, but it is what it is. I know from the trauma in my childhood that I most likely detached for protection and did a lot of work in my 40's to heal what happened in childhood. So I am very familiar with categorizing, filing, detaching, and bringing out the doer in me who can get **** done while the hurt me is repairing. Anyway, blah blah blah.
Meeting closes, and against all odds some guy sitting near me noticed my college ring and asked if it was that college. FEAR, ANXIETY, OH ****. This is me in public. I sat in the recesses of the room and this **** happens. But I smiled and said yes, and yep, him too, we were 6 years apart, had lived in the same dorm, yep, we had lived on the same floor, the party floor, the floor with the "Keg-er-rator" beer on tap for all of us $0.10 per cup, honor system. Go figure. Of all the days, of all the meetings, and this happens. But I forced myself to be in the moment, to try and be normal, and he asked for my phone number. I don't remember his name, I don't want to. He remembered mine. Actually I told him my last name too. I don't care, in fact, it does not matter to me who knows I am a drunk. I work for myself and my kids are proud of me. Today I am proud of me. And a lot of feeling better today, while still gripped with fear again, is because of that meeting last night, hearing myself in each and every young person who shared. Then being able to come into SR and read, and create a post to write whatever I want. This is where I can be heard, whether it is hearable or not, or makes sense or not. And that has a high value to me. To share with you all is a very special thing, a very necessary thing for me, a very necessary outlet.
Don't drink today. If you feel like drinking, create a post and tell us about it first. There is no limit on the number of times you post. It helps me, and I know it helps others when you do.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
"against all odds"? Yes, but only if you assume that events which are not causualy related cannot be meaningfully connected. Synchronicity, at least that's my $0.10 worth.
Alot of honesty and wisdom you say. From a lot of young people.
Yours is one of the best post's I've seen here in a long time. Thanks.
Alot of honesty and wisdom you say. From a lot of young people.
Yours is one of the best post's I've seen here in a long time.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
Man...thank you so much for typing all that out. A lot of great stuff in there that I really needed to hear today. It is such a relief sometimes to know that other peoples heads are just as twisted up as mine, lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Austin Texas
Posts: 165
Thanks ZenLifter!!! And I really appreciate you seeing my twisted head in action. My brain can really get in my way. I think it really helps me going to meetings to se that if for nothing else, it seems that all of us have that problem a little. We just are not able to drink away from it, and are left to deal with the wonders that our twisted brains can put into and on us.
I HAVE to do brain dumps. Journaling and messaging online has always helped me tremendously. Just gotta get the garbage out to give me a tad wee bit more room for some peace in my noggin!!!
I HAVE to do brain dumps. Journaling and messaging online has always helped me tremendously. Just gotta get the garbage out to give me a tad wee bit more room for some peace in my noggin!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
Originally Posted by Whodathunk 
Thanks ZenLifter!!! And I really appreciate you seeing my twisted head in action. My brain can really get in my way. I think it really helps me going to meetings to se that if for nothing else, it seems that all of us have that problem a little. We just are not able to drink away from it, and are left to deal with the wonders that our twisted brains can put into and on us.
I HAVE to do brain dumps. Journaling and messaging online has always helped me tremendously. Just gotta get the garbage out to give me a tad wee bit more room for some peace in my noggin!!!
I HAVE to do brain dumps. Journaling and messaging online has always helped me tremendously. Just gotta get the garbage out to give me a tad wee bit more room for some peace in my noggin!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
Whodathunk, i wonder how much you benefitted from just getting focus off self and realization of community, at the meeting.
How many of us find ourselves so hard pressed going it alone, dog eat dog.
There will always be fears and reasonable ones too. I am learning the benefits of pouring them out onto a napkin and inspecting them for sanity and perspective. My last pack sent me quivering with blind courage to do what became clear i had to, and when i got back there was a whew, and a few excess boogeymen i could clear off, about the whole world out to get me.
But most of all i am seeing that i can't think about two things at once, so with a will to relinquish the self obsession, turning my thoughts outward, i see there's a lot of good people and others hurting too and little considerations that go a long way, and my miserable themes don't eat me alive as bad. Just gets old.
Imagine if every baby never tried to walk for fear, and lions refused to hunt, and dogs never dared go sniff booty, and birds never once left nest or got off ground, or a people didn't dare move against tyranny, to improve conditions....though they shook in their very boots for fear of repercussion, or doing the wrong thing...
The fear zone thing makes for an interesting visit, to see how it has been ruling us, but must we shutter the windows and chain the doors? Forever??* In this respect, even the imaginary self-hypnosis 'faith' thing is more fun to play with, however equally irrational. Yes, the oncoming traffic *will* probably stay in their lane...yes, most mere mortals *can* usually drive their vehicles alright...no, the latest $50,000 airbag model is probably not the only one that works...No, not everyone will throw you out of the office, yes, it's possible that girl might like a chance to dance too...and no, we're not 'all that', and yes, foibles and bumps happen alllllll the time, and people argue, and yes, even if you are the lowest heel on the planet, they will still probly let you in a meeting somewheres where ya can find someone to confide in... and yes, we probly could have googled the same book your shrink just read lol! So what! It's only life! Cheers to the living of it, deranged or slightly-less-than!
Figure 'faith' is an adequate fear-be-gone for those of us stumblebums who can't handle our liquor! But common sense will do in a pinch too lol! At least while prudence is just outta reach lol!
Gosh i have wasted so much time in fear. Want perfect security and if not possible then won't even try. Well, not possible! oh. well lemme go back and count my self again...
Nice post - a little uplift - thanks!
How many of us find ourselves so hard pressed going it alone, dog eat dog.
There will always be fears and reasonable ones too. I am learning the benefits of pouring them out onto a napkin and inspecting them for sanity and perspective. My last pack sent me quivering with blind courage to do what became clear i had to, and when i got back there was a whew, and a few excess boogeymen i could clear off, about the whole world out to get me.
But most of all i am seeing that i can't think about two things at once, so with a will to relinquish the self obsession, turning my thoughts outward, i see there's a lot of good people and others hurting too and little considerations that go a long way, and my miserable themes don't eat me alive as bad. Just gets old.
Imagine if every baby never tried to walk for fear, and lions refused to hunt, and dogs never dared go sniff booty, and birds never once left nest or got off ground, or a people didn't dare move against tyranny, to improve conditions....though they shook in their very boots for fear of repercussion, or doing the wrong thing...
The fear zone thing makes for an interesting visit, to see how it has been ruling us, but must we shutter the windows and chain the doors? Forever??* In this respect, even the imaginary self-hypnosis 'faith' thing is more fun to play with, however equally irrational. Yes, the oncoming traffic *will* probably stay in their lane...yes, most mere mortals *can* usually drive their vehicles alright...no, the latest $50,000 airbag model is probably not the only one that works...No, not everyone will throw you out of the office, yes, it's possible that girl might like a chance to dance too...and no, we're not 'all that', and yes, foibles and bumps happen alllllll the time, and people argue, and yes, even if you are the lowest heel on the planet, they will still probly let you in a meeting somewheres where ya can find someone to confide in... and yes, we probly could have googled the same book your shrink just read lol! So what! It's only life! Cheers to the living of it, deranged or slightly-less-than!
Figure 'faith' is an adequate fear-be-gone for those of us stumblebums who can't handle our liquor! But common sense will do in a pinch too lol! At least while prudence is just outta reach lol!
Gosh i have wasted so much time in fear. Want perfect security and if not possible then won't even try. Well, not possible! oh. well lemme go back and count my self again...
Nice post - a little uplift - thanks!
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