gonzo51511

Hello.. made an amends with my ex gf few days ago.. i am 10 mo sober. It seemed to go pretty well. I went in with no expectations of getting back together but i guess part of me was hopeful. Nothing about our relationship was dicussed. We talked for over an hour and hugged a couple times. I havent heard from her since. Its been only a couple days and i know how much ive changed must be alot for her to process, but ive seemed to slip into a bit of depression. Not sure why because amends ive made with other people i felt great afterwards but this one still hurts. Maybe the feeling tthat its truly over? Well i will stop rambling.. grateful to be sober though

Bailey3

Hang in their Gonzo. I know how you feel. All you can do is stay sober for yourself.

ScottFromWI

Congrats on 10 months gonzo! Been a long time since you've been around, glad you are doing well. I know you were really dwelling on your relationship with your ex in the past, your depression could definitely be related if you are still holding our expectations for something that is no longer there. Have you ever seen a professional about your depression by chance?

MIRecovery

Your life is in God's hands. You have done the right thing. Outcomes are in His hands not ours. I have done some permanent damage or at least it appears to be permanent but who knows. The best we can do is the best we can do.

It is so gratifying to look in the mirror and be ok with who I see knowing I've done what I can

gonzo51511

For sure mi.. things are looking up.. Im getting to know myself again.. im thriving in my aa community. Take the good days with the bad and it is in hp hands but it sure would be nice to get a sneek peek once in a while

MIRecovery

I have no problem with turning it over to my higher power as long he is doing exactly what I want. It is when he does things in his time and his way that we don't see eye to eye.

I have now been sober long enough to see his outcomes are far better than mine so on a good day I actually put some faith into him and on a bad it is self will run riot

sugarbear1

What's your sponsor say about this?

gonzo51511

He says im doing good work and keeping a good attitude. I am an alcoholic but im human as well. Even though i went into the amends to ckean my side of the street, its only natural to have a little hope at a reconciliation. It did not happen. I have turned my will n life over to my hp but some days its hard to stay plugged in i guess

hellrzr

I was also going to ask about what your sponsor said. Rule of thumb, that I have been told, is that ex girlfriends or boyfriends are generally amends best left to just living a good life. Generally if you want to make that amends to them there are usually alternate reasons why, often because you want to get back with them. Just best to let it be and move on without contact. But like most things, everyone has different circumstances and that's where the guidance of a sponsor comes into play. Best of luck to you moving forward and moving on.

gonzo51511

Yes i agree hellrzr.. thing is she contacted me outta the blue about it. The whole thing was confusing. It was also after like 5 mo of no contact.

ScottFromWI

But you had contacted her several months ago about this and then postponed it. So it wasn't really out of the blue, right? I'd try not to read much into it and view it for what it was, your amends to her.

zjw

Good job on the 10 months I remember you struggling with this breakup . How you feel seems normal to me just try not to sink to low over it think about something your greatful for etc.

gonzo51511

Thats what im doing, but feeling down about it. I was really moving forward and seeing her again kinda ripped it all open again.. its difficult to lose someone because of addiction. Things just seem so short changed like.. with my hp and fellowship of AA i know i will pull thru but just been a down couple days

kittycat3

Hi gonzo, keep talking to your sponsor about your disappointment and how to process it. It is understandable that you feel disappointment but can you pinpoint why? Is it that you did do it expecting to reconcile? Or if not why are you disappointed? Did you learn more about the destruction your addiction caused??
I'm still working steps so not an expert but amends should help you move forward and forgive yourself for the past, and feel relief about doing what you can now in making it right.
I agree that perhaps calling the ex directly wasn't ideal, and now you know that, so focus on working your program and dealing with the aftermath. Hugs, I am sure your efforts took a lot of courage and try to focus on the positives, you are courageous and strong!

gonzo51511

Thank you for your comment.. im not sure whats wrong. The amends really went well. She was receptive and understanding and seemed happy to see how far ive come. And i was honest and told her i understood what i was like . I guess part of me was hopeful to get a call from her after maybe. I understand that we lose things in our addiction, and some things will not return. Just see other people round the tables having their lives and loved ones coming back so quickly and maybe i got a resentment?? Not sure, i am working closely with my sponsor

zjw

sometimes we want things to work out our way we wanna live life on our terms instead of on lifes terms. It can be crap in a situation like yours but sorta have to just roll with it and move forward. She may call again she may not who knows but have to try and not let it ruin your time in between etc..

all easier said then down tho. I'd imagine I'd be having the same thoughts and feelings if I where in your shoes too.

