Zaec

I hope it's okay to start a thread to document my sobriety daily. I would like to look back at these posts down the line when I crave or feel tempted.

I am on day 13 today. Can't believe I almost made it 2 full weeks. I t helps that I told my husband that I am taking a break from alcohol to lose some weight. He wouldn't think I am an alcoholic so not ready to tell him. I told him I'll have a drink on my birthday and that is next month. Obviously I have no intentions to drink then but it buys me some time.

He was drinking on the weekend and I was so annoyed. He commented "don't worry its almost your birthday". This is when I realised I made a mistake of saying that. I replied "Oh Im feeling so good, I might not even drink then". He loves the sober me. He seems happier and more relaxed and strangely seems inlove again lol. I don't know how to explain it.
My 8 year old son wants to cook some Chicken Curry tonight and I said I'll show him. I have never done anything of the sorts before but they get all my attention now.
I wrote my last exam for this semester yesterday so hopefully I can fill the study time with something else to not get bored.
Husband started travelling again this week but back home today. He will be gone from next week Monday to Thursday again so I need to keep busy then.

I am grateful for this site and I read a ton on here. I have failed at sobriety many a times because I thought I could moderate but I always find myself starting with 1 glass, then 2 then the bottle is out. At the end of my drinking career I would have a 1Litre box of wine every night and some of my husband's whiskey or brandy. I have no idea what kind of mother I must have been to my teeny tiny kiddies.
Well Mom is back and she will make up for those nights when you cried out for me and I was passed out. My 5 year old daughter has become so defensive all the time, because she always had to defend herself against her own mommy. This is so unfair. Uncut finger nails, uncombed hair, no evening baths after my son played sports. I cannot and will not go back to that life.
I will try and write on this daily and when that day comes when I want to have that first drink, hopefully my love for them will be enough to have me say NO!

doggonecarl

Welcome!

zjw

good job on the 13 days!

yeah it is nice when you sober up and can look around and see some of the bad stuff fading away. I did like the fact that i was cleaning up my act here and there when i sobered up.

entropy1964

Hey Zeekie

I have a thread that I post in daily and it helps me. I feel funny about it sometimes but I'm not going to stop (unless told to) because there is something about that daily accountability.

So you drink a liter of wine a night and your husband doesn't think you're alcoholic? Maybe he's in denial? Or your are? Or both. Be careful. Even the most loving partners can really stand in the way of recovery. I would just recommend complete honesty all around. Just a suggestion.

Congrats on 13 days!

Zaec

Thank you for your post. My husband travels a lot for work. I mostly drink when he is away and pretend like it's the first time in the week on days when he is there. He doesn't even notice. Many times on the weekend he is out at a bar so we don't have much time together. I think he is definitely in denial but yeah I do chicken out from telling him that I am an alcoholic. If he bought me vodka I'll just refill the bottle with water. Alcoholics are devious at times and I think I might have fooled him. Honestly I don't know if he suspects anything. When I met him 10 years ago I was doing drugs and I think since I stopped that he stopped noticing my drinking.

zjw

yeah alcoholics are like the opposites of jesus. just watch as i change this wine into water ::snicker:: deviant we can be!

tho after you come clean sometimes you find people are like yeah i kinda wondered. but then other people are amazed. I had some they where shocked and i'm like geeze you saw just how many i could drink and you didnt even suspect it slightly? and they are like nah we just figured you where enjoying yoruself rararara i'm like geeze ::faceapalm::

ScottFromWI

I though the same thing for years. I would cleverly hide my beer in places no one would ever think ( or so I thought ) and secretly dispose of the empties, etc. In the end though my wife and kids knew, our addiction makes us think we are getting away with it but there's no way to hide the baggy eyes, the smell of the alcohol reeking from our pores the next day, our depressed/drunk gestures and behaviors - we simply get used to it and I think our spouses do too. A lot of denial on both ends of the spectrum.

Zaec

it's amazing what society will accept as one just having a good time hey. I mean like someone said, how could me drinking a litre of wine go unnoticed ? even if I tried to hide it. I must have acted very stupid and no one sees. oh well guess in the end I know

Zaec

I am such a genius, I hid my boxes of wine in the spices cupboard. Uhm my husband is always looking for pepper. drunken stupidity I guess. thinking we are way ahead of everyone else but actually the opposite is true

entropy1964

Zeekie its amazing what WE will accept. The only ones we're fooling are ourselves.

Zaec

So so very true!

Cherrybreeze

I agree with this. My BF didn't KNOW how much I was drinking, in fact would joke that I was a lightweight because I'd be drunk after a couple....little did he know how much I would've "pre-gamed" to get that far. Once I told him the truth, a lot of things started making sense to him.

Zaec

I always would drink before going out or sneak more wine when he isn't looking. I can totally relate yoh what you're saying. I am so glad that stress is over

MissNewLife

Congrats on 13 days. Your post is so positive that a little bit rubbed off on me despite my negative situation right now.

I know some people hate when people compare pets to kids, but I have no kids, my pets are my kids. I have two dogs and a kitty cat and every time I go on a bender I forget to feed them, let them outside, be there for them, pay attention to them. So when you talk about uncut nails and dirty hair –it just resonated deeply with how I’m feeling. I know it’s not exactly the same thing but it sounds like you were feeling like a bad mom and I’m feeling like a bad pet mom. They so deserve better. But we are not bad people. Just sick people, trying to get well.

<3

Zaec

Thank you for that msg. I don't think there's much difference in the way we love. Be it kids or pets. They depend on us and we have to be there always available. . Emotionally. We are getting better so we will take care of them better. What pets do you have (type of doggies)? You seem to love them a lot

MissNewLife

I have a chocolate lab/chesapeake cross that I foster from a rescue organization (ugh - when I'm on a bender - he might as well never have been "rescued" - it makes me sick)..... a 4 year old chihuahua and a hairless kitty cat! Yes, they are the loves of my life and completely dependent on me.

Zaec

They sound absolutely cute and squeeze material
You are doing great just by trying to beat this disease. I believe the love you have for them will show. Be kind to yourself.

Soberwolf

Great thread Zaec

Hevyn

Yes, it is a good thread Zaec. Congratulations on your 13 days - be proud.

I also hid my consumption from my family/friends. I always pre-gamed (thought it was such a clever money saver). In the end, I was drinking 'round the clock. As you said, 'I cannot and will not go back to that life'. It was exhausting. No joy or hope. We will do this!

Berrybean

If he wouldn't believe hat you were an alcoholic because you weren't honest with him, perhaps it would be a good idea to get honest now? If not, this whole staying sober thing is likely to cause some rifts. We act strange when we're first getting sober. At least if our partners understand why, then they can be a little supportive and not get suspicious that we have some problem with them or are having affairs or whatnot. It also frees us to get support as and when we need it. It also means we can say things like we want non-drinking birthday treats.

Up to you obviously, but if you want long term sobriety then we do need long term solutions.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.