Dave42001

Nice job on 10 months!! I can relate, it's hard.. Try to get out and go help a drunk, chair a meeting.. Some kind of service work!! Hang in there, Gonzo!! Keep up the great work!!

Mountainmanbob

It's pretty common after making amends with some to be a little depressed. I went through that and to be honest still slightly saddened at times. I guess it to be a good thing for if we forget our past we just may repeat it ??

We never know, she still may wish someday to come back into your life. One nice one called me to visit her (much) later. Some will watch us and our sobriety from far away for a long time (is this real) ? Others will run and never look back.

Best to travel the sober road of today and let things be their way.

MB

MB

Centered3

Great job making a difficult amends like that. Amends are the most humble thing we alcoholics can do. I'm not sure if you're a big book guy or not, but it says that we must not lose ourselves in guilt, shame, remorse, and morbid reflection.

I know it's easier said than done, but you'll be spiritually/emotionally healthier if you stay in the present moment and let go of the past.

Let things be.

Forgive yourself.

Get out of your own head and help another.

Continue doing the next right thing as you are doing.

Peace.

Centered3

I had a surprise phone call from an old male friend who I hadn't heard from in years. We'd been friends for almost half our life, up until a few years ago. I figured if he was calling me like that out of the blue, it must mean I'm to make amends.

I made a great amends, even if it was on the spot. I said so much about my role in our friendship and owned up to how I behaved. I thought he'd be proud of me for having self-awareness and growth like I did. If you heard me speaking, you could hear how free, humble, and grateful I sounded because I finally had self-awareness of how my behavior effected others.

I thought he'd want to still be friends and that our friendship would finally be a healthy friendship. Unfortunately, he barely spoke during the phone call and said he still did not want to be friends. (He did, however, sincerely congratulate me on my step work. I was told I didn't have to tell people I was in a 12 step program, but I decided to tell him).

I went to a meeting that night and I was sad and confused as to why he didn't still want to be friends after I owned up to my behavior. I was told to quit playing God, that I was upset that the amends didn't go MY way.

I was also told by my sponsor that "he probably has dirt under his fingers"--meaning, maybe he's not well enough himself to have been able to accept that I wasn't the same sick person I was during our friendship. He wanted me to still be in that role. And that he was not well enough in the least to own up and admit to his part in our friendship and what he owed amends to me for. He did say something "sorry for how I treated you" but I felt like he just said it quickly and he never really owned it. Perhaps saying that made him uncomfortable, and he was afraid at looking within. I don't know and it's not for me to guess. I now don't take it personally but I think I did then. I thought if I owed my behavior, he would own his. But some people just aren't ready to, or can't.

I don't think that applies to your situation, and I hope I haven't confused you, but I thought I'd share it in case it helps others reading this. What my sponsor said made a lot of sense, because healthy people will be happy for us when we become well, but unhealthy people might be selfishly annoyed that we no longer fit into the role they want us to be in. Some people want us to stay in that specific box we were in, so they feel better about themselves. But in your case, maybe your ex girlfriend wants the best for you, but wants to move on. Or maybe she's still processing everything from the amends you made. Maybe she'll call you in the future. Whatever happens, will happen. It's not for us to concern ourselves with. Stay in the present.

You cleaned up your side of the street. You are free. You owned up to your behavior to her so she sees it wasn't personal. She was made to feel comfortable now and given freedom, too.

If we are meant to still have a relationship with the people we make amends to, it will happen and it will happen in God's time.

If you got a resentment, at her, at God, at yourself, etc., please write inventory on it and once you figure out the fear, ask God to help you remove the fear.

Good job, keep going